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Memefying "What Happened in Portland"

Sunbird

By Sunbird
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Sunbird

Sunbird

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Thank you, @winter devotion, for giving me the kick in the pants I needed to start meme-ing here again. :D

From this post by TwilyghtSansSparkles on page 6:

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5972c04416f85_BirdiesFuntimesvsNathan.thumb.jpg.011b427ceb413eef4437ac4c4c3c846a.jpg

Lightwards tries to start a conversation with FunTimes:

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5972c044ae80d_FuntimesRadioSteak.jpg.6e682e4d34641e9ac741e568dbd07408.jpg

Signs of madness in this post by Kobold at the top of page 7:

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5972c0461d50c_LightwardsUniformRage.jpg.ab0e53f4580d4f551c612457ba22bb04.jpg

FunTimes's strangely benevolent plans for Portland:

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5972c0458f6a6_FuntimesRemakingPortland.thumb.jpg.4d550027e4127ee6bc88bebbc8a8f613.jpg

 

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the winter system

the winter system

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So, I’m a sucker for misattributed quotes so here’s a few Edmonton ones.

Spoiler

Taya, upon realizing she’s now sharing her body with one of the most deadly and terrifying Epics of all time: You know those days when you’re like, this might as well happen? Adult life is already so weird.

 

Kokichi: I’ll keep all my feelings right here and then one day, I’ll die.

 

Red: There is a good chance I might’ve committed some light treason.

 

Liam: I believe you said your childhood experience was “satisfactory?” 

Kokichi: No, I said it was a “sadness factory.” 

 

Revolution: Going to Plan B?

Nathan: Technically, this would be Plan G.

Sam: How many plans do we even have? Is there a Plan M?

Revolution: Yeah, but Red dies in Plan M.

Ray: I like Plan M.

 

Liam: And now for a gay update with Kokichi. 
Kokichi: Getting gayer
Liam: Thank you, Kokichi.
 
Kokichi: Uggh. I’m too full to take another bite. Too stuffed to take another bite. Too near exploding to take another bite.

Liam: Then I guess you’re too full for dessert.

Kokichi: No, no—desserts I swallow whole.

 

Megan: How long are we going to let them do that?

Liam, nursing a headache: Just... just give them a minute.

Kokichi: *is still pushing at a door clearly labeled pull*

 

Megan: I wish we could block people in real life.

Liam: A restraining order.

Kokichi: Murder.

 

Kokichi: What’s your biggest pet peeve? 

Megan: Seeing people attempt to sound smart by using lengthy words and misusing them.

Kokichi: I totally photosynthesis with this.

Megan: NO.

(Seeit’sfunnybecauseKokichinevergoteducatedpastfirstgradeandiskindastupidwhichisntatragedyatall)

 

Liam: Name a way to be nice to others.

Kokichi: Not killing them.

Liam: Setting the bad a bit low, but I’ll allow it.

 

Liam: We are not getting the freaking onesies.

*Cut to Liam, Megan, and Kokichi wearing onesies while hanging out in the van*

Liam, looking straight into the camera like he’s on the office: We got the freaking onesies.

 

Nighthound: Is that a knife or are you just excited to see me?

Alterntively

Nighthound: Is that a lance or are you just excited to see me?

 

Kokichi: Rules are made to be broken.
Phytomagnet: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Riley: Uh, piñatas.
Megan: Glow sticks.
Liam: Karate boards.
Impact: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Kokichi: And rules.
 
Interviewer: What are your three best qualities?
Kokichi: I’m gay, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends.
 
Red: Step 1, be straight.
*sees Tayahound*
Red: Failed step 1.
 
Liam: Oh no.
Megan: Oh no.
Kokichi, crashing through the wall: OH YEAH!!!
 
Kokichi, holding up a picture of Liam and Megan: Have you seen my friends?
Stranger: No, are they missing?
Kokichi: Oh no, they’re fine. I just want people to look at them. Aren’t they perfect? 
 
Shiny Sparkle: My name is Shiny Sparkle and you are?
Dr. Funtimes: Apparently not as straight as I thought I was.
 
Liam: Imagine if someone handed you a box of all the items you have lost throughout your life.
Kokichi: Wow, my childhood innocence.
Megan: My sense of purpose! I haven't seen it in years.
Ray: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!
Impact: Mental stability, my old friend!
Liam: Kids, could you lighten up a little?
 
C4: You’re smiling. Did something good happen?
Ray: Can’t I just smile because I feel like it?
Neverthere: Nighthound tripped and fell in the parking lot.
 
Liam: We need to distract the guards. 
Kokichi: Right.
Liam: What are you going to do?
Kokichi: I’m going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.
Liam: Kokichi, no.
 

 

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the winter system

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Voidgaze: You okay?
Ray: Yeah, I just have this headache that comes and goes.
*Nighthound walks by*
Ray: Oh, there it is again. 

 

Nighthound: Hello, Red.  

Red: …So, last time I saw you, you were trying to kill everyone. Where are you at these days? 

Nighthound: It varies from moment to moment.

 

Kokichi: I sent good vibes your way.

Kokichi: They are coming.
Kokichi: There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Megan: ...This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

 

 

Remington: You think yourself above them? 

Lightwards: Well, yes.
Alternatively.

Voidgaze: You think yourself above them? 

Nighthound: Well, yes. 

 

Kokichi: I recognize that the Circle of Shield has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid decision, I’ve elected to ignore it!

Liam: Hey

Kokichi: :D:D:D

Liam: How did you say that out loud

 

Kokichi, faced with a minor inconvenience: I want to die, lol.

Kokichi, faced with significantly traumatic experiences: This situation isn’t ideal.

 

Kokichi: Hey, let's do "Get Help." 

Liam: What? 

Kokichi "Get Help." 

Liam: No. 
Kokichi: Come on, you love it! 

Liam: I hate it. 

Kokichi It's great, it works every time. 

Liam: It's humiliating. 

Kokichi Do you have a better plan? 

Liam: No. 

Kokichi: We're doing it. 

Liam: We are not doing "Get Help." 
FIVE MINUTES LATER

Kokichi: *entering a government building* GET HELP! My friend is dying!
*throws Liam*

 

Kokichi: You can say “have a nice day” and no problem. But you CAN’T say “Enjoy the next twenty four hours” without sounding threatening.

Voidgaze: When I die, I want Nighthound to burry me so he can let me down one final time. 


Kokichi: What’s the signal  if something goes wrong?
Liam: What about “oh no?”
Kokichi: That’s good. 

 

Kokichi: I’m ready for sleep or, alternatively, death. 

 

Ray, upon being approached by Red: Is that a knife or are you just excited to see me— yup, that’s a knife. 

 

Kokichi: So what if I pour my coffee into my cereal instead of milk?

Liam, taking the coffee pot as he walk by: What if you don’t.

 

Kokichi: Ya’ll don’t know about my knife shoes.
Liam: Ice skates.

Kokichi: Blocked.

 

Megan: I wish I could block people in real life. 

Liam: A restraining order.
Kokichi: Murder.

 

Kokichi: Yeah, you might be bilingual but can you rap the entire Karkalicious rap?
Taya: …

Kokichi: Didn’t think so. 

 

Kokichi: Let’s all just be needlessly ominous for the rest of the year!

Nighthound: If you live that long.

 

Some maple: Are you a boy or a girl?

Kokichi: Not to my knowledge.

 

Kokichi: Going to class, writing things down, Liam, you love all that nerdy stuff!
Liam:  Writing stuff down is nerdy? What do you do?
Kokichi: Forget things, like a cool person.

 

Kokichi: Move, I’m trans. 


Kokichi: Being trans isn’t a choice, it’s a game and I’m winning. 


Liam: What did you do?!
Kokichi: I did my bestpacito.
Liam: Get out of my van. 


Liam: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?

Kokichi: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Liam: Oh.

Kokichi: I don't understand how you keep forgetting that.

 

Quietus: Murder is like potato chips.
Quietus: You can’t stop with just one. 


Kokichi: Tall people are the enemy
Nighthound: Can’t even see you hating all the way down there.
Kokici: I will tie your freaking shoelaces together and you won’t even know till it’s too late. 

 

Liam: What were you doing the night of the murder?

Kokichi: Not murdering.

Liam: But where were you?
Kokichi: *sweating* The not murder store.


Kokichi: I hate perfect people.
Kokichi: Which is why I hate myself.

 

Phytomagnet: There is no way that happened.

Kokichi: Are you calling me a liar?

Phytomagnet: I ain’t calling you a truther.


Liam: What are the symptoms of teenage depression?

Megan: Why are you asking me?
Liam: Kokichi was doing laundry earlier and they dropped a sock and I heard them say ‘why has god forsaken me’

 

Kokichi: I need a pop tart. 

Liam: You just had one!

 

Kokichi: *raises hand* I have a plan.

Liam: If it involves murder then don’t say anything

Kokichi: * lowers hand* I don’t have a plan.

 

Kokichi: It’s my god given transgender right to be dramatic.

 

 

Kokichi: yeet

Liam: ??

Kokichi: yoot

Kokichi: yotun

Kokichi: yute

Kokichi: yeeten

Kokichi: yate

Kokichi: yeeth

Kokichi: yeeted

Liam: You stop that right now

Megan, an intellectual: No let him finish

 

 

Kokichi: No, it would be against my moral compass.
Liam: Your moral compass is a roulette wheel! 


Liam: Remember, murder is never the answer.
Kokichi: Of course, murder is the question and the answer is yes.

 

Red: I miss Nighthound.
Nighthound: Stop telling everyone I’m dead.

Red: Sometimes I can still here his voice.

Liam: WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEAD BODIES DOING HERE?
Kokichi, nudging one wih their foot: Honestly, not much. 

 

Nighthound: I’m going to make you regret ever being born.
Kokichi: I’ll have you know that I regret that already. 


Nighthound: Could you be anymore annoying?
Kokichi: Yes. 


Kokichi: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Liam: Please never become a surgeon. 


Red: I flirted my way into this mess and I’ll flirt my way out. 

 

Kokichi: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better everyday? Also no.

Kokichi: Guess what number I’m thinking of. 

Liam: 420.
Kokichi: No, that’s really immature of you. Somebnody else guess and please take this seriously.
Megan: 69. 

Kokichi: Yeah, it was 69. 

 

Liam: Why would anyone want to kill Kokichi?

Megan: Maybe because they met them. 


Some guy: So, are you a boy or a girl?
Kokichi: I’m a troll. 

Some guy: No, like… what body parts do you have?
Kokichi: Mischievous ones


Ray: It’s pride month!
Kokichi: You useless lesbian, every month is pride month if you aren’t a coward. 

 

Kokichi, to Ray: Freaking superb, you funky little lesbian. 

 

Nighthound: It’s not like you’re going to kill me. 

Ray: Why do people keep saying that?

 

Nighthound: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it’s “intelligent” and “really cool” but when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let go.”

 

Kokichi:  It's like that one time you dared me to lick the swing-set!
Liam: No, I said, "Don't lick the swing-set" and you said, "Don't tell me what to do, Lee”.

Megan: ...

Kokichi: And then you licked the swing-set.

 

Liam: *holding up a Wanted poster with Kokichi’s picture* Look at this! Do you know what this means?

Kokichi, tearing up: Someone wants me

 

Kokichi: so *hops into van* come here often?

Liam, just trying to have a normal day: i live here?? wha-

 

Megan: I love this whole “good cop/bad cop” thing you two have going.

Liam: It’s not really a thing, it’s more like I’m nice and Kokichi’s not.

 

Kokichi: You remind me of the ocean.
Ray: Explain.

Kokichi: Really frickin salty. 


Liam: Hey, how do you take your coffee?
Kokichi: As dark and bitter as my soul. 

Liam: One glass of milk coming right up. 

 

Red: This date is boring.
Crimson: This isn’t a date. I said I was going to the store.
Red: Then why did you invite me?
Crimson: I didn’t. I specifically said, “don’t come with me” and you said “spark you, Crimson, I do whatever I want” and you followed me here. 

 

Liam: Any questions?

Kokichi: How are unicorns fake but giraffes are real? like what’s more believable, a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck?

Liam: I meant questions about the mission.

 

Crimson: Look, you can’t fall in love with me.
Red: Don’t tell me what to do. 
Crimson: Red—

Red: I’m going to love the sparks out of you and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. 


Faith: Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase “foolish mortals.” 

 

Chess: Woman, you don’t scare me!
Funtimes, turning his clothes into acid: What did you say? 

Chess: I said, “please don’t hurt me!” 

 

Crimson: *gets on one knee*

Red: Oh my gosh, it’s finally happening!
Crimson: *falls over*
Red: The poison is kicking in! 

 

Nighthound, to Kokichi: Shall I get you a step stool so you can look in my eyes when you threaten me?


Voidgaze: *is suffering*

Ray: That sucks. 

Ray: I wish I could take all your pain and give it to him. *points at Nighthound*

Quietus: I might seem like a bad person, but deep down, I’m a good person, and even deeper, I’m a worse person.


Red: Wow, he’s beautiful. 

Quietus: But totally my enemy.
Red: Yeah, yeah, we have to kill him.

 

Kokichi: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding.
Kokichi: Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a maple.

 

Kokichi: I made this friendship bracelet for you!

Liam: You know I’m not really a big jewelry person.

Kokichi: You don’t have to wear it.

Liam: No, I’m gonna wear this forever. Back off.

 

Liam: This is serious, Kokichi. I need you to be straight with me.
Kokichi: *nervous gay laughter*

 

Kokichi: I’m so water hungry.
Liam: Don’t you mean thirsty?
Kokichi: No. Water thirsty.
Liam: Why are you like this. 

 

Liam: If we die tomorrow, what would your last words be?
Kokichi: Finally.
Liam: Kokichi, no-

 

Kokichi: I guess I’m just too tough to cry.
Liam: Just today you were crying about snakes.
Kokichi, tearing up: They don’t have any arms! 


Red, hitting on Nighthound: Welcome back, jerky jerk-face. 


Nighthound: I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Kokichi: I love inside jokes. I’d love to be part of one someday. 


Megan: Is there a word that’s mixed between mad and sad?
Taya: Malcontented, disgruntled, miserable, desolated.

Kokichi: Smad.
Liam: There are two kinds of people. 

 

Liam, chilling out in the van and looking out the window at Kokichi doing literally anything: Hah, what an idiot. 

Liam, realizing it’s Kokichi: Oh no, that’s my idiot. 

 

Ray: Oh, come on! There's got to some sort of feeling you experience... love? sorrow? happiness?

Red: Stab?

Ray: That's not an emotion.

Red: Well, maybe I FEEL STABBY!

 

Red: Okay, listen up folks, we have a security situation here. As you know, when we reach a location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on we’ll be using codenames. You can address me as ‘Eagle One’.

Red: Nighthound. Codename – 'Been there done that’.

Nighthound: Uh, what?

Red: Quietus is 'Currently doing that’.

Red: Calamity is 'It happened once in a dream’.

Larcener, from a country away: *Winks*

Red: Voidgaze. Codename – 'If I had to pick a good person’.

Voidgaze: *sighs and facepalms*

Tony: Ray is… 'Eagle Two’.

Ray: Oh thank god.

 

Liam: Did you just refer to the knife as a “people openner?” 

Kokichi: Should I not have?

 

Kokichi: There’s three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Kokichi way!

Liam: Isn’t that the wrong way as well?

Kokichi: Yeah, but it’s faster!

 

Taya: You’re kind of annoying.

Kokichi: Kind of? Kind of??? Excuse me? Excuse you. I am fully annoying. I am very annoying. There’s nothing half-baked half-hearted “kind of” about it.

 

Liam: Would you please not Kokichi this into a worse situation than it is already

Kokichi: Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb

 

Nighthound: What did I do to deserve this?!

Ray: Want me to tell you in alphabetical order or from bad to worse?

 

Ray: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Nighthound: I died.

Ray: That was my fondest memory.

 

Nighthound: Oh, I feel asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich 

Ray: Go back to sleep. And starve.

 

Gem: Let me see what you have. 

Red: A knife!

Red: NO!!

 

Kokichi: You know what I’ve always wondered? How do tall people sleep? Like you actually sleep at night when the blanket can’t possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Liam: Kokichi, it’s four o’clock in the morning

Kokichi: So you can’t sleep huh?

Kokichi: …is it because of the blanket?

 

Kokichi: I’m sorry, but it’s just so hard for me to make friends.

Liam: Have you tried not killing people?

 

Liam: What the heck is wrong with you?!

Kokichi: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I'm better than everyone else.

 

Some Epic: I’ve come to kill you.
Kokichi: Let me ask Arabella.

The Epic: It’s not a —

Kokichi: She said no.

 

 

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the winter system

the winter system

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Calamity: Tag what you intend on majoring in!
Nathan: Respecting Woman 
Remington: Batman
Funtimes: minecraft
The Unicyclist : weed
Revolution: W
Sam: Criminal justice and psychology. 
Ray: i’m terrified that i’ll lock myself into an interest that i’ll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study i’ve pursued over my life!
Red: Minecraft
Neverthere: minecraft as well

 

Kokichi: Welcome to apple bees, would you like the apples or the bees?
Nathan: What?
Funtimes: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!!
Kokichi: BEES!

 

Taya: That sounds like a horrible plan.
Kokichi: Oh, I've had worse.

 

Kokichi: It’s all fun and games, until it’s not that anymore.

 

Kokichi: Has anyone else had that horrifying moment where you look around for an adult and realize you are one?

 

Kokichi: I’m looking extremely normal today.

 

Kokichi: Man, repressing your emotions is great!

 

Kokichi: Frickin’ superb, you funky little lesbian!
Ray: I’m taller than you.

 

Lucentia: Do you ever see your sibling and just have this overwhelming urge to smack them for no reason? Like my brother will walk into the room, and I’m like “oh man, I guess I have to end you”

 

Kokichi: Yes, I am fully aware that I am The WorstTM, but I still wanna be like... loved and stuff.

 

Kokichi: Who else is stupid and eats bread?

 

Kokichi: You can’t outmeme me.

 

Kokichi: Don’t worry, I have a permit.
Liam, holding up a piece of paper: This just says, “I can do what I want.”
Kokichi:

 

Ray: My neutral expression makes me look like I’m always in a bad mood, which is convenient because it’s usually true. 

 

Kokichi: Oversized hoodies.
Kokichi: You think they’re clothes, but they’re actually wearable hugs.

 

Kokichi, at 3am: Everyone talks about the astral plane, like theres only one. so if I were to go to there, would I see other people who are projecting themselves too? What if there is more than one astral plane? What if it’s like a video game server and you get different people each time you project? I need answers. Adventurer, are you listening? I need answers. 
Adventurer:
Kokichi:
Adventurer: Holy moly.

 

Kokichi: Drugs? No thanks. The only “high” I need is the natural rush you get when committing a murder. 
Kokichi: Just kidding. I have an addiction to sugar.

Kokichi: Yeah, I’m beautiful, but where’s my mental stability? 

 

Kokichi: I say “fight me” way too much for someone who has to hold back tears when someone yells at me.

 

Taya: You think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.

 

 

Kokichi: What do you say, Lee?

Liam: I have some concerns. 

 

Kokichi: I’ve done, like, 14 things in my life, and I regret 20 of them.

 

Kokichi: What doesn’t kill you will give you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really weird sense of humor. 

 

Liam: I honestly don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Kokichi: We should attack Nighthound with hummus.

Liam: I stand corrected.

 

Kokichi: Good news! I’ve successfully replaced all of my emotions with jokes.

 

Kokichi: And the moral of my story is never have feelings ever. 

 

Liam: Ninety percent of my vocabulary lately has been “what?”

 

Kokichi: Which is messier, my hair or my life?

Ray: 

 

Kokichi: Let’s have a moment of silence for all my wasted potential.

 

Kokichi: I could take like a lot of people in a fight. Like more than five.

 

Kokichi, a lesbian icon: Let’s go lesbians!

 

Kokichi: My general reaction to things that could kill me is to poke it with a stick.

 

Kokichi: Ugggh, how do you maples handle this normal reality nonsense! I think I pulled a muscle.

Liam: Yeah, you can’t pull what you don’t have.

 

Kokichi, entering their own password: I’m in.

 

Kokichi: There is a fun game I play with myself before, during, and after I fall asleep.

Kokichi: it’s called screaming and the rules are simple. 

 

Voidgaze: Living well is the best revenge. 

Ray: Yeah, but I’m obviously not going to do that.

Ray: What’s the second best revenge? Cutting their breaks, right?

 

Kokichi: Sorry for all the murders. I am learning and hope to grow from this experience.

 

Kokichi: Have you ever met someone who was like sunshine in human form?

 

Sam: My goth phase never went away. It just aged like fine wine. 

 

Lightwards: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me. 

 

Kokichi: If you bottle up your emotions for long enough, you can use them like Molotov cocktails. 

 

Kokichi, gesturing to themself: You’ve heard of sweet summer child.
Kokichi, gesturing to Ray: Now get ready for salty winter adult. 

 

Kokichi: Yikes, you’re so dark. Are you sure you’re not the DC cinematic universe?
Nighthound:

 

Arabella, five years ago: You’ll understand when you’re older.
Kokichi: Well, now I’m older and I understand absolutely nothing.
Ray: I actually understand less. 

 

Liam: How do you even function.
Kokichi: Sugar and emotional repression.

 

 

Kokichi: Look, I don't know how to make you feel better if you start crying but i could murder someone if that would help?

 

Kokichi: Once I figure out how to be awesome and sane, it’s over for you losers.

 

Lucentia: It seems like in all my failures a reoccurring factor is everyone else, which is where the blame should fall.

 

Ray: This just in. I’m gay.

 

Ray: Look, you can let bad experiences turn you petty and bitter, but you can also chose to become angry and violent.

 

Ray: I can’t tell if I have anxiety or if this is just how being alive feels like now.

 

Funtimes: I didn’t come here to make friends!
Funtimes, grinning: I came here to make BEST friends.

 

Revolution: Sure, we’re all terrified, but at least we’re all terrified together!

 

Ray, experiencing happiness: What the heck was that.

 

Nathan: Relationships are great if you never want to understand what’s going on. 

 

Ray: This is definitely one of the weirder times to be alive.

 

Kokichi: I am a person with a single goal in life: To upgrade every fracas to a ruckus.

 

Liam: You need to let this stress go.
Kokichi: Nah, I’m gonna let this stress kill me.

 

Kokichi: I’d probably apologizing more if I didn’t hate lying to people.

 

Kokichi: I can’t find it.
Megan: What are you looking for?
Kokichi: My happiness.
Liam, coming into the room: Hey, can you help me out with something?
Kokichi:
Kokichi: There it is.

 

Kokichi: I hate people. Life sucks, nothing good ever happens-
Arabella: [walks in]
Kokichi: A miracle has just occurred, my skin is clear, my crops are watered, I feel whole again.

 

Kokichi: Lets see, where were we.
Kokichi: Right! The pit of despair.

 

Kokichi: And they were roommates.
Kokichi:
Megan, sighing: Oh god, they were roommates.

 

Adventurer: I don’t age. I level up.

 

Kokichi, isolating themself: Perfect, but why am I sad?

 

Kokichi: I would kill for a job as an assassin. 
Liam:

 

Kokichi: Whose side is Red on?
Ray: At the moment?

Kokichi: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! 
Kokichi: It’s me trying to outrun my feelings! There I go.

 

Kokichi: Crying is very punk, trust me, I do it all the time and I’m hella punk.

 

Kokichi. I don’t want to look pretty, I want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening.

 

Kokichi: Oh yeah, the Russian Revolution, or, as I like to call it, tsar wars. 

 

Kokichi: Oh, is that what you’re calling yourself now, ‘Taya?’
Taya: 
Liam: That’s... her name.

 

Kokichi: Are your muscles are so big because they’re filled with respect women juice?

 

Kokichi: Ugh. Computers.
Kokichi: Once mine said, “press any button to continue,” so I pressed the power button.
Kokichi: Guess what happened?
Liam: It turned off.
Kokichi: How was I supposed to know that?

 

Kokichi: I am so mad at you, you stupid edgehog, you’re going to hear it now.
Kokichi: *leaves*
Kokichi: *brings back a stool*

 

Kokichi: Happy forth of July everyone! Don’t forget to leave out a bag of Doritos for Captain America!
Taya:
Megan, to Taya: Am I going to tell them or are you?
Liam: Don’t you dare ruin this for them.

 

Taya: Why is Kokichi sitting on the top of your van?
Liam: They like to feel tall. 


Kokichi: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

 

Kokichi: If you need me, I’ll be in a bad mood.

 

Kokichi, after hitting their hand on a table: OW! My armkle!
Taya: Your what now?
Liam, sighing: They mean their wrist.

 

Someone: So, like, are you dating anyone?
Kokichi: No, I have trust issues. *dabs*

 

 

Kokichi: I could really go for some upgamers right now. 
Liam: What’s upgamers?
Kokichi: WELCOME TO MY MINECRAFT YOUTUBE VIDEO. 

 

Kokichi: Being scientific doesn’t make you intellectually superior.
Kokichi: Being religious doesn’t make you morally superior.
Kokichi: But being a Minecraft Youtuber? That makes you both.


The Unicyclist, from the bottom bunk : So, like, one of us is going to have to turn into an Epic. There’s four of us. Someone has to take one for the team.
Sam, on the top bunk: I love you but can you please go to sleep.

 

Kokichi, picking up a crying child: It’s okay, when you’re older, you’ll learn to do this on the inside.

 

Kokichi: I don’t see why people used to need driver’s ed. It’s just Mario Kart without all the power ups.
Liam: Please never drive.

 

Liam: Where is Taya?
Megan: I’ll do you one better— WHO is Taya? 
Kokichi: Well, I’ll do you one better— WHY is Taya?
Taya, mentally: But no one ever asks HOW is Taya, huh?

 

Taya: It’s 2025, please put the k back in thicc.
Kokichi: thikc
Taya: You know what, I’ll take it.

 

Liam: Kokichi, what would you have majored in?
Kokichi: PTSD
Kokichi: With a minor in ADHD

 

Taya, annoyed: You think you’re hilarious, don’t you?
Kokichi: Thought I realize you’re a little annoyed with me, and this might not be the time to shower myself with praise, honesty compels to tell you; yes. Yes, I do think I am hilarious. 

 

Ray: I love having guests over! It´s like being alone but worse

 

Taya: Don’t you say a word:
Kokichi: 
Kokichi: Fergalicious.
Taya: I said no words, Kokichi.
Kokichi:  Oh I see. Two weeks ago playing scrabble it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

 

Kokichi: Meanwhile, I will create a small distraction on the western flank.
Liam: I thought you said you were going to kill them all?
Kokichi: Yes. It will be the ultimate distraction.

 

Kokichi: What’s a freakshow?
Taya: It’s like this friendship, but people pay to see it. 

 

Nighthound: So how do you guys plan to deal with this?
Liam: Together.
Kokichi, at the top of their lungs and off key: we’rE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

 

Liam: Are you sure you’re okay?
Kokichi, crying: Yeah, it’s just these onions.
Liam: 
Liam: Those are potatoes.

 

Kokichi, repressing their feeling: This is so sad, Alexa play despatico.

 

Taya: Could you be any more annoying?
Kokichi: Yes!

 

Kokichi: Don’t mess with me! I have the power of Calamity and anime on my side! 

 

Kokichi: The cause of my death will likely be having feelings.

 

Taya: Are you mad?
Kokichi: Possibly.

 

Funtimes: My two moods are glitter and death.
Kokichi: Oh worm.

 

Kokichi: Roses are red, violets are blue, poems are hard, bacon.

 

Kokichi, watching their heart get ripped out of their chest: Okay, first off, mood. 

 

Kokichi: I’m just trying to do my bestpatico.

 

Liam: Hey, are you alright?
Kokichi with no hesitation: *starts crying*

 

Kokichi, waking up: Oh no. Not again.

 

Taya: I’m not bitter.
Kokichi, narrating: She was bitter.

 

Kokichi: We can defeat Nighthound if we all T pose.
Liam: How about o pose, as in I oppose whatever it is you just said.

 

Kokichi: I HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS RINGING JING JING JINGLING
Taya: HALLOWEEN WAS LITERALLYNINE MINUTES AGO.

 

Kokichi: If I turn 69, I’ll probably be laughing about it for the whole year.

 

Kokichi, jumping over their feelings: Parkour.

 

Kokichi: WARNING I MAKE MISTAKES.

 

Kokichi: Yikes, this is emotional.

 

Kokichi: Guess what? I have flaws.
Kokichi: What are they? I sing in the shower. I cry during romantic comedies.
Liam: Kokichi, you’ve killed over one hundred people.
Kokichi: OKAY, and occasionally I’ll commit first degree murder. Are you happy now?

 

Ray: This was a 100% successful trip. 
Red: We lost Nighthound.
Ray: This was a 100% successful trip.

 

Nighthound: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.  

 

Kokichi: Balloons are so weird... “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

 

Kokichi, at their second rodeo: This ain’t my first rodeo. 

 

Nighthound: My only friend is the thrill of the killl. 

 

Kokichi: I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth months.
Red: Whoever ruined this should be stabbed.
David: If I recall, they did used to be corresponding months. It was just when Roman leaders JULius Caeser and AUGUSTus came into power, they added July and August, thusly throwing off the number.
Kokichi: Good news, whoever ruined the calendar did in fact get stabbed.

 

 

Kokichi: So here’s my plan. 
Kokichi: Step 1. You make fifteen identical cats.
Kokichi. Step 2. We invite someone over.
Kokichi: Step 3. When they ask how many cats we have, we say, “one but he’s really fast.”
Funtimes: That’s the best plan anyone has ever come up with.
Kokichi: I know.

 

Kokichi, walking up to a couple of straight adult High Epics far more powerful than they are: So which one of you is the bee and which one of you is the fully grown woman who left her husband for a bee?

 

Funtimes: I had a dream that the new lingo was “big yeet” and it meant something like “mood and I hate it”
Kokichi, talking out loud: op this post is a big yeet
Lightwards: How the hell does anyone learn English nowadays when we speak like this.

 

Kokichi: Power move- Saying “that’s treason” anytime somebody does something that mildly inconveniences you.
Revolution: Lightwards ghostwrote this post.
Sam: Awfully bold of you to assume Lightwards could spell inconveniences.

 

Ray: When I was in history class, I was always thinking, “Wow, humans have been through some fascinating stuff. I wonder if I’ll ever live through major historical events.”
Ray: Nowadays, it’s been more like, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE.”
C4: it was supposed to be space travel why wasn’t it space travel 

 

 

Kokichi: What if the only reason we can’t walk through mirrors is because our reflection blocks us.
Sam: What if they’re protecting us? What if they know the other side is horrifying and painful and they are trying to keep us from ever crossing over?
Ray: I must be on the wrong side of the mirror then.
Revolution: Maybe you’re the reflection 

 

Ray: Millennial culture is having two wildly different conversations with the same person on two different apps at the same time.
Kokichi: Conversation 1- cheese borgor lol
Kokichi: Conversation 2: thats why i think im afraid of making myself vulnerable because he taught me i needed to pretend to be whatever people wanted me to be over who i really am

 

Funtimes: The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
Nighthound: I disembowl. It’s what I do.
Kokichi: I’d sell you to Satan for one corn chip.
Taya: “This is wonderful! This is going to be fine! I love this!” I was soon to change my mind, however.
Red: I love you despite the warning signs. 
Quietus: I preen for Satan.
Lucentia: My emotions have three outlets: haughty silence, tears, and rage. 
Nathan: Finally, he gathered himself together and spoke. “What the heck?”
Ray: I find you deeply disturbing.
Liam: Dealing with you is like herding cats.
Shiny Sparkle: My modus operandi is to turn up the awesome and break the knob off.
FunSparkles: I’m addicted to sparkly things.
Lightwards: The night might’ve passed peacefully if it hadn’t gotten real.
Autumn: I meditate mostly for a fifteen minute break from this nightmare.
Timeport: Looking for trouble and if I cannot find it, I will create it. 
Adventurer: I have a natural talent for being irrational.
Quota: My only crime was that I was down to clown. 
Seth: He proclaimed his undying loyalty and asked me to do the same. I had to fight the urge to laugh.
Kokichi: My crazy runs wide and it runs deep.

 

Funtimes: I wish more foods were named in the same vein as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”
Revolution: You’ve Got To Be Pulling My Leg, THIS Is Ranch??
Sam: This is not soup.
Kokichi: breadn’t

 

David: I have seven new notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them, any suggestions?
Funtimes: put spaghetti in it.
David: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you.
Kokichi: put spaghetti in it.
David: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except the two of you.
Firefight: put spaghetti in it.
David: I am no longer taking suggestions.

 

Nighthound: My therapist once told me I have an obsession with seeking revenge. We’ll see about that. 

 

Kokichi: i admire so many of you and wish we had closer relationships but i’m bad at friends

 

Kokichi: Sometimes you just need to lie on the floor.

 

Kokichi, facedown on the floor: listen everything is totally fine.

 

Kokichi, when they disagree with someone: DING DONG, YOU’RE WRONG. 

 

Also Kokichi disagreeing with someone: OBJECTION!

 

Kokichi: I always have the urge to grab a pigeon but like what would I do if I actually caught it.

 

Nighthound: Why do women cry when they’re angry?
Kokichi: Because they realize that it is borderline impossible to murder you... and that’s frustrating.

 

Kokichi: New year, new (ani)me!

 

Kokichi: You’ve fallen victim to the old razzle dazzle!

 

Kokichi: I love anime.
Kokichi: Hey, Lee, I need help.
Liam: Ask your friend Naruto.

 

Kokichi: ...I wish I was a Roomba… then I could be free...

 

Liam: You think this is a bad idea?
Kokichi: Without a doubt.
Liam: Then why are you smiling?
Kokichi: Because bad ideas are my favorite kind!

 

Kokichi: rubber is steel lol its all just atoms 
Funtimes: New philosophy: this but unironically. 

 

Liam: What is with this lost sassy child?

 

Kokichi: If you come any closer, I will kashoot you. In the face.

 

Funtimes: What if mayonnaise came in cans?
Kokichi: That would suck because you can’t microwave metal.
Lightwards, “No fun allowed”: Good morning to everyone except those two.

 

Liam: So what did you do when she said she thought of you like her own child?
Kokichi: I panicked and dabbed.

 

Kokichi: Self care is drinking 3 pots of coffee, and getting into a knife fight with God.

 

Kokichi, talking in Helvetia: Sometimes I get emotional over fonts.

 

Ray: I started high school with straight As and now I’m not even straight.

 

Metal: Opinions are like mixtapes; I don’t want to hear yours.


Remington: This has Nighthound’s fingerprints all over it.
Sam: Our arch enemy!
Sam: ...Well, your arch enemy. I, um...you know, I don’t think he even knows my name.

 

Nathan: If you want to defuse this moment of genuine vulnerability with a silly joke, I understand.
Funtimes: Well, now that you've called it, there's no point!

 

Calamity: Give me one good reason  why I  shouldn’t punch your face in.
Nighthound: It would be way too rewarding.
Kokichi: My mom specifically instructed me to have a good day.
Taylor Swift: I’ll open my mouth and swallow your whole arm. 
Ray: I’d rather just do it myself. 
Red: Your fist is so pristine.
Deathwish: Judge said I’d go to jail if someone punched me in the face one more time.
Funtimes: Wounding me emotionally would pay much higher dividends.
Blank: When you move in to punch me, I’m going to hold a bucket up in front of your face, and then your fist will just punch the inside of an empty bucket and you’ll look ridiculous. 

 

 

Ray: Not today, Satan 
Satan: You’ve been canceling our plans for weeks now. If it’s something I said, please just tell me.

 

Remington: Lightwards, my archenemy.
Nighthound: I thought I was your archenemy.
Remington: People have lives outside of you.
Nighthound: It’s cute how you think that. 

 

Re: Nighthound trying to kill them.
Lightwards: We're moving past that.
Funtimes: Are we?
Nathan: Who's 'we'?
Lightwards: I am! I am leading by example.
Nathan: WE are going to sit in it for a while.

 

In a therapy meeting:
Liam: How about we go around in a circle and each say what’s bothering us?
Kokichi: Nothing’s bothering me.
Taya: So it looks like Kokichi struggles with honesty.
Kokichi: I — DIE YOU EMO BORINGFACE.

 

Ray: They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and most people don’t like me without changing some aspect of what I am.

 

Red: If I died, how much would you miss me?
Nighthound: It’s cute how you think death can get you out of this relationship.


Kokichi: I am very small.
Kokichi: And I have no money.
Kokichi: So you can imagine the stress I’m under. 

 

Kokichi, scooting a dead body away from them with their foot: I do not kill people. That is… my least favorite thing to do. 

 

Nathan: My anxiety has kept me up for over fifty hours.
Nathan: *laughs*

 

 Liam: I know you're not used to this, but maybe you should just try to keep it chill and see what happens.
Kokichi: Great advice. Impossible to follow, but great advice.

 

Liam: Could pass the salt, Kokichi?
Kokichi: I would, but I don’t think Ray would like it if I picked her up.
Ray: ...

 

Kokichi: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

 

Funtimes: Hmmm… doesn’t sound very fun.
Nathan: Does the end of the world sound more fun? 

 

Karabiner: What the heck are you made of?
Kokichi: Flesh and poor life choices.

 

Nighthound: I’m a power couple with myself. I love us. We work hard.

 

Megan, talking to Liam: Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Kokichi, interrupting: An apple can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

 

Kokichi: The day I let some furry stab me to death is the day I die.
Taya, managing to overcome the possession for a moment because of how stupid they sound: Yes, that is how being stabbed to death works.
Kokichi: Quiet, I’m trying to sound cool in front of the super op edgehog.

 

Funtimes: We can use our friendship bracelets! Friendship is the greatest magic of all!
Nathan: …
Nathan: That’s not how magic works.

 

Kokichi: There's no i in 'team', but there's one in 'pizza’
Liam: So you're not going to share
Kokichi: I'm not going to share

 

Liam: Toss me the van keys!
Kokichi: *throws a printer... somehow*
Liam: I said the keys!
Kokichi: I’m sorry, I thought you said printer!
Liam: Why would I say printer?!

 

Red: I’m not angry with you, I was being playful. I stabbed you with my fun knife!

 

Liam, absentmindedly: If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same. 
Kokichi, also absentmindedly: So kill a whole bunch of them. 
Liam: What?
Kokichi: What? 

 

Ray, to Red: Oh, I’d like to give you something!
Ray: It’s a trash bin that reminded me of you.

 

Ray: So I went to target earlier and I was looking through the men’s clothing section and was comparing two shirts and this woman came up to me and literally said “Oh, how nice! You must be shopping for your boyfriend,” and I, without thinking, replied: “Nothing I do in life is ever for the sake of men”.

 

Taya: Who is this sassy lost child?

 

Kokichi: *takes a free sample twice*
Kokichi: I love robbery and fraud.

 

Nighthound: I would like to apologize to anyone who I have not yet offended. Be patient and I will get to you shortly.

 

Lightwards: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offended me.

 

Kokichi: SMILING AT PEOPLE WHO HATE YOU IS THE BEST THING EVER!

 

Kokichi: People are always shooting down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two seconds in and everyone’s already shouting “what the heck, that’s illegal!” or “you can’t do that!” Let me talk.


Kokichi: Sure, I made mistakes when I was younger. But now that I’m older, I’ve learned how to make different, often far more serious mistakes!

 

Kokichi: “This is sure to end badly,” I say to myself as I continue doing it anyway.


Liam, to Kokichi: Sometimes we have thoughts but we don’t have to share them with everyone and put them out into the world. Just a suggestion. 


Lucentia: I won’t rest until I’ve complained about everything.


Nighthound: Is ruining people’s lives a hobby?


Kokichi: Am I dramatic?
Kokichi: Yes.
Kokichi: Is it justified?
Kokichi: Also yes.


Liam: Hey, have you heard of enjoying things in moderation?
Kokichi, deeply embedded in the only thing they’ve done or talked about for the last week: I have no idea what you mean. 


Kokichi: Isn’t it odd how people kill flys just because they’re annoying?
Kokichi: If people killed people for being annoying, I would’ve died like nineteen years ago. 

 

Kokichi: “I don’t care,” I say, caringly as I care deeply. 

 

Kokichi: Why am I so small and angry?

 

Kokichi: I’m actually pretty cool, just give me like five tries to get it right.


Nighthound: The first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself. 
 

Kokichi: I relate to the phrase ‘chillin like a villain’ because it shows that I’m calm but also ready to sin. 

 

Nighthound: Bad news everyone. 
Nighthound: I exist. 


Kokichi: I AM SO SORRY that i type like a very excited child , the truth is I’m very excited and I am a child

 

Vondra: I expected better from you.
Deathwish: Well that was your fault, I got nothing to do with that. 

 

Liam: Are you decent?
Kokichi: Not morally, but I’m wearing pants if that’s what you’re asking.

 

Nathan: Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life, stuff just happens and I’m like, “oh, is this what we’re doing now?”

 

Kokichi, repressing their emotions: An anime episode a day keeps the horrible reality away!

 

Kokichi: How many layers of unhealthy coping mechanisms are you on right now?
Funtimes: Like four or five, I dunno.
Kokichi: You are like a little baby, watching this.
Kokichi: YEET.

 

Ray: I think you are the worst human being on the planet. 
Nighthound: Well that’s just foolish, have you met everyone on the planet?

 

Megan: Talk to Liam, that’s what friends do!
Kokichi: Nope. I’m gonna wait til i’m on my death bed, get in the last word and then die immediately.
Megan: That’s your plan for dealing with this?
Kokichi: That’s my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I’m going to win that way.

 

Liami: Wayne, don’t say a word.
Kokichi: Fergalicious.
Liam: I said no words.
Kokichi: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

 

Liam: Would you please not Kokichi this into a situation worse than it already is?
Kokichir: Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?

 

Kokichi: Crows are goth doves. Black bears are goth polar bears. Zebras are still figuring themselves out. 

 

Alternative responses to “I love you.”

Funtimes: thanks
Big Al: i’m sorry
Taylor Swift: Who doesn’t?
Euphoria: A horrible decision, really. 
Nathan: *laughs nervously* 
Voidgaze: *finger guns*
Jacklyn: i know
Ray: why
Kokichi: YEET!
Nighthound: If only there was someone out there who loved you.

 

Liam: This is a mistake.
Kokichi: A mistake we’re gonna laugh about one day.
Liam: But not today.
Kokichi: Oh no, today’s gonna be a mess.

 

Nighthound: Can the sarcasm.
Kokichi, sarcastically: Please, edgehog, I never use canned sarcasm, only fresh

 

Crimson: I need you to be straight with me.
Red: [nervous bisexual laughter]

 

Liam: Can I have some trail mix?
Kokichi: Oh, you mean “M&M’s with obstacles?”

 

Megan: You mean, Kokichi is in trouble or Kokichi IS the trouble?
Liam: I mean, either they’re in trouble or they’re going to be.

 

Crimson, to Red: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

 

Nighthound: Oh hi, thanks for checking in! I’m still a piece of garbage.

 

Chess: I’m going to make your life hell.
Funtimes: Joke’s on you. My life’s all ready hell.
Chess: …Are you okay?
Funtimes [whispering]: No.

 

Kokichi: Listen Lee, in this universe, it's either yeet or be yeeted.
Liam: I'm literally begging you to stop.
Funtimes: No, let them finish. 

 

Lightwards: 8% approval rating? Who are they asking?

 

Nighhound, on monopoly: I love games that turn people against each other.

 

Kokichi: Two words: Mafia. Pigeons.

 

Kokichi: I’m probably one of the smartest, most skilled people in this building.
Liam: ...Is your hand stuck in a vending machine?
Kokichi: I payed for mY SKITTLES I’M GETTING MY SKITTLES.

 

Kokichi, to the tune of The Final Countdown: It’s a mental breakdown!

 

Kokichi: Ack! That was a close call! I almost relaxed. 

 

Quietus: Murder is actually very valid.

 

Voidgaze: Do you want something from the vending machine?
Ray: Nighthound’s death. 
Voidgaze: Yeah, all they’ve got is soda.
Ray: Soda will do.

 

Kokichi: So what’s the plan?
Liam: I thought you were the one with the plan.
Kokichi: Nope! I’m the one with the enthusiasm!

 

Kokichi: You know, I really look up to you!
Arabella: ...because you’re short?

 

Nighhound: I’m going to hell, you guys want anything?

 

Lightwards: There’s always that one loser in the friend group who’s not down with murder.

 

Red, pointing at a sign that says ‘dying’: There’s only one thing worse than dying.
Red: *rips away sheet to reveal that it says ‘Nighthound’ beneath it*
Ray: Nighthound. 
Red: NO!

 

Nighthound: Whenever somebody responds with “I beg your pardon?” assert your dominance by announcing “Then Beg.”

 

Kokichi: So do you think “It’s Raining Men” and “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” Are the same event but from different perspectives?
Nathan: I am literally begging you to stop.
Funtimes: No, let them finish.

 

Ray: I’m a lesbian.
Kokichi: I thought you were American?

 

Kokichi: I brought you a present, mom!
Arabella: Are you sure it’s not just bees again?
Kokichi, from a distance: Just open it.

 

Kokichi: I ate too many magic beans I can feel thE MAGIC coursing through my veins.
Megan: Kokichi?
Liam: Just ignore them, Megan, they ate seven boxes of tic tacks.

 

Arabella: Guys, I would tell you if I had a child.
Kokichi: Hey mom!
Arabella: Oh, hey kiddo.
Friends: 
Arabella:
Arabella: Look, I can explain.

 

Quietus: To be honest, I should care, but then I remember... I don’t. 

 

Kokichi: There are tears in my eyes but don’t think for a moment that I have emotions. 

 

Ray: And then Nighthound died.
Nighthound, mockingly: AnD THeN NiGhtHOunD DIeD.

 

Nathan: I don’t know what’s happening in this city and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

 

Liam: Have you ever accidentally befriended someone who is very irritating?

 

Kokichi: Several billion people on this earth and I have one friend.

 

Kokichi: My preferred pronouns are “your majesty.”

 

Liam: Child
Liam: Why you scream.

 

Jacklyn: ‘Are you flirting with me or are you like this to everyone’ a classic novel by me.

 

Red: If at first you don’t succeed, try a sharper knife.

 

Ray: Are you the sun? Because you need to stay 93,000,000 miles away from me.


Taya: You all are not.
Kokichi: YAINT

 

Ray: *covers up real emotions with aggressive sarcasm*

 

Kokichi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MANGA DOESN’T COUNT AS LITERATURE. 

 

Megan: What if you went to a parallel universe and were going to meet your evil self but the version of you there is actually really nice and you’re the evil one.

 

Ray: No human language can describe how disappointed I am right now.

 

Kokichi: *falls in the shower*
Kokichi: PARKOUR!

 

Red: Some girls like sports.
Red: I like serial killers. 

 

The Reckoners file on Kokichi: They live and die by the meme. 

 

Nighthound: I lived, suckers.

 

Kokichi: Road work ahead?
Liam: Have you never seen a roadsign before—
Kokichi: I SURE HOPE IT DOES.

 

Kokichi: I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my entire life.
Arabella: I know this and I love you

 

Nathan: Have a nice day!
Sam: Don’t tell me what to do.

 

Funtimes: Benefits of dating me: you’ll be dating me.
Funtimes: I could go on but I think you’ve got the picture.

 

Voidgaze: Hey Ray, help me with this cross word puzzle. I need a ten letter word for loser.
Ray: Nighthound.
Voidgaze: It fits!

 

Kokichi, leaving: Bye Lee. Bye Taya. Bye Megan. Bye Lee.
Taya: You said “bye Lee” twice.
Kokichi: I like Lee.

 

Liam: We are so doomed.
Kokichi: Hey, now! I don’t wanna hear that defeatist attitude from you... I wanna hear you upbeat! 
Liam, in an upbeat tone: We are so doomed!
Kokichi: That’s the spirit!

 

Kokichi: My mom taught me that if I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Nighthound: ...
Kokichi: But she’s not here and you’re a STUPID EDGEHOG.
 

Liam to Megan, who’s not sure about getting in a van with some strangers: Don’t worry, I don’t bite.
Kokichi: I do!

 

Kokichi: I would die for you. 
Liam: I’d die for you too.
Kokichi, suddenly emotional: PLEASE DON’T

 

 

Kokichi: I guess I’m just too tough to cry.
Arabella: Just yesterday you were crying over snakes.
Kokichi, tearing up: They don’t have any arms!

 

Ray: Nighthound is horrible and so cruel, I doubt he’s capable of treating anyone on the planet worse than he treats me.
Kokichi: Hold my beer.
Ray: That’s soda.
Kokichi: Hold my soda.

 

Kokichi, with a label pointed at them that says ‘Teen who got stabbed’: What are you going to do, stab me? 

 

Funtimes: I came out here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
Nathan: I came out here to be attacked and I’m honestly having a good time right now. 

 

Nathan: I’ve decided to trust you. 
Sam: A horrible decision, really. 

 

Funtimes: I’m sorry, I just lost my cool for a moment there.
Lightwards, under his breath: You can’t lose something you never had.

 

Kokichi: I wasn’t hurt that badly. The doctor said all the bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be!

 

Lucentia: I won’t rest until I’ve complained about everything.

 

Kokichi: I hate you with every inch of my body!
Nighthound: That’s not a lot of inches.

 

Liam: Did you just refer to a knife as a people opener?
Kokichi: Should I not have?

 

Nighthound: How come whenever I have fun, it’s considered wrong?
Nathan: People die when you have fun!

 

Nighthound: Why do people always assume the worst of me?
Ray: It saves time.

 

Kokichi: I’m not scared of you! None of us are!
Liam: I kind of am.
Kokichi: Lee, shut up.

 

Al, wearing shades and a leather jacket: So I hear you like bad boys.
Voidgaze: No, not really.
Al, throwing off the shades and jacket: Oh thank goodness.

 

Taya: You’re rude.
Nighthound: Wow, it’s like you’re a detective or something.

 

Red: Why would anyone want to hurt Nighthound?
Ray: Maybe because they met him.

 

Lucentia: Would I rather be feared or loved? 
Lucentia: Easy.
Lucentia: Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

 

Red: *drops knife on the floor seductively* oh noooo ;) *kicks it towards Nighthound* pretty reckless of me *lies down in a vulnerable position* oh noooo it looks like I’m pretty open for being stabbed here!

 

Kokichi: Oh. It’s okay. I guess I wasn’t meant to have a good life.

 

Kokichi: I try to be a big fluffy ball of support and positivity to help my friends!!
Kokichi: But I’m more like a big ball of sadness, emotional instability, and paranoia and need to be taken care of.

 

Kokichi, seeing a picture of them with long hair: No offense, but who the frick is this?

 

Liam: Nothing in life is free.
Voidgaze: Love is free!
Megan: Adventure is free.
Taya: Knowledge is free.
Kokichi: Everything is free if you take it without paying!

 

Voidgaze: *gets injured*
Ray: That sucks. I wish I could take all your pain and give it to Nighthound. 

 

Ray: I want a remote that makes people shut up with a button.
Funtimes: *offers a gun*
C4, Sam, Remington, and Ray: *perk up*
Nathan: Why are do many of you looking interested?

 

Kokichi: You know this guy?
Arabella: So do you. He tried to kill us.
Kokichi: Doesn't narrow it down much.
Arabella: As in, more than once.
Kokichi: You're going to have to be more specific.
Arabella: Two years ago.
Kokichi: More specific.
Arabella: In the summer.
Kokichi: More specific.

 

Kokichi: If you think about it, we’re sort of like God’s fursona. 
Liam: I Would Rather Not

 

Kokichi: Lee, I crave expired ice.
Liam: A what.
Nathan, sighing: They mean water.

 

Kokichi: I like your shoelaces.
Megan, sighing: Thanks, I stole them from the president.
Liam: Wait, what?

 

Kokichi: *drinks water*
Kokichi: I’m giving water a home.

 

Kokichi: Are memes an acceptable currency yet?

 

Kokichi: Besides, since when have drapes been flammable anyway?
Liam: Since always, Kokichi! Drapes have always been flammable!

 

Kokichi: I’m a child of the internet. I can’t live without my dank memes

 

Liam: Don’t you two get started right now!
Funtimes and Kokichi: We didn’t do anything?
Liam: But you could have!

 

Kokichi: I’m friendly, I’m loyal, I’m energetic…
Kokichi: I just described a dog, didn’t I?
Liam: Well yeah, but people love dogs.

 

Taylor Swift: I can transform into a snake.
Kokichi: gasp It’S a DaNgER NoODLe

 

Liam: Look, I’m going to be frank.
Kokichi: Okay, can I still be Kokichi?

 

Kokichi:  Son of a frENCH TOAST!

 

Funtimes:  *sings It’s Raining Men while sprinkling glitter in the trash can*


Nighthound: Can I just say that we don’t have a misogyny problem in this empire and some of us are just victims in this situation?
Lightwards: That’s probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Nighthound?
Literally everyone in the world: *raises hands*

 

Lucentia: I know it may look like I was being like a whiny loser, but that's only because I was acting like a whiny loser.

 

Nighthound: Who’s ready for a new week of fun?
Liam, from behind a stack of tables: Sorry! Nobody’s here!
Jacklyn, with Taya, C4, Kokichi, Liam, Nathan, Sam, Revolution, Ray, Megan, and Impact also behind the tables: Maybe he’ll just go away?

 

Liam: Is that blood?!
Kokichi: No?
Liam: You’re not supposed to answer with another question!

 

Red, commenting on a picture of Nighthound on social media: Why can’t I find a guy like this?
Nighthound, through Taya’s account: Hey
Red: No.
Nighthound: I’m literally the guy in the picture.

 

Kokichi: *nearly dies to stupid things completely out of their control*
Kokichi: J... just as planned!

 

Ray: I like my coffee as I like my men.
Red: But you only drink tea?
Ray: *looks into the camera like she’s on the office*

 

Kokichi: Where can I find some self esteem on sale?
Adventurer: Did someone say steam sale?

 

Kokichi: There are no bad ideas, Lee, only great ideas that go horribly wrong.

 

Kokichi: I don’t need to go inside a haunted house, I already feel fear in my daily life!

 

Arabella: Once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up! :)
Kokichi: You underestimate me. I’ve brought a pickaxe and I’m ready to dig. 

 

Calamity: Dying sucks! How do you living mortal beings cope with mortality? 
Impact: Violent outbursts. 
Red: General promiscuity. 
Kokichi: Through denial, I’m immortal! 

 

Nighthound: Admit it, Ray, you’ve fallen for me.
Ray: I didn’t fall, you freaking tripped me!

 

Snickers commercial: You’re not you when you’re hungry
Kokichi, always hungry: Who am I.

 

Nighthound: It’s annoying when people hate me for no reason, like there are so many good reasons to hate me just pick one.

 

Ray: I went into this year with a “Yeah! Everything is going to be great!” attitude and now I sort of want to die.

 

Kokichi: I’m actually pretty cool, just give me like five tries to get it right.

 

Moral Guardian: Watch your language!
Ray: Oh, ****, sorry.

 

Unicyclist: So the wind whispers to me...
Nathan: What wind? We’re inside a building.

 

Lightwards: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t care about them.
Nathan: That’s a genius move.
Lightwards: Thank you.
Nathan: You’re welcome, Lester.

 

Ray: Portland holds a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some...
Ray: Actually, they were all bad.

 

Ray: I like the way we say “oh man” when we’re disappointed.
Ray: Because men are disappointing.

 

Red: I love you.
Jacklyn: I need space.
Red: I        love         you

 

Quota: Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating. 
Electro: Really?
Timeport: Yeah. You’d starve to death, but it technically was the rest of your life. 

 

Nathan: Roasting me is ineffective because you can’t tell me worse things than I think of myself already.

 

Kokichi: There are so many cat girls in anime? I don’t get it? Where are all the dog girls?
Kokichi: I just remembered an anime with a dog girl and immediately regretted this post.
Megan: Wait, what anime?
Kokichi: Fullmetal alchemist.

 

Kokichi, googling: how to look cool even though you’re 5 feet tall and look like you’re 11

 

Kokichi: I’m just a jerk with feelings. 

 

Kokichi: I get really offended when people tell me I’m going to hell for being trans because I feel like they’re overlooking all the other perfectly valid reasons I’m going to hell. 

 

Impact: We love being twins!
MV: Sometimes we even finish each other’s—
Impact: We kill humans together!

 

Red: Remember when your parents told you to take out the trash? I’m trash. They were telling you to take me out. Date me.

 

Kokichi: Mentally ill? Nah, I’m mentally SICK!
Kokichi: My brain does cool flips while wearing shades and I cry a lot. 

 

Kokichi: There is a fine line between being sassy and a jerk and I cross it every day. 

 

Nighthound: People think that I’m cruel but I have the heart of a child. 
Nighthound: Four or five of them.
Nighthound: Actually, I have a collection.

 

Liam: You stay positive. You always believe that everything is going to work out. How do you do it?
Kokichi, upbeat: Well, I’ll tell you my secret, sir. 
Kokichi: I lie to myself. 
Kokichi: Every morning, when I wake up, I say everything’s going to be okay, but I’m lying, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. 
Kokichi: Have a swell night, sir!

 

Red: You're like an angel with no wings.
Crimson: So, like a person...

 

Kokichi: Let me explain something to you, Lee. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Kokichi. Act."
Liam: So you weren't thinking.
Kokichi: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

 

Red, to Crimson: Do you want me to postpone the rest of today’s meetings? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!

 

Kokichi: I just want you to know that if you say ‘go cause a distraction’ what I hear is ‘go cause an explosion’

 

Kokichi: I don’t have insomnia, I have internet access

 

Kokichi: I am what the psychological community calls “a huge freaking mess.”


Kokichi: How big does the spider have to be before arson counts as self-defense?

 

Red: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

 

Liam: You’re ignoring all your problems.
Kokichi: Yeah I know.
Liam: You know that’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, right? 
Kokichi: Yeah, I know. I’m kind of ignoring that too.

 

 

Kokichi: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

 

Ray: What’s wrong with you?!
Red: Almost everything.

 

Kokichi: I am a ninja assassin. The silent killer. My victims never know I’m coming because I don’t say a word, they look around and don’t see anything so they drop their guard and what they don’t realize is that I’m lurking in the shadows silently watching! *laughs loudly*
Liam: Yeah, you are very quiet.

 

Ray: Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like your eyes and brain should be bleached and you should live in church for a year to be cleansed of your sins?
Red: Send it to me.

 

Kokichi, singing: You better watch out! You better watch out! You better watch out!

 

Kokichi: Don't talk down to me.
Nighthound: Well, I could hardly talk up to you. You're too short.

 

Liam: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for 4-5 seconds.
Kokichi: 45 SECONDS?!
Liam: No! FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS!
Kokichi: TOO LATE!


Red: I thought you were dead!
Nighthound: Do I look like the kind of man who dies?

 

Liam: Are you sugaring your burrito?
Kokichi: Food is anarchy, Lee. Live by your own rules.

 

Liam: What are we doing?
Kokichi: Wasting our lives.
Liam: I meant for lunch.

 

Megan: Kokichi, is it true that you spent three days in the trunk of Liam’s van to scare him?
Kokichi: No.
Liam: It was five.

 

Voidgaze: Words ending in “ie” are just so adorable! Like “cookie”, “sweetie”, “cutie”…
Kokichi: Eyyyy, “homie”!
Liam: But then there’s “cootie”.
Ray: Uh. You’re forgetting “die”.

 

Kokichi: Of course I care about all my friends equally.
*five minutes later*
Megan: We were attacked while you were away.
Kokichi: IS LEE OKAY?!

 

Voidgaze: Hey, you still angry?
Ray: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Nighthound for it to work?

 

Ray: Who cares about unconditional love? Hate keeps me up at night.

 

Kokichi: I’m the kind of person who likes to think things through!
Liam: Kokichi, I once saw you try to eat a marshmallow that was still on fire.

 

Red: Let me run this bi you.
Voidgaze: Let’s pan this out.
Kokichi: Let’s ace-sess the situation.
Ray: I’m gay.
Voidgaze: Thank you very much for your contribution.

 

Kokichi: We gotta respect women!
Nighthound: If she breaths, she’s a thot.
Kokichi: ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS, NIGHTHOUND.

 

Kokichi, after buying an Alexa and 24 Roombas: Alexa, unleash the Roombas.
*24 Roombas slowly emerge from under Kokichi’s bed, consuming everything in their path*

 

Arabella: You know, you’re a lot less cute when you’re talking.
Kokichi: You think I’m cute?

 

Nighthound: As you may recall, patience isn’t one of my virtues.
Nighthound: Well, I don’t have any virtues. But if I did, I’m pretty sure patience wouldn’t be one of them.
Nighthound: You’re trying my non-patience.

 

Funtimes: I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.

 

Red: One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.

 

Lucentia: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm powerful.

 

Lucentia: Get in, losers, we’re going shopping.

 

Red: Dear diary. My teen angst now has a body count. 

 

Arabella: If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human. You’d be a game show host.

 

Lucentia: I shop, therefore I am.

 

Sam: Ray, you look like hell.
Ray: Yeah? I just got back.

 

Ray: You’re a rebel? You think you’re a rebel? You’re not a rebel, you’re just freaking psychotic!

 

Nighthound, on Lucentia: She’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.

 

Kokichi: I am the Darkness! I am Pure Evil! Fear me!
Liam: No, no, that’s Nighthound. You’re more like a vanilla cupcake with a surprisingly diverse ever changing layer of frosting. 
 

Liam: Tell them where they can stick their grapes, Kokichi!
Kokichi: IN THE FRIDGE!
Liam: No!


Gem, vaguely uncomfortably trying to have a conversation: So… are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Red: I’m the knife!
Crimson, from across the room: She’s the little spoon. 

 

Deathwish: What that mouth do?
Oblivion: It can recite bible verses.

 

Taya: Please. Shut up. 
Kokichi: I like the sound of my own voice, and I won’t apologize for that!

 

Kokichi: Who’s dead? Besides everyone I love!

 

Kokichi: Lee isn’t here, so I’m going to cut off all of my shirt sleeves.
Megan: What does Liam not being here have to do with anything? 
Kokichi: He’s, like, eighty percent of my impulse control.

 

Kokichi: My demons are chasing me, and they’re doing the Naruto run.

 

Megan: *clears throat* So… Kokichi… do you have a crush on someone?
Kokichi: The only crush I have is crushing anxiety.

 

Ray: Anyone else gay and angry on this Wednesday night?
Red: I’m bi and annoyed, does that count?

 

Sam: I’m like Hot Topic the person.

 

Liam: Kokichi, my coolness cannot withstand your adorableness.

 

Nighthound: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Taya: Uh… you should.

 

Ray: Out of all my body parts, I’m pretty sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls every day.

 

Kokichi: Love is dead and always was. You betrayed me and left me to rot away all on my own. You’re the definition of dread.
Liam: Are you okay?
Kokichi: Jade stole my freakin garlic bread.

 

Nighthound: You’re too late! You’ll never stop me now!
Taya: That’s where you’re wrong, Nighthound! We will stop you with the powers of...
Kokichi: Friendship!
Megan: Harmony!
Liam: Familial bonds!
Ray: Incredible violence.
Voidgaze: And love!

 

Nighthound: Did I make some mistakes? Yes.
Nighthound: Did I ONLY make mistakes? Yes.
Nighthound: But did it all work out in the end? Kind of!

 

Nighthound: That’s your opinion, but can you give me an objective reason why the slaughter of innocents is wrong?

 

Red: Two years ago, my favorite boyfriend died on me.
Nighthound: I’M NOT DEAD, SUCKERS!!!
Red: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

 

Red: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Red: But if you say Jacklyn isn't beautiful, I will be forced to correct your vision.

 

Lightwards: What is your greatest weakness?
Nighthound: I can be uncooperative.
Lightwards: Can you give me an example?
Nighthound: No.

 

Kokichi: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

 

Ray: And then Nighthound died.
Red: Ray, stop trying to make Nighthound’s death a thing. It’s not going to happen. 

 

Liam, to Kokichi: This is your badness level. It’s unusually high for someone your size.

 

Kokichi: I’ve never been in a snow ball fight.
Liam: Really?
Kokichi: I don’t even know the rules. Is there a point system or is it to the death?

 

Kokichi: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life. 
Liam: Please, never become a surgeon.

 

Liam: Oh, Kokichi’s at that very special age when a teenager has only one thing on their mind.
Megan: Love?
Kokichi: Homicide.

 

Liam: You doing okay? You scared?
Kokichi: I'm scared you won't let me make a flamethrower and use it to throw flame.
Liam: You're right, I will not let you do that.

 

Nottley: The point is, if you lie all the time, nobody’s going to believe you, even when you’re telling the truth.
Taya: Are you sure that’s the point?
Nottley: Of course. What else could it be?
Taya: That you should never tell the same lie twice.

 

Lightwards: A guy like you with your power? I think you’d make a great asset.
Nighthound: I agree. That’s why I got into government. To help me.

 

Kokichi: Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the heck out of your enemies.

 

Epoch: I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. I don’t trust coincidences.

 

Nighthound: A deal is a deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.

 

Nighthound: Because lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence, you have to practice constantly.
Lightwards: Practice on someone else.

 

Liam: Do you really believe your own hype that much?
Kokichi: I AM THE HYPE.

 

Red: What’s the way to a man’s heart?
Ray: Through his chest with a sharp implement.

 

Voidgaze: Here’s a terrifying thought: what if some people are just jerks at heart? Would Nighthound still have been Nighthound if he had gotten into art school?
Ray: He would have got WORSE, Voidgaze. The only thing worse than Nighthound is a slightly more pretentious Nighthound! The only thing that could maybe stop him would be Poetry Major Altermind, but I don’t think any of us would survive it.

 

Nathan: Okay, okay, okay. Why don’t we just put this to a vote, and then we’ll be done with it.
Lucentia: I’m not voting.
Nathan: No one cares.

 

Nathan: This is Funtimes, and she is in charge of…something…right?
Funtimes: That is correct.

 

Lucentia: Die, enemies of Astoria! Perish in agony!
Ray: She’s almost as annoying as you.
Nighthound: Impossible. No one bests Nighthound.

 

Red: Nighthound has a challenging personality.
Ray: What she means is, he’s mostly a jerk, but sometimes, every once in a while, he can be mean.

 

Nathan: In summation, I think you just got to not do it. That’s all.
Funtimes: I understand what you’re saying, and your comments are valuable, but I’m gonna ignore your advice.

 

Megan: Have care how you speak. Allison is beyond reason, but she is of the Pierce family, and she is my sister.
Liam: She killed eighty people in two days.
Megan: She’s... adopted?
 

 

Liam: Time to get serious. Kokichi, put on your game face.
Kokichi:
Liam: Not your gay face, your game face.
Kokichi: They’re the same face.

 

Nighthound: Hey, you don’t want to mess with my sister. She’ll wear down your self esteem over a period of years. 

 

Kokichi: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Nobody knows but everyone thinks I’m hot so that makes everyone gay. 

 

Kokichi: I’d offer my moral support, but I have questionable morals.

 

Ray: I'm gay and confused.
Ray: Not about being gay, I just never know what the heck is going on.

 

Crimson, about Red: She’s like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgement.

 

Nathan: I love being a pessimist because when bad things happens I get to be right, and when good things happens hey that’s a good thing I’ll take it.

 

Taya: If you make one more freaking joke, I’m going to hit you.
Kokichi: Don’t you mean you’ll pun-ch me?
Taya: ...
Kokichi, sprinting away as fast as he can: I REGRET NOTHING

 

Ray, bitterly with a bitter expression: I’m not bitter. 

 

Faith: So, we need a plan.
Red: Stab everyone.
Faith: One that goes further than stabbing everyone.

 

Kokichi: I admit that some of this is my fault.
Liam: Pfft.
Kokichi: Much of it is my fault.
Liam: Almost all.

 

Liam: Don’t do anything I would do, and definitely don’t do anything I wouldn't do.
Liam: There’s a little grey area in there, and that’s where you operate.

 

Ray: Dear life, when I said, "Can my life get any worse?”, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

 

Liam: Just ignore him, Taya. They’ll eventually burn themself out.

Kokichi:  That's what you think! I'm an eternal flame, baby!

 

Nighthound: You cannot possibly be this stupid.
Kokichi: Don't you dare underestimate me!

 

Kokichi: *walks by a mirror*
Kokichi: *stops in their tracks, goes back to the mirror*
Kokichi: *does finger guns at their reflection*
Kokichi: *continues walking*

 

Red: You’re probably one of those beautiful women who doesn’t even know it.
Crimson: No, I know it.

 

Kokichi: Have I ever put you in an unsafe situation?
Liam: All the time!
Kokichi: Then you should be used to it by now.

 

Liam: Remember that particularly idiotic thing you did?
Kokichi: Listen, Lee, you're gonna have to be a bit more specific there

 

Funtimes: Alright, listen up you meanie buttfaces.
Funtimes: Not you, Traveller. You're an angel and I'm thrilled you're here.

 

Red: In case, you’ve already forgotten, Ray is the worst. And that’s not just jealousy talking, I’d say that to her face.
*Ray shows up at the door*
Ray: Red, I need your help.
Red: You’re the worst.
*slams door*
Red: See?

 

Ray: “What the heck” is an emotion now and it's the only one I have.

 

Taya: You know I hate it when you make up words.
Kokichi: Are you still mad at me for saying "snacksident"?
Taya: Yes, very.

 

Red: If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It’s whatevs.

 

Red: In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

 

Kokichi: Oh yes my criminal record? The only illegal thing I’ve done is absolutely KILLIN it on the dance floor
Kokichi: Haha! Just kidding!
Kokichi: I’ve killed a man

 

Kokichi: I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. When I was a kid, people would ask me my top three colleges. I was like, top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a truck, with my hand hanging out of a tail light by now..

 

Nighthound: And to the right you can see me, ruining everything. 

 

Red: While you were busy being heterosexual, I studied blades.
Liam: Where are you going?

 

Kokichi: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.

 

Kokichi: I’ve invited 17 people to come and watch a movie, would you come?
Liam: Sure, but why so many people?
Kokichi: Because the DVD said 18+ viewers
Liam: Wait…what?

 

Ray: It’s over. We won.
Taya, possessed: *slowly stands up in the back*
Ray: No. We won. I’m not gonna turn around and look at it. We won.

 

Fortune teller, reading Ray’s palm: It just says “yikes.”

 

Voidgaze: Ray? Are...are you okay?
Ray: Short answer or long answer?
Voidgaze: Short answer.
Ray: No.
Voidgaze: Long answer?
Ray: Absolutely not.

 

Nighthound: Hi, I’m here to ruin everything. 


Kokichi: Spice up your life with a bit of reckless and impulsive behavior!


Kokichi: I may be short but that doesn’t mean you’re not about to experience the wrath of a god. 

 

Nathan: And I said “I’m an Epic.” You know… like a liar.

 

Funtimes: It’s summer! I got my hat on backwards, and it’s time to party!
Funtimes: *hits head on garage door*
 

Kokichi: Subtlety is key.
Liam: You were dressed like a cowboy.

 

Kokichi: I don’t have a train of thought, I have seven trains on four tracks that all narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

 

Taya: What happened to your face?!
Liam, with scratches all over his face: Megan tried to get Kokichi to chase a laser pointer.
Taya: ….so, why are you the one scratched up, and not her?
Liam: I was in the way.
Taya: ….of Megan?
Liam: ….of the laser pointer….

 

Kokichi: Why don’t you go start a ruiner's club? Oh wait, you’d probably ruin it.
Nighthound: Well then, I’d be doing a good job, because it’s a ruiner’s club.
Kokichi: You RUINED my analogy!

 

Megan: So why are you two taking family counseling?

Liam: They keep using ordinary phrases wrong and its driving me crazy!

Kokichi: Oh cry me a table, Liam!

 

Kokichi: Gamer culture is blaming Todd Howard for everything. 
Arabella: You haven’t played video games for over five years.
Kokichi: I can’t believe Todd Howard made you roast me like that. 

 

Red: It’s only kinkshaming if I’m ashamed. 

 

Nathan: If you ever feel stupid, just remember that one time me and Funtimes--a teleporter and one of the most powerful Epics I know-- were on an elevator for 15 minutes panicking and thinking we were stuck, only to find out that neither of us had pressed any buttons when we first got on.

 

Liam: I’m going to the store, you want anything?
Kokichi: A will to live.
Liam: I’ll get you some candy.

 

Liam: What the heck?
Kokichi: You’re going to need to be more specific. I do a lot of “what the heck” kind of things. 

 

Kokichi: REM gave me unrealistic expectations for how I'd feel at the end of the world as we know it

 

Liam: How do you just eat when there’s a dead body laying there?
Kokichi: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

 

Kokichi: So am I in trouble?
Liam: Take a guess.
Kokichi: No?
Liam: Take another guess.

 

Kokichi: Studies show that I am cute.
Liam: Source?
Kokichi: Myself.

 

Red: I thought you were straight.
Ray: Straight? Me? 

 

Nighthound: Just curious, is there a reason your knife is still pointed at me?
Red: Well, there's probably still some part of me that wants to stab you.
Nighthound: I get that. 

 

Sam: Here’s a fun Christmas idea: hang mistletoe but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever is under it
Nathan: Mistlefoe!
Remington: SOMEONE'S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED


Lightwards: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who.

 

Taya: How are we doing?
Kokichi: It couldn’t get much worse!
[It gets worse] 
Kokichi: The universe just loves proving me wrong, doesn’t it.
Taya: Well, you make it so easy. 

 

Blank: I beg your pardon?
Kokichi: Then beg.
 

Kokichi: You’re really crazy right now, you notice that? I think you’re just freaking out because you killed a guy today. Life goes on!

 

Funtimes: We must have pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
Kokichi: Don’t underestimate me. 

 

Kokichi: Be honest. What’s messier, my life or my hair?

 

Liam: If you’ve got any questions, just ask.
Kokichi: If a bear and a shark got into a fight, who would win?
Liam: If you’ve got any relevant questions, just ask.

 

Kokichi: I’m 100 pounds of paper thin skin and fragile bones, sarcasm is my only defense.

Some more incorrect quotes I accidentally posted before I finished formatting them!

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5 hours ago, winter devotion said:
  Reveal hidden contents

 

Calamity: Tag what you intend on majoring in!

Nathan: Respecting Woman 

Remington: bat man

Funtimes: minecraft
The Unicyclist : weed

Revolution: W

Sam: Criminal justice and psychology. 

Ray: i’m terrified that i’ll lock myself into an interest that i’ll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study i’ve pursued over my life!

Red: Minecraft

Neverthere: minecraft as well

 

Kokichi: Welcome to apple bees, would you like the apples or the bees?

Nathan: What?

Funtimes: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!!

Kokichi: BEES!

 

Taya: That sounds like a horrible plan.

Kokichi: Oh, I've had worse.

 

Kokichi: It’s all fun and games until it’s not that anymore.

 

Kokichi: Has anyone else had that horrifying moment where you look around for an adult and realize you are one?

 

Kokichi: I’m looking extremely normal today.

 

Kokichi: Man, repressing your emotions is great!

 

Kokichi: Frickin’ superb, you funky little lesbian!

Ray: I’m taller than you.

 

Lucentia: Do you ever see your sibling and just have this overwhelming urge to smack them for no reason? Like my brother will walk into the room and I’m like “oh man i guess i have to end you”

 

Kokichi: Yes, I am fully aware that I am The WorstTM, but I still wanna be like... loved and stuff.

 

Kokichi: Who else is stupid and eats bread?

 

Kokichi: You can’t outmeme me.

 

Kokichi: Don’t worry, I have a permit.

Liam, holding up a piece of paper: This just says, “I can do what I want.”

Kokichi:

 

Ray: My neutral expression makes me look like I’m always in a bad mood, which is convenient because it’s usually true. 

 

Kokichi: Oversized hoodies.

Kokichi: You think they’re clothes, but they’re actually wearable hugs.

 

Kokichi, at 3am: Everyone talks about the astral plane, like theres only one. so if I were to go to there, would I see other people who are projecting themselves too? What if there is more than one astral plane? What if it’s like a video game server and you get different people each time you project? I need answers. Adventurer, are you listening? I need answers. 

Adventurer:
Kokichi:
Adventurer: Holy moly.

 

Kokichi: Drugs? No thanks. The only “high” I need is the natural rush you get when committing a murder. 

Kokichi: Just kidding. I have an addiction to sugar.

Kokichi: Yeah, I’m beautiful, but where’s my mental stability? 

 

Kokichi: I say “fight me” way too much for someone who has to hold back tears when someone yells at me.

 

Taya: You think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.

 

 

Kokichi: What do you say, Lee?

Liam: I have some concerns. 

 

Kokichi: I’ve done, like, 14 things in my life, and I regret 20 of them.

 

Kokichi: What doesn’t kill you will give you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really weird sense of humor. 

 

Liam: I honestly don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Kokichi: We should attack Nighthound with hummus.

Liam: I stand corrected.

 

Kokichi: Good news! I’ve successfully replaced all of my emotions with jokes.

 

Kokichi: And the moral of my story is never have feelings ever. 

 

Liam: Ninety percent of my vocabulary lately has been “what?”

 

Kokichi: Which is messier, my hair or my life?

Ray: 

 

Kokichi: Let’s have a moment of silence for all my wasted potential.

 

Kokichi: I could take like a lot of people in a fight. Like more than five.

 

Kokichi, a lesbian icon: Let’s go lesbians!

 

Kokichi: My general reaction to things that could kill me is to poke it with a stick.

 

Kokichi: Ugggh, how do you maples handle this normal reality nonsense! I think I pulled a muscle.

Liam: Yeah, you can’t pull what you don’t have.

 

Kokichi, entering their own password: I’m in.

 

Kokichi: There is a fun game I play with myself before, during, and after I fall asleep.

Kokichi: it’s called screaming and the rules are simple. 

 

Voidgaze: Living well is the best revenge. 

Ray: Yeah, but I’m obviously not going to do that.

Ray: What’s the second best revenge? Cutting their breaks, right.

 

Kokichi: Sorry for all the murders. I am learning and hope to grow from this experience.

 

Kokichi: Have you ever met someone who was like sunshine in human form?

 

Sam: My goth phase never went away. It just aged like fine wine. 

 

Lightwards: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me. 

 

Kokichi: If you bottle up your emotions for long enough, you can use them like Molotov cocktails. 

 

Kokichi, gesturing to themself: You’ve heard of sweet summer child.

Kokichi, gesturing to Ray: Now get ready for salty winter adult. 

 

Kokichi: Yikes, you’re so dark. Are you sure you’re not the DC cinematic universe?

Nighthound:

 

Arabella, five years ago: You’ll understand when you’re older.

Kokichi: Well, now I’m older and I understand absolutely nothing.

Ray: I actually understand less. 

 

Liam: How do you even function.

Kokichi: Sugar and emotional repression.

 

 

Kokichi: look i dont know how to make you feel better if you start crying but i could murder someone if that would help?

 

Kokichi: Once I figure out how to be awesome and sane, it’s over for you losers.

 

Lucentia: It seems like in all my failures a reoccurring factor is everyone else, which is where the blame should fall.

 

Ray: This just in. I’m gay.

 

Ray: Look, you can let bad experiences turn you petty and bitter, but you can also chose to become angry and violent.

 

Ray: I can’t tell if I have anxiety or if this is just how being alive feels like now.

 

Funtimes: I didn’t come here to make friends!

Funtimes, grinning: I came here to make BEST friends.

 

Revolution: Sure, we’re all terrified, but at least we’re all terrified together!

 

Ray, experiencing happiness: What the heck was that.

 

Nathan: Relationships are great if you never want to understand what’s going on. 

 

Ray: This is definitely one of the weirder times to be alive.

 

Kokichi: I am a person with a single goal in life: To upgrade every fracas to a ruckus.

 

Liam: You need to let this stress go.

Kokichi: Nah, I’m gonna let this stress kill me.

 

Kokichi: I’d probably apologizing more if I didn’t hate lying to people.

 

Kokichi: If you’ve never been in cahoots with someone,

 

Kokichi: I can’t find it.

Megan: What are you looking for?

Kokichi: My happiness.

Liam, coming into the room: Hey, can you help me out with something?

Kokichi:

Kokichi: There it is.

 

Kokichi: I hate people. Life sucks, nothing good ever happens-

Arabella: [walks in]

Kokichi: A miracle has just occurred, my skin is clear, my crops are watered, I feel whole again.

 

Kokichi: Lets see, where were we.

Kokichi: Right! The pit of despair.

 

Kokichi: And they were roommates.

Kokichi:

Megan, sighing: Oh my god, they were roommates.

 

Adventurer: I don’t age. I level up.

 

Kokichi, isolating themself: Perfect, but why am I sad?

 

Kokichi: I would kill for a job as an assassin. 

Liam:

 

Kokichi: Whose side is Red on?

Ray: At the moment?

 

Kokichi: Am I dramatic? Yes. Is it justified? Also yes.

 

Kokichi: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! 

Kokichi: It’s me trying to outrun my feelings! There I go.

 

Kokichi: Crying is very punk, trust me, I do it all the time and I’m hella punk.

 

Kokichi. I don’t want to look pretty, I want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening.

 

Kokichi: Oh yeah, the Russian Revolution, or, as I like to call it, tsar wars. 

 

Kokichi: Oh, is that what you’re calling yourself now, ‘Taya?’

Taya: 

Liam: That’s... her name.

 

Kokichi: Are your muscles are so big because they’re filled with respect women juice?

 

Kokichi: Ugh. Computers.

Kokichi: Once mine said, “press any button to continue,” so I pressed the power button.

Kokichi: Guess what happened?

Liam: It turned off.

Kokichi: How was I supposed to know that?

 

Kokichi: I am so mad at you, you stupid edgehog, you’re going to hear it now.

Kokichi: *leaves*

Kokichi: *brings back a stool*

Klkichi

Kokichi: Happy forth of July everyone! Don’t forget to leave out a bag of Doritos for Captain America!

Taya:

Megan, to Taya: Am I going to tell them or are you?

Liam: Don’t you dare ruin this for them.

 

Taya: Why is Kokichi sitting on the top of your van?
Liam: They like to feel tall. 


Kokichi: Welcome to apple bees, would you like the apples or the bees?
Liam: The bees?
Kokichi: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES. 

 

Kokichi: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

 

Kokichi: If you need me, I’ll be in a bad mood.

 

Kokichi, after hitting their hand on a table: OW! My armkle!

Taya: Your what now?

Liam, sighing: They mean their wrist.

 

Someone: So, like, are you dating anyone?

Kokichi: No, I have trust issues. *dabs*

 

 

Kokichi: I could really go for some upgamers right now. 

Liam: What’s upgamers?

Kokichi: WELCOME TO MY MINECRAFT YOUTUBE VIDEO. 

 

Kokichi: Being scientific doesn’t make you intellectually superior.

Kokichi: Being religious doesn’t make you morally superior.

Kokichi: But being a Minecraft youtuber? That makes you both.


The Unicyclist, from the bottom bunk : So, like, one of us is going to have to turn into an Epic. There’s four of us. Someone has to take one for the team.

Sam, on the top bunk: I love you but can you please go to sleep.

 

Kokichi, picking up a crying child: It’s okay, when you’re older, you’ll learn to do this on the inside.

 

Kokichi: I don’t see why people used to need driver’s ed. It’s just mario kart without all the power ups.

Liam: Please never drive.

 

Liam: Where is Taya?

Megan: I’ll do you one better— WHO is Taya? 

Kokichi: Well, I’ll do you one better— WHY is Taya?

Taya, mentally: But no one ever asks HOW is Taya, huh?

 

Taya: It’s 2025, please put the k back in thicc.

Kokichi: thikc

Taya: You know what, I’ll take it.

 

Liam: Kokichi, what would you have majored in?

Kokichi: PTSD

Kokichi: With a minor in ADHD

 

Taya, annoyed: You think you’re hilarious, don’t you?
Kokichi: Thought I realize you’re a little annoyed with me, and this might not be the time to shower myself with praise, honesty compels to tell you; yes. Yes, I do think I am hilarious. 

 

Ray: I love having guests over! It´s like being alone but worse

 

Taya: Don’t you say a word:

Kokichi: 

Kokichi: Fergalicious.

Taya: I said no words, Kokichi.

Kokichi:  Oh I see. Two weeks ago playing scrabble it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

 

Kokichi: Meanwhile, I will create a small distraction on the western flank.

Liam: I thought you said you were going to kill them all?

Kokichi: Yes. It will be the ultimate distraction.

 

Kokichi: What’s a freakshow?

Taya: It’s like this friendship, but people pay to see it. 

 

Nighthound: So how do you guys plan to deal with this?

Liam: Together.

Kokichi, at the top of their lungs and off key: we’rE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

 

Liam: Are you sure you’re okay?

Kokichi, crying: Yeah, it’s just these onions.

Liam: 

Liam: Those are potatoes.

 

Kokichi, repressing their feeling: This is so sad, Alexa play despatico.

 

Taya: Could you be any more annoying?

Kokichi: Yes!

 

Kokichi: Don’t mess with me! I have the power of God and anime on my side! 

 

Kokichi: The cause of my death will likely be having feelings.

 

Taya: Are you mad?

Kokichi: Possibly.

 

Funtimes: My two moods are glitter and death.

Kokichi: Oh worm.

 

Kokichi: Roses are red, violets are blue, poems are hard, bacon.

 

Kokichi, watching their heart get ripped out of their chest: Okay, first off, mood. 

 

Kokichi: I’m just trying to do my bestpatico.

 

Liam: Hey, are you alright?

Kokichi with no hesitation: *starts crying*

 

Kokichi, waking up: Oh no. Not again.

 

Taya: I’m not bitter.

Kokichi, narrating: She was bitter.

 

Kokichi: We can defeat Nighthound if we all T pose.

Liam: How about o pose, as in I oppose whatever it is you just said.

 

Kokichi: I HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS RINGING JING JING JINGLING

Taya: HALLOWEEN WAS NINE MINUTES AGO.

 

Kokichi: If I turn 69, I’ll probably be laughing about it for the whole year.

 

Kokichi, jumping over their feelings: Parkour.

 

Kokichi: WARNING I MAKE MISTAKES.

 

Kokichi: Yikes, this is emotional.

 

Kokichi: Guess what? I have flaws.

Kokichi: What are they? I sing in the shower. I cry during romantic comedies.

Liam: Kokichi, you’ve killed over one hundred people.

Kokichi: OKAY, and occasionally I’ll commit first degree murder. Are you happy now?

 

Ray: This was a 100% successful trip. 

Red: We lost Nighthound.
Ray: This was a 100% successful trip.

 

Nighthound: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.  

 

Kokichi: Balloons are so weird... “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

 

Kokichi, at their second rodeo: This ain’t my first rodeo. 

 

Nighthound: My only friend is the thrill of the killl. 

 

Kokichi: I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth months.

Red: Whoever ruined this should be stabbed.

David: If I recall, they did used to be corresponding months. It was just when Roman leaders JULius Caeser and AUGUSTus came into power, they added July and August, thusly throwing off the number.

Kokichi: Good news, whoever ruined the calendar did in fact get stabbed.

 

 

Kokichi: So here’s my plan. 

Kokichi: Step 1. You make fifteen identical cats.

Kokichi. Step 2. We invite someone over.

Kokichi: Step 3. When they ask how many cats we have, we say, “one but he’s really fast.”

Funtimes: That’s the best plan anyone has ever come up with.

Kokichi: I know.

 

Kokichi, walking up to a couple of straight adult High Epics far more powerful than they are: So which one of you is the bee and which one of you is the fully grown woman who left her husband for a bee?

 

Funtimes: I had a dream that the new lingo was “big yeet” and it meant something like “mood and I hate it”

Kokichi, talking out loud: op this post is a big yeet

Lightwards: How the hell does anyone learn English nowadays when we speak like this.

 

Kokichi: Power move- Saying “that’s treason” anytime somebody does something that mildly inconveniences you.

Revolution: Lightwards ghostwrote this post.

Sam: Awfully bold of you to assume Lightwards could spell inconveniences.

 

Ray: When I was in history class, I was always thinking, “Wow, humans have been through some fascinating stuff. I wonder if I’ll ever live through major historical events.”

Ray: Nowadays, it’s been more like, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE.”

C4: it was supposed to be space travel why wasn’t it space travel 

 

 

Kokichi: What if the only reason we can’t walk through mirrors is because our reflection blocks us.

Sam: What if they’re protecting us? What if they know the other side is horrifying and painful and they are trying to keep us from ever crossing over?

Ray: I must be on the wrong side of the mirror then.

Revolution: maybe you’re the reflection 

 

Ray: Millennial culture is having two wildly different conversations with the same person on two different apps at the same time.

Kokichi: Conversation 1- cheese borgor lol

Kokichi: Conversation 2: thats why i think im afraid of making myself vulnerable because he taught me i needed to pretend to be whatever people wanted me to be over who i really am

 

Funtimes: The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

Nighthound: I disembowl. It’s what I do.

Kokichi: I’d sell you to Satan for one corn chip.

Taya: “This is wonderful! This is going to be fine! I love this!” I was soon to change my mind, however.

Red: I love you despite the warning signs. 

Quietus: I preen for Satan.

Lucentia: My emotions have three outlets: haughty silence, tears, and rage. 

Nathan: Finally, he gathered himself together and spoke. “What the heck?”

Ray: I find you deeply disturbing.

Liam: Dealing with you is like herding cats.

Shiny Sparkle: My modus operandi is to turn up the awesome and break the knob off.

FunSparkles: I’m addicted to sparkly things.

Lightwards: The night might’ve passed peacefully if it hadn’t gotten real.

Autumn: I meditate mostly for a fifteen minute break from this nightmare.

Timeport: Looking for trouble and if I cannot find it, I will create it. 

Adventurer: I have a natural talent for being irrational.

Quota: My only crime was that I was down to clown. 

Seth: He proclaimed his undying loyalty and asked me to do the same. I had to fight the urge to laugh.

Also Kokichi: My crazy runs wide and it runs deep.

 

Funtimes: I wish more foods were named in the same vein as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”

Revolution: You’ve Got To Be Pulling My Leg, THIS Is Ranch??

Sam: This is not soup.

Kokichi: breadn’t

 

David: I have seven new notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them, any suggestions?

Funtimes: put spaghetti in it.

David: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you.

Kokichi: put spaghetti in it.

David: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except the two of you.

Firefight: put spaghetti in it.

David: I am no longer taking suggestions.

 

Nighthound: My therapist once told me I have an obsession with seeking revenge. We’ll see about that. 

 

Kokichi: i admire so many of you and wish we had closer relationships but i’m bad at friends

 

Kokichi: Sometimes you just need to lie on the floor.

 

Kokichi, facedown on the floor: listen everything is totally fine.

 

Kokichi, when they disagree with someone: DING DONG, YOU’RE WRONG. 

 

Also Kokichi disagreeing with someone: OBJECTION!

 

Kokichi: I always have the urge to grab a pigeon but like what would I do if I actually caught it.

 

Nighthound: Why do women cry when they’re angry?

Kokichi: Because they realize that it is borderline impossible to murder you... and that’s frustrating.

 

Kokichi: New year, new (ani)me!

 

Kokichi: You’ve fallen victim to the old razzle dazzle!

 

Kokichi: I love anime.

Kokichi: Hey, Lee, I need help.

Liam: Ask your friend Naruto.

 

Kokichi: ...I wish I was a Roomba… then I could be free...

 

Liam: You think this is a bad idea?

Kokichi: Without a doubt.

Liam: Then why are you smiling?

Kokichi: Because bad ideas are my favorite kind!

 

Kokichi: rubber is steel lol its all just atoms 

Funtimes: New philosophy: this but unironically. 

 

Liam: What is with this lost sassy child?

 

Kokichi: If you come any closer, I will kashoot you. In the face.

 

Funtimes: What if mayonnaise came in cans?

Kokichi: That would suck because you can’t microwave metal.

Lightwards, “No fun allowed”: Good morning to everyone except those two.

 

Liam: So what did you do when she said she thought of you like her own child?

Kokichi: I panicked and dabbed.

 

Kokichi: Self care is drinking 3 pots of coffee, and getting into a knife fight with God.

 

Kokichi, talking in Helvetia: Sometimes I get emotional over fonts.

 

Ray: I started high school with straight As and now I’m not even straight.

 

Metal: Opinions are like mixtapes; I don’t want to hear yours.


Remington: This has Nighthound’s fingerprints all over it.

Sam: Our arch enemy!
Sam: ...Well, your arch enemy. I, um...you know, I don’t think he even knows my name.

 

Nathan: If you want to defuse this moment of genuine vulnerability with a silly joke, I understand.

Funtimes: Well, now that you've called it, there's no point!

 

Calamity: Give me one good reason  why I  shouldn’t punch your face in.

Nighthound: It would be way too rewarding.
Kokichi: My mom specifically instructed me to have a good day.
Taylor Swift: I’ll open my mouth and swallow your whole arm. 

Ray: I’d rather just do it myself. 

Red: Your fist is so pristine.
Deathwish: Judge said I’d go to jail if someone punched me in the face one more time.

Funtimes: Wounding me emotionally would pay much higher dividends.
Blank: When you move in to punch me, I’m going to hold a bucket up in front of your face, and then your fist will just punch the inside of an empty bucket and you’ll look ridiculous. 

 

 

Ray: Not today, Satan 

Satan: You’ve been canceling our plans for weeks now. If it’s something I said, please just tell me.

 

Remington: Lightwards, my archenemy.

Nighthound: I thought I was your archenemy.

Remington: People have lives outside of you.
Nighthound: It’s cute how you think that. 

 

Re: Nighthound trying to kill them.

Lightwards: We're moving past that.

Funtimes: Are we?

Nathan: Who's 'we'?

Lightwards: I am! I am leading by example.

Nathan: WE are going to sit in it for a while.

 

In a therapy meeting:

Liam: How about we go around in a circle and each say what’s bothering us?

Kokichi: Nothing’s bothering me.

Taya: So it looks like Kokichi struggles with honesty.

Kokichi: I — DIE YOU EMO BORINGFACE.

 

Ray: They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and most people don’t like me without changing some aspect of what I am.

 

Red: If I died, how much would you miss me?

Nighthound: It’s cute how you think death can get you out of this relationship.


Kokichi: I am very small.
Kokichi: And I have no money.
Kokichi: So you can imagine the stress I’m under. 

 

Kokichi, scooting a dead body away from them with their foot: I do not kill people. That is… my least favorite thing to do. 

 

Nathan: My anxiety has kept me up for over fifty hours.

Nathan: *laughs*

 

 Liam: I know you're not used to this, but maybe you should just try to keep it chill and see what happens.

Kokichi: Great advice. Impossible to follow, but great advice.

 

Liam: Could pass the salt, Kokichi?

Kokichi: I would, but I don’t think Ray would like it if I picked her up.

Ray: ...

 

Kokichi: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

 

Funtimes: Hmmm… doesn’t sound very fun.
Nathan: Does the end of the world sound more fun? 

 

Karabiner: What the heck are you made of?

Kokichi: Flesh and poor life choices.

 

Nighthound: I’m a power couple with myself. I love us. We work hard.

 

Megan, talking to Liam: Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

Kokichi, interrupting: An apple can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

 

Kokichi: The day I let some furry stab me to death is the day I die.

Taya, managing to overcome the possession for a moment because of how stupid they sound: Yes, that is how being stabbed to death works.

Kokichi: Quiet, I’m trying to sound cool in front of the super op edgehog.

 

Funtimes: We can use our friendship bracelets! Friendship is the greatest magic of all!

Nathan: …

Nathan: That’s not how magic works.

 

Kokichi: There's no i in 'team', but there's one in 'pizza’
Liam: So you're not going to share
Kokichi: I'm not going to share

 

 

Liam: Toss me the van keys!

Kokichi: *throws a printer... somehow*

Liam: I said the keys!

Kokichi: I’m sorry, I thought you said printer!
Liam: Why would I say printer?!

 

Red: I’m not angry with you, I was being playful. I stabbed you with my fun knife!

 

Liam, absentmindedly: If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same. 
Kokichi, also absentmindedly: So kill a whole bunch of them. 
Liam: What?
Kokichi: What? 

 

Ray, to Red: Oh, I’d like to give you something!
Ray: It’s a trash bin that reminded me of you.

 

Ray: So I went to target earlier and I was looking through the men’s clothing section and was comparing two shirts and this woman came up to me and literally said “Oh, how nice! You must be shopping for your boyfriend”. and I, without thinking, replied: “Nothing I do in life is ever for the sake of men”.

 

Taya: Who is this sassy lost child?

 

Kokichi: *takes a free sample twice*
Kokichi: I love robbery and fraud.

 

Nighthound: I would like to apologize to anyone who I have not yet offended. Be patient and I will get to you shortly.

 

Lightwards: Don’t joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offended me.

 

Kokichi: SMILING AT PEOPLE WHO HATE YOU IS THE BEST THING EVER!

 

Kokichi: People are always shooting down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two seconds in and everyone’s already shouting “what the heck, that’s illegal!” or “you can’t do that!” Let me talk.


Kokichi: Sure, I made mistakes when I was younger. But now that I’m older, I’ve learned how to make different, often far more serious mistakes!

 

Kokichi: “This is sure to end badly,” I say to myself as I continue doing it anyway.


Liam, to Kokichi: Sometimes we have thoughts but we don’t have to share them with everyone and put them out into the world. Just a suggestion. 


Lucentia: I won’t rest until I’ve complained about everything.


Nighthound: Is ruining people’s lives a hobby?


Kokichi: Am I dramatic?
Kokichi: Yes.
Kokichi: Is it justified?
Kokichi: Also yes.


Liam: Hey, have you heard of enjoying things in moderation?
Kokichi, deeply embedded in the only thing they’ve done or talked about for the last week: I have no idea what you mean. 


Kokichi: Isn’t it odd how people kill flys just because they’re annoying?
Kokichi: If people killed people for being annoying, I would’ve died like nineteen years ago. 

 

Kokichi: “I don’t care,” I say, caringly as I care deeply. 

 

Kokichi: Why am I so small and angry?

 

Kokichi: I’m actually pretty cool, just give me like five tries to get it right.


Nighthound: The first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself. 
 

Kokichi: I relate to the phrase ‘chillin like a villain’ because it shows that I’m calm but also ready to sin. 

 

Nighthound: Bad news everyone. 
Nighthound: I exist. 


Kokichi: I AM SO SORRY that i type like a very excited child , the truth is I’m very excited and I am a child

 

Vondra: I expected better from you.
Deathwish: Well that was your fault, I got nothing to do with that. 

 

Liam: Are you decent?
Kokichi: Not morally, but I’m wearing pants if that’s what you’re asking.

 

Nathan: Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life, stuff just happens and I’m like, “oh, is this what we’re doing now?”

 

Kokichi, repressing their emotions: An anime episode a day keeps the horrible reality away!

 

Kokichi: How many layers of unhealthy coping mechanisms are you on right now?
Funtimes: Like four or five, I dunno.
Kokichi: You are like a little baby, watching this.
Kokichi: YEET.

 

Ray: I think you are the worst human being on the planet. 
Nighthound: Well that’s just foolish, have you met everyone on the planet?

 

Megan: Talk to Liam, that’s what friends do!
Kokichi: Nope. I’m gonna wait til i’m on my death bed, get in the last word and then die immediately.
Megan: That’s your plan for dealing with this?
Kokichi: That’s my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I’m going to win that way.

 

Liami: Wayne, don’t say a word.
Kokichi: Fergalicious.
Liam: I said no words.
Kokichi: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

 

Liam: Would you please not Kokichi this into a situation worse than it already is?
Kokichir: Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?

 

Kokichi: Crows are goth doves. Black bears are goth polar bears. Zebras are still figuring themselves out. 

 

Alternative responses to “I love you.”

Funtimes: thanks
Big Al: i’m sorry
Taylor Swift: Who doesn’t?
Euphoria: A horrible decision, really. 
Nathan: *laughs nervously* 
Voidgaze: *finger guns*
Jacklyn: i know
Ray: why
Kokichi: YEET!
Nighthound: If only there was someone out there who loved you.

 

Liam: This is a mistake.
Kokichi: A mistake we’re gonna laugh about one day.
Liam: But not today.
Kokichi: Oh no, today’s gonna be a mess.

 

Nighthound: Can the sarcasm.
Kokichi, sarcastically: Please, edgehog, I never use canned sarcasm, only fresh

 

Crimson: I need you to be straight with me.
Red: [nervous bisexual laughter]

 

Liam: Can I have some trail mix?
Kokichi: Oh, you mean “M&M’s with obstacles?”

 

Megan: You mean, Kokichi is in trouble or Kokichi IS the trouble?
Liam: I mean, either they’re in trouble or they’re going to be.

 

Crimson, to Red: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

 

Nighthound: Oh hi, thanks for checking in! I’m still a piece of garbage.

 

Chess: I’m going to make your life hell.
Funtimes: Joke’s on you. My life’s all ready hell.
Chess: …Are you okay?
Funtimes [whispering]: No.

 

Kokichi: Listen Lee, in this universe, it's either yeet or be yeeted.
Liam: I'm literally begging you to stop.
Funtimes: No, let them finish. 

 

Lightwards: 8% approval rating? Who are they asking?

 

Nighhound, on monopoly: I love games that turn people against each other.

 

Kokichi: Two words: Mafia. Pigeons.

 

Kokichi: I’m probably one of the smartest, most skilled people in this building.
Liam: ...Is your hand stuck in a vending machine?
Kokichi: I payed for mY SKITTLES I’M GETTING MY SKITTLES.

 

Kokichi, to the tune of The Final Countdown: It’s a mental breakdown!

 

Kokichi: Ack! That was a close call! I almost relaxed. 

 

Quietus: Murder is actually very valid.

 

Voidgaze: Do you want something from the vending machine?
Ray: Nighthound’s death. 
Voidgaze: Yeah, all they’ve got is soda.
Ray: Soda will do.

 

Kokichi: So what’s the plan?
Liam: I thought you were the one with the plan.
Kokichi: Nope! I’m the one with the enthusiasm!

 

Kokichi: You know, I really look up to you!
Arabella: ...because you’re short?

 

Nighhound: I’m going to hell, you guys want anything?

 

Lightwards: There’s always that one loser in the friend group who’s not down with murder.

 

Red, pointing at a sign that says ‘dying’: There’s only one thing worse than dying.
Red: *rips away sheet to reveal that it says ‘Nighthound’ beneath it*
Ray: Nighthound. 
Red: NO!

 

Nighthound: Whenever somebody responds with “I beg your pardon?” assert your dominance by announcing “Then Beg.”

 

Kokichi: So do you think “It’s Raining Men” and “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” Are the same event but from different perspectives?
Nathan: I am literally begging you to stop.
Funtimes: No, let them finish.

 

Ray: I’m a lesbian.
Kokichi: I thought you were American?

 

Kokichi: I brought you a present, mom!
Arabella: Are you sure it’s not just bees again?
Kokichi, from a distance: Just open it.

 

Kokichi: I ate too many magic beans I can feel thE MAGIC coursing through my veins.
Megan: Kokichi?
Liam: Just ignore them, Megan, they ate seven boxes of tic tacks.

 

Arabella: Guys, I would tell you if I had a child.
Kokichi: Hey mom!
Arabella: Oh, hey kiddo.
Friends: 
Arabella:
Arabella: Look, I can explain.

 

Quietus: To be honest, I should care, but then I remember... I don’t. 

 

Kokichi: There are tears in my eyes but don’t think for a moment that I have emotions. 

 

Ray: And then Nighthound died.
Nighthound, mockingly: AnD THeN NiGhtHOunD DIeD.

 

Nathan: I don’t know what’s happening in this city and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

 

Liam: Have you ever accidentally befriended someone who is very irritating?

 

Kokichi: Several billion people on this earth and I have one friend.

 

Kokichi: My preferred pronouns are “your majesty.”

 

Liam: Child
Liam: Why you scream.

 

Jacklyn: ‘Are you flirting with me or are you like this to everyone’ a classic novel by me.

 

Red: If at first you don’t succeed, try a sharper knife.

 

Ray: Are you the sun? Because you need to stay 93,000,000 miles away from me.


Taya: You all are not.
Kokichi: YAINT

 

Ray: *covers up real emotions with aggressive sarcasm*

 

Kokichi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MANGA DOESN’T COUNT AS LITERATURE. 

 

Megan: What if you went to a parallel universe and were going to meet your evil self but the version of you there is actually really nice and you’re the evil one.

 

Ray: No human language can describe how disappointed I am right now.

 

Kokichi: *falls in the shower*
Kokichi: PARKOUR!

 

Red: Some girls like sports.
Red: I like serial killers. 

 

The Reckoners file on Kokichi: They live and die by the meme. 

 

Nighthound: I lived, suckers.

 

Kokichi: Road work ahead?
Liam: Have you never seen a roadsign before—
Kokichi: I SURE HOPE IT DOES.

 

Kokichi: I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my entire life.
Arabella: I know this and I love you

 

Nathan: Have a nice day!
Sam: Don’t tell me what to do.

 

Funtimes: Benefits of dating me: you’ll be dating me.
Funtimes: I could go on but I think you’ve got the picture.

 

Voidgaze: Hey Ray, help me with this cross word puzzle. I need a ten letter word for loser.
Ray: Nighthound.
Voidgaze: It fits!

 

Kokichi, leaving: Bye Lee. Bye Taya. Bye Megan. Bye Lee.
Taya: You said “bye Lee” twice.
Kokichi: I like Lee.

 

Liam: We are so doomed.
Kokichi: Hey, now! I don’t wanna hear that defeatist attitude from you... I wanna hear you upbeat! 
Liam, in an upbeat tone: We are so doomed!
Kokichi: That’s the spirit!

 

Kokichi: My mom taught me that if I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Nighthound: ...
Kokichi: But she’s not here and you’re a STUPID EDGEHOG.
 

Liam to Megan, who’s not sure about getting in a van with some strangers: Don’t worry, I don’t bite.
Kokichi: I do!

 

Kokichi: I would die for you. 
Liam: I’d die for you too.
Kokichi, suddenly emotional: PLEASE DON’T

 

 

Kokichi: I guess I’m just too tough to cry.
Arabella: Just yesterday you were crying over snakes.
Kokichi, tearing up: They don’t have any arms!

 

Ray: Nighthound is horrible and so cruel, I doubt he’s capable of treating anyone on the planet worse than he treats me.
Kokichi: Hold my beer.
Ray: That’s soda.
Kokichi: Hold my soda.

 

Kokichi, with a label pointed at them that says ‘Teen who got stabbed’: What are you going to do, stab me? 

 

Funtimes: I came out here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
Nathan: I came out here to be attacked and I’m honestly having a good time right now. 

 

Nathan: I’ve decided to trust you. 
Sam: A horrible decision, really. 

 

Funtimes: I’m sorry, I just lost my cool for a moment there.
Lightwards, under his breath: You can’t lose something you never had.

 

Kokichi: I wasn’t hurt that badly. The doctor said all the bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be!

 

Lucentia: I won’t rest until I’ve complained about everything.

 

Kokichi: I hate you with every inch of my body!
Nighthound: That’s not a lot of inches.

 

Liam: Did you just refer to a knife as a people opener?
Kokichi: Should I not have?

 

Nighthound: How come whenever I have fun, it’s considered wrong?
Nathan: People die when you have fun!

 

Nighthound: Why do people always assume the worst of me?
Ray: It saves time.

 

Kokichi: I’m not scared of you! None of us are!
Liam: I kind of am.
Kokichi: Lee, shut up.

 

Al, wearing shades and a leather jacket: So I hear you like bad boys.
Voidgaze: No, not really.
Al, throwing off the shades and jacket: Oh thank goodness.

 

Taya: You’re rude.
Nighthound: Wow, it’s like you’re a detective or something.

 

Red: Why would anyone want to hurt Nighthound?
Ray: Maybe because they met him.

 

Lucentia: Would I rather be feared or loved? 
Lucentia: Easy.
Lucentia: Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

 

Red: *drops knife on the floor seductively* oh noooo ;) *kicks it towards Nighthound* pretty reckless of me *lies down in a vulnerable position* oh noooo it looks like I’m pretty open for being stabbed here!

 

Kokichi: Oh. It’s okay. I guess I wasn’t meant to have a good life.

 

Kokichi: I try to be a big fluffy ball of support and positivity to help my friends!!
Kokichi: But I’m more like a big ball of sadness, emotional instability, and paranoia and need to be taken care of.

 

Kokichi, seeing a picture of them with long hair: No offense, but who the frick is this?

 

Liam: Nothing in life is free.
Voidgaze: Love is free!
Megan: Adventure is free.
Taya: Knowledge is free.
Kokichi: Everything is free if you take it without paying!

 

Voidgaze: *gets injured*
Ray: That sucks. I wish I could take all your pain and give it to Nighthound. 

 

Ray: I want a remote that makes people shut up with a button.
Funtimes: *offers a gun*
C4, Sam, Remington, and Ray: *perk up*
Nathan: Why are do many of you looking interested?

 

Kokichi: You know this guy?
Arabella: So do you. He tried to kill us.
Kokichi: Doesn't narrow it down much.
Arabella: As in, more than once.
Kokichi: You're going to have to be more specific.
Arabella: Two years ago.
Kokichi: More specific.
Arabella: In the summer.
Kokichi: More specific.

 

Kokichi: If you think about it, we’re sort of like God’s fursona. 
Liam: I Would Rather Not

 

Kokichi: Lee, I crave expired ice.
Liam: A what.
Nathan, sighing: They mean water.

 

Kokichi: I like your shoelaces.
Megan, sighing: Thanks, I stole them from the president.
Liam: Wait, what?

 

Kokichi: *drinks water*
Kokichi: I’m giving water a home.

 

Kokichi: Are memes an acceptable currency yet?

 

Kokichi: Besides, since when have drapes been flammable anyway?
Liam: Since always, Kokichi! Drapes have always been flammable!

 

Kokichi: I’m a child of the internet. I can’t live without my dank memes

 

Liam: Don’t you two get started right now!
Funtimes and Kokichi: We didn’t do anything?
Liam: But you could have!

 

Kokichi: I’m friendly, I’m loyal, I’m energetic…
Kokichi: I just described a dog, didn’t I?
Liam: Well yeah, but people love dogs.

 

Taylor Swift: I can transform into a snake.
Kokichi: gasp It’S a DaNgER NoODLe

 

Liam: Look, I’m going to be frank.
Kokichi: Okay, can I still be Kokichi?

 

Kokichi:  Son of a frENCH TOAST!

 

Funtimes:  *sings It’s Raining Men while sprinkling glitter in the trash can*


Nighthound: Can I just say that we don’t have a misogyny problem in this empire and some of us are just victims in this situation?
Lightwards: That’s probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Nighthound?
Literally everyone in the world: *raises hands*

 

Lucentia: I know it may look like I was being like a whiny loser, but that's only because I was acting like a whiny loser.

 

Nighthound: Who’s ready for a new week of fun?
Liam, from behind a stack of tables: Sorry! Nobody’s here!
Jacklyn, with Taya, C4, Kokichi, Liam, Nathan, Sam, Revolution, Ray, Megan, and Impact also behind the tables: Maybe he’ll just go away?

 

Liam: Is that blood?!
Kokichi: No?
Liam: You’re not supposed to answer with another question!

 

Red, commenting on a picture of Nighthound on social media: Why can’t I find a guy like this?
Nighthound, through Taya’s account: Hey
Red: No.
Nighthound: I’m literally the guy in the picture.

 

Kokichi: *nearly dies to stupid things completely out of their control*
Kokichi: J... just as planned!

 

Ray: I like my coffee as I like my men.
Red: But you only drink tea?
Ray: *looks into the camera like she’s on the office*

 

Kokichi: Where can I find some self esteem on sale?
Adventurer: Did someone say steam sale?

 

Kokichi: There are no bad ideas, Lee, only great ideas that go horribly wrong.

 

Kokichi: I don’t need to go inside a haunted house, I already feel fear in my daily life!

 

Arabella: Once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up! :)
Kokichi: You underestimate me. I’ve brought a pickaxe and I’m ready to dig. 

 

Calamity: Dying sucks! How do you living mortal beings cope with mortality? 
Impact: Violent outbursts. 
Red: General promiscuity. 
Kokichi: Through denial, I’m immortal! 

 

Nighthound: Admit it, Ray, you’ve fallen for me.
Ray: I didn’t fall, you freaking tripped me!

 

Snickers commercial: You’re not you when you’re hungry
Kokichi, always hungry: Who am I.

 

Nighthound: It’s annoying when people hate me for no reason, like there are so many good reasons to hate me just pick one.

 

Ray: I went into this year with a “Yeah! Everything is going to be great!” attitude and now I sort of want to die.

 

Kokichi: I’m actually pretty cool, just give me like five tries to get it right.

 

Moral Guardian: Watch your language!
Ray: Oh, ****, sorry.

 

Unicyclist: So the wind whispers to me...
Nathan: What wind? We’re inside a building.

 

Lightwards: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t care about them.
Nathan: That’s a genius move.
Lightwards: Thank you.
Nathan: You’re welcome, Lester.

 

Ray: Portland holds a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some...
Ray: Actually, they were all bad.

 

Ray: I like the way we say “oh man” when we’re disappointed.
Ray: Because men are disappointing.

 

Red: I love you.
Jacklyn: I need space.
Red: I        love         you

 

Quota: Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating. 
Electro: Really?
Timeport: Yeah. You’d starve to death, but it technically was the rest of your life. 

 

Nathan: Roasting me is ineffective because you can’t tell me worse things than I think of myself already.

 

Kokichi: There are so many cat girls in anime? I don’t get it? Where are all the dog girls?
Kokichi: I just remembered an anime with a dog girl and immediately regretted this post.
Megan: Wait, what anime?
Kokichi: Fullmetal alchemist.

 

Kokichi, googling: how to look cool even though you’re 5 feet tall and look like you’re 11

 

Kokichi: I’m just a jerk with feelings. 

 

Kokichi: I get really offended when people tell me I’m going to hell for being trans because I feel like they’re overlooking all the other perfectly valid reasons I’m going to hell. 

 

Impact: We love being twins!
MV: Sometimes we even finish each other’s—
Impact: We kill humans together!

 

Red: Remember when your parents told you to take out the trash? I’m trash. They were telling you to take me out. Date me.

 

Kokichi: Mentally ill? Nah, I’m mentally SICK!
Kokichi: My brain does cool flips while wearing shades and I cry a lot. 

 

Kokichi: There is a fine line between being sassy and a jerk and I cross it every day. 

 

Nighthound: People think that I’m cruel but I have the heart of a child. 
Nighthound: Four or five of them.
Nighthound: Actually, I have a collection.

 

Liam: You stay positive. You always believe that everything is going to work out. How do you do it?
Kokichi, upbeat: Well, I’ll tell you my secret, sir. 
Kokichi: I lie to myself. 
Kokichi: Every morning, when I wake up, I say everything’s going to be okay, but I’m lying, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. 
Kokichi: Have a swell night, sir!

 

Red: You're like an angel with no wings.
Crimson: So, like a person...

 

Kokichi: Let me explain something to you, Lee. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Kokichi. Act."
Liam: So you weren't thinking.
Kokichi: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

 

Red, to Crimson: Do you want me to postpone the rest of today’s meetings? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!

 

Kokichi: I just want you to know that if you say ‘go cause a distraction’ what I hear is ‘go cause an explosion’

 

Kokichi: I don’t have insomnia, I have internet access

 

Kokichi: I am what the psychological community calls “a huge freaking mess.”


Kokichi: How big does the spider have to be before arson counts as self-defense?

 

Red: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

 

Liam: You’re ignoring all your problems.
Kokichi: Yeah I know.
Liam: You know that’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, right? 
Kokichi: Yeah, I know. I’m kind of ignoring that too.

 

 

Kokichi: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

 

Ray: What’s wrong with you?!
Red: Almost everything.

 

Kokichi: I am a ninja assassin. The silent killer. My victims never know I’m coming because I don’t say a word, they look around and don’t see anything so they drop their guard and what they don’t realize is that I’m lurking in the shadows silently watching! *laughs loudly*
Liam: Yeah, you are very quiet.

 

Ray: Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like your eyes and brain should be bleached and you should live in church for a year to be cleansed of your sins?
Red: Send it to me.

 

Kokichi, singing: You better watch out! You better watch out! You better watch out!

 

Kokichi: Don't talk down to me.
Nighthound: Well, I could hardly talk up to you. You're too short.

 

Liam: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for 4-5 seconds.
Kokichi: 45 SECONDS?!
Liam: No! FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS!
Kokichi: TOO LATE!


Red: I thought you were dead!
Nighthound: Do I look like the kind of man who dies?

 

Liam: Are you sugaring your burrito?
Kokichi: Food is anarchy, Lee. Live by your own rules.

 

Liam: What are we doing?
Kokichi: Wasting our lives.
Liam: I meant for lunch.

 

Megan: Kokichi, is it true that you spent three days in the trunk of Liam’s van to scare him?
Kokichi: No.
Liam: It was five.

 

Voidgaze: Words ending in “ie” are just so adorable! Like “cookie”, “sweetie”, “cutie”…
Kokichi: Eyyyy, “homie”!
Liam: But then there’s “cootie”.
Ray: Uh. You’re forgetting “die”.

 

Kokichi: Of course I care about all my friends equally.
*five minutes later*
Megan: We were attacked while you were away.
Kokichi: IS LEE OKAY?!

 

Voidgaze: Hey, you still angry?
Ray: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Nighthound for it to work?

 

Ray: Who cares about unconditional love? Hate keeps me up at night.

 

Kokichi: I’m the kind of person who likes to think things through!
Liam: Kokichi, I once saw you try to eat a marshmallow that was still on fire.

 

Red: Let me run this bi you.
Voidgaze: Let’s pan this out.
Kokichi: Let’s ace-sess the situation.
Ray: I’m gay.
Voidgaze: Thank you very much for your contribution.

 

Kokichi: We gotta respect women!
Nighthound: If she breaths, she’s a thot.
Kokichi: ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS, NIGHTHOUND.

 

Kokichi, after buying an Alexa and 24 Roombas: Alexa, unleash the Roombas.
*24 Roombas slowly emerge from under Kokichi’s bed, consuming everything in their path*

 

Arabella: You know, you’re a lot less cute when you’re talking.
Kokichi: You think I’m cute?

 

Nighthound: As you may recall, patience isn’t one of my virtues.
Nighthound: Well, I don’t have any virtues. But if I did, I’m pretty sure patience wouldn’t be one of them.
Nighthound: You’re trying my non-patience.

 

Funtimes: I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.

 

Red: One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.

 

Lucentia: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm powerful.

 

Lucentia: Get in, losers, we’re going shopping.

 

Red: Dear diary. My teen angst now has a body count. 

 

Arabella: If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human. You’d be a game show host.

 

Lucentia: I shop, therefore I am.

 

Sam: Ray, you look like hell.
Ray: Yeah? I just got back.

 

Ray: You’re a rebel? You think you’re a rebel? You’re not a rebel, you’re just freaking psychotic!

 

Nighthound, on Lucentia: She’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.

 

Kokichi: I am the Darkness! I am Pure Evil! Fear me!
Liam: No, no, that’s Nighthound. You’re more like a vanilla cupcake with a surprisingly diverse ever changing layer of frosting. 
 

Liam: Tell them where they can stick their grapes, Kokichi!
Kokichi: IN THE FRIDGE!
Liam: No!


Gem, vaguely uncomfortably trying to have a conversation: So… are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Red: I’m the knife!
Crimson, from across the room: She’s the little spoon. 

 

Deathwish: What that mouth do?
Oblivion: It can recite bible verses.

 

Taya: Please. Shut up. 
Kokichi: I like the sound of my own voice, and I won’t apologize for that!

 

Kokichi: Who’s dead? Besides everyone I love!

 

Kokichi: Lee isn’t here, so I’m going to cut off all of my shirt sleeves.
Megan: What does Liam not being here have to do with anything? 
Kokichi: He’s, like, eighty percent of my impulse control.

 

Kokichi: My demons are chasing me, and they’re doing the Naruto run.

 

Megan: *clears throat* So… Kokichi… do you have a crush on someone?
Kokichi: The only crush I have is crushing anxiety.

 

Ray: Anyone else gay and angry on this Wednesday night?
Red: I’m bi and annoyed, does that count?

 

Sam: I’m like Hot Topic the person.

 

Liam: Kokichi, my coolness cannot withstand your adorableness.

 

Nighthound: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Taya: Uh… you should.

 

Ray: Out of all my body parts, I’m pretty sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls every day.

 

Kokichi: Love is dead and always was. You betrayed me and left me to rot away all on my own. You’re the definition of dread.
Liam: Are you okay?
Kokichi: Jade stole my freakin garlic bread.

 

Nighthound: You’re too late! You’ll never stop me now!
Taya: That’s where you’re wrong, Nighthound! We will stop you with the powers of...
Kokichi: Friendship!
Megan: Harmony!
Liam: Familial bonds!
Ray: Incredible violence.
Voidgaze: And love!

 

Nighthound: Did I make some mistakes? Yes.
Nighthound: Did I ONLY make mistakes? Yes.
Nighthound: But did it all work out in the end? Kind of!

 

Nighthound: That’s your opinion, but can you give me an objective reason why the slaughter of innocents is wrong?

 

Red: Two years ago, my favorite boyfriend died on me.
Nighthound: I’M NOT DEAD, SUCKERS!!!
Red: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

 

Red: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Red: But if you say Jacklyn isn't beautiful, I will be forced to correct your vision.

 

Lightwards: What is your greatest weakness?
Nighthound: I can be uncooperative.
Lightwards: Can you give me an example?
Nighthound: No.

 

Kokichi: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

 

Ray: And then Nighthound died.
Red: Ray, stop trying to make Nighthound’s death a thing. It’s not going to happen. 

 

Liam, to Kokichi: This is your badness level. It’s unusually high for someone your size.

 

Kokichi: I’ve never been in a snow ball fight.
Liam: Really?
Kokichi: I don’t even know the rules. Is there a point system or is it to the death?

 

Kokichi: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life. 
Liam: Please, never become a surgeon.

 

Liam: Oh, Kokichi’s at that very special age when a teenager has only one thing on their mind.
Megan: Love?
Kokichi: Homicide.

 

Liam: You doing okay? You scared?
Kokichi: I'm scared you won't let me make a flamethrower and use it to throw flame.
Liam: You're right, I will not let you do that.

 

Nottley: The point is, if you lie all the time, nobody’s going to believe you, even when you’re telling the truth.
Taya: Are you sure that’s the point?
Nottley: Of course. What else could it be?
Taya: That you should never tell the same lie twice.

 

Lightwards: A guy like you with your power? I think you’d make a great asset.
Nighthound: I agree. That’s why I got into government. To help me.

 

Kokichi: Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the heck out of your enemies.

 

Epoch: I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. I don’t trust coincidences.

 

Nighthound: A deal is a deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.

 

Nighthound: Because lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence, you have to practice constantly.
Lightwards: Practice on someone else.

 

Liam: Do you really believe your own hype that much?
Kokichi: I AM THE HYPE.

 

Red: What’s the way to a man’s heart?
Ray: Through his chest with a sharp implement.

 

Voidgaze: Here’s a terrifying thought: what if some people are just jerks at heart? Would Nighthound still have been Nighthound if he had gotten into art school?
Ray: He would have got WORSE, Voidgaze. The only thing worse than Nighthound is a slightly more pretentious Nighthound! The only thing that could maybe stop him would be Poetry Major Altermind, but I don’t think any of us would survive it.

 

Nathan: Okay, okay, okay. Why don’t we just put this to a vote, and then we’ll be done with it.
Lucentia: I’m not voting.
Nathan: No one cares.

 

Nathan: This is Funtimes, and she is in charge of…something…right?
Funtimes: That is correct.

 

Lucentia: Die, enemies of Astoria! Perish in agony!
Ray: She’s almost as annoying as you.
Nighthound: Impossible. No one bests Nighthound.

 

Red: Nighthound has a challenging personality.
Ray: What she means is, he’s mostly a jerk, but sometimes, every once in a while, he can be mean.

 

Nathan: In summation, I think you just got to not do it. That’s all.
Funtimes: I understand what you’re saying, and your comments are valuable, but I’m gonna ignore your advice.

 

Megan: Have care how you speak. Allison is beyond reason, but she is of the Pierce family, and she is my sister.
Liam: She killed eighty people in two days.
Megan: She’s... adopted?
 

 

Liam: Time to get serious. Kokichi, put on your game face.
Kokichi:
Liam: Not your gay face, your game face.
Kokichi: They’re the same face.

 

Nighthound: Hey, you don’t want to mess with my sister. She’ll wear down your self esteem over a period of years. 

 

Kokichi: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Nobody knows but everyone thinks I’m hot so that makes everyone gay. 

 

Kokichi: I’d offer my moral support, but I have questionable morals.

 

Ray: I'm gay and confused.
Ray: Not about being gay, I just never know what the heck is going on.

 

Crimson, about Red: She’s like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgement.

 

Nathan: I love being a pessimist because when bad things happens I get to be right, and when good things happens hey that’s a good thing I’ll take it.

 

Taya: If you make one more freaking joke, I’m going to hit you.
Kokichi: Don’t you mean you’ll pun-ch me?
Taya: ...
Kokichi, sprinting away as fast as he can: I REGRET NOTHING

 

Ray, bitterly with a bitter expression: I’m not bitter. 

 

Faith: So, we need a plan.
Red: Stab everyone.
Faith: One that goes further than stabbing everyone.

 

Kokichi: I admit that some of this is my fault.
Liam: Pfft.
Kokichi: Much of it is my fault.
Liam: Almost all.

 

Liam: Don’t do anything I would do, and definitely don’t do anything I wouldn't do.
Liam: There’s a little grey area in there, and that’s where you operate.

 

Ray: Dear life, when I said, "Can my life get any worse?”, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

 

Liam: Just ignore him, Taya. They’ll eventually burn themself out.

Kokichi:  That's what you think! I'm an eternal flame, baby!

 

Nighthound: You cannot possibly be this stupid.
Kokichi: Don't you dare underestimate me!

 

Kokichi: *walks by a mirror*
Kokichi: *stops in their tracks, goes back to the mirror*
Kokichi: *does finger guns at their reflection*
Kokichi: *continues walking*

 

Red: You’re probably one of those beautiful women who doesn’t even know it.
Crimson: No, I know it.

 

Kokichi: Have I ever put you in an unsafe situation?
Liam: All the time!
Kokichi: Then you should be used to it by now.

 

Liam: Remember that particularly idiotic thing you did?
Kokichi: Listen, Lee, you're gonna have to be a bit more specific there

 

Funtimes: Alright, listen up you meanie buttfaces.
Funtimes: Not you, Traveller. You're an angel and I'm thrilled you're here.

 

Red: In case, you’ve already forgotten, Ray is the worst. And that’s not just jealousy talking, I’d say that to her face.
*Ray shows up at the door*
Ray: Red, I need your help.
Red: You’re the worst.
*slams door*
Red: See?

 

Ray: “What the heck” is an emotion now and it's the only one I have.

 

Taya: You know I hate it when you make up words.
Kokichi: Are you still mad at me for saying "snacksident"?
Taya: Yes, very.

 

Red: If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It’s whatevs.

 

Red: In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

 

Kokichi: Oh yes my criminal record? The only illegal thing I’ve done is absolutely KILLIN it on the dance floor
Kokichi: Haha! Just kidding!
Kokichi: I’ve killed a man

 

Kokichi: I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. When I was a kid, people would ask me my top three colleges. I was like, top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a truck, with my hand hanging out of a tail light by now..

 

Nighthound: And to the right you can see me, ruining everything. 

 

Red: While you were busy being heterosexual, I studied blades.
Liam: Where are you going?

 

Kokichi: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.

 

Kokichi: I’ve invited 17 people to come and watch a movie, would you come?
Liam: Sure, but why so many people?
Kokichi: Because the DVD said 18+ viewers
Liam: Wait…what?

 

Ray: It’s over. We won.
Taya, possessed: *slowly stands up in the back*
Ray: No. We won. I’m not gonna turn around and look at it. We won.

 

Fortune teller, reading Ray’s palm: It just says “yikes.”

 

Voidgaze: Ray? Are...are you okay?
Ray: Short answer or long answer?
Voidgaze: Short answer.
Ray: No.
Voidgaze: Long answer?
Ray: Absolutely not.

 

Nighthound: Hi, I’m here to ruin everything. 


Kokichi: Spice up your life with a bit of reckless and impulsive behavior!


Kokichi: I may be short but that doesn’t mean you’re not about to experience the wrath of a god. 

 

Nathan: And I said “I’m an Epic.” You know… like a liar.

 

Funtimes: It’s summer! I got my hat on backwards, and it’s time to party!
Funtimes: *hits head on garage door*
 

Kokichi: Subtlety is key.
Liam: You were dressed like a cowboy.

 

Kokichi: I don’t have a train of thought, I have seven trains on four tracks that all narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

 

Taya: What happened to your face?!
Liam, with scratches all over his face: Megan tried to get Kokichi to chase a laser pointer.
Taya: ….so, why are you the one scratched up, and not her?
Liam: I was in the way.
Taya: ….of Megan?
Liam: ….of the laser pointer….

 

Kokichi: Why don’t you go start a ruiner's club? Oh wait, you’d probably ruin it.
Nighthound: Well then, I’d be doing a good job, because it’s a ruiner’s club.
Kokichi: You RUINED my analogy!

 

Megan: So why are you two taking family counseling?

Liam: They keep using ordinary phrases wrong and its driving me crazy!

Kokichi: Oh cry me a table, Liam!

 

Kokichi: Gamer culture is blaming Todd Howard for everything. 
Arabella: You haven’t played video games for over five years.
Kokichi: I can’t believe Todd Howard made you roast me like that. 

 

Red: It’s only kinkshaming if I’m ashamed. 

 

Nathan: If you ever feel stupid, just remember that one time me and Funtimes--a teleporter and one of the most powerful Epics I know-- were on an elevator for 15 minutes panicking and thinking we were stuck, only to find out that neither of us had pressed any buttons when we first got on.

 

Liam: I’m going to the store, you want anything?
Kokichi: A will to live.
Liam: I’ll get you some candy.

 

Liam: What the heck?
Kokichi: You’re going to need to be more specific. I do a lot of “what the heck” kind of things. 

 

Kokichi: REM gave me unrealistic expectations for how I'd feel at the end of the world as we know it

 

Liam: How do you just eat when there’s a dead body laying there?
Kokichi: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

 

Kokichi: So am I in trouble?
Liam: Take a guess.
Kokichi: No?
Liam: Take another guess.

 

Kokichi: Studies show that I am cute.
Liam: Source?
Kokichi: Myself.

 

Red: I thought you were straight.
Ray: Straight? Me? 

 

Nighthound: Just curious, is there a reason your knife is still pointed at me?
Red: Well, there's probably still some part of me that wants to stab you.
Nighthound: I get that. 

 

Sam: Here’s a fun Christmas idea: hang mistletoe but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever is under it
Nathan: Mistlefoe!
Remington: SOMEONE'S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED


Lightwards: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who.

 

Taya: How are we doing?
Kokichi: It couldn’t get much worse!
[It gets worse] 
Kokichi: The universe just loves proving me wrong, doesn’t it.
Taya: Well, you make it so easy. 

 

Blank: I beg your pardon?
Kokichi: Then beg.
 

Kokichi: You’re really crazy right now, you notice that? I think you’re just freaking out because you killed a guy today. Life goes on!

 

Funtimes: We must have pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
Kokichi: Don’t underestimate me. 

 

Kokichi: Be honest. What’s messier, my life or my hair?

 

Liam: If you’ve got any questions, just ask.
Kokichi: If a bear and a shark got into a fight, who would win?
Liam: If you’ve got any relevant questions, just ask.

 

Kokichi: I’m 100 pounds of paper thin skin and fragile bones, sarcasm is my only defense.

Some more incorrect quotes I accidentally posted before I finished formatting them!

Heck. It's too much. Too many incorrect quotes!

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Ataraxian Wist

Ataraxian Wist

Posted
Posted (edited)
On ‎10‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 5:24 PM, winter devotion said:

Should I split it into more spoiler tags to be easier to read?

Yeah. That would be great. I only made it through a third of it.

EDIT: Twi made this. I've moved it here so we can find it later.

Spoiler

67336603-0857-4050-B7A2-080EC90D959F.thumb.jpeg.aabf0fe86a0146d5e0aa3dee529d71ef.jpg.258553f44823930d3e5375fc7b6bb232.jpg

 

Edited by FeuerBrisingr
Added meme
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