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Waning, Ch. 4b (L)


neongrey

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Despite having the same name and same quote, this is entirely new material otherwise. This wholly replaces the prior chapter 4, which was the original Thalan POV, which is going to get moved back until 13 or 14 or so and will, quite obviously, be rather different. This should help have Aserahin and the actual details of Savae's plot be less out of left field when Savae acts on them. 8 will be getting a similar treatment, but I may or may not sub it; it's at least going to follow the same skeleton as the current version.

That said, the conversation in this one meanders some and is due for some shaving, so don't focus on the particulars of that too too much.

Since this does involve business dealings and directly addresses honorifics, please see the e-mail for a link to a reference chart (please note, it has been updated since the most recent send I realized I hadn't rolled in more recent condensations yet). As before, this is straight-up my working copy and not intended for presentation as-is, but is offered for reference in lieu of a final version being available.

Previously: Savae meets with Varael Ashana, who requires that they procure something of symbolic relevance to one Senator Riruna; Varael will use this to call upon shudkathra magic to kill him, so his wife's brother can claim the vacated Senate seat. A girl named Kathalania brings materials required for a commission to Savae, and reveals that they fear they have killed the goddess Alia.

Thanks!

Edited by neongrey
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Overall

The first half dragged for me with the small talk. I became much more engaged when they got to the point, and I enjoyed the end bit with Thalan as well. I don't get a strong feeling for Savae in this chapter, and I think the tension suffers because of that. They come off as somewhat bland here, and that might be because they seem to be somewhat guarded. Maybe a bit more intimacy of thought would help?

 

As I go

better quality and cheaper than buying from an aelin jeweler - I'm missing the dig here. Maybe one more line to help make it clear?

- page three: that 'small talk' goes on for quite a while. It was hard to stay focused, but that may be because any time politics starts happening in narratives my mind wanders

- the conversation with Aserahin moves along at a nice clip. I enjoyed that part

- Am I supposed to know what this 'Sleeper' business is about?

- Did we get an explanation on the Thalan/Kathalania gender fluidness before? I know there was another chapter a while back but I'm trying to remember - is this person physically changing form with gender (taller, different hair, etc), or are we working with straight up gender fluidity? 

- strong end to the chapter

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2 hours ago, kais said:

Overall

The first half dragged for me with the small talk. I became much more engaged when they got to the point, and I enjoyed the end bit with Thalan as well. I don't get a strong feeling for Savae in this chapter, and I think the tension suffers because of that. They come off as somewhat bland here, and that might be because they seem to be somewhat guarded. Maybe a bit more intimacy of thought would help?

Yeah, there's cuts to be made in this dialogue, I'm just waiting to get something back on this. It should tighten a lot of this.

2 hours ago, kais said:

any time politics starts happening in narratives my mind wanders

Though part of it is probably unavoidable. 

2 hours ago, kais said:

- the conversation with Aserahin moves along at a nice clip. I enjoyed that part

- Am I supposed to know what this 'Sleeper' business is about?

I'm going to chalk that up to it having been... oh wow, nearly a year since we addressed this stuff. Yes, Kathalania was, effectively, sent to reform school run by the Sleeping God's church, ran away to Alia's, killed Alia, and was sent to Savae. This is straight text and recent to the position in the story.

2 hours ago, kais said:

- Did we get an explanation on the Thalan/Kathalania gender fluidness before? I know there was another chapter a while back but I'm trying to remember - is this person physically changing form with gender (taller, different hair, etc), or are we working with straight up gender fluidity? 

That is the chapter that this one is replacing. Is there anything in particular indicating to you that his/her form is changing? (if there is, it needs to go)

Thanks!

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33 minutes ago, neongrey said:

Is there anything in particular indicating to you that his/her form is changing?

No, but there wasn't anything that said that the form wasn't changing, either. I think you might need to actually have a line that says something like 'same height, same hair, but the way he carried himself was much more etc etc.' I felt the section lacked description, and I was left to sort of drift on what had happened. In a world of magic and non-humans, anything could be possible, so just a little bit of grounding would help a lot. Especially since Savae makes the comment about a boy being easier with errands or something akin, which made me wonder if appearances had changed enough that Thalan looked significantly more 'male'. 

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General agreement with @kais, as usual. I also thought it was very slow to start. I had the same question on Thalan/Kathalania and whether he/she physically changed (was getting more of an "Orlando" vibe) when Savae talked about him being an errand boy.

Pg 1: there's a whole lot of thinking and expositing on this page, and we don't get to the interaction with Ealis until the end of it. 

Pg 2: "need to why"
missing word.

Pg 3: good workup for Ealis getting into the senate, but I'm missing the motivation. Why does he need the senate seat? Maybe it's a WRS issue, especially since this is out of context.

Pg 4: I like the spider silk writing. This gives a lot of clues to their culture, in a couple paragraphs.

Pg 5: Got sort of lost in the religion discussion before when Kathalania changes to Thalan.

Overall, I like that we're seeing more of Savae, but the chapter doesn't tie in that strongly to the rest of what I've read--that is, I don't feel that I missed much by not having this in there before. Though, if it's actually been a year, I may not be remembering correctly.

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- I like that the question of Kathalana are brought up. It adds tension to the proceedings.

- Very interested by the implications of "Frictions within the organizations".

- The transition to "Thalan" seems a bit awkward, at least at the end of the chapter.

- Overall, I'm curious to see how their senate-luring goes. 

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