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EthanBassett-Choose (Short Fiction)- 4192- (V)


EthanBassett

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I originally submitted this a month or two ago, and I am happy to say that it is significantly better. 

What I’m looking for: 

  • The ending: The largest critique I got last time was that the ending sucked. Is it better? Does it make sense? 
  • When, if ever, does it grab the reader's attention, and does it hold? 
  • How does the tension hold? 
  • Finally, I’m having trouble coming up with a name. ‘Choose’ is the name I’ve been calling it in my head but I really don’t like it. Any suggestions would be helpful. 

I just realized that I used the wrong form of two when I the email... I'm so sorry

 

Pumpkins and Penguins,

E.C. Bassett 

 

Don’t read this until after you’ve read the piece!

The last draft I submitted ended before Charlotte made a decision. I thought it was good but everyone else wanted a better resolution. Do we still think that? Also, would it be too dark if Charlotte chose herself? I feel like that would ruin her likability. 

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Overall thoughts: Yes, this is better than last time. It's a bit clearer what's happening and when, and the ending is much more definite, and shows Charlotte wants to do the right thing.

That said: I wasn't very hooked with the story, mainly because I was looking for the SFF aspect, and most of the story is simply an account of a woman with cancer. Even for a non-fiction book, there needs to be another hook to bring the reader in, and I think that's missing here. This comes out more in relation to the ending. Why does she make this choice? The first time around, we all thought something was missing. Now that hole is filled in, which leads to further questions about Charlotte's character, which I think can make this a lot more interesting.

You mentioned the first time that there is the one-liner about most people getting a lot better when taking the pill. So this means the majority of people choose themselves over making society better. THIS is a much better hook than the rest of this story. Why? What is it about this society, or about our healthcare, or what have you that makes people choose themselves? Personally, I think many people would make the same choice Charlotte did, but I'm an optimist. At the very least, bring this point out a lot more. This is already an Idea story, but the Idea is buried in the middle.

Edit: forgot to address your last point. I think if you explore why most people made the opposite choice, it will give better character building to Charlotte.

Notes while reading:

Pg 7-8: Lots of telling here. The emotions would be stronger with onlyshowing them.
"Panic and horror once again took control"
"Charlotte realized"
"she was consumed by fear"
"In that moment, all reason left Charlotte"


Pg 9: not sure why she has this urge to go to Dr. Golan. I mean, probably a good idea, but you could at least give a reason like, Dr. Golan might know what was happening.

Lots of "began to" in your writing. Most of the times, these can be removed.

pg 11: “Hello?”
--I thought this was Charlotte speaking, but a few lines down it turns out to be the man behind the desk.

pg 11: "white cloves"

Edited by Mandamon
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15 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

You mentioned the first time that there is the one-liner about most people getting a lot better when taking the pill. So this means the majority of people choose themselves over making society better.

 

I wasn't really trying to a make a statement about society, although the thought crossed my mind. This is something that I was hoping the reader would notice, but I put it there mostly to bring down the tone. I wanted to leave the reader with something to think about. 

I found it funny how you made the comment about optimism because other people who have read it said the same thing. Personaly, I share the belief that most people would choose others over themselves, but I wanted the story to have a darker tone.     

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- I think you do a good job centering on Charlotte's situation - her family history, her fight with cancer, her outlook.

-  I remember reading this before, and I think have the same hang-up on why she tries to run to Dr. Golan instead of dialing 911. She seems almost compelled to do so, and it still doesn't make sense why she did this of all things.

- I like the ending, but I still think it needs a little more build-up. Why does she choose to accept her death over the alternative? It doesn't feel like this is particularly earned - Charlotte doesn't really grow over the story - throughout the whole story she seems resigned to her fate, so her actions don't really surprise us in the end. 

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Overall

The intro went well and there was a good pace. The end seemed rushed, and I think you could cut several pages earlier on and use them to help with the ending. Charlotte's choice at the end remains confusing for me, in terms of motivation. I don't understand why she chooses it. I think a lot of my other feelings are summed up by @Mandamon's comments, so I'll leave off. And I agree with @rdpulfer about the end needing more build up. It is far too sudden and leaves many questions about why and her motivations.

 

As I go

- some rough sentences and awkward wording in that first page

- page three: I do have a serious 'huh'? moment with her being given a drug that needs a month to work when she is already overdue to die

- end of page three: you're repeating information here, about the parents having cancer. This part is more meaningfully presented, so I suggest deleting earlier references to it and leaving this here. Deleting earlier references would also help the narrative have more punch early on

- page five: I have disbelief that the pill acted that fast. I think more tension could be built if she swallows, does something mundane like the dishes, and events start to build around her

- the pain description on page seven is... vague. I'd like more concrete descriptions

- page nine: if all reason left Charlotte, why did she still want to go to see the doctor?

- page 12: the 'get the spiel out' dialogue kills tension. There is a bit of mystery (inevitability, but some mystery) before this, and the informal dialogue sort of brings it all down

- end: she chose to end more lives by allowing a murderer to live??

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Sorry for the late feedback - playing a little catch-up here.

I don't think I read the original version of this story, so consider my impressions fresh.

Overall I enjoyed the story.  I agree with others that the initial state, a woman with cancer, needs a bit more of a hook.  Is there something unusual about her doctor, maybe? There's got to be, if the doctor is giving out these "choice" pills.  I started to get really invested when she started to feel funny after taking the pill.  I could feel her urgency as she struggled against its effects and things just got more interesting from there.

I actually like the current title.  But I'm not a very inspired person when it comes to titles, so if there's a better title out there, I'm probably not going to be the one to find it.

On January 18, 2017 at 7:22 PM, rdpulfer said:

I like the ending, but I still think it needs a little more build-up. Why does she choose to accept her death over the alternative? It doesn't feel like this is particularly earned - Charlotte doesn't really grow over the story - throughout the whole story she seems resigned to her fate, so her actions don't really surprise us in the end. 

This summarized my feelings about the end exactly.  Her choice to accept death and save people is expected, but feels too sudden and a little unearned or unexplained.

I also found a number of sentences with comma problems.  I wasn't sure if you were intentionally going for a style where the character's voice sounds more monotone or something, but the comma misuses were throwing me each time.  If you are using the commas in a weird way intentionally, please ignore lots of the comments below!

Specifics:

She knew all too well that better was only the difference between dead and dying.
Nice line.

It had been only four months since they told Charlotte she had only three months
Remove one of the "only" 's

She wasn't surprised, liver cancer ran in the family, nor was she hopeful.
Commas are not the punctuation you're looking for here.

She fought the cancer not because she thought she could win, she had three tumors in her liver.
Comma misuse

The anger was okay, useful even, the sadness was a not.
The second comma is weird.  Try a "..." or "-" or ";" or a full sentence break.

...she was still more fit than most people her age.
Not sure what her age has to do with this.

What was worse, Charlotte thought,
I think her thoughts should be in the present tense

It wasn’t that she hated these people, it was the opposite, she loved them
Comma issues

She didn’t see it as a depressing mentality, in fact, bending to it was the most freeing thing she had ever done.
First comma is misused

Charlotte stood up and began to pick up scattered paper plates, she had given up on dishes
Comma

As the pain retreated to a low dull ache so that other senses could find and audience in Charlotte's brain.
This sentence is missing a main part!

...irregular patterns broken up by the word choice.
Maybe put the word "choice" in quotes? Otherwise it sounds like you're saying "word choice."

Things get really exciting for lots of pages!

...can go on living the rest of your life in perfect bliss.
"Perfect bliss?" Meaning she's guaranteed a happy life after she goes back?

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Good day!

Whoa, I remember reading the first version, and this new beginning is more sudden. It doesn't work as well for me. Charlotte's gloomy reaction to the doctor's words was an emotion beat, but it slipped right by me when Charlotte herself wasn't established first. Like seeing a stop sign before you know you're driving.

The ending is still quite sudden. There's more closure since a choice was made, but there's an odd lack of turmoil.

Some of my stray, leftover questions linger with a bigger impression than the choice at the end. I wonder about the contents of the letter Charlotte left for her brother. All the crazed wall-writing also made me think this pill is a scheme to make sure that voluntary, justified murder is the last thing Charlotte does.

I expected some deeper consideration. Reasons be damned, she clung to life for a long while. I didn't expect her to give up without any doubts when on the border of death. She was so ready to trust the word of a stranger offering her a dubious choice.

There were two choices. One was obviously more selfless than the other, so it played like a cruel experiment. Walking straight toward the selfless choice is heroic, but this seems like a story meant more for introspection than virtue.

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Interested to see how you have changed things up, especially the ending, of course. Off we go!

  • I’m a bit confused about where we are. If the doc knocks on the door, I’m thinking it’s C.’s room, but then the doc sits in front of a computer, which makes it sound like the doc’s room.

  • “or watching the ones you love to have it”

  • “The pharmacy was only a couple of blocks…”

  • I don’t think you need to say “active military”, I think “stationed in Iraq” says it all.

  • I would drop several from ‘several emails’ because it seems to contradict ‘few’.

  • “no bother troubling him” – Do you mean not point troubling him?

  • I don’t think you need the scene break ‘++++++’, I think the narrative flows along fine, she goes from the surgery to the pharmacy.

  • “in here her early adulthood”

  • “remnants laid lay across a coffee table”

  • ‘unfruitful’ or ‘fruitless’? The first sounds awkward to me.

  • I don’t think ‘even more horrific’ needs the comma. It’s not an additional phrase, it’s an integral part of the sentence.

  • I like the man’s line about getting back to where she was before.

  • Well, you died.”

  • I very much like the man cocking his head and listening, as if to ‘the Boss’.

  • Surely, the accident has already killed Henry if it has killed Charlotte? The man says ‘will’.

  • I think the future would come over better if you put it in future tense. “Booker will have a bad day… he will come home from work…” I think it’s more powerful; has an air of prophecy about it, imho.

So, the ending. I think it’s better, but the thing is, I never feel like she is going to make any other decision than the one she does, the right and morale one. I think it’s because it seems clear from the rest of the story that she has come to terms with her illness, and her own death.

Also, there is no debate or wrestling with the decision, no time for the reader to assimilate or ponder, she just ups and walks through the door. I think it would be more interesting if she chose the other option, or perhaps to enact a double bluff to convince the reader that she’s going to take the cure, and then double back and go through the door.

Anyway, still better than before. Interested now to go and read the rest of the comments!

Thanks for sharing.

<R>

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On 17/01/2017 at 8:07 PM, EthanBassett said:

Also, would it be too dark if Charlotte chose herself? I feel like that would ruin her likability. 

I honestly didn't think of her as likeable, but neither did I dislike her. I suppose you can ascribe a lot to her reaction to the illness but, her messy apartment, her negative feelings towards others, I can understand how she would end up like that, but these are still negatives that undermine her likability (for me anyway).

I think the story would be more challenging to write, and therefore probably to read, for you to take the other path and convince us that she would choose it, and show what impact that has on her at the end.

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