Robinski - 170213 - TMM, Chapter 4 - 2783 words (L)

[Robinski]

Hey all,

 

Thanks in anticipation for reading. I like these one line summaries some people are doing, so...

 

As usual, if you are able to read, I'm just looking for any comments that occur to you.

 

Best, Robinski

Edited December 29, 2017 by Robinski

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

This is a good read, and Moth is a really fun character.
I do have a few line-by-line comments:

p27 "Moth wanted to ask Grimes questions..." this paragraph seems a bit out of character for Moth. She's usually a lot more self-obsessed.

p29 "non-judgemental, voice", lose the comma

p30 "laser pest control system" ... awesome

p31 "Perhaps, per favour", I got "per favore" out of google translate for "please", did you maybe leave your autocorrect on?

p32 "appled©", I assume in analogy of "googled"?
p32 "They made eye contact and the woman", lost word
p32 "and walked over as 2:00pm buzzed", lost word

p33 "so the envelope slid(e) onto the table", past tense
p33 "wandering around the cathedral", not "wondering"

I'm looking forward to the next installment.

[Mandamon]

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. It's certainly fleshed out more from the original version. However, I'm not...really sure what's going on. I kept expecting Grimes to be Quirk in disguise, but maybe he has a larger part later? Grimes has almost no lines or personality, so I'm not sure what his part in the story is. I had to check back in the last chapter to make sure that was even an assignment Toni gave. It takes up a lot of the chapter, when I was more interested in the drop. Maybe some more discussion with Grimes might flesh things out, or a couple sentences to rehash the objective, though that part might be WRS.

Notes while reading:

pg 5: "Banana Tie’s gaze "
--I think this needs to be signaled better. I remembered there was a yellow tie, but had to go back and read to make sure it was the same person. Might want to include "banana" in the first description.

pg 6: "they had established on the train that she was going on a weekly visit"
--Hmm...I'd like to see the dialogue for this. Mr Grimes hasn't said much the whole time, and it would be good to see Moth's attitude toward him while he tried to figure out where he's going.

pg 6: "casual condescension"
--Is this talking about the pine scent, or that Grimes messed up his Italian? Not sure what the condescension is referring to.

pg 7: "It was less than an hour since she had watched him enter the station toilet. There had been no proper amount of time to hold a discussion, even if she’d wanted to."
--I mean, yes, it's Italy, but you can still get in a lot of talking in an hour...

pg 10: "She had appled© ‘emancipation’ on her last birthday"
--do what? Applied? (EDIT: Oh, I see EOTFP above got it. Eh, I don't really see Apple as taking over in that capacity, but I suppose anything could happen.)

[kais]

Overall

It seems early for WRS, but I'm confused. There is the envelope drop, so why does she hook up with Grimes? Is that just to pass without being suspicious? If it's part of some plan that might need just a sentence or two of lay out. Looks like @Mandamon has said something similar. Some clarifying could really help. 

Still love Moth, and all her expletives.

 

As I go

- so wait, is she helping out the passenger to blend in? yes?

- the second to last paragraph on page three is muddled. I'm not sure what you're trying to say

- second to last paragraph on page four - what is trying to be said here? The businessmen are looking at her for an unknown reason so she slouches. Something inappropriate?

- page seven - I think I'd like a bit more tension building on the train. It's vaguely interesting in that I like Moth, but then Grimes and the drop-off is really anticlimactic and leaves me now with a 'why did I read that' feeling

- page eleven: into her pants to protect her pantyhose... you mean her underpants?

- the end is good!

[Robinski]

Thanks for the comments, Eagle - much appreciated. Responses below - lots of typos this time! Thanks for picking them.

10 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

p27 "Moth wanted to ask Grimes questions..." this paragraph seems a bit out of character for Moth. She's usually a lot more self-obsessed. - Yeah, this was a revision, but does sound off, doesn't it? I think I'll look at changing that in Edit 2.

p31 "Perhaps, per favour", I got "per favore" out of google translate for "please", did you maybe leave your autocorrect on? - You are so kind to think that it was an oversight; no, just plum wasn't paying attention.

p32 "appled©", I assume in analogy of "googled"? - Yes indeed. I guess it kind of half-worked.

So glad you're enjoying it. Most of the material previously submitted here is behind us now, so I'm eager to move on and see what you guys think!

Thanks again.

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for reading. I always look forward to your comments, which are often the most searching (so there's some trepidation in my anticipation!).

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I kept expecting Grimes to be Quirk in disguise, but maybe he has a larger part later?

Yikes - I had not even slightly thought of that . He does, sort of.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Maybe some more discussion with Grimes

I'll consider that.

- banana: yeah, okay - fair point;

- establishing the weekly visit on the train: yeah, it's a bit of a cheat, I'll think on that, but it's not the first call for some discussion between them;

- condescension: yes again, this reference is too oblique, I agree. I think I'll just drop the whole thought;

- talking in an hour: yeah, I think Moth's just trying to rationalise why she didn't speak to him. A little bit of unreliable narration, perhaps;

- appled: yeah, I might drop that, or at least alter it.

Great comments, I've got some editing to do there, but worse still, some thinking! Thanks, Man.

[rdpulfer]

- I liked Moth's interactions with Grimes, and especially how it shows how she plays people.

- What's a "talking contest" look like? You might want to expand upon this.

- Not sure if I buy Moth being angry at Grimes for not learning her name after she used a throwaway line she herself admits usually works. Maybe she's angry Grimes didn't pry more?

- Very interested to see where this is going next. I like this character and world a lot. 

[Robinski]

9 hours ago, kaisa said:

so why does she hook up with Grimes?  Some clarifying could really help.

Yes, I'm going to have to flag that better. A couple of lines should do it.

In fact, in light of your comments and Mandamon's I'm going to can-of-worms the whole Grimes encounter with Moth and re-write it in Edit 2. At the end of the day, it's not that important, but the mechanics are necessary. I can re-write it more interesting, and tense. Thanks for the flag on this. In fact, it's a great opportunity to shows what Moth's goals, aims and aspirations are - which I totally missed first time around. Thanks everyone, really enthused to revise this now!  

 

[Robinski]

6 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

What's a "talking contest" look like?

Hah - no idea, it's a kind of abstract idea of Moth's in the heat of the moment.

6 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

Not sure if I buy Moth being angry at Grimes for not learning her name

Fair point. The intention really was to show her as narcissistic.

7 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

Very interested to see where this is going next. I like this character and world a lot.

Awesome! I'm so glad the characters are engaging people. It's probably the story that is more in need of eyes on it. To some extent, I was hoping to introduce the characters before the story really picked up, although it has 'started'.

Thanks so much for reading.  

[Hobbit]

Hello!  As usual, I enjoyed the chapter.  It was sort of calm, though.  It was low on tension, but with plenty of funny moments for me to enjoy.  I love how Moth is constantly deciding people are f-ers.

On February 13, 2017 at 11:37 AM, Mandamon said:

I kept expecting Grimes to be Quirk in disguise

I had a similar issue.  I was pretty sure Grimes wasn't Quirk, but not 100% sure.

On February 13, 2017 at 11:37 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Banana Tie’s gaze "
--I think this needs to be signaled better. I remembered there was a yellow tie, but had to go back and read to make sure it was the same person. Might want to include "banana" in the first description.

Quick story - on a trip to London with my in-laws, I was walking around in a greenhouse, wearing a recently purchased yellow dress.  A mother and her young daughter were looking for banana trees, and the mother turned around, spotted me, and declared in a wonderful British accent, "Well, don't you look like a banana!"  So now I have a banana dress.

On February 13, 2017 at 4:22 PM, kaisa said:

There is the envelope drop, so why does she hook up with Grimes? Is that just to pass without being suspicious?

This was also a difficulty for me.  At first, I thought he was a specific target.  Then I thought, Oh, she's just using him to look like she has a legit reason to be here.  Then at the top of p. 7 I realized, Wait, no, he was a specific target after all.

Other comments:

but now she had this crap with the state-issue robot to worry about.
Where is the robot right now?  Why isn't it following her?

“Your luggage is stowed incorrectly,” said the cab in a non-judgemental, voice
This made me chuckle.

rewarding Grimes’ Italian with a squirt of pine fresh fragrance.
Haha.  Great turn of phrase.

The laser pest control system saw to that.
O.o

Moth’s black apparel and lesser stature among all these adults made her almost invisible,
I don't believe this, unless there are lots and lots of nuns in this particular place.  Even in places where nuns are common, habits stand out.  I assume she's wearing her habit? Maybe not, but if she is, she's going to be noticed.

“You don’t start until tomorrow,” she protested
Ah. I would have liked to know this earlier. Or maybe you mentioned it in the previous chapter. WRS?

I enjoyed the world building in this chapter, but I see you already have plans to re-write this with more tension.  I support that!

Edited February 16, 2017 by Hobbit
Typos...

[Robinski]

15 hours ago, Hobbit said:

"Well, don't you look like a banana!"

Ha-ha - awesome. Londoners, they're have their own special brand of hospitality.

15 hours ago, Hobbit said:

This was also a difficulty for me.

Thank you, yes, I'm totally going to re-write that section. Same general mechanics, but it I accept it needs a gee-up.

15 hours ago, Hobbit said:

Where is the robot right now?  Why isn't it following her?

Good point - there is a line where La Madre says 'starting tomorrow' (or something like that), 'he'll be your 'guide'. It's a bit lame asa means to give her the space she needs to stand in for Giulia. I'll consider that in the re-write.

15 hours ago, Hobbit said:

I don't believe this, unless there are lots and lots of nuns in this particular place.

It's actually a black dress smock dress. It is mentioned on the first page, but maybe I need to drop another mention or two to make that stick.

15 hours ago, Hobbit said:

Or maybe you mentioned it in the previous chapter.

I guess La Madre's line is in the previous chapter in fact. Good point. I'll drop that into this one, near the start.

Thanks so much for reading, Hobbit, much appreciated, great comments here.

 

[Robinski]

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

now it turns out he knows about T.? I dunno, maybe that;s WRS.

Yeah, I think you're right, that thread is a bit muddy. As noted above, I'm going to re-write the background to the M + G encounter.

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

Aren't England and France a part of Europe? Why is it here as if it were some other country?

Hmm, yes, I've made some oblique comments about the political geography of Europe having changed, but only a set dressing, I haven't actually followed that through. nominally, Italy is now affiliated with Africa, politically at least, and no doubt the countries in between (Greece, Cyprus, etc.). I don't want to make a big thing out of it in this story; it's really only there as colour, to add a sense of otherness.

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

The grand entrance of the dragon

Lol - excellent!

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

I quite enjoyed it, probably as much as I can enjoy a book outside of my preferred reading territory

Awesome, I will take that, and it's kind of you to keep reading. Much appreciated, Ernei