TWD - Chapter 07 - kais 04/03/17 4761 words (AB)

[kais]

TWD is dark adult fantasy, and also likely the result of being forced to watch too much Disney recently, thanks to my two year old daughter. This is draft zero. I’m sorry for that. Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. This is also my first experiment with first person, so be warned there. Also be warned that I am delving much deeper into #ownvoices land with the protag than I usually do. 

 

AB = awkward boobage

[rdpulfer]

- I like the phase "well-earned body heat". The description really works in the opening.

- I also like the familiarity between Sorin and Magda. how they react to one another, etc.

- Yep, there's the awkward boobage. "Breasts make you uncomfortable" seems a bit awkward though, given the intimacy of the situation. 

- Ooooh, I really like the ominous ending. This story is really starting to work for me now, with the character interaction firing on all cylinders. I can't wait to read more. 

[Mandamon]

Looks similar to the previous version, so not too much to add. I do like M's development here, and if anything I want more. Since this is more of a "sequel" chapter than a "scene" chapter, there's a good chance to really delve into character here, explore M's past, and make a stronger connection with S being both uncomfortable and drawn to an old friend.

[neongrey]

P.1

'Morphed' feels like an odd word out here; as a verb outside of cinematography it's really only come into usage since the late 1980s or so (and around the 50s for the other); which is not to say it can't be used but it feels a little modern in a way that the rest of the story doesn't. Otherwise, this page just feels a little wordy overall; I feel like you could probably get the same job done more effectively in two-thirds of the space. This is feeling really too explanatory, and not really in a particularly helpful way.

P.2

Yeah, I'm really feeling like this is taking a bit too long to go anywhere.

P.3

Yeah, you're picking up here, but the 'You're still bleeding' paragraph is a bit muddily-phrased; it's not 100% obvious who's speaking from how you're bouncing around the subjects of sentences. There's a logical answer but it's interrupting the flow to need to put that together.

P.4

This again feels a little bit wordy, but not exceptionally so; nothing iteration won't address, I don't think.

P.5

Phrasing feels a little bit more awkward around here; I'm not a big fan of noting what's normal. Better to note what's unusual, I think.

P.6

The conversation here is, I think, a bit too explanatory. Feels a bit off. I get there's reasons to be talking about other things than the matter at hand, but, ehhh.

P.7

It's a bit cleaner here as we get some back-and-forth, but this definitely has a bit too much the feel of this-is-information-being-conveyed, I think.

P.8

If corseting is the norm, and riding is a generally done thing, there's probably riding corsets-- probably corded rather than boned for riding, though since you're erring earlier than Victorian and are going for at least some measure of rigor, you're probably looking a bit more at stays or possibly just stiffened bodices if you want to go really early. Either way, there's deffo gonna be some sort of support garment for use when riding even if a full Victorian corset is in play.

P.9

The top paragraph is way too distant even for someone forcing themselves into distance. 'had just started to form', I think, is just not a great phrase.

And the bottom paragraph, yeah, this is just not working for me here.

P.10

one s in pus, and two esses but one y in the other, depending on what you mean by that 

Otherwise, smoother here.

P.11

Again, a bit clunky, but nothing worth uniquely commenting on here.

P.12

Pinkie, again, feels a little bit out of tone. Not a period thing, it just feels a little bit out to me. Otherwise-- I dunno, I don't have any specific problems, but it feels off somehow. I think this bit might just be a little wordy too, is all.

P.13

I haven't been keeping up with commentary very much so I don't know if this is a dead topic or not, but this is definitely erring younger on Sorin than the early stated age was. Even given lack of experience, this feels young.

P.14

This bit is nice, though.

P.15

Some of this dialogue feels a bit out, tonally speaking. Magda's bouncing registers a lot early on-- it works better when she eases towards casuality toward the end of the page/paragraph, rather than whatever this is going on at the beginning of it.

P.16

Wordy at the start, I think but otherwise fine.

Overall, you know, I mostly think this needs a good going at with an axe; once everything gets shaved down, I think this'll be really nice.

[Robinski]

Glad to be reading another chapter and keen to see what happens now.

• “as we entered passed through the city wall of M”

• Mag and me

• “steep clay roofs” – Meh, what do you mean by that? If they can make bricks, presumably they can make or ‘mine’ tiles of clay or slate. The phrasing here suggests some kind of wattle-and-daub or goodness knows what.

• “import the professional fiddle players” – This subject interests me greatly as a guitarist (strictly amateur). Does this mean that recreational musicianship is controlled? Music is pretty much as old as man (ish), and it is the most natural thing in the world for someone to tap out a rhythm or hum or sing. Many have a natural aptitude for music and small communities all over the world make their own music and often their own instruments, almost regardless of technologic level. There are some truly amazing vids on U-Tub of folks who have made guitars out of an old cooking oil can and a broom stick, or some such. My point is, I find it very unlikely that any festival would go completely without any kind of music, even if only singing, and regardless of risk of enforcement by the musicians’ guild.

• Remembering my comment about the troops reclaiming the bodies of their comrades, which I hope they did (will), I would wonder if this didn’t attract some reaction of the townspeople, or at least the grooms, if the crowd is otherwise distracted. I appreciate that you might not pick that up in this version, however.

• “No doctor will attend someone during ti” – What!? So, for a whole week? Someone falls off a roof and is left to die because it’s the festival?! I guess they don’t have the Hippocratic oath around here.

• “It’s the intangible part that goads you” – I like this exchange, enjoying the scene.

• “I muttered as I knelt and removed her boots” – continuity; one boot at least is off already.

Good, strong chapter, heavily character-based, which I love, and yet with good elements of world-building. No discernible plot, but that’s fine for me – feels entirely like a sequel to the scene before (the fight in the forest, of course). Not heavy on the description, but I can picture small mountain town/village easily enough with what you’ve given me. I welcomed the flat-out (pun intended!) quandary that you presented to Sor in terms of which room she chose to sleep in. It gave me some clues to her physiology, but I'm still not exactly sure what to picture in certain areas above the waist.

Nice work again. Still totally on board. Looking forward to next week.

<R>

[kais]

On 4/4/2017 at 4:30 PM, rdpulfer said:

This story is really starting to work for me now, with the character interaction firing on all cylinders. I can't wait to read more.

Thank you for the comments! I'm glad the story is catching well!

On 4/5/2017 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

explore M's past, and make a stronger connection with S being both uncomfortable and drawn to an old friend.

I love this idea. Editing in now!

20 hours ago, neongrey said:

feels like an odd word out here

Fair enough. It's an easy change.

20 hours ago, neongrey said:

this page just feels a little wordy overall;

For sure. I tend to overwrite first drafts and then cut them down significantly in read throughs. I'll mark this up for the axe.

20 hours ago, neongrey said:

interrupting the flow to need to put that together.

Gotcha. Will edit.

20 hours ago, neongrey said:

The conversation here is, I think, a bit too explanatory.

I'm sort of boxed in here. I need to lay out the differences between magic and alchemy, and do is succinctly. I can do it through S's thoughts and experiences to a point, but several conversations are needed. Exposit now or exposit later, at some point it has to happen.  I can't find a way around it.

21 hours ago, neongrey said:

he top paragraph is way too distant even for someone forcing themselves into distance

Fair. I'll try to reword.

21 hours ago, neongrey said:

is definitely erring younger

I moved S's age to twenty. Does it work for that age?

21 hours ago, neongrey said:

This bit is nice, though.

I don't believe I've ever had a whole page approval from you. Score!

21 hours ago, neongrey said:

this needs a good going at with an axe

I think this could be said of everything I write. Heh. Thank you for the feedback!

[kais]

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

Meh, what do you mean by that?

I have elaborated.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

This subject interests me greatly

Good! The guilds and how they are bonded is really important world building, and its important I get it in without info dumping horribly. I think the thing to remember here is that we are in first person, and S is a pretty unreliable narrator. Very narrow worldview, and very guild-centric. S will view the world in terms of guilded and non-guilded almost as 'right' and 'wrong'. Hopefully the reader is starting to get some sense of that now, and throughout the next few chapters.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

I would wonder if this didn’t attract some reaction of the townspeople,

Argh, yes. Good point. I need to figure out what to do with the bodies. 

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

Someone falls off a roof and is left to die because it’s the festival?!

Or does M just not want to see a doctor?

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

continuity; one boot at least is off already.

Check. Boot editing.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

It gave me some clues to her physiology, but I'm still not exactly sure what to picture in certain areas above the waist.

*cough* Pronouns *cough* While its not particularly relevant for character buy-in, anatomy is discussed in several more chapters. We're about 1/3 of the way through the book, so I think things are tracking okay. Well, at least I hope they are. As long as I am keeping RE people engaged, I think I'm able to swing the white male reader at least somewhat. 

Thank you for the comments! Now I have to go figure out this dead knight issue.

[neongrey]

22 minutes ago, kais said:

I moved S's age to twenty. Does it work for that age?

Oh, yeah, twenty should be fine.

[kais]

1 minute ago, neongrey said:

Oh, yeah, twenty should be fine.

Whew. I figured, contextually, it's plenty old for the early to mid 1700s to be an adult and have it be embarrassing to not have a 'life', but young enough to be still kind of unsure about things. Hopefully, anyway. 

[Robinski]

51 minutes ago, kais said:

*cough* Pronouns *cough*

Oh, man, I searched for those ********, I must have added that afterwards!! 

Sorry.