Jump to content

The Necro Bug rdpulfer 3/12/17


rdpulfer

Recommended Posts

I'll agree with @Ernei that I'm not really drawn in by Chuck. He's very dumb, not that there aren't people like this, but it's hard for them to hold a narrative. I would have liked to see more about Francine and Barb, or have one of them as the main character rather than Chuck. We don't really learn anything by being in his head except that he's an awful person. The idea here is good, but putting some character growth moments in might help. 

I was confused by the "patient zero" tag when Francine is not the first person to turn into a zombie. You could clarify by saying she's the first in the US, but still, she was bitten by the guy who came back from Africa, so wouldn't he be patient zero?

The ending was...alright, but not too surprising. You could punch it up some more.

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "He would do what needed to be done."
--You've said this in the previous line. I think you can delete this and it will be stronger.

pg 2: "holster of her gun clashed"
--don't think "clashed" is the right word.

pg 5: "Rhodes Bentley" sounds like a type of car to me...

pg 5: "His buddy’s woman"
--vague as to who this is referring to

pg 7: "Rhodes had a daughter named Claire"
--figured that out from the previous line. You could probably say something like "his daughter was a freshman..."

pg 7: "every pigment "
--color? Pigment doesn't sound right.

pg 8: "Barb was forced to notice"
--passive, and sounds awkward.

pg 9: "Because she was bitten by a zombie."
--wait...so how is she patient zero if she was bitten by an already existing zombie?

pg 9: "This is only the first person bit by a zombie "
--I think I'm missing something. Are zombies a different problem than patient zero?

pg 10: "run into the back of him"
--passive

pg 11: "like he was on fire. Perhaps he was."
--uh...no, he's not.

pg 12: "and Chuck almost pissed himself"
--this doesn't seem that believable.

pg 12: "whole body crackled with energy"
--sounds like she's about to cast a spell.

pg 14-15: a bit of maid and butler, in the conversation between Francine and Barb.

pg 15: Ok, so I gather Francine is patient zero for the US, but not for the world?

pg 15: "started talking him"
--talking to him

pg 17: "one more casualty in tangled shoe laces of loose ends."
--This doesn't quite work for me.

pg 17: "Thin locks of dark hair fell upon a white-colored gown"
--this sounds like her hair is falling off.

pg 24: "a few months ago"
--minutes?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have a whole lot of specific things to say, just generalities.

 
I found the beginning very difficult to get into. about 4 pages in and I started to get more invested and once I figured out what was going on, it carried me to the end, but it was a rough start. 
 
C & R's sections I found to be confusing just as a baseline.  Something I can't quite point to and say "this is what is difficult," just more of a generalized "Huh?" when reading their bits. The police and the girl both were fine.  I like the police officer!
 
I also feel like this could maybe use a bit of tightening up or evening out? There were places where everything snapped and was really rolling along, and then there were parts where the characters or narration got a bit too rambly.

overall though, I enjoyed it!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hooray! I'm happy to read another story from you!

Overall

I enjoyed the story overall. It was an easy read. There were typos and some tightening is needed, but I think it's pretty solid. I'm not sold on the ending (I thought it felt flat, and was hoping someone would turn into a zombie, honestly), and was waiting for a stronger twist. I also didn't care at all for the character of Chuck, but thought Barb was very well done.

Thanks for a fun read!

As I go

- pretty engaging first page for sure

- page seven: I have to say that I'm not super enthused by the main protag. The police officer had a lot more depth to her character, even with fewer pages

- page ten: you have a lot of redundancy on 'fire alarm' on page ten

- page 13: So I've suspended my concern about Francine, hoping you would only edge the tropes and maybe not topple into them, but the blue eyes thing on a black person I have seen slammed again and again by the PoC community. Just a heads up there. I know that yes, it does happen IRL, but from what I understand it is also a problematic trope in the 'making black people more white-like to make them more palatable/beautiful'

- page 17: I really don't care for Chuck at this point, and find it very hard to empathize with him. His persistence with 'woman cop' really just makes me want to punch more than read his story. It's completely in-character for him for sure, I just can't connect with him. Although the lesbian quip on page nineteen is more deft, and I think shows a side I can at least understand.

- Yeah, I much prefer Barb. Solid character there

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nice to read a short (I presume!), we don’t get that many these days.

  • kick-starting dead skin tissue” – kicking-starting it into what?

  • an overwriting survival instinct” – did you mean overriding?

  • loved ones’ doesn’t fit with ‘her’ lawyer.

  • Some good strong lines in the first section. I like the kind of patchwork approach with these small snapshots.

  • I enjoyed the introduction of Barb. I get some character from these simple actions and statements, and I did not feel I was getting dumped on.

  • There were two kinds of career paths which always made for long hours” – I enjoyed Indy’s [some] survey last week, and now my Dissembler Detector is rebooted.

  • Barb outstretched both hands” – this was weird for me. In my mind, it’s an adjective, not a verb.

  • The outbreaks all happen in places where burial customs leave corpses susceptible to the infection,” For said.” – For me, this be crossed the line into info-dump. I feel his language is to formulaic, and that it would better broken into more colloquial language.

  • After Barb, being back in Kirk’s pov was jarring. This is a short, right? I’d be perfectly happy to be in Barb’s pov the whole time. Also, “guberment” – I don’t get. As in ‘gooberment’? At least ‘gubberment’ sounds like the source word. Main problem though for me is that I don’t know if he’s backward or trying to be funny.

  • Yeah, Kirk and Rhod’s section is slow and spends a certain amount of time drawing obvious conclusions from pretty bland statement, imo. I think this content could be covered in about half a page. True or not, I feel like I'm being reminded of stuff that happened a few pages ago. Kirk divorced,

  • it’s impossible to overreact to a zombie apocalypse” – ROFL.

  • Chuck turned to see a security guard striding towards Rhodes. He’d been spotted.” This is SOOO obvious, stating it feels like a slap in the face for the reader.

  • He’d drawn a gun in a hospital. They weren’t going to take that lightly.” – Here’s a similar line. I think if these obvious statements are going to remain, they need to be either funny or insightful, i.e. entertaining or thought-provoking / informative.

  • other doomsday-related prepping items have also increased dramatically” – I feel like there’s a laugh to be had there.

  • Barb didn’t know what to expect, at once transfixed by the color of Francine’s eyes” – I'm sure this construction is intended to splice two things together, there are two things going on ‘at once’. So like ‘at once transfixed by Francie’s eyes and her appetite’ or something like that.

  • with only crimson pigments only from eyes bloodshot with from stress and lack of sleep” – Sorry I keep doing that, but I’ve always liked your turn of phrase, which drives to offer lbls when is see grammar and repeated words.

  • Barb and Brad close together is awkward. I'm hoping Hopper doesn’t appear too much.

  • Francine gave a barely noticeable shrug, barely noticeable even within the hospital bed” – I’ll stop; that’s the next stage, right?

  • I think you need to work that rap quite a bit harder. It scan’s like a sack of potatoes. I worry for Mana’s career.

  • Why is there only one cop on duty? I don’t think that’s credible.

  • Patient Zero’s hospital room light was on” – how did he find out the room number?

  • I’m having hard blocking issues as Kirk approaches the room. It’s like he’s down the corridor, but he can see Francie, but you don’t describe her coming out of the room. Viewpoint feels messy around here.

  • He was walking against the surge of people.” – Nope, this comes from nowhere. How can he see Francie in a chair if the corridor’s full of people, or even see ‘the cop’? I don’t buy it.

  • I’m calling the one cop thing again as well. This is the kind of stuff that happens on bad TV shows. There is a (inter)nationally reported incident and very publicly known patient in a hospital and there’s only one cop on her room, or in the buildilng? And that cop has just walked away when the shooting starts? I can’t get past this. If I was reading this in a collection or online daily fiction, I would be turning to something else at this point.

  •  “Chuck removed the Glock from its holster” – Where are all those crowds? I don’t know if they’re coming or going.

  • He burst into Patient Zero’s room” – Nope; there’s more than one cop behind him and he didn’t put her (them) down. Unless he’s about to get shot in the back, I don’t buy this at all.

  • I’m going to save the world, but to do that, I have to put you down” – Oh god no, not another villain expositioning instead of just pulling the trigger.

  • Surprisingly, the bleeding-heart woman cop didn’t stand down. They always did in the movies.” “Maybe she was a…”– I guess you’re trying to show that Kirk has all the wrong gender politics. I was unhappy about all his protesting before that the cop was a woman. Honestly, I think that’s just getting in the way of your story. I don’t think that’s what the story’s about and you’re in danger of derailing it by trying to tackle a much bigger issue in an off-hand way.

  • or will all with the cops down at the end of the hall” – Nope, why on earth would they still be at the end of the hall – and all in the one place? Plausibility gap again.

  • He was impressed Rhodes hadn’t shot him, but then again, since his friend was never that great of shot” – This is the wrong sense, these phrases are not opposites.

  • The random blocking is hurting my head. “Two more deputies rounded the other corner” – Chuck’s in the room, isn’t he? He can’t see down two corridors at once.

  • squawking radio chatter from her shoulder every five minutes” – Too long.

  • Francine looked at Barb fearfully with a certain amount of fear” – Call-back to the imprecise language point.

  • The death toll for necrorescuitation stands at one hundred and thirty-two” – (1) necro… is a really awkward word to decode/read; (2) compound numbers should be hyphenated; (3) the body count does not seem high enough, I don’t see that it would take long to contain at that scale.

  • either side of the bus” – ambulance, surely?

  • The language in the penultimate paragraph is messy.

I enjoyed the story. I liked the ending, which was somewhat unexpected until the last couple of pages. There are some good lines and a good tone throughout, which I expect from you, but I'm glad it’s still there!

Problems for me. (1) The police procedures are laughable; I think you need to rework that, because I did not think their deployment is credible; (2) the blocking around Chuck engaging with PZ in the corridor, in the room and what he can see from the room, I think, is all over the place; (3) I didn’t like how the gender politics was dealt with. I think it’s cursory and that you don’t have space in a short to deal with it properly. It’s a cheap way to make Chuck more evil. I think it needs a rethink.

There’s a good story in here, I hope you keep working it, I want to read it again a couple of edits or more down the line.

Glad to have you back RD! :D

<R>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 14/03/2017 at 3:31 PM, Mandamon said:

not that there aren't people like this, but it's hard for them to hold a narrative

I agree with Mandamon (hurray!) - I think you can cut down quite hard on Chuck and Larry's stuff.

On 14/03/2017 at 3:31 PM, Mandamon said:

she was bitten by the guy who came back from Africa, so wouldn't he be patient zero?

Yeah, totally.

On 15/03/2017 at 1:12 AM, kaisa said:

not super enthused by the main protag. The police officer had a lot more depth to her ch

I agree with Kaisa (hurrah!) - I never considered Chuck as the m/c - always Barb. Chuck's a cut-out, I think.

On 15/03/2017 at 1:12 AM, kaisa said:

His persistence with 'woman cop' really just makes me want to punch more than read his story

I think that was the point - but I found it heavy-handed.

On 15/03/2017 at 1:12 AM, kaisa said:

Although the lesbian quip on page nineteen is more deft,

Really?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/18/2017 at 4:41 AM, Robinski said:

Really?

Yes, because it felt more natural for the character. The woman cop stuff hit so hard it felt contrived. It stood out too much, and was narrative-jarring. The lesbian quip felt less forced.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...