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10/10/16_Hobbit_Tea in a Water Bottle


Hobbit

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Hello everyone!

Thanks in advance for reading this piece.  I'm taking a break from working on my other story, as I've realized I need more skills than I currently have to fix it.  This is a short story (a standalone piece), and it's pretty different than anything I've written before.  I look forward to hearing your critiques and suggestions.
 
Length: 3,296 words
 
Thanks again!
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Hey there Hobbit,

This had a really different feel, being a different genre and a different voice from other submission. I liked the quick tempo and the very modern style. It matched subject matter well. There were a few places where a turn of dialogue was a little much--where it grew a little tired for me, but overall I enjoyed reading it. I didn't feel like it was 3k long, which is a good thing. I think digging into the characters a little deeper, developing them a little clearer so that there's more of a suggestion of who they are beyond the principal matter of to or not to love would make those conversation points resolve themselves and the overall thing would tighten up a bit and add more poignancy. I see what you're hinting at behind the scenes, though I do rather like that MC is completely oblivious. I don't get the tea at the end, though. I know Dragon was drinking it and all, but there wasn't enough evidence to push me to draw any kind of interesting conclusion. If there's something there for me to synthesize, I missed it. Overall, I liked it and thanks for sharing!

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4 hours ago, Ernei said:

In line, dripping, my phone rings. - isn't it what you call comma splice? I'm not sure, I've only recently stumbled across the term.

I would call this an adverbial participle phrase and it's working parenthetically--meaning you can take it out and the sentence still stands. Therefore, those commas aren't splicing. Splicing is when you take two independent clauses and try to glue them together with a weak little comma. :)  Putting "in line" at the front of sentence without "dripping" makes it: In line my phone rings. Putting the phrase "in line" at the beginning is an odd construction, but it's purposeful--meant to contribute to the tight, quick narrative voice she's using. :) (I assume!)

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Hey Hobbit, I thought this was a well done piece. I liked the voice quite a bit. You picked plenty of good words to fit the style and atmosphere of the story. Nice work. Here are a few things that came up as I read:

- The line on the first page that starts with "The brain doesn't store..." seemed out of place--sounded infomercially.

- I had a hard time imagining a person with a voice that always sounds out of breath. It's an interesting description, but I just can't really place it.

- Dragon is so apathetic about the conversation that I began to disbelieve that Clara would actually stick with it that long. Staying in that one-sided conversation while he is deliberately putting her off at times is a desperate move on her part, but her personality and voice didn't strike me as desperate. These two things didn't match, and I would need a little more to believe that she wouldn't just walk out on him halfway through the story.

- Toward the end, I thought her reaction to his display of omniscience ("Your mom doesn't like him - she keeps calling you...") wasn't strong enough. She gapes at him momentarily and seems to quickly move on.

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Thanks for the feedback so far everyone!

19 hours ago, Ernei said:

I see some strong character voice here. Good work :)

Thanks!

19 hours ago, Ernei said:

In my experience most teachers actually have children O.o But since it's me... culture difference, I guess? Plus, I can speak only about one high school ;)

I've met teachers on both sides of this equation.  Dragon's exaggerating in his comment here, but I'll soften it to make that clearer.

19 hours ago, Ernei said:

I'm confused about MC's motivation to talk to Dragon. I thought she wanted a place to stay

Hopefully this cleared itself up later, but I could stand to make it clearer at the beginning.  She's just feeling lonely and she's mad at her partner.  And yes, she's very outgoing. :) So she wants to make herself feel better by making a new male friend (while keeping in mind the possibility that she could date him if things don't work out with her partner, or even that it would be easier to leave her partner if she had someone else to go to).

19 hours ago, Ernei said:

I'm not a yoga person

I'm actually not, either (so if someone here knows more about yoga, please tell me everything I did wrong!) but Clara is supposed to be a kind of Western consumer of yoga, so she's not getting everything "right" either.

15 hours ago, krystalynn03 said:

I think digging into the characters a little deeper, developing them a little clearer so that there's more of a suggestion of who they are beyond the principal matter of to or not to love would make those conversation points resolve themselves and the overall thing would tighten up a bit and add more poignancy.

Sounds good.  Thanks.

15 hours ago, krystalynn03 said:

I don't get the tea at the end, though. I know Dragon was drinking it and all, but there wasn't enough evidence to push me to draw any kind of interesting conclusion. If there's something there for me to synthesize, I missed it.

@Ernei commented on this, too.  I'll adjust this - I'm not trying to symbolize anything, other than that Dragon has magical abilities.  I think I overplayed the line and underplayed the setup/motivation?

15 hours ago, krystalynn03 said:

Overall, I liked it and thanks for sharing!

Thanks for reading and commenting! :)

13 hours ago, Coop said:

Hey Hobbit, I thought this was a well done piece. I liked the voice quite a bit. You picked plenty of good words to fit the style and atmosphere of the story. Nice work.

Thanks, Coop!

13 hours ago, Coop said:

Dragon is so apathetic about the conversation that I began to disbelieve that Clara would actually stick with it that long. Staying in that one-sided conversation while he is deliberately putting her off at times is a desperate move on her part, but her personality and voice didn't strike me as desperate.

Hmmm, good point.  I wasn't sure how Dragon was going to come off.  I don't want to soften him, since I think a lot of the tension and movement comes from the argument's low boil, but we'll see if I can make him seem more invested without being softer.

13 hours ago, Coop said:

I thought her reaction to his display of omniscience ("Your mom doesn't like him - she keeps calling you...") wasn't strong enough.

Sounds good.

Thanks again everyone!

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I'm a little pressed for time at the moment, but I'll try to get in my quick two cents. Some of the things I agree with are that the dialogue did feel a little forced sometimes, but I had the most trouble with Clara's understated reaction to him literally listing out her problems. I feel like that should be emphasized a little more.

Also, I find it strange that Clara didn't connect the dots regarding Dragon. Most of the information we have--that leads us to the conclusion that he is some sort of magical immortal being--is solely from the things he said. Therefore, she has practically the exact same information we have, and jumps to much more far-fetched conclusions. It makes her seem a little slow if she doesn't at least entertain the possibility and dismiss it as fancy...

Lastly, is it weird that I though the story was about a homosexual male for the first half? Not sure if you ever specified her gender in the beginning, she kept referring to the guy at home as a 'partner,' and Dragon is a guy... That might just be my overtired mind, however -_-

Overall, great story and a great read. Very different from your usual, but breaking our norms and pushing our boundaries is something we should all do if we hope to improve. I especially liked the pacing of it, as I flew through it in my limited amount of time, and didn't even feel the pages rolling by. Thanks!

Edited by Tariniel
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Ooh, something new. Fun!

Overall

I loved the pacing and the flow of the dialogue. I had some issues with Clara and her lack of boundaries and reading people, but that's detailed below. I see others have commented on it as well. The ending was a little confusing. Dragon is magic, I assume? Maybe some bringer of death or something? Overall, I found this to be an enjoyable read.

As I go

- MC likes food. I like food. Immediately I am drawn to MC.

More glucose in my blood before making that decision. Science aside - check your sugars. Are you referring to the digestion of what s/he is about to eat, or the sugar of what s/he is about to consume? Solid on the digestion, but if it's the consuming thing, then you're likely looking at high fructose corn syrup, maybe some sucrose if you're lucky, fructose if it's fruit and most vegetables. #knowstoomuchaboutsugar

- The brain doesn’t store much glucose, so when it runs out, it just tells your body you’re hungry even if you still have plenty of glycogen in your liver.  Random. Takes me out of the narrative

- page three: if a guy told me his name was 'dragon', I'd be immediately concerned about potential hipster if he was in a coffee shop. If I met him a pot store, I'd just assume he had hippy parents

- page four: wow, she's really not reading this guy's body language and tone, is she? Dragon dude wants to be alone, Clara. Move along. This isn't the coffee shop hipster you're looking for

Maybe if I go to my partner’s place, his cat will sleep on my head. A truer statement has never been said

- I wonder if he’s just broken up with someone.  Maybe he needs some encouragement.  Maybe he needs to not be pestered by his yoga classmate. I've dated girls like this. :|

I was expecting him to be a lot nicer than this. Why? He's given you nothing but clues that he doesn't want to talk. Why would he be nice? YOU'RE NOT TAKING THE HINTS. TAKE THE HINTS!

- page 11: I think the word you want is the male version of cougar, not 'grave robber'. 

I hope you find some freedom from your cage of joy Nice. I like that

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16 hours ago, Tariniel said:

I had the most trouble with Clara's understated reaction to him literally listing out her problems. I feel like that should be emphasized a little more.

Definitely.  I'll fix this.

16 hours ago, Tariniel said:

Also, I find it strange that Clara didn't connect the dots regarding Dragon. Most of the information we have--that leads us to the conclusion that he is some sort of magical immortal being--is solely from the things he said. Therefore, she has practically the exact same information we have, and jumps to much more far-fetched conclusions. It makes her seem a little slow if she doesn't at least entertain the possibility and dismiss it as fancy...

I don't actually want her to connect the dots - I think that's part of the fun of the story.  But I'll try to make it more believable that she doesn't make the connection.

16 hours ago, Tariniel said:

Lastly, is it weird that I though the story was about a homosexual male for the first half?

Not at all!  It's a good point.  I'll throw in a gender hint earlier.

16 hours ago, Tariniel said:

Overall, great story and a great read. Very different from your usual, but breaking our norms and pushing our boundaries is something we should all do if we hope to improve. I especially liked the pacing of it, as I flew through it in my limited amount of time, and didn't even feel the pages rolling by. Thanks!

Thank you!!  I'm glad people are moving through it quickly.  It was very fun to try something different.

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

Are you referring to the digestion of what s/he is about to eat, or the sugar of what s/he is about to consume?

Definitely the post-digested product that's actually floating around in the blood.  But I'll adjust or cut her next comment.

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

I'd be immediately concerned about potential hipster if he was in a coffee shop.

Why would you be concerned? :D:D Not a fan of hipsters?  

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

If I met him a pot store, I'd just assume he had hippy parents

It's a good assumption for most people who grew up in Ithaca, NY really.  I lived there for five years. :) 

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

Maybe if I go to my partner’s place, his cat will sleep on my head. A truer statement has never been said

- I wonder if he’s just broken up with someone.  Maybe he needs some encouragement.  Maybe he needs to not be pestered by his yoga classmate. I've dated girls like this. :|

Hahaha, glad you can relate?  Or sorry you can relate?

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

I think the word you want is the male version of cougar, not 'grave robber'. 

Good idea.

I'll work on making her less oblivious to his hints, as well - or have him be giving her more conflicting messages.  Or both.  Something needs adjusting here, for sure.

Thanks @Tariniel and @kaisa!  I'm proud that I submitted something new that included zero fridging, either in yellow or red card form.  Third time's the charm, I suppose!

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9 minutes ago, Hobbit said:

 I'm proud that I submitted something new that included zero fridging, either in yellow or red card form.

Next challenge - a male POV piece without fridging! Max difficulty level!

Also, major kudos for trying something new. It takes a brave writer to put a piece that is being difficult aside and do something else for a while.

 

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2 minutes ago, kaisa said:

Also, major kudos for trying something new. It takes a brave writer to put a piece that is being difficult aside and do something else for a while.

Haha, thanks!  But it actually seems like the easier decision.  The brave part will be going back and finishing/fixing it! :blink: It will probably involve killing a lot of darlings.

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20 hours ago, Tariniel said:

Lastly, is it weird that I though the story was about a homosexual male for the first half?

Yep--I totally thought this as well.  Was kind of surprised when Dragon identified her as female.

I enjoyed this a lot.  It was well written, though I wanted to shake Clara violently for most of the story.  I'm don't completely get the theme--"we can't all be happy?" Or "be true to yourself?" It was a bit of a strawman argument on Clara's side, just because she didn't seem competent enough to put up a good argument.  I actually found Dragon to be much more of a sympathetic character than Clara.

Seems like the others picked up on this as well.  Both this and the Jasmine Tea at the end have good beginning of an overall theme, but they're not quite gelled yet.  I'll also agree with kaisa that Clara has some serious problems with personal space.  I was almost expecting Dragon to turn her into a frog or something--must be all those centuries of yoga that keeps him calm.

Keep working on it!  I think this could be a really good piece.

 

Notes while reading:
pg 7: cool so far, but I want to slap the MC and get her to hush for a few minutes.   She's very optimistic.

pg 8: "Let’s have coffee here.  After every yoga class.  Then you’ll have someone to talk to."
--at this point I would run screaming.  Dragon has a lot of discipline.

pg 10: "Maybe I should reach out and touch his arm."
--he very obviously does not want this.

pg 10: “Have you checked your house for mold?”
--ok, she can't be this stupid.

pg 12: "“You expect everything to be amazing,” he says."
--yep.

pg 15: I get that Dragon was drinking Jasmine tea, but why would he do this for Clara? 

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Hey Hobbit, interested to read something different from you...

...and there we go. Apart from the few comments below, I thought that flowed very well, and it held my interest to the end, just. I thought the pacing was okay, although I would say that after two pages I was getting bored and not sure why I was reading. Things seemed to pick up around there and accelerated to the end as the pair got into their existential debate. I think maybe the issue was that Clara on her own was a bit whiny, and it was only with the foil of Dragon that she was brought a bit more out of herself to react to him.

I presume that there is a myth or religious context to Dragon, but I don’t know my stuff well enough to know what that is. Clearly, I think the informed reader will get more out of references to 10 wives and such, but I was still able to enjoy the story. An edit would sharpen it up, I'm sure, but it was a good read, in my view. Thanks for submitting!

<R>

--------------------------------------------------------------

  • That first sentence is a doozie. It’s really long and a bit confusing. Not snappy enough for e first line, imho.
  • just taking some time to mediate” – meditate?
  • people who are lonely, and people who are pretending not to be” – these groups are not mutually exclusive. Someone could be in both groups. If you said something like, ‘people who don’t know they're lonely and people who are pretending not to be’, it would work, I believe. Although actually, I think you could pick holes in that pairing too.
  • Maybe if I go to my partner’s place, his cat will sleep on my head” – lmao
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Err, no, I never for a moment considered the m/c as anything other than a women, but I had the advantage of my formative 70s neanderthal gender values which have imprinted on me the stereotype that only women do yoga. Clearly not true! (I've done some yoga myself), but helpful in this instance, even if buried deep (so deep) in my subconscious :P

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Thanks @Mandamon and @Robinski!  Sorry for the delayed response - I've been traveling (and have now gotten behind on looking at everyone else's submissions).  

@Mandamon:

Clara's character needs work, for sure.  I had to laugh at how annoyed you got with her.  "I would run screaming..." I don't blame you!  And I do need to make the entire thing more thematically cohesive. 

@Robinski:

I actually was not trying to fit Dragon into a specific mythological context, though it may indeed be more interesting if I did!  And thanks for catching the "mediate" typo - I could have read this a thousand times and not seen it.  You may have noticed that I'm not very good at starting pieces - it's always a jumble until I get into the flow of things.

Thanks again to everyone for your comments.  As always, they were revealing and helpful, and everyone's comments together has helped focus my editing direction.

P.S. @Mandamon, at the time of me writing this post, you have posted exactly 1111 times!  Very exciting.

 

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Let me start by saying that this is the third time I’ve written this.  I’ve experienced two file crashes, and so this third time may be briefer.  I’m sorry for that.

 

This is good, but there are some issues for me.   Your MC is annoying and overeager, and says some strange things.  The interaction with the old guy doesn’t come across as believable at points.  I can’t tell if your character is supposed to be annoying or if it just came out that way.  If she is annoying, you have some work to do to make the reader care about her.

 

You create your scenes well, and your pacing felt right.  It was quick and easy to read.  I’m curious who Dragon is.  I imagined him to be some sort of Merlin figure.  I’m curious about Jasmine tea.  Why Jasmine?

 

But I see the coffee shop on my way to my car, and it just sounds too good. 

Connect it to taste instead of sound.

I’d left my umbrella at my partner’s place.  It’s my own fault.  I knew I didn’t have it as soon as I walked out the door this morning - I had to run to my car in the pouring rain. 

If she had to run in the rain, she would have remembered her umbrella quick.

In line, dripping, my phone rings. 

This sentence can have a double meaning.

 I always thought he looked really nice.

He looks especially nice today, after the fight with my partner this morning and an undecided evening ahead of me.

Now that I’m close to him I can see that he’s going white at the temples. 

You would notice the beard sooner than this.

“No, it’s wonderful,” I say.  How sad, that this man should have such a great name and not even like it.  “It represents strength and power and nobility.  What parent wouldn’t want that for their child?  What’s not to like?

“That’s so great.  Where do you live?”

Overeager.

My partner’s place is a thirty minute drive to town.”

My partner’s in town, a thirty-minute drive from here.

!  But I’m sure they’re nice, and worth it to be so close to downtown.  I’d love to be able to walk everywhere.  My partner’s place is a thirty minute drive to town.” “Oh?” he says, raising his eyebrows a little.

“Yes, I rent a room in town, here, but he likes it when I stay over with him.”  I chuckle

Repetition.

“Oh?” he says, raising his eyebrows a little.

“Yes, I rent a room in town, here, but he likes it when I stay over with him.”  I chuckle.  “I moved to this town to be closer to him,

 

 

 

 

 

But I’m sorry, I’m talking too much.  Do you like living close to downtown?” 

Hanging a lantern on it?  She’s socially awkward.

“What?” I say.  “People aren’t always lonely.” 

Not everyone is lonely.

“Well, when I have kids,” I say, “I’d like them to have unique names.  I want them to grow up knowing they’re special.  Having the courage to be whoever they are.”

“Do you have kids?” I ask, wondering what he possibly knows about it.

Most teachers I’ve met don’t.”

Most teachers do have kids.

“Maybe you should try spending some time with kids,” I say, getting a little frustrated. 

“But the world is such a wonderful place!” I say. 

Your character is becoming annoying.   Be careful with this.

They’re amber, warm like a candle flame. 

Odd simile.

He looks down into his tea and breathes in the steam.  Evaporation.  Water is one of the byproducts of photosynthesis.  I shake myself a little.

This pulled me out of the story here.

“You must have warm hands,” I say, hoping he’ll say something soon.  He probably hates me.  “My hands would have frozen that tea by now.”

This person thinks like a teenager.  A little young for her age.

He shakes his head.  “I can’t get involved with women.”

“Why not?”  He’s holding himself back, I think.  He could be great with women.

Never assumes he’s gay?

“Well, it’s not your fault.”  But wait - what if it is his fault?  Could he be a serial killer?  I shake my head.  I’m being ridiculous - he’s just exaggerating.  He must be.  And serial killers don’t do yoga.  I don’t say any of this.  “It’s not your fault.  You’ve just had awfully bad luck.”

Serial Killer Vibe should come sooner I think.  As soon as he says: ‘Ten’.

He’s a grave robber, I think.  Then I think, grave robbers don’t do yoga, either. 

I still think he could be great with women. 

Strange thought.

You’ve been hurt, and that’s horrible.  But you’re the one who decides how you see the world.”

She is too close to this person for just having met.

I can’t believe I’m saying this to him.  “What did the yogis in India say about all your negative energy?”

I’m not believing this conversation here.

I realize I’ve forgotten all about my mocha chocolate chunk cookie. 

“Well, I hope…” I stand up.  I don’t know what I hope for this man. 

“And as for you,” he says, also standing, “I hope you find some freedom from your cage of joy.”

Too much.

Maybe I don’t want freedom from joy, I think.  Then I shake myself.

shutter?

I look for him, but he’s gone.  No chance to show him one more beautiful thing in the world, I think as I stare at the sunset.  But it’s an evening that seems to want to keep to itself.

 

 

 

 

 

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