Reading Excuses - 14.11.16 - AH16 - The Thousand-Yard Stare - Chapter 5 [L,V]

[AuthorityHellas16]

Hi all, 

Here’s the newest chapter of the Thousand-Yard Stare. In it, we see Atena face the meddling of outside politicians for the first time (to the reader, at least), see her take a class of prospective soldiers at the Monastery, and come face-to-face with an old enemy. 

Aims in this chapter:

• New Characters: lots and lots introduced here. The other alta who make up the Council, as well as one young soldier who comes into play later in the story
• Existing Character Details: further explanation of Atena’s frustration with the Council, as well as some of her military philosophies. There is also a hint of feelings that Marcus may have for Atena. Is it requited? You’ll just have to wait and see...
• Set up: for an explosive next chapter.

As usual, if you could pay special attention to the characters and pacing of this chapter, two weak points from my previous submission. Any and all other thoughts are welcome as always. 

Cheers,

AH16

Previously…

Atena fled the battle against the nightspawn, fleeing to the forests of the Mor’kai Siwatu. Despite her rather lame attempts to avoid her old friend and mentor, she was discovered and roped into a conversation about her cracking psyche, as well as her desire for the peace of death. 

Staying with Siwatu to recover from the mental stressors of the battle, Atena trained for a few weeks. In particular, she tried to master the Forbidden Sphere, the most powerful Forging techniques in existence, all of which were created and used by the Creator God Mor. Her attempts to master these almighty techniques fail, unfortunately, and despite her further attempts to clear her mind, she continues to find herself drawn back into the war that had dominated her life. She decides to return to her post as Field Marshal.

[rdpulfer]

- It's nice to see Atena immediately facing consequences the moment she returns.

- Tiberius is still coming off as a two-dimensional jerk. I'm not sure this is really relevant, but it just feels like it's clear he's the bad guy, or at least one of the main antagonists, and very little is done to make him anything else.

- So she comes back from the forest and immediately flees to a monastery? This doesn't make Atena seem very capable when it comes to handling stress.

- Her teaching also seemed out of place with the rest of the chapter. I can't remember if we've been introduced to Cronus before or not. If we have, it's just weekly reader syndrome on my part :), but if not, this might be a cliffhanger that needs to be revised if you are depending on the reader flipping the page to find out who Cronus is. 

[kais]

Overall

As always, improving with each submission! Atena as a character is still a little choppy, and I think sometimes you skip emotional growth stuff and introspection to do more physical stuff like fighting. A good balance will help the book flow better. Specific comments below. Also, I'm with Atena if she wants to skewer the temple people. That comment was just... yeah... *rage*

 

As I go

- they have all these wars, and yet there are glass doors? That just seems impractical

- She placed Eleanor’s tenderly over her sleeping form. <-- noun missing

- how old is Eleanor? She's talking about her like she is a little kid but I thought Eleanor was older??

- I expected more of a reaction to the message she got on page one than just tossing it aside. It seems very in your face, and she's just been through another battle. Wouldn't she... I don't know, get mad at it and exposit on why can't people just leave me alone???

- page two and she'e entering the temple. I definitely want more emotional set-up before this

- In an instant, her trepidation and nervousness had gone, replaced by festering belligerence and frustration. <--- telling. I want to see this, and earlier

- end of page two: we don't really need a recap of what we already know. Would be more interesting to see her try to twist events, or try to turn it back on the council, or something like that. Build character here

- page three: per above, I see you do do this just a few paragraphs later. Excellent

- ‘Explain,’ Tiberius growled. ‘And tread carefully.’ <--- huh? this seems unlikely based upon how you have described Tiberius. Also, I agree with @rdpulfer that this person is two-dimensional

- ‘We all know the real reason why Atena has your support, Marcus <--- uh, those are fighting words, and Atena is a fighter. No way she'd take that and ignore it.

- top of page five: what was the point of the council meeting? You built tension a little and then it had no real conclusion. I'd expect Atena to get into more trouble, if nothing else, especially if some idiot is going to accuse her of sleeping around to get power. Like, I'm all enraged on the other end of my screen right now. Atena needs to skewer herself some *insert curse words the site won't allow*!!

- page five: color me confused. Why is she going to a monastery? Suddenly very introspective for no clear reason. Now, if she's all mad about the meeting and has some introspection about needing to calm down like the nice dragon told her to, that would make sense, but I don't see any hint of that here.

- page six to the first half of seven does not appear to serve a purpose and is hard not to skim

- the end is interesting

[Mandamon]

This was easy to read, as usual, however, I didn't feel a lot of tension or momentum in this submission. There were  a lot of names, and none of the one-off councilors really added anything. In addition, the training session at the end didn't really go anywhere. What is Atena's point here? What are her plans? Why is she doing all this? You did show her anger at the council, but unless something comes of it, it doesn't progress the story.

pg 1: gingerly Pushed energy through her skin, levitating the dark grey plates off her body and onto the mannequin. "
--this seems like a waste of magic. If she can do this, magic users can act as elevators for the city.

pg 2: "Everyone in the room could sense her displeasure "
--POV slip.  Should be something like, "she hoped everyone in the room could..."

pg 2: "‘Trying to absolve herself of blame, more like,’ Silvanus spat."
--Didn't know Silvanus was in the room.

pg 3: "‘I can,’ Marcus confirmed
--oh, Marcus is here too.  Anyone else?

pg 3: "For a few seconds, a heavy silence fell over the Council"
--how many people are here?

pg 3: "they’re stories told by children around dumpster fires"
--do children regularly gather around dumpster fires? How often do these happen (every 4 years, maybe...?)

pg 4: lots of names and they all seem ineffective. Don't know why they even need to be introduced individually, if they aren't going to add anything.

pg 5: ". A shout went up and the thick wood opened up slowly to allow her entrance, protesting against the uneven volcano floor. "
--this is what I mean about magic. If it's so prevalent, this should be automated.

pg 5: ‘I’d like to take a lesson,'
--take, or give?

Pg 6: I'm not quite sure why Atena is drilling students. Is she hoping to make some difference?  If so, one class is not going to do anything. And then she finishes the class and sends everyone home. Not sure what the point was.

[Hobbit]

This was a nice read.  I liked the training bit with Aetna in the sense that we get to see a different, softer, more caring side of her.  I thought the scene with the Council was okay, but there were a few things that bothered me about it.  I did like the arguments Aetna made before the council.  I seem to be getting a better idea of her character with each chapter, and I like that we keep seeing her in different situations.  She seems more consistent than she did before. I do think the lack of forward plot motion made the chapter less engaging.

Specifics:

• The description of Eleanor at the beginning here makes her seem really young.  Trying to justify this description and the previous information we have about her me think she's maybe fifteen, fourteen.  But then I remembered - isn't Aetna hundreds of years old?  So is her sister also that old?
• The description of the Chamber on page 2 at first makes me think of some kind of board room - plain and rather small.  But then we see nine marble thrones on a raised dais and I got a little thrown off.
• I was surprised when Marcus suddenly appeared on page 3, since I expected her to greet him or at least notice him when she first entered the room, since they're good friends.
• The way that Silvanus and Ceres talk in this scene makes them sound kind of teenager-y.  They're stirring up drama in rather overt ways (especially Silvanus).  What's even more disconcerting to me is that Tiberius, who seems to have the most authority here, lets Silvanus get away with cutting people off, insulting them blatantly, and all sorts of unprofessional behavior.  It gives me the impression that Silvanus and Tiberius must be evil buddies or something, and for everyone to be so easily cowed by Silvanus probably that he has a ton of power over them in other ways.  Everyone's behavior was just a lot worse than I expected.  (If this is what you were going for, then of course this isn't a bad thing at all.)
• I like that Aetna is invested in the students at the academy, though her transition to this does seem kind of sudden.  But I used to be a teacher and still am at heart, so I love teaching.  I think with some more setup beforehand, and more direction in the scene itself, this scene could be a poignant contrast to her struggles and hopelessness surrounding everything else.  Though it's only going to be a break from struggle and hopelessness if all her students want to learn.  Notice I said that I used to be a teacher.  Anyway, this isn't about why I quit teaching... moving on.
• I remember enough about Cronus (not sure which draft it was from, but...) that I'm excited to read the next chapter.  I think him being back means something pretty bad.  

[AuthorityHellas16]

Thanks for the feedback as always, guys. 

On reflection, I agree with everything you guys have said. I think there can be a lot more tension built up with Atena's confrontation with the council, and there can be a better segue into her teaching. The teaching segment was meant to give the reader another aspect of her character, but it was taken from a previous draft, so there was a bit of welding going here. 

A couple of explanations: 

- Tiberius and Silvanus are meant to represent the worst of humanity. They aren't bad guys per se, but they are certainly bad people. Tiberius is egotistical and shallow, while Silvanus is a cowardly scumbag. I'm sure I can bring this distinction (compared to the sociopathic evil of Cronus) out better

- The Monastery is the name of the Ordo's base. I should explain that more as well. 

I'll be taking a break from submitting for a little bit to work on Atena's character, as I feel there could be a little more depth and I could do with a better understanding of her myself. I hope to blow you away when I get back

Cheers!