Love in the Time of Headlessness and Also Sudden Death

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Spoiler

So, for those of you unfamiliar with the Dullahan, it's a personification of Death from Celtic folklore, and Great Noodly One, is it over-the-top. When I first heard about it, one of my first thoughts was, "What if paranormal romance authors decide to clean him up and turn him into a romantic hero, like they did with vampires?" 

This is my attempt to answer that question. So strap in, folks, because things are going to get ridiculous.

I met Dooley in the spring of my senior year. I remember the day distinctly. I had set my alarm for 6:15, but after hitting the snooze fourteen times (I’d been having a good dream, but can’t tell you what it was, because I’m not the sort of girl who’ll tell a stranger all about her most secret dreams) I’d barely had time to leap out of bed, yank on a pair of Levi’s 515s and a dark green T-shirt before grabbing the whole box of Lucky Charms on my way out the door. I didn’t even have time to brush my hair, which I didn’t realize until I got to school, still shoving handfuls of marshmallow cereal into my maw. I could think of nothing else until he walked in, and then I could think of nothing at all.

He walked down the hallway, clad in black from head to toe. Well, neck to toe. His head wasn’t covered in anything but a thatch of blond hair, which was gripped in the long, slender fingers of his left hand. His head, which swung freely with his lean yet muscular arms, sported a wide, ear-to-ear grin. Literally ear-to-ear; I didn’t even know mouths could smile that wide. I wondered what it would be like, to be that happy, instead of weighed down with the weight of homework and lousy wifi.

“Hey, Jordan!” The oddness of a head speaking from near somebody’s kneecaps vanished the second his cheerful voice washed over me. “Sam, Lori, Mister Andrews. What’s kicking? Aside from you….kicking the bucket!”

His laughter rang through the hall as three students and a teacher fell to the floor in a dead faint. There were gasps and screams, but I barely heard them. Barely saw all the students pull out their cell phones and dial 911. Or maybe their parents. I wasn’t paying attention. The box of Lucky Charms had slipped from my hand and fallen to the floor.

I don’t know what it was that drew me in, when so many of my classmates seemed repulsed by his very presence. Perhaps it was his laugh, so loud and full of mirth. Perhaps it was his roguish good looks, accentuated by his strange choice of where to keep his head. But I think it was his confidence. So many boys my age stuttered and stammered when they tried to ask me out, but Dooley marched through the school like he was some ancient spirit with command over every soul within it.

I grew short of breath as he approached, striding up to me without a care in the world. He was coming, and he was going to talk to me. I became ever more aware of my long, mousy brown hair, standing up in giant poofs like I was a member of an 80s hair metal band, my fashionable yet rumpled jeans, my T-shirt that I only then realized I’d put on inside out. I wanted to straighten my hair, to make myself look more presentable, but it was too late, he was almost there, almost to my side….

At the last second, his eyes widened, as though he’d accidentally slammed his nose into his knees. He stumbled back, swearing viley, before hurrying off down the hall.

“God, I hate your necklace! Wear something else next time!”

Stricken, my hand flew to the gold-plated locket at my neck. I didn’t remember putting it on.

 -----------------------

My friends were unusually quiet that day at lunch. Usually they were talking about the latest pop culture sensation, and I’d listen just to be polite. I really prefer entertainment made at least forty years before I was born. Not Elvis or the Beatles, though. They’re too mainstream. I prefer the Archies.

“Did you see him? Brianna said in a hushed tone that I wouldn’t have heard, if the rest of the cafeteria hadn’t been so quiet. “Carrying his head….”

“Mmm,” I said dreamily. “He was really slaying, wasn’t he?” Sometimes I like to use modern slang.

“Uh, yeah,” said Nathan, fixing me with a stare. “Literally slaying.”

“I heard they’re dead,” Sofia whispered.

“So am I,” I said, chin propped on my elbow.

“No, Cora, dead dead. As in, are-you-going-to-the-funeral dead.”

“What are you saying?” I asked. “Are you saying Dooley would kill someone?”

“No,” Brianna said, “I’m saying he already did.”

“How’d you know his name, anyway?” Sofia said, but I was already gathering my healthy salad with tofu and butter, because I’m half-vegan on my mother’s side. I wouldn’t stand for this blatant slander any longer.

“Dooley is sexy,” I told them, “and I will not have you besmirch his good name in my presence.”

The last thing I heard as I walked away was Nathan’s voice: “When’d she learn a word like besmirch?”

 ------------------------

Weeks passed with no sign of Dooley. The days blended together, a dull conglomeration of hours and people and meaningless events with colors melding into grey. The world felt so lifeless without Dooley in it. Sure, I’d only seen him once, but that one time was all I needed.

Then, just before Prom, I got a card in the mail. The front was a picture of the strangest car I’d ever seen, a black convertible with a ragtop made from pieces of….animal hide? Maybe? The wheels had spokes that were strangely white, like bleached bones. They were shaped like bones, too. The headlights were set on top of the hood, and seemed to be made from human skulls. It was kind of hard to tell through all the silver glitter.

Inside, the message was penned in dark red ink that smelled kind of strange. Like...I don’t know. My dad’s eyes went wide and he asked if that was blood, but I figured it was just one of those scented markers.

Hey, baby, the message read. Put on that white dress I like and meet me in the ballroom. Leave that awful necklace at home. I’d rather kiss your neck when it’s bare.

I didn’t know what white dress he was talking about. All I’d ever bought was jeans and T-shirts, because I’m not like those stupid giggly girls who go all gaga over a boy they just met. I went to my closet anyway, and there it was: a flowing gown of white silk that left much of my back and both shoulders bare. I tried it on and it fit perfectly.

“You are not going to that dance, Cora,” Dad said. He was standing in my doorway, shaking like a leaf.

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Actually, I am.”

“Well, I’m going.”

 -------------------

I still don’t know how I slipped out the window without tripping the alarm he’d set just for me, but I was there in the hotel ballroom the school had rented for the big dance. And so was Dooley.

He had his head tucked under one arm as he danced to “Whip It” playing over the speakers. His other arm swung the strangest whip I’ve ever seen--white and bendy, looking identical to pictures I’ve seen of human spines--to the beat of the music. People screamed when it touched them, falling to the floor and clutching their faces as six teachers and countless students dialed 911. I too was enraptured by his dance moves. How he did them in a tux was beyond me, but he always was magical.

When he saw me, his face split into that massive grin, made all the more charming by the way it came from beside his chest. He strode over and, taking his head by the hair, he used his free hand to spin me around the ballroom.

“You’re an amazing dancer,” I breathed.

“Tell me more,” he said, his head rolling from hand to neck to shoulder and back again.

“People fall to their deaths when you say their names.”

“Keep it coming, babe.”

“Your whip...it...it looks like bones.”

“Mmm…”

“I know what you are.”

“Say it.”

He was holding his head right up next to mine now, and I could smell the overpowering scent of moldy cheese.

“My boyfriend.”

His grin fell. I had a split second to wonder what I’d done wrong before he spoke. “Yeah, I just don’t think this is going to work out, Cora.”

I wasn’t aware of the gasps, the screams. I didn’t see the paramedics rushing in a moment too late. I wasn’t even certain I was dead--I’m still not certain now. All I know is my last thought before I crumpled to the floor:

I can’t believe you’re dumping me!

[soyperson]

OK, I will admit: I clicked on this topic because a. Twi wrote it and b. the name. 

But it's really really excellent and everyone should read it.

[Jedal]

1 hour ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I still don’t know how I slipped out the window without tripping the alarm he’d set just for me,

My only issue. Pretty good otherwise.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

4 minutes ago, Jedal said:

My only issue. Pretty good otherwise.

That was actually intended as part of the humor. The YA paranormal romance genre is rather notorious for skimping on the most important details (how Dull Protagonist gets out of a tight scrape, how Monster Boyfriend gets around the police) and focusing instead on the overblown romance. 

[The Honor Spren]

This was hilarious.  

[StrikerEZ]

Why was this so funny? 

[Darkness Ascendant]

That was a pleasantly amusing.

[Quiver]

I'm kind of disappointed. 

You got all the Paranormal romance references in there, and not one 50 Shades joke? I mean, that started as Paranormal Romance fan fiction, and Dullahan has a whip. The opportunity is right there!

Other than that, I liked. I think that should be obvious by now; you're one of the strongest writers on this site, so should go without saying. It actually leaves me unsure what to post, because I hate just saying I like something without elaborating on it. 

So, something I'll say; I liked the little touches you gave to flesh out Cora's personality. Some of it is obviously a kick at Bella Swan - like her liking stuff from forty years ago, but only if it's not mainstream - but the "shoving breakfast in my mouth because of god all of the late" and pulling her tee-shirt on inside out was...

Yeah, it's parody. But I do feel like it's kind of human, in a way? Like, if you weren't going for the parody angle, you could actually turn those traits and make Cora a real person.

... Which, I guess, brings me to my only real complaint: I was left terrible confused by the characters name. Cora isn't mentioned until about half-way through the story, at the lunch room table. On my first read through, I actually assumed that her name was Jordan* since that was the name mentioned first, and it was said by Dooly, which gave a connection. So, my only recommendation for what to change might be to add something nearer the start?

Like, show a scene with her father at the begining. Play into that Charlie-parrallel for later, sure, but also have him mention Cora's name so that it's clear off the bat that that is who the protagonist is.

... Of course, that's a really minor nit-picking point, so. Yeah. I liked. 

[Erunion]

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles - that was one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I'm still grinning at the bus stop. 

Well done. Very well done. Nice touches all throughout. (Irish myth so catholicized - the necklace was a cross?) 

 

Not gonna lie, pretty sure Cora is a Banshee now. 

Might be able to swing a sequel based on her haunting the school with her shrieks; deaf boy falling for her instantly. 

Everyone else falling to their knees in terror. Meeting the boys family would be a good scene. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

10 minutes ago, Erunion said:

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles - that was one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I'm still grinning at the bus stop. 

Well done. Very well done. Nice touches all throughout. (Irish myth so catholicized - the necklace was a cross?) 

 

Not gonna lie, pretty sure Cora is a Banshee now. 

Might be able to swing a sequel based on her haunting the school with her shrieks; deaf boy falling for her instantly. 

Everyone else falling to their knees in terror. Meeting the boys family would be a good scene. 

It could be. I honestly didn't consider what shape it took, but I like the idea of it being a cross. 

And that is a sequel I hadn't thought of—deaf boy falls in love with a very dumb banshee.  

[Erunion]

12 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

It could be. I honestly didn't consider what shape it took, but I like the idea of it being a cross. 

And that is a sequel I hadn't thought of—deaf boy falls in love with a very dumb banshee.  

It suits the Irish folklore, I think. 
Mind you, if Dooly is one of the Faen court, then it could simply have been made of iron. 
Or even both, an iron cross. Of course, then people would wonder if she was German, and had relatives who fought in the World Wars... 

Feel free to steal! 
But you're the author - generally your own ideas would flow more naturally and read better