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Reading Excuses - Spieles – Heir - Chapters 7-8, 5.23.16 – (L, D) 3,391 words - May 23, 2016


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*Last week was a mess for me - so I plan on spending tomorrow catching up on edits for those submissions!


 


This starts part II of the novel. Prior to this….


 


Eighteen-year-old Oz sets five bombs and waits. The Rex sawed open his foster mother’s chest and planted a lily where her lungs should be. While everyone else in his outpost either bolted south or ducked behind walls, Oz stalked the Rex until he found their enclave.


 


Except that his plan isn’t good enough. The Rex corner him, eager to infect him with their retrovirus—when Brides, soldiers from Aurum, swoop in. Amid his rescuers is Eleanor Penton, the infamously timid chairman (read: owner) of the city. And she won’t stop staring at Oz.


 


Oz wants nothing to do with this creepy woman, but when the mutants launch a counterattack at his outpost, Eleanor gives a last-minute confession: Oz is her son and heir.


 


The Rex abduct Eleanor as Oz’s home burns to ashes, yet he vows to get her back. His foster mother is dead, and the reason is that this fake leader was too weak to take on the Rex. But Oz is no coward. It’s not in him. Unlike her, he will fight.


 

Edited by spieles
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I enjoyed reading this submission. There was some nice worldbuilding and character development.

 

Pascal: It is probably weekly reader syndrome but i thought Pascal was dead. Her appearance really threw me for a loop.

 

Centre of middle America: This is a very vague description to me. I assume you me the centre of middle US (also i could have swore earlier you said Araum was in the north.) but it can also because middle America might refer to Central America. 

 

Fifteen shares on the pings on page 6. I think there is a slight blocking issue here as he never looks at his pings with his fifteen shares displayed. Plus why would it display his daily rate not his total account. 

 

Kabob: How did Pascal know he bought a kabob. If she say this then she would have seen the prostitute corner him. 

 

"We fight the rex..": This line felt like it came from nowhere and was very jarring to me. i went back to see if i missed something but couldn't make sense of it. 

 

Great ending. Look forward to the next. 

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Sent you the line notes.

 

I still love the market chapter. I love the color, the flavor, the prostitute and the street food. I really get into the narrative at this point. You've filled the chapter with all the little details I love when reading.

 

No big things to point out here. Nice work!

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This was very enjoyable and I breezed through it.  Nothing big caught my attention save the follow two minor points:

 

pg 3: "Only, there’s a tiny rubber lion figurine stuck in the back"

--In the back of what?  The peace lily pot?

 

pg 5: "palate"

--pallet?

 

I didn't have a problem with "middle America" but that's probably because I live here.  I'm guessing from Kammerite's spelling of "centre" that he hails from overseas.  Still, might be something to consider for an international audience.

 

I really liked the first look at Aurum, and meeting Pascal for the first time.  I'm a little hazy on the pings though.  There were almost unknown at the trading post, but seems like even kids have them in Aurum?  Also, this might be weekly reader, but do they have displays on the palms?  Where is Oz reading words?  I'm imagining full gloves, but I'm not sure of the specifics.

 

 

Anyway, great chapter, looking forward to next time!

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I enjoyed reading this submission. There was some nice world building and character development.

 

Pascal: It is probably weekly reader syndrome but i thought Pascal was dead. Her appearance really threw me for a loop. Yeah, I feel like a lot of mentions of her got cut in favor of the emphasis on her mom dying. 

 

Centre of middle America: This is a very vague description to me. I assume you me the centre of middle US (also i could have swore earlier you said Araum was in the north.) but it can also because middle America might refer to Central America. Yeah, people in the center of the US use "middle America" often enough for it to be a colloquialism. I'm glad you pointed it out though - it's not something I would have noticed on my own.

 

Fifteen shares on the pings on page 6. I think there is a slight blocking issue here as he never looks at his pings with his fifteen shares displayed. Plus why would it display his daily rate not his total account. Gonna fix this.

 

Kabob: How did Pascal know he bought a kabob. If she say this then she would have seen the prostitute corner him. 

 

"We fight the rex..": This line felt like it came from nowhere and was very jarring to me. i went back to see if i missed something but couldn't make sense of it.  Yeah, I think I crazy edited these two chapters and dropped a few balls - thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies.

 

Great ending. Look forward to the next.  Glad you liked it - and thank you for reading!

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Sent you the line notes.

 

I still love the market chapter. I love the color, the flavor, the prostitute and the street food. I really get into the narrative at this point. You've filled the chapter with all the little details I love when reading.

 

No big things to point out here. Nice work!

 

Oh, good call on pointing out the peace lily plot.... need to change that. Even if they're physically quite different, it's still close enough...

 

And yes, Hayden totally was jacked during that make out scene - not with a crazy dose or anything - just enough to make her extra reckless with the mask and affect her eyes, etc. 

 

Glad you still like the market chapter! I definitely tried getting in more "mom stuff" in the first section of ch 7 and goodness did it fall catastrophically flat. But yeah, I'm going to leave a note on the section so that if I have any actually good ideas, I'll have this as an insertion point.

 

<3 <3 <3

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This was very enjoyable and I breezed through it.  Nothing big caught my attention save the follow two minor points:
 
pg 3: "Only, there’s a tiny rubber lion figurine stuck in the back"
--In the back of what?  The peace lily pot? Yes, I need to clarify this. Also, I'm wondering if I could come up with a better symbol...
 
pg 5: "palate"
--pallet? Good call. #homophone fail
 
I didn't have a problem with "middle America" but that's probably because I live here.  I'm guessing from Kammerite's spelling of "centre" that he hails from overseas.  Still, might be something to consider for an international audience. Yeah, I had the same thought.
 
I really liked the first look at Aurum, and meeting Pascal for the first time.  I'm a little hazy on the pings though.  There were almost unknown at the trading post, but seems like even kids have them in Aurum?  Also, this might be weekly reader, but do they have displays on the palms?  Where is Oz reading words?  I'm imagining full gloves, but I'm not sure of the specifics. They are fingerless gloves - so the messages are definitely displaying across the palms. Now would be a good time to remind the reader a bit - so I'll try to slip that in.
 
 
Anyway, great chapter, looking forward to next time! yay! thank you!

 

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- It's probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it's forgotten the difference between solos and magnetars. It might be good to include a little description to help set the scene, even if its clear they are both vehicles of some sort.

 

- The sudden shift to all italics confused me during Oz and Pascal's scene. 

 

- There's a lot of names being tossed around, and this far into the story, I'm a little worried we're getting too many characters, especially as we switch settings.

 

- Still very interested to see what happens next, especially with the revelation about the enzyme and the Board's sudden interest in Oz. 

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Okay, I'm hopping in cold so please forgive if some of this is addressed earlier on.

 

Are golf cart/lunar rover appropriate analogies in this POV? I'm not sure if the impression I'm getting of the state of the world allows for golf at the very least to be much of a touchstone. There's a couple others that stick out to me (eiffel tower, chinese firecracker, etc) but without having read backwards I'm not sure what's appropriate.

 

I'm not sure where the pings are getting information from or why they're outputting in this specific manner; they're telling Oz an apartment number and that it's home but there's no associated name? I get you're wanting to do a reveal here but it feels like you're visibly structuring to force it to be a reveal rather than letting it come naturally, if that makes sense.

 

I'm not sure I associate 'witch hazel' with a particular colour more than I do just hazel, re Pascal's eyes.

 

Something about this initial conversation feels off, specifically him pulling her curls and the 'you still look like a girl' line. This doesn't come off as endearing to me in the slightest, even allowing they're old/best friends, this comes off as boundary-pushing to me.

 

The transition to italics is a bit weird to me-- I think you're going to flashback? But I'm not sure and it's sort of awkward, I feel.

 

'one-year-old cousin sleeps on that pallet'; palate is in your mouth and palette has paint on it

 

'the board is evil' is very casually dropped in there; is this established previously? Right now I'm not sure.

 

No real problem catching on though, even hopping in late; it's not my normal speed but it's an easy read.

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Hey Spieles,

 

Glad you’re back with us this week. Hope you’re feeling less overwhelmed by…stuff!

 

  • “magnetars” – The curse of submitting every other week—I’m trying to remember what magnetars were…vehicles of some sort?
  • “all-directions waterfall” – This is an example of when your imagery tickles my imagination in just the right way!
  • “It’s feels just like” – typo there
  • “use a seatbelt to haul myself up” – Great image.
  • “at full speed ahead” – So was the golf cart driven remotely? I can’t tell if there’s someone with Oz or not?
  • “rubber lion” – Pascal. Didn’t you mention you cut a bit about her from some earlier chapters? If so, I’m ready to say now at this point that I wished you had given us a little bit more about her so that I feel a connection too as a reader at this moment.
  • “closet” –closest typo
  • Food, housing, Calgary, etc – I feel like I’m missing something. Was it Pascal sending the pings or not? If she’s not connected to Penton, then how’d she do it, if she did it, and if she didn’t do it, who did?
  • Johnny—Is he dead? I’m not sure from the dialogue.
  • “pents” – I like this pejorative
  • “peak” – You meant peek. (I typo that all the time)
  • “extra Number Nine” – Oh gee. O__o I won’t ask.
  • …and now I know
  • Oh gee, so that’s what Hayden was on? I wondered at the “D” for drugs rating earlier…
  • Nice cliff hanger ending. I figure he should have checked those pings!!!

 

Overall, great update. The beginning was a little rocky, but that might be because of the break between updates reading in this format. The stuff going on the city has a good pace and I have good questions rolling around in my head. As usual, your imagery is great, and this time none of it felt a little too much. Looking forward to next submission!

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Good chapters. I would have liked a bit more description of the city, but I've still got a picture in my mind, even if it's quite generic.

I like the introduction of Pascal and Oscar's reaction to her. Also, I am enjoying the 'secret' messages that Oz is getting on his pings, and the fact that he's loaded, which is at odds with Pascal's situation. It's always effective (I think) when the reader shares a secret with the m/c like that nobody else knows. I am looking forward to reactions when that comes out, and hope that it's used to maximum effect.

What did not work so well for me was the dialogue with Pascal after Oz's encounter with the streetwalker. I found it disjointed and rather unclear. I think you could more clearly show what effect the enzyme has on the female body.

Nice end to the chapter. Looking forward to the next submission.

<R>

-------------------------------

How does 'the black anvil sail(s) away on a distant tide'? I don't know what that's describing - seems confused. Certainly a mixed metaphor! :)

"beneath the tear-bright sky" - I think this should be hyphenated.

"I have the vaguest of memories of Eleanor mentioning a Brick" - I don't, but it might be WRS, still, perhaps consider a more complete reminder? Or not - maybe I should remember. Also, where did the van come from? Yes, it's WRS, and I did miss a week.

Love the description of the golf cart, btw, but not exactly sure of the blocking.

"It takes me a full minute to process what's she's said" - Really? That's a long time. Is he really that sheltered? I challenge your 60 seconds and suggest 10.

Edited by Robinski
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  • 3 weeks later...
On 5/26/2016 at 3:34 PM, rdpulfer said:

Ah! I never got email alerts for this thread. SO WEIRD. Wonder if they're going into my spam...

- It's probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it's forgotten the difference between solos and magnetars. It might be good to include a little description to help set the scene, even if its clear they are both vehicles of some sort.

yeah, I think adding a few details would fix this easily. 

 

On 5/26/2016 at 3:34 PM, rdpulfer said:

 

- The sudden shift to all italics confused me during Oz and Pascal's scene. 

Yeah, the point of that was to clarify that those words were said in the past, but I'm going to think on it...

- There's a lot of names being tossed around, and this far into the story, I'm a little worried we're getting too many characters, especially as we switch settings.

LOL. I keep cutting characters, but if you note any specific characters let me know. 

- Still very interested to see what happens next, especially with the revelation about the enzyme and the Board's sudden interest in Oz. Thank you so much for reading. :):):)

 

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On 5/27/2016 at 2:56 AM, neongrey said:

I'm not sure where the pings are getting information from or why they're outputting in this specific manner; they're telling Oz an apartment number and that it's home but there's no associated name? I get you're wanting to do a reveal here but it feels like you're visibly structuring to force it to be a reveal rather than letting it come naturally, if that makes sense.

Yeah, this is definitely supposed to raise questions for the reader. It's the city's AI that is messaging Oz - and he's very shifty. Good thing to note and I will think on it. :)

I'm not sure I associate 'witch hazel' with a particular colour more than I do just hazel, re Pascal's eyes.

This is a good point.... 

Something about this initial conversation feels off, specifically him pulling her curls and the 'you still look like a girl' line. This doesn't come off as endearing to me in the slightest, even allowing they're old/best friends, this comes off as boundary-pushing to me.

Oh, yes, the boundaries are being pushed all over the place. These two old married couple issues despite being 18.

The transition to italics is a bit weird to me-- I think you're going to flashback? But I'm not sure and it's sort of awkward, I feel.

Yeah, rdpuffer said the same thing. I'm going to brainstorm solutions...

'one-year-old cousin sleeps on that pallet'; palate is in your mouth and palette has paint on it

Homophone fail!

'the board is evil' is very casually dropped in there; is this established previously? Right now I'm not sure.

It's not introduced before, but this is definitely Pascal's opinion

No real problem catching on though, even hopping in late; it's not my normal speed but it's an easy read. Thank you so much for your feedback. 

 

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On 5/28/2016 at 10:31 PM, krystalynn03 said:

Hey Spieles,

 

Glad you’re back with us this week. Hope you’re feeling less overwhelmed by…stuff!

 

  • “magnetars” – The curse of submitting every other week—I’m trying to remember what magnetars were…vehicles of some sort?
  • “all-directions waterfall” – This is an example of when your imagery tickles my imagination in just the right way!
  • “It’s feels just like” – typo there
  • “use a seatbelt to haul myself up” – Great image.
  • “at full speed ahead” – So was the golf cart driven remotely? I can’t tell if there’s someone with Oz or not?
  • “rubber lion” – Pascal. Didn’t you mention you cut a bit about her from some earlier chapters? If so, I’m ready to say now at this point that I wished you had given us a little bit more about her so that I feel a connection too as a reader at this moment.
  • “closet” –closest typo
  • Food, housing, Calgary, etc – I feel like I’m missing something. Was it Pascal sending the pings or not? If she’s not connected to Penton, then how’d she do it, if she did it, and if she didn’t do it, who did?
  • Johnny—Is he dead? I’m not sure from the dialogue.
  • “pents” – I like this pejorative
  • “peak” – You meant peek. (I typo that all the time)
  • “extra Number Nine” – Oh gee. O__o I won’t ask.
  • …and now I know
  • Oh gee, so that’s what Hayden was on? I wondered at the “D” for drugs rating earlier…
  • Nice cliff hanger ending. I figure he should have checked those pings!!!

 

Overall, great update. The beginning was a little rocky, but that might be because of the break between updates reading in this format. The stuff going on the city has a good pace and I have good questions rolling around in my head. As usual, your imagery is great, and this time none of it felt a little too much. Looking forward to next submission!

You corrected my typos! and yeah, Johnny's fate is unknown at this point. :-(  however.... And Pascal at this point has been edited in and out of mentions in Part I several times. At this point, I think I added her back in when Oz first sees the Brides and he thinks he might see her... but I probably need to do a reread and make sure it's coming across. Thank you so so much. HUGS. I need to catch up on your chapters now. :)

 

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On 6/4/2016 at 0:14 PM, Robinski said:

Good chapters. I would have liked a bit more description of the city, but I've still got a picture in my mind, even if it's quite generic.

I like the introduction of Pascal and Oscar's reaction to her. Also, I am enjoying the 'secret' messages that Oz is getting on his pings, and the fact that he's loaded, which is at odds with Pascal's situation. It's always effective (I think) when the reader shares a secret with the m/c like that nobody else knows. I am looking forward to reactions when that comes out, and hope that it's used to maximum effect.

Oh, good, especially since this scene just got a huge rewrite :):):) I'm glad it worked for you. I also like it when I, as the reader, am in-the-know.

What did not work so well for me was the dialogue with Pascal after Oz's encounter with the streetwalker. I found it disjointed and rather unclear. I think you could more clearly show what effect the enzyme has on the female body.

Yeah, this is a very good point, especially since it comes up in later chapters. I need to settle on a set of characteristics and stick to them. *cracks whip*

Nice end to the chapter. Looking forward to the next submission.

<R>

-------------------------------

How does 'the black anvil sail(s) away on a distant tide'? I don't know what that's describing - seems confused. Certainly a mixed metaphor! :)

So in our huge midwestern storms (like in Missouri, Nebraska or Kansas) where there is flat or rolling land stretching forever and ever - the stormheads, especially with cumulonimbus can take on an anvil like shape at the head of a storm front. It is very scary looking and beautiful. I'm not sure you'd ever see something like that in GB - we definitely don't have them on the East coast. I might need to add a bit of context though...

"beneath the tear-bright sky" - I think this should be hyphenated.

"I have the vaguest of memories of Eleanor mentioning a Brick" - I don't, but it might be WRS, still, perhaps consider a more complete reminder? Or not - maybe I should remember. Also, where did the van come from? Yes, it's WRS, and I did miss a week.

Love the description of the golf cart, btw, but not exactly sure of the blocking.

"It takes me a full minute to process what's she's said" - Really? That's a long time. Is he really that sheltered? I challenge your 60 seconds and suggest 10.]\

Agreed. LOL. I'll fix.

Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad to be back on track :) with the group.

 

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3 hours ago, spieles said:

You corrected my typos! and yeah, Johnny's fate is unknown at this point. :-(  however.... And Pascal at this point has been edited in and out of mentions in Part I several times. At this point, I think I added her back in when Oz first sees the Brides and he thinks he might see her... but I probably need to do a reread and make sure it's coming across. Thank you so so much. HUGS. I need to catch up on your chapters now. :)

Those little guys sneak by everybody!

As far as Pascal goes, I'm willing to wait and see how it all reads once you've got the whole thing worked through again. Hopefully, I can take a look at the whole at that point, if you want.

As far as catching up...please don't. LOL. I'm scrapping the last two submissions. There were some problems on a structural level and I'm reworking 17-19 from scratch. :) 

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18 hours ago, krystalynn03 said:

As far as catching up...please don't. LOL. I'm scrapping the last two submissions. There were some problems on a structural level and I'm reworking 17-19 from scratch. :) 

Okay, cool. I wlil happily give feedback on the new chapters then. :)

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