Robinski Posted March 2, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) 2 hours ago, kaisa said: Right now Quirk carries himself pretty strongly, so to so suddenly have us blasted with self-doubt reads funny. Yes, his queerness could be his sore spot, but somehow I can't see him being so open, even with himself, about that sore spot. Great stuff - thanks Kaisa. I need to ponder this. I'm glad that Quirk comes over this way to you, as that is what I was going for. You make an excellent point about introducing doubt now. I will rethink. p.s. I do like your version Edited March 2, 2017 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbit Posted March 6, 2017 Report Share Posted March 6, 2017 On February 28, 2017 at 4:42 PM, Robinski said: I've actually recorded 4 previous instances in my glossary of Q's smiles. I remembered three, and it's working for me! This chapter was very good! A few sentence fragments that threw me off, but not long enough for me to tag them. I think Quirk’s reaction is pretty believable, as is Moth’s. I enjoyed the chapter, and I’m curious what will happen going forward. I’m a little concerned, in my reader brain, that all the other settings and characters we’ve gotten to know (the other nuns, the mysterious attractive lady, the cop) won’t have much of a role from here on out, if they just leave world. So I hope they have to stick around for some reason. I just don’t feel ready to leave. But maybe that’s part of the point. I do have trouble believing that Moth had magic saliva proteins inserted into her DNA when she was a zygote, but hey, maybe it’s standard in mob families. Oh, wait, we have CRISPR and can modify anyone's genes whenever we want now... But it still seems convenient for her to have this set up before Toni's demise begins. I also think Quirk would need to absorb more of the antidote than could be absorbed through he back of one’s hand from one wet finger’s worth of spit. Maybe if she spit on his hand and he smeared the spit behind his bottom lip or something. Which I realize would be super weird, so maybe that’s why you didn’t go that route… There are actually a lot of very weird places you could go with this. Ahhh... ahem. Moving right along. @aeromancer mentioned trying a virus, but viruses mutate SO easily that I'd be pretty worried about that route. Seven years is plenty of time for that virus to skirt around antibodies (which would be too big to be absorbed through the skin anyway) or any other control, really. Did you say this was a one-time thing? As in, Quirk isn't in danger any more after this chapter? I actually was so engrossed that I didn't take the time to write any specific comments. So nice job! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2017 19 hours ago, Hobbit said: I enjoyed the chapter, and I’m curious what will happen going forward. <does very quiet, very small, victory dance> 19 hours ago, Hobbit said: I just don’t feel ready to leave. But maybe that’s part of the point. Wowser. I won't say anything because <spoilers>, but you touched (indirectly) on something here that I've overlooked; a dimension for at least one of the characters that I should have picked up on. Thank you so much; I'm going to pop back to my current edit and <more spoilers> Man, I love this forum Actually, lol, when I went to the end of the story to insert a line, I found I had picked it up after all. I think I just discovered QWS - Quarterly Writer Syndrome. 19 hours ago, Hobbit said: inserted into her DNA when she was a zygote Ha-ha, no it was supposed to be reverse engineered for this situation, but you've quite rightly called me out on this. I'll need to flag it better that it was something done recently. 19 hours ago, Hobbit said: Maybe if she spit on his hand and he smeared the spit behind his bottom lip or something. Which I realize would be super weird, so maybe that’s why you didn’t go that route… There are actually a lot of very weird places you could go with this. Ahhh... ahem. Moving right along. Good point. Maybe I'm leaning on writers' license too hard, but that's what critiquing is for, thanks! Yes, weird places, isn't it wonderful Somehow, the promise (threat?) of weird is more powerful (entertaining?) than going there. 20 hours ago, Hobbit said: but viruses mutate SO easily that I'd be pretty worried about that route. Seven years is plenty of time for that virus to skirt around antibodies (which would be too big to be absorbed through the skin anyway) or any other control, really. Did you say this was a one-time thing? As in, Quirk isn't in danger any more after this chapter? Aw brilliant!! I feel like I found ten bucks in street, I was ready to roll my sleeves up to do heavy research for Edit #2, but you've reassured me that a toxin can work. However... there is the intention of ongoing danger, so maybe it is an issue. I'm still going to flag the mod to Moth. 22 hours ago, Hobbit said: I actually was so engrossed that I didn't take the time to write any specific comments. The corollary of which seems to be if you can capture the reader's attention you can get away with tons of stuff! I'm so heartened by your comments. Thank you so much for reading. Not that I was disheartened, but I think I had lost the place a little bit with work and stuff, so thank you for helping get me back on track 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbit Posted March 7, 2017 Report Share Posted March 7, 2017 17 minutes ago, Robinski said: I think I just discovered QWS - Quarterly Writer Syndrome. Haha don't you love it when you look back and realize you were brilliant? 17 minutes ago, Robinski said: The corollary of which seems to be if you can capture the reader's attention you can get away with tons of stuff! Very true, haha. And you're very welcome. Glad I could help! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king007 Posted April 6, 2017 Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 Hiya! I've decided to keep reading till reaching your last chapter before giving critiques, as I'm seeing that the rest of the members have already covered all that's on my mind. I just wanna say that you should definitely include this chapter earlier. You can say it hooked me way better than the past chapters. I'm now more invested in the story. Must keep on reading! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 37 minutes ago, king007 said: Must keep on reading! Awesome!! Thanks, King - really appreciate you doing the hard yards to catch up, and thanks for your thoughts on this chapter; so glad it worked for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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