Vreeah Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 It's a brand new year, full of possibilities! This is chapter 5 of Dreamt and Lost, and Lothurn's viewpoint is front and center. The main purpose is to give an idea of Lothurn's history, and well as establish what Silla wants. If that doesn't come across clearly, please let me know which places I lose you! Thanks for taking the time to read! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 I thought this POV was better than that of the siblings. Lothurn is much more adult and competent. There's a bit of repetition in the history, which I've marked below. Could easily make this a lot tighter with edits. pg 3: Good description of making the musket ball appear. Things like this would be helpful in defining how the dreaming works in the earlier chapters. Also, wouldn't he be remembering musket fire, not cannon fire (unless he wants a cannon ball to appear in his musket)? Pg 3: good exchange between Lothurn and Silla. Tricking her into revealing she can't return people makes him more competent. pg 5: "You had that watching me the whole time?" "It had the sense to forget certain rituals, if you're worried about that." --Not sure what this exchange means. pg 6-7: The background letter is a bit wordy. I don't think you need all (or any of, really) this information. We already know his wife and son were killed. You could put in a couple lines of dialogue talking about the letter and cover this information. pg 7: "The burning memory" --Is this what is causing the heat? Is the memory actually causing him to overheat? Unclear whether it's literal or figurative in the story. Maybe WRS but I don't remember him melting snow in the last chapter. Pg 8: again, too much explanation for what has already been explained. I'd rather learn something new. Pg 9: I'm guessing this ties into the sibling's narrative at this point. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 Overall I enjoyed this a lot. It was a lot more adult, and, as @Mandamon said, competent in terms of characters. Very engaging, with some danger and mystery. As I go - The wooden helmet didn't look like much. An enhanced bullet could easily pierce through the back and puncture the skull. Why an enhanced bullet? Wouldn't pretty much any bullet go through a wood helmet? - it's page three, and I'm not really certain what is going on. Maybe WRS here - page four getting a bit maid and butler - page five: 'dark room' getting some weight to it - the italics section at the end of page six is really interesting, and is much, hrm, darker than previous sections. Before I thought you were going for sort of a YA or even MG book, but this really moves it into adult - oh, nice pull to the nursery there at the end! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 - I like how the opening goes right from the excerpt in the book to their conversation. Nicely done! - I really like the interplay between Silla and Lothurn, as I have said before. I particularly like the tension in their interaction. It feels realistic without beating you over the head with it. - "The world isn't worse enough." This line seems a little too vague. I think it could be a bit more concrete. - I like the ending. Definitely want to see where this goes from here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 9, 2017 Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 I’m going to go ahead and call this Chapter 5, just to try and keep myself straight. I guess it still is, actually. Straight away, I remain engaged by Loth’s situation, his spikey relationship and dialogue with Sill and the tension / conflict of his situation. This section / POV just feels more grounded somehow, more real and less like a fairytale thn the other, which feels increasingly unreal the more I read of Loth’s POV. Wooden armour, awesome! I like Sill blocking the trigger with one of her glass things, showing she is resourceful enough to see other, nonstandard applications for what she has at hand. I like this display of competence. “before a giant eyeball appeared out of nowhere” – it’s good to have a clear connection between the two threads. “someone with enough luck or skill will steal them with enough luck or skill” – suggested for clarity and flow. I find the dates and the list of information hard to read, well it doesn’t flow, but it’s important information. The legal system here is weird. His wife’s actions lead to the deaths of a bunch of innocents, but she is merely confined to her house? “The world isn't worse bad enough” The last sentence is unclear. I enjoyed being in Loth’s POV again. I did find some of the discussion rambling and started skipping in a couple places. I’m also pleased that we are seeing a clear link with the other POV and it looks like things are coming together quickly. I still feel more for Loth than anyone else, because he is active, has known stakes. This said, as a murderer, he already seems to be marked for death before the end of the story, even if as a tragic anti-hero, sacrificing himself for the greater good at some key moment. I’m still interested and looking forward to where things go next. <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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