Ghost

[StrikerEZ]

So, this was a book idea I had a few years ago in eight grade after I saw whatever Marvel movie was out at the time. I had the amazing idea to make a series of books about superheroes. That idea spawned this character. I started writing it, and I was certain that I would go on to write an entire book, but I lost inspiration/forgot about it. I just remembered it, and I was surprised to see I still have it. So, I decided what the heck. I kind of like it, except for my writing style at the time (yes, I know I accidentally switched from present to past to present all over the place, I was just too lazy to go back and fix it).

 

Spoiler

Prologue

    It was a warm, summer day, not too hot, and definitely not too cold. The most perfect weather to go out to a water park and have a fun day with all the students at the local high school. All the girls who worried about whether or not they were attractive to guys would get the most perfect tan. The jocks would be flirting with any cute girls they saw, and the geeks would be floating around in the lazy river.
    Then there were the loners, those who did not fit into any of the three categories mentioned previously. They flitted about in different groups, always looking for someone to hang out with, but not too many people all at once. 
    One such loner, a sophomore with dirty blonde hair and bright green eyes was walking at the edge of the wave pool. He was debating whether he should or shouldn’t go in, when he heard his name called. Smiling as the thin hands of a girl covered his eyes, he went along with the game of guess who.
    “Come on,” he said, waiting for the girl to say her name, even though he knew. “Get on with it Claire!”
    The girl gasped in fake horror as he said her name, ruining the fun of the game. “Seriously!” The girl yelled at the boy. “Ian, you were supposed to say, ‘Who is this!’ Then I’d say my name! You ruined it!” The way her words came out was the exact opposite of how she was feeling, with a huge grin on her face.
Ian just shook his head and laughed, an even bigger grin on his face than his sister had. Turning around suddenly, he grabbed her in his arms, and swung her around, getting a very happy scream from her.
“Put me down!” She yelled in glee, secretly enjoying the spin, though she’d never admit that to him.
Still laughing his head off, Ian set her down on the ground, leaning down to give her  a quick kiss on her forehead. “Calm down, Claire,” he said, tousling her hair. “I know you absolutely hate it when I spin you around like that, don’t you.” Most certainly, he had caught on that she enjoyed being spun around.
Claire laughed, then opened her mouth as if to say something, but was cut off as a loud noise was heard all around the entire park. It sounded as if it were a bomb, which, in fact, it was.
Ian immediately pushed her down to the ground, trying to look around for the source of the explosion. Then another went off. And another. Until their eardrums felt as if they had burst  from all the sound.
At some point during the bombing , he must’ve blacked out, for when he woke up, they had stopped. He looked up, then closed his eyes and laid back down, scarred by the images of dead bodies and bloody limbs seared into his mind for as long as he would live.
He shook with terror.
    What’s happening?
He freaked out as he looked to his side and couldn’t see Claire anywhere in all the smoke and debris. He called out her name a few times, then stopped as he heard the sound of gunshots somewhere, and quickly stumbled up to look for her. Many times, while he was searching for her, he tripped over dead body parts or broken beach chairs. Once, he even seemed to be drawing closer to the sound of gunfire, but he turned away from it instinctively.
Dazedly, he noticed these things, but he was intent only on  finding his sister . The thought occurred to him that maybe she had walked in one of the directions he hadn’t yet walked towards, but then he saw one of her flip flops abandoned and bloodied near him, a small body not too far, bent at an unnatural angle, one foot missing completely. It took his slowly moving brain to process what this meant. 
Claire.
Unlike in the movies, he didn’t begin screaming or yelling that it should’ve been him. He simply fell to his knees, feeling defeated, broken, and terribly, terribly lonely. 
Claire.
Claire.
Why her?
Innocent, smiling, and happy. 
Claire….
It was all he could do to crawl towards the lazy river as heard approaching gunfire somewhere behind him.
If he could get to the lazy river, he thought, maybe he could play dead, and the shooters would leave him alone. He got all the way to the edge when he heard a shout somewhere close behind him. Not able to understand it, but knowing that he had been found, he tried to fall into the river. Not before he got shot in the lower back as the first round of bullets was fired in his direction.
He gasped in pain, then fell in, barely getting a tiny breath. He held it, staying as perfectly still as he could, hoping the gunmen would think he had been killed before he fell in. It took him almost all his willpower, but he never took a breath, even after it had felt like at least an hour and he thought his lungs would explode. Before he knew it, he passed out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter One

    I slowly awoke from what felt like an endless, dreamless sleep. A sleep that my body still wanted to be in, but some part of me knew I should avoid. 
As I reached out with my right arm over to where my side table and alarm clock would be, I knew something was wrong; I just couldn’t quite place my finger on it. The air smelled much fresher, and more sterile than what my room usually smelled like. Whatever I had fallen asleep in was all scratchy, and definitely not anything I would choose to wear. The bed sheets were not keeping the warmth in that well, and there was something near me that was beeping in rhythm to my heart….
Both my heart and the beeping increased tenfold as this information was processed through my brain and a signal sent to the rest of my body. I was in a hospital.
I began to writhe around the hospital bed, struggling to get up, hoping not to see anyone else in the room. Thankfully I was alone for the moment, and my struggles were not noticed by anyone but me.
It took me at least five minutes to finally see the restraints all over my bed and my body. As my heart and the machine began to beep faster and faster, a group of nurses charged into to my room, bringing with them a bright mix-match of all sorts of colors. They obviously came to check on me.
I was swarmed with all sorts of questions and comments, the majority asking if I was okay, which I tried to reassure them I was. The almost constant drone of my heart and heart monitor beeping didn’t help them believe what I was saying.
After what must’ve been an hour of constantly being worried over, the doctor came in to see how I was doing. When the nurses saw him, they scurried out of the room like little rats. If only they had done that when I had reassured them I was feeling fine.
“Sorry for all that,” the doctor began, closing the door behind him and sitting down in a chair facing me, not yet looking up from his clipboard. He looked nice, a proper doctor. 
At a first glance, he looked normal. It took me a few seconds to notice that he almost glowed a strange grey. I squirm against the uncomfortable restraints, trying to give the doctor a hint to let me go. He still doesn’t look up from his papers. 
I try and clear my throat as well. Nothing. 
“So, Mr. Hardrew, how are you feeling?” This was the first time he’s looked up at me.
“I’m feeling alright.” I gave him a weird look. He didn’t even introduce himself.
“Very good, very good,” he says glancing down again. “You’ve only sustained minor injuries, surprisingly.” What? I thought I was shot. I felt the bullet go through my back! I still have the pain to prove it.
“I think that report’s wrong, sir. I remember getting shot.” The doctor looks up at me again. His eyes have changed color. At first, they were a warm brown, a friendly color. Now they were a freaky sort of black. Like dark voids. He inhaled slowly, as if he was smelling some sort of expensive perfume.
“Um, sir?” I ask shakily. 
“Oh, that smells wonderful.” I think I heard him say under his breath. The glow around him became darker, and seemed to pulse.
“Are you alright?” I whisper as I strain with all my might against my restraints. I could almost feel the...the wrongness of this doctor.
“Oh, don’t worry about me,” the doctor says. I gulp, noticing the greyness around him becoming even darker than before. “I’m more worried about you.” My eyes widen in fear as he stands up, and I can’t see a name tag anywhere on his coat. 
    “Don’t worry, Ian.” He says as he draws closer to my bed. Once again, I struggle more and more against my restraints, a futile effort. 
    He pulled out a very scary-looking syringe, filled with what I could only assume was something that would definitely not help me in any way.
    His already black eyes seemed to get even darker, if that was even possible.
    As he draws closer and closer to me, I feel a strange tingle move throughout my body, starting in my chest and spreading to the rest of me. It feels almost like floating on air. Or, what I think it would feel like to float on air.
    Whatever the tingling means, Dr. Death-Eye obviously can see it, as he screams and jumps at me, the syringe aimed to stab my heart. I close my eyes, knowing this is the end...and nothing happens. 
    Afraid that I died and didn’t know, I keep my eyes closed for a little longer. Curiosity gets the best of me, so I open my eyes. The sight was the strangest thing I’d seen yet.
    The ‘doctor’ had leaped on to the bed, and the syringe had gone straight through me and stabbed the bed. I could only tell that, because where my body had been not even ten seconds ago, there was nothing but a pale, ghost-like version of me. 
    He was so confused, and looked around for me, getting up off the bed. I watched curiously as he went around the entire room, checking every nook and cranny. 
    I slowly got up, remembering all too well the restraints that had held me down a few moments ago. They did not hinder me anymore. Even now, the strange sensation still flowed through my body. I hadn’t grown used to it yet.
I held my hands in front of my face, hoping to see them as they had been before whatever this was had happened. I was still greeted by a very faint outline of my hands and body.
    I turned around to watch the doctor scratch his head as he had finally explored the whole room, and had found nothing. I watched him sigh and take out a phone-like device from his coat pocket. I listen intently as he pulls it to his ear and begins to talk through it.
    “Yes, yes, I managed to persuade his nurses to leave the room for me to get the syringe ready.” He almost yells at the phone. I swear he thinks that if he doesn’t yell they won’t hear what he says. Nodding at something the other line says. “Yes. I had him. But...he vanished on me.” Another brief pause. “You don’t really think….” Harsh yelling from the other side. “If that’s the case….”

 

[Hemalurgic Headshot]

Nifty.

[StrikerEZ]

31 minutes ago, Hemalurgic_Headshot said:

Nifty.

Is there anything I can improve on? Anything I need to fix? Is something unclear?

[Hemalurgic Headshot]

Hmm. In the prologue, I would add a bit more build up, because the bomb comes suddenly and a bit too quickly. We don't even have any time to bond with Claire. The doctor needs a little work too.

[Yezrien]

Just a few really basic things.

In the prologue, you start in third-person omniscient viewpoint, then move to third-person limited, then back to omniscient for little bits. Then, in Chapter 1, it's in first person. The tense also changes from past to present for bits of Chapter 1. As a rule, these variations shouldn't happen. Pick a tense, pick a viewpoint, and stay consistent.

And if you're open to more practical advice...

The prologue introduces Ian, but doesn't tell us much about him. We know what he looks like, but there isn't a strong sense of personality. You tell us what he's not -- a nerd or a jock -- but not what he is. 'Loner' isn't very descriptive. 

Try to establish the main character using actions and emotions. Let him show his true colours by doing, saying, and feeling things. If you're looking for some examples, most of the Marvel movies do this really well. Make sure the hero has some clear, distinctive qualities, and make them obvious. "Just an average kid" is the most boring kid in the world. Heroes stand out, even before they're heroes.

The Doctor scene is interesting, because it introduces both Ian's abilities and the villain. The big problem here is the pacing. You don't need that whole paragraph to show that he's not in his own bed. He wakes from a deep sleep. There's an EKG monitor. He realizes he's in a hospital room. Got it. He calls out because he's confused. A nurse sees that he's awake, then goes to get the doctor. Everything before the doctor's arrival is trivial. Don't draw it out.

The other problem with this scene is Ian's behavior. He doesn't seem confused or curious. He really should be asking "what happened?" "How did I get here?" "Where are my parents?" It seems boring and uninspired, but it's the way people react. It's a reaction readers will understand. And we need to understand the main character's actions. Otherwise, we disengage.

You say "I squirm against the uncomfortable restraints, trying to give the doctor a hint to let me go." But why doesn't he just ask the doctor to remove the restraints? 

And you've probably heard this one before, but... show, don't tell. I'm talking about the syringe. Don't say "a scary-looking syringe;" describe the syringe, and let the scariness speak for itself. Tell us it was cut glass instead of plastic, and the needle was about as thick as an HB pencil, and the liquid inside the glass was bubbling like 7-Up on steroids. Bubbling so loud you can hear it.

Ian demands to know what's in there, but the Doctor just tells him to relax. Ian can't relax. He struggles against the restraints. The Doctor advances. A drop of liquid falls off the tip of the needle and sizzles on the floor. Ian begs and pleads, but the doctor just keeps coming. There's something wrong with his eyes!

Okay. I'll stop now.

[Hemalurgic Headshot]

22 minutes ago, Belzedar said:

you say "I squirm against the uncomfortable restraints, trying to give the doctor a hint to let me go." But why doesn't he just ask the doctor to remove the restraints? 

And you've probably heard this one before, but... show, don't tell. I'm talking about the syringe. Don't say "a scary-looking syringe;" describe the syringe, and let the scariness speak for itself. Tell us it was cut glass instead of plastic, and the needle was about as thick as an HB pencil, and the liquid inside the glass was bubbling like 7-Up on steroids. Bubbling so loud you can hear it.

Ian demands to know what's in there, but the Doctor just tells him to relax. Ian can't relax. He struggles against the restraints. The Doctor advances. A drop of liquid falls off the tip of the needle and sizzles on the floor. Ian begs and pleads, but the doctor just keeps coming. There's something wrong with his eyes!

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[StrikerEZ]

4 hours ago, Belzedar said:

Just a few really basic things.

In the prologue, you start in third-person omniscient viewpoint, then move to third-person limited, then back to omniscient for little bits. Then, in Chapter 1, it's in first person. The tense also changes from past to present for bits of Chapter 1. As a rule, these variations shouldn't happen. Pick a tense, pick a viewpoint, and stay consistent.

And if you're open to more practical advice...

The prologue introduces Ian, but doesn't tell us much about him. We know what he looks like, but there isn't a strong sense of personality. You tell us what he's not -- a nerd or a jock -- but not what he is. 'Loner' isn't very descriptive. 

Try to establish the main character using actions and emotions. Let him show his true colours by doing, saying, and feeling things. If you're looking for some examples, most of the Marvel movies do this really well. Make sure the hero has some clear, distinctive qualities, and make them obvious. "Just an average kid" is the most boring kid in the world. Heroes stand out, even before they're heroes.

The Doctor scene is interesting, because it introduces both Ian's abilities and the villain. The big problem here is the pacing. You don't need that whole paragraph to show that he's not in his own bed. He wakes from a deep sleep. There's an EKG monitor. He realizes he's in a hospital room. Got it. He calls out because he's confused. A nurse sees that he's awake, then goes to get the doctor. Everything before the doctor's arrival is trivial. Don't draw it out.

The other problem with this scene is Ian's behavior. He doesn't seem confused or curious. He really should be asking "what happened?" "How did I get here?" "Where are my parents?" It seems boring and uninspired, but it's the way people react. It's a reaction readers will understand. And we need to understand the main character's actions. Otherwise, we disengage.

You say "I squirm against the uncomfortable restraints, trying to give the doctor a hint to let me go." But why doesn't he just ask the doctor to remove the restraints? 

And you've probably heard this one before, but... show, don't tell. I'm talking about the syringe. Don't say "a scary-looking syringe;" describe the syringe, and let the scariness speak for itself. Tell us it was cut glass instead of plastic, and the needle was about as thick as an HB pencil, and the liquid inside the glass was bubbling like 7-Up on steroids. Bubbling so loud you can hear it.

Ian demands to know what's in there, but the Doctor just tells him to relax. Ian can't relax. He struggles against the restraints. The Doctor advances. A drop of liquid falls off the tip of the needle and sizzles on the floor. Ian begs and pleads, but the doctor just keeps coming. There's something wrong with his eyes!

Okay. I'll stop now.

Some of that I already knew, and was partially because I wrote this when I was 12/13. Most of your advice was really good, and holy cow...that description of the needle...I REALLY wanna use that now. 

[Yezrien]

Thanks! I know I can get a little overbearing with the criticism, but it's only because I'm passionate about this stuff, and I really believe I can help.

The ghost-superhero idea has a lot of potential. It's such a classic, natural way for a person to get superpowers, yet it's never really produced a mainstream superhero. I know there are superhero ghosts in comics (Deadman? Deathman?), but they're not well-known or influential characters. No one's rushing out to make movies about them. So this concept is just sitting there, waiting for someone to do something cool with it.

I'd like to know more about this story you've started. What made him a ghost? What are his powers? What's going on with that doctor? What was the bombing/shooting all about? 

[StrikerEZ]

12 hours ago, Belzedar said:

Thanks! I know I can get a little overbearing with the criticism, but it's only because I'm passionate about this stuff, and I really believe I can help.

The ghost-superhero idea has a lot of potential. It's such a classic, natural way for a person to get superpowers, yet it's never really produced a mainstream superhero. I know there are superhero ghosts in comics (Deadman? Deathman?), but they're not well-known or influential characters. No one's rushing out to make movies about them. So this concept is just sitting there, waiting for someone to do something cool with it.

I'd like to know more about this story you've started. What made him a ghost? What are his powers? What's going on with that doctor? What was the bombing/shooting all about? 

Thanks, it makes me happy to know someone found it cool. 

Well, I've come up with a very complicated world in my head. Pretty much, he died at the same time the previous "Ghost" died, so they traded places. A "Ghost" is like an immortal being who can travel between the realm of the living and the realm of the dead. It's a lot more complicated than that though. His powers are the obvious intangibility/invisibility, but he can fly when he's intangible as well. Everyone has an aura, a representation of the life force of that person that only Ghosts can see. When a person dies, that life force goes to the Spirit Realm. But there are some Spirits, which I have yet to name yet, that latch on to a living person and persist after death; this is shown by the gray aura. The darker the aura, the longer the Spirit has been in the host, and the stonger the Spirit is. If a Ghost is strong enough, they can take a Spirit and force it to the Realm of the Living, which would create it a new body; however, they would pretty much be a mindless zombie. What's more commonly done is forcing the Spirit to inhabit a person, which allows the Ghost to control them (note: when a Spirit inhabits someone, that person mostly ceases to exist, and their Spirit merges with that of the Spirit inside of them). The doctor, obviously, is the minion of someone who does NOT like Ghosts to "go rouge." Pretty much, there's a secret group of Ghosts that hunt down other Ghosts, kill them, and then find the new Ghost that is made and see if they can convince them to work for them. If not, they kill them. This doctor, who has been inhabited a long time, went against his master's order of knocking out Ian and instead decided to kill him (with his power he's collected, he would be able to transfer to Ian's body and reanimate it). There's a lot more than that, but I'm too lazy to go into even more detail.

[Yezrien]

So when you die, a Ghost can catch your spirit, and use it to control someone else?

[StrikerEZ]

3 hours ago, Belzedar said:

So when you die, a Ghost can catch your spirit, and use it to control someone else?

Yeah. Though, they aren't supposed to. A Ghost's purpose is to stop the inevitable leak of rogue Spirits from the Spirit Realm and to keep order in the Spirit Realm itself (though, for a new Ghost, the only way they could get to it would be through a place where the connection between realms is strong or being taught how to do it on command).

Also, areas where there has been lots of death (as in huge battles, nuclear bombed sites, etc.), the connection to the Spirit World is a lot stronger, and Spirits could (if they were strong enough) break through. Usually this appears as a random door (imagine more of a castle gate but narrower and a lot smaller) to darkness appearing, and a Spirit will escape. The door closes soon after (not literally closing, as it is a tear through the realms, and appears as a black nothingness-if you go behind it, it's not there and you can walk through where it would be, but if you walk through the front, you get sent to the Spirit World). A Spirit, however, has very little control over the real world without a physical form. It is possible to create a semi-permanent or permanent door, though only a Ghost could do this.

The more damage done to someone before they die weakens their aura before it even leaves their body. When the Spirit arrives to the Spirit World, they may be damaged (lost memories and/or personality). 

Is there anything else you're curious about? @Belzedar

[Hemalurgic Headshot]

I'm curious whether this "door to the Spirit World" will happen? Sounds like the perfect thing for an evil organization (Doctor's boss) to want in their basement, or perhaps in the middle of a really populated city. And if you're cooking up another chapter soon (I like the potential of this story).

[Yezrien]

I guess I'm still not clear on what the Ghosts (the good ones and the bad ones) are really doing.

The good Ghosts are supposed to stop rogue spirits, but why? What are the rogue spirits doing that needs to be stopped? And keeping order in the spirit world... what does that look like? Are they like cops? What kind of chaos are they preventing?

And the evil Ghosts... they kill Ghosts, but also recruit Ghosts? What's their goal? Is there some grand plan they're working toward?

[StrikerEZ]

@Hemalurgic_Headshot The door does occur...though, it wouldn't occur in the first book, if there even is a possibility for other books. And...probably not anytime soon. I really like this idea, but I just don't have the time to work on it. I'll probably start it up during spring break and over summer break, if I get the motivation to do so.

@Belzedar That's part of my problem writing this book. Everything about the world makes sense in my head, because I've already planned out a hell lot of the plot. But I'm not sure how to explain why things happen, more what happens, and how. But that's what I'm working on. I'll go ahead and attempt to answer your questions though. 

Maybe I was confusing at first, but the rogue spirits are just people who died, but don't want to be dead. Personality traits (unless they've been damaged) are pronounced in Spirits...I don't know where I was going with that or why I brought it up now.... 

Okay, so while personality traits are pronounced in Spirits, their bad qualities are also pronounced. So, an insane murderer who died and he was hardly damaged at all. He hates being dead, and he goes even more insane as a Spirit. A Ghost's job (in theory) is to make sure he never gets to the real world. But that's hard with so few Ghosts, all of the people that have died throughout human history, and the fact that there a quite a few places with strong connections to the Spirit World. MOST rogue Spirits are similar to that, though some aren't nearly as evil. 

The Spirit World is almost like a kingdom...sort of. There is a very small council of Ghosts that have been around for millennia. Oh, it's important to mention that after a certain amount of time, a Ghost loses their power and is given a few options. They can either request to join the council (though this doesn't happen very often), or become a normal Spirit. Anyway, the Ghosts (if they follow the rules) act similar to cops, just making sure Spirits don't do anything dumb pretty much. Though a Ghost is not required to do so, they usually, not always, feel a calling to do it anyway. The oldest Spirits are mostly harmless (unless they've gathered lots of power to keep their Aura strong), and are pretty much like cattle to be herded (though this is hardly necessary) because over time, an Aura will grow weaker until the Spirit no longer exists. The younger Spirits are the ones that are the most dangerous, because they're usually more likely to want to return to the Real World, unless they're were damaged and have forgotten themselves. 

Because are Ghosts are immortal (up to a certain point), and their physical bodies are mostly Spirit World projections (I just made that term up now, but that's pretty much what I've been thinking), they, just like Spirits, have their traits pronounced. So, if a Ghost was already power-hungry or insane, over time those traits would become stronger (opposite to that of a Spirit). That's not to say a Spirit or Ghost can't change their personality, but the longer they've been around, the more permanent their traits become. 

The evil Ghosts are led by one that has been around for over a thousand years. He was a ruler of an empire before his death, and when he became a Ghost, he became even more power-hungry. His goal is to take over the entire Spirit Realm. The reason the council doesn't just take away his powers is because they don't decide who gets powers and they can't them away either. The only thing they decide is when a Ghost joins the council (or assignments for Ghosts to hunt down certain Spirits). This Ghost, who I have yet to name, has been amassing an army for his entire Ghost-life and has managed to avoid most of the good Ghosts that have gone searching for him. Those he couldn't avoid didn't survive. 

I think I answered all your questions, but I bet you have even more now.

Miscellaneous facts:

-The term Ghost isn't what they're truly called, but that's the term the Ghosts who stay in the Real World (not all of them are evil; some just choose not to help the Spirit World) have come up with. Their actual title is Guardian. 

-I may or may not have an idea for a follow up series set a thousand years after this series based around the idea of giant Gates-doors to the Spirit Realm the size of a six story building-across the world. The Spirit Realm would be controlled by one, really powerful Ghost. The idea isn't the people of Earth have a group of warriors stationed around the Gates called Guardians that fight the monsters (Spirits) that come from the Gates. 

-In the Spirit Realm, you could be speaking to someone who speaks Japanese, but you would see their lips move and hear them as if they were speaking English. 

-If I really got this idea published, my planned order of books is this: Ghost, Specter, Phantom.

[Yezrien]

On 2/2/2017 at 11:33 PM, StrikerEZ said:

I think I answered all your questions, but I bet you have even more now.

Yeah, that's me in a nutshell. 

You've clearly got a really comprehensive understanding of how things work. But I'm still wondering why they work. The missing pieces of this puzzle are motivation and stakes. Respectively, why do people do what they're doing, and what will happen if they fail?

Basically, I need to know what matters to spirits and ghosts. To us mere mortals, it's all about safety and money. Most of what we do is for one (or both) of those two things. But once you're dead, you don't need those anymore. So what are you fighting for? The Emperor Ghost wants power, but what good does power do him? As a ghost, he's already immortal and indestructible. What does he have to gain? And why would other ghosts join his army? What can he offer them?

And if he did gain control of the spirit realm, what would be so bad about that? 

And this probably ought to be addressed: What's the spirit ream like? What do we have to look forward to after we die?

I like the part about auras fading, and spirits eventually fading into nothingness. That could solve a lot of problems. If that applies to ghosts as well, then no one's really immortal -- which means immortality is now something people can want. There's your motivation.

And if the bad guys can acquire immortality (or at least forestall their inevitable fading) by somehow hurting people, like eating other spirits... now you've got the stakes.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Belzedar

[StrikerEZ]

13 hours ago, Belzedar said:

Yeah, that's me in a nutshell. 

You've clearly got a really comprehensive understanding of how things work. But I'm still wondering why they work. The missing pieces of this puzzle are motivation and stakes. Respectively, why do people do what they're doing, and what will happen if they fail?

Basically, I need to know what matters to spirits and ghosts. To us mere mortals, it's all about safety and money. Most of what we do is for one (or both) of those two things. But once you're dead, you don't need those anymore. So what are you fighting for? The Emperor Ghost wants power, but what good does power do him? As a ghost, he's already immortal and indestructible. What does he have to gain? And why would other ghosts join his army? What can he offer them?

And if he did gain control of the spirit realm, what would be so bad about that? 

And this probably ought to be addressed: What's the spirit ream like? What do we have to look forward to after we die?

I like the part about auras fading, and spirits eventually fading into nothingness. That could solve a lot of problems. If that applies to ghosts as well, then no one's really immortal -- which means immortality is now something people can want. There's your motivation.

And if the bad guys can acquire immortality (or at least forestall their inevitable fading) by somehow hurting people, like eating other spirits... now you've got the stakes.

For Emperor Ghost (I like that title, by the way), it's a matter of afterlife or death, as it is with every Ghost or Spirit. He wants power because he is used to it from before he died, but with power comes the ability to achieve immortality, at the expense of other Spirits/Ghosts. In the Spirit Realm, while he may not be able to lose his powers because of the Guardians, there are other ways he can be punished (see next paragraph). In the Real World, he has a physical body, which allows him to interact with the Real World; however, while this body is a lot stronger than any normal human, it is not invincible. If anyone was able to kill him in the Real World, he would truly die. He would become a Spirit, and his fading would be inevitable, no matter how many Spirits he kills, an Aura fades no matter what for a Spirit. 

The Spirit Realm is like Earth, but there is no night or day-the sky is eternally gray, as is everything else in the world. Areas where the connection between the worlds is stronger have almost their own aura, and attract Spirits. Yes, while Spirits do not need anything really, they want life. At least, some do. Most Spirits do not see the Spirit Realm this way. They view it as whatever they imagined the afterlife would be like. But those who had no idea of an afterlife, and Ghosts, view the Spirit Realm for how it really is. These Spirits are the ones most likely to want life again, since they are constantly reminded of their death. Now, you might be wondering, "Where the heck do all the Spirits go if it's just the size of Earth?" The Spirit Realm I described to you is the outermost layer. A Ghost has the ability to open portals to the lower layers. These layers are all exactly the same as the outermost, but the connections to the Real World are far weaker the deeper the layer is, and the inevitable fading happens far quicker-even to Ghosts. There are an infinite amount of layers, but the lowest a Ghost will open a portal to is around the hundredth layer, where they send the worst of the Spirits they capture. A Ghost can enter these portals, too. However, going back through the layers is far more difficult; a Ghost can only open a portal to the layer directly above the one they are currently in. 

The Ghosts who control the Spirit World do so because they believe it is their duty to keep the realms separate. They believe that if Spirits were allowed to enter freely between the worlds, it would cause total chaos in the Real World (imagine the world being swarmed with mindless zombies), or maybe even the total destruction of both. Emperor Ghost, along with several others, do not believe this theory, and wish to strengthen the connection between the worlds, so that it would be possible that everyone could live forever. While this seems like the better deal, it really isn't. There's a reason the realms are separate-if they were connected, it would cause a merging of the two realms. The Earth would become lifeless, controlled only by those with the strongest auras. Ghosts would overuse their power by sending anyone they didn't like to a later where they would never return from. The fading would happen at an even more accelerated rate, and not even Ghosts would be safe. Living people wouldn't be safe, either.

I spent the past 45 minutes thinking about and writiting this post. Some of this is stuff I came up with just now, and most of is stuff I'd thought about and just expanded on.

 

[Yezrien]

That's a pretty bleak vision of the afterlife, but I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

I seems like you've got all the major forces in balance. The motivations and stakes make sense. It's always interesting when the villain genuinely believes he's helping people. I bet this guy has a classic philosophical villain monologue.

And you mentioned that he ruled an empire once, over 1000 years ago. Have you considered identifying him as a specific historical emperor? Because there are lots of great candidates. He could be one of the crazy ones, like Nero and Caligula. Or he could be an emperor whose rule was cut tragically short -- so in death, he's hell-bent on ruling once again. Maybe one of the ones from the Year of the Four Emperors. But that's just Rome. Qin-Xi Huangdi, the first emperor of China, was obsessed with becoming immortal. He ate mercury because he thought it would prolong his life... but that plan backfired, leaving him completely insane at the time of his death.

A lot of the Mongol Khans might be good, too, but they didn't have empires until the 13th Century. I guess it depends how committed you are to keeping his age above 1000. 

But really, the the next step is telling the story. Where does Ian fit into all this?

[StrikerEZ]

10 hours ago, Belzedar said:

That's a pretty bleak vision of the afterlife, but I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

I seems like you've got all the major forces in balance. The motivations and stakes make sense. It's always interesting when the villain genuinely believes he's helping people. I bet this guy has a classic philosophical villain monologue.

And you mentioned that he ruled an empire once, over 1000 years ago. Have you considered identifying him as a specific historical emperor? Because there are lots of great candidates. He could be one of the crazy ones, like Nero and Caligula. Or he could be an emperor whose rule was cut tragically short -- so in death, he's hell-bent on ruling once again. Maybe one of the ones from the Year of the Four Emperors. But that's just Rome. Qin-Xi Huangdi, the first emperor of China, was obsessed with becoming immortal. He ate mercury because he thought it would prolong his life... but that plan backfired, leaving him completely insane at the time of his death.

A lot of the Mongol Khans might be good, too, but they didn't have empires until the 13th Century. I guess it depends how committed you are to keeping his age above 1000. 

But really, the the next step is telling the story. Where does Ian fit into all this?

Yeah, I was thinking about maybe specifying which emperor he was...or maybe it'd be cool if I just alluded to whichever one I choose. But I was thinking along the lines of Nero. Maybe Caesar, but his death was probably too brutal for his Spirit not to get damaged. I don't know very much about the ancient Chinese emperors, save for a few. 

Ian is a poor guy who got sucked into this war that's been going on for ages. I have what I think is a really cool idea for an ending, but it's a big spoiler, if I ever finish this book. 

Besides that...I'm not quite sure how to get him there. I have. A few ideas, and the main one is that he searches for a way to bring back his sister. 

[Yezrien]

2 hours ago, StrikerEZ said:

Ian is a poor guy who got sucked into this war that's been going on for ages. I have what I think is a really cool idea for an ending, but it's a big spoiler, if I ever finish this book. 

Besides that...I'm not quite sure how to get him there. I have. A few ideas, and the main one is that he searches for a way to bring back his sister. 

Having him search for the sister is a nice motivation. It's got a very relatable emotional resonance. 

But there's a drawback, and it's something I've been complaining about in the Mistborn and Stormlight adaptation threads. If he's too caught up in his own personal drama, he seems self-involved, and frustratingly disconnected from the more important high-stakes Ghost conflict. Plus, resurrecting a dead loved one is an inherently selfish act. It begs the question, what about my loved ones? What about everyone else's who died unjustly? What makes you so special?

However... there's a tried-and-true way to spin all that into gold. (And now that I think about it, elements of this could be Mistborn's saving grace.) 

Use the sister to motivate him through the main plot. Give him a mentor character, a wise and charismatic Ghost, who makes a deal with him: Help me stop the Emperor, and I'll tell you how to bring your sister back. So he agrees, and commits to selfless heroism to serve his own selfish needs. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons (much like the reverse) is hard to fault.

Then, of course, shortly after the midpoint, when his bond with the mentor is at its strongest and friendliest, he learns the terrible truth: the dead can't be brought back. The sister is lost. You lied to me! So it all goes awry. Divided we fall. With the bonds of friendship broken, the heroes are weak. They suffer a major defeat, and it looks like the bad guy's going to win. And the liar/mentor is killed. Ian storms off, so angry that he's practically okay with all that.

But then, in the final act, he has a change of heart. He thinks back to some critical conversation or image, and realizes what's really important here. He realizes the mentor had only good intentions. He returns to the fold, and inspires his other allies to rejoin the fight, despite the hopelessness. Thinking back to his mentor's wise training, he thinks up some new strategy -- something so crazy it just might work.

Just as the Emperor's evil plan is about to come to fruition, Ian and friends attack, and their crazy plan works. They've got him on the ropes. Victory is in sight.

And then, the Emperor offers a deal. Because of all the evil, despicable things he's done, he actually can bring back the irretrievably dead. And he proves it, so there's no question that he's lying. Ian, he says, betray them! Stab your friends in the back, and save me. Join my side, and I'll bring your sister back. 

It's Ian's last temptation. And he passes the test. He shows his growth -- his newfound selflessness, and the strength to finally let go -- by sacrificing what he wants for what's right. Now his flaw, the selfishness, is the starting point of an arc, which ends in pure altruistic sacrifice. That's the stuff of heroes.

It still leaves most of the story up in the air, but it should help organize the plot a little.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Belzedar

[StrikerEZ]

1 hour ago, Belzedar said:

Having him search for the sister is a nice motivation. It's got a very relatable emotional resonance. 

But there's a drawback, and it's something I've been complaining about in the Mistborn and Stormlight adaptation threads. If he's too caught up in his own personal drama, he seems self-involved, and frustratingly disconnected from the more important high-stakes Ghost conflict. Plus, resurrecting a dead loved one is an inherently selfish act. It begs the question, what about my loved ones? What about everyone else's who died unjustly? What makes you so special?

However... there's a tried-and-true way to spin all that into gold. (And now that I think about it, elements of this could be Mistborn's saving grace.) 

Use the sister to motivate him through the main plot. Give him a mentor character, a wise and charismatic Ghost, who makes a deal with him: Help me stop the Emperor, and I'll tell you how to bring your sister back. So he agrees, and commits to selfless heroism to serve his own selfish needs. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons (much like the reverse) is hard to fault.

Then, of course, shortly after the midpoint, when his bond with the mentor is at its strongest and friendliest, he learns the terrible truth: the dead can't be brought back. The sister is lost. You lied to me! So it all goes awry. Divided we fall. With the bonds of friendship broken, the heroes are weak. They suffer a major defeat, and it looks like the bad guy's going to win. And the liar/mentor is killed. Ian storms off, so angry that he's practically okay with all that.

But then, in the final act, he has a change of heart. He thinks back to some critical conversation or image, and realizes what's really important here. He realizes the mentor had only good intentions. He returns to the fold, and inspires his other allies to rejoin the fight, despite the hopelessness. Thinking back to his mentor's wise training, he thinks up some new strategy -- something so crazy it just might work.

Just as the Emperor's evil plan is about to come to fruition, Ian and friends attack, and their crazy plan works. They've got him on the ropes. Victory is in sight.

And then, the Emperor offers a deal. Because of all the evil, despicable things he's done, he actually can bring back the irretrievably dead. And he proves it, so there's no question that he's lying. Ian, he says, betray them! Stab your friends in the back, and save me. Join my side, and I'll bring your sister back. 

It's Ian's last temptation. And he passes the test. He shows his growth -- his newfound selflessness, and the strength to finally let go -- by sacrificing what he wants for what's right. Now his flaw, the selfishness, is the starting point of an arc, which ends in pure altruistic sacrifice. That's the stuff of heroes.

It still leaves most of the story up in the air, but it should help organize the plot a little.

I really like that idea...but I had a really different idea. The mentor figure and the Emperor are one and the same. Albeit, Ian doesn't know this at first, but he eventually finds out after the Emperor fakes his own death. The entire time, the Emperor has been leading Ian on a wild goose chase. The enemies he tells Ian about are actually the good guys (which would be hinted at throughout the book(s)). When Ian realizes this, and he finds out the Emperor has tricked him, he hunts him down and eventually kills him. Ian then discovers a dark force that can restore damaged spirits to life. He tracks it down, slowly going crazier and doing evil things to reach his goal. By the end, he's become ruthless, intent only on finding the dark force. When he finally finds it and locates his sister's Spirit, the dark force fails him. All it does is summon a mindless, zombie-like version of her. He puts the abomination out of its misery. In a fit of rage, he kills one of his Ghost lackeys, and discovers the secret to the Emperor's immortality. The final book ends there, as he leaves the Real World to go to the Spirit Realm.

This isn't supposed to be a "normal boy becomes a superhero and saves the day" story. This is about the rise of a dictator of the Spirit Realm and the Real World. 

[Yezrien]

50 minutes ago, StrikerEZ said:

This isn't supposed to be a "normal boy becomes a superhero and saves the day" story. This is about the rise of a dictator of the Spirit Realm and the Real World. 

Yeah, I'm starting to see that. I guess I took it the wrong way because you mentioned Marvel movies and superhero novels in your first post. 

So what you're really going for is a grimdark tragedy. Which is a perfectly legitimate choice, of course. But it's a really, really dark combination. He learns that he's been tricked into doing evil... but instead of seeking redemption, and following the newly-discovered path of good, he just becomes even more evil.

So I'll just say... be careful with this. Dark is good, and negative emotions are the heart and soul of drama -- but there is a limit. Readers need those 'stand up and cheer' moments, especially after a stretch of angst and misery. Even dark stories have a sense of fun. Even tragedies have comic relief. 

Robert McKee (a screenwriting guru) describes plot as an undulation, like a sine wave. The emotion rises and falls over the course of a story, alternating between positive and negative, triumph and failure, happy and sad. You can end high, or you can end low. But if you don't have enough emotional back-and-forth on the way there... it can get boring.

[StrikerEZ]

38 minutes ago, Belzedar said:

Yeah, I'm starting to see that. I guess I took it the wrong way because you mentioned Marvel movies and superhero novels in your first post. 

So what you're really going for is a grimdark tragedy. Which is a perfectly legitimate choice, of course. But it's a really, really dark combination. He learns that he's been tricked into doing evil... but instead of seeking redemption, and following the newly-discovered path of good, he just becomes even more evil.

So I'll just say... be careful with this. Dark is good, and negative emotions are the heart and soul of drama -- but there is a limit. Readers need those 'stand up and cheer' moments, especially after a stretch of angst and misery. Even dark stories have a sense of fun. Even tragedies have comic relief. 

Robert McKee (a screenwriting guru) describes plot as an undulation, like a sine wave. The emotion rises and falls over the course of a story, alternating between positive and negative, triumph and failure, happy and sad. You can end high, or you can end low. But if you don't have enough emotional back-and-forth on the way there... it can get boring.

Yeah, I see what you mean. But the thing is, Ian never considered the Emperor's vision evil. He thought the way he was doing it was evil. Ian, after realizing what the Emperor was doing, figured that it was a reasonable goal to make death nonexistent. But yes, Ian is betrayed by his former mentor, and is rightfully angry that he was being used. When he finally defeats him, Ian is both heartbroken and glad. He doesn't know what to do until a strange figure tells him of the dark force, and Ian hunts it down. Ian becomes a more benovlent leader after his failed attempt of reviving his sister. He does not kill except to make sure he gets what he believes needs to be done done. A lot of this is fueled by the anger he has over his sister's death, so he (almost valiantly, if you could put a good light on it) tries to save everyone from death. He believes those who oppose him want there to be death because they benefit from it, so he kills them for the betterment of his cause. He sends them so far down in the Spirit Realm, they never return. 

This leads to another story idea I have...one set centuries after Ian's takeover.

[Yezrien]

So what's the climax of the first book?

Edited February 6, 2017 by Belzedar

[StrikerEZ]

1 hour ago, Belzedar said:

So what's the climax of the first book?

The Emperor reveals himself, second is mainly about Ian hunting him down and ends with him killing him, and the third is Ian finding how to revive his sister and then becoming immortal.

[Yezrien]

Can you give me a run-down of book one? A quick beginning-middle-end summary?

(Sorry to pelt you with questions like this. I hope this level of interest is flattering, but I realize it could be annoying, too.)