Reading Excuses - 27.09.16 - AuthorityHellas16 - The Thousand Yard Stare - Chapter 3 [V, L]

[AuthorityHellas16]

Hello all,

 

Thanks for reading, as always. Chapter 3 follows on immediately after the end of chapter 2: Atena has won the battle against the nightspawn (with a little help from her old ally Vulcan), but all that is on her mind are the deaths of the two chroniclers, which she feels responsible for. She asks Marcus for a period of leave, and travels to her other sanctuary, Niumbaani’s great forest. Here, she meets her mentor, the god Scrios.

 

There are two main aims I had when constructing this chapter. The first was to introduce Scrios, a major character in Atena’s backstory, playing the part of her mentor, and to examine Atena’s PTSD in a little more depth. The conversation between the two aims to shed some more light on why she continues to fight despite barely making it through each day. 

 

Accordingly, I’d like to know if I’ve achieved these “chapter goals” with this rendition, and how they could be achieved better. I’d also like to know if the plot is a little slow to advance, as I’m worried I may be focussing too much on the characters and world building. 

As always, grammatical, plot-related, wordsmithing and any other comments (both positive and constructive) are always welcome!

 

AH16

[kais]

I'm always delighted to see how this narrative is shaping up. On to it!

Overall

I enjoyed all of it except the flashback. Details below. This lighter interlude is welcome after the dark battle before. 

Your questions

Scrios - was introduced, but per below I think the fantasy elements (hard fantasy dragon stuff) should at least be mentioned earlier. I found it jarring. 

World Building - no, I don't think its too slow, but the flashback sagged. I would have liked better dialogue with Scrios that really opened up Atena's mental state to the reader. I think an opportunity was lost there.

PTSD - the flashback is more imagery, and I wanted emotions. I want Atena's thoughts, her mental state, her struggle. Her memories at this point are just more story when what i want is her .

As I go

- page one. Dangling name there in your first paragraph

- page three: the dragon feels...sudden. Like mysticism was just launched into what has otherwise been a war story. You might want to seed some of this magic / fantasy element earlier on so it isn't so jarring

- page three: since readers were present for Atena's meltdown, we don't need it recapped. Instead, consider having her discuss more of her mental state and reasonings, not just her actions

- page four: why is Atena talking to her dragon friend, seemingly looking for help, if she's not ready for help (per the end of their dialogue)? I think I see what you're going for, but it needs to be emotionally brought a bit better

- page five: name overload

- the flashback runs heavy with imagery. It was very hard to keep from skimming. In contrast, before that I was genuinely enjoying the narrative.

[Hobbit]

On 9/26/2016 at 11:29 PM, kaisa said:

the flashback is more imagery, and I wanted emotions. I want Atena's thoughts, her mental state, her struggle. Her memories at this point are just more story when what i want is her.

I felt the same way about the imagery.  But I was interested in the part of the flashback where Aetna is helping Scrios - this gives me an insight into their past relationship, which is cool.

I don't think you're focusing too much on the characters.  At this point in the story I want to understand Aetna better, and that's exactly what this chapter aims to do.  This version of your chapter doesn't yet get me to the understanding that I crave, though.  I'm not sure exactly why, but here's some ideas and/or impressions.  I don't feel like I've learned anything very new about Aetna from the conversation.  We learn that she's too scared to face her demons, that she thinks she'll be useless with fear as soon as she starts facing them, and that she's talked to lots of people about her condition.  I'm left feeling like I learned more facts but I didn't get any more insight.  I also expect Scrios and Aetna to have a deeper relationship than I'm feeling here.  Part of the fun of these kinds of exchanges is getting to see how well the two characters know each other.  It sounds like from Scrios's frustration that they've had this kind of conversation many times.  How do you show this in writing?  I'm not sure!  I don't know that I do it all that well myself.  Maybe other people can weigh in here.  Finally, at times Aetna's brusqueness comes off as immaturity, especially the "So I had to do some stuff..." line.  She kind of reminds me of Korra from the Avatar 2 series.

I think the chapter is on the right track, it just needs some polishing and character work.  It's a nice change of pace and scene from the battlefield.

[Coop]

I remember reading your intro to dryads and to Scrios a few months ago, and I liked this version better. The setting was more immersive this time. I like the dryads, but I thought the tone of that scene did not match the rest of the story--like inserting the trolls from Frozen into a Lord of the Rings movie. I didn't have a problem with the introduction of a dragon at this point in the story. I didn't really get a sense of how big he was though. I've seen large redwoods before, and a dragon coming out of one wouldn't be that big. Sequoias are typically fatter than redwoods, and might hold a larger dragon but I'm going to stop right here because my limited forestry knowledge has already been exposed by our more knowledgeable Forest Nerd in residence ( @kaisa ).  

Finally, I generally enjoy your prose, though your dialogue often sounds canned. I don't see others mentioning this so maybe it's just me...

[rdpulfer]

- One of the Dryads is named Toto? That seems a bit much.

- I like her interaction with Scrios - how she tries to pull a fast one over him, and how he calls her on it.

- I like the flashback, but it seemed a little out of place since we know Scrios is alive and they are friends, so it didn't really tell us anything we really needed to know as far as I could tell.

- Still, I really like this world and I'm eager to see more. 

[kais]

22 hours ago, Coop said:

my limited forestry knowledge has already been exposed by our more knowledgeable Forest Nerd in residence

Amusingly, I found nothing to quibble about with the forest scenes. I was reading carefully there, too, waiting for some mention of undergrowth, and none popped up. I'm happy!

[AuthorityHellas16]

Thanks as always for the feedback, everyone. Really appreciate it. I agree with almost all of what you've said, and will work towards tweaking this chapter accordingly. Don't think I need to burden you all with a resubmit, though (which I'm sure many are happy about  )