Reading Excuses - 2/8/16 - Marci - Broken Universe (Chapter 1, Part 1) - 3669 Words [L,V,S,D]

[Marci]

Hello!

My name is Marci, and this is my first submission to the group. Thanks in advance for your time and any feedback/advice you’d like to offer. I’m looking for comments on character development, story pacing, and whether or not I’m doing okay on the wordsmithing front. While I write technical and marketing copy as part of my day job, I’m not degreed, nor do I have formal training, so I’m not sure how successful I am when writing creatively.

This novel is an urban fantasy, primarily set in Northeast Indiana Amish country. As far as warnings are concerned, this excerpt—and future excerpts—feature explicit language, sexual situations, substance abuse, and violence. To clarify a bit, the sex isn’t as explicit as an anatomy lesson, but I don’t simply hand wave or gloss over things. I trust you’ll let me know if I’m out of bounds, here. The violence won’t be crazy, either; I flagged this chapter due to a graphic depiction of wild game being dressed after a hunt. 

So, with all that being said, if you’re offended by foul-mouthed alcoholic construction workers dwelling in rundown trailer parks, aging hippies peddling the best hydroponic marijuana found east of the Mississippi, consenting adults consenting enthusiastically, localized and/or obscure pop culture references, or rednecks enjoying so-called redneck pastimes (hunting/fishing/Coors Light/WWE/NASCAR), you’ll want to avoid this story. You’ve been warned.

One-Sentence Story Summary: In a quiet Hoosier town, a directionless loser and his childhood friend must unravel the mystery of their past and master long-forgotten powers to save loved ones from a vengeful megalomaniac bent on destroying their universe.

Chapter Summary: Baxter Phelps realizes he’s both hunter and hunted.

 

Thanks again! I hope you enjoy.

 

Marci

[Asmodemon]

Welcome to the group  

 

The summary, of an Urban Fantasy in an Amish type county piques my interest. The first chapter though, and the main character, don’t have me sold quite yet. Nor has the setting, since it’s basically a forest right now, but I’m interested to see more of the setting.

 

Baxter: Not quite sure what to make of this guy yet. He has some form of magic, but from his thinking he might also be crazy. At the very least he’s paranoid, he lacks focus, and he has a voice in his head. Magic? Madness? Either possibility (or hell, maybe even both, a crazy magic user) has potential, but right now it makes for a confusing character. His ‘sane inner voice’ doesn’t sound too sane either.

 

Lack of focus: The lack of focus that Baxter has comes into play with his thoughts and memories going all over the place, from hints to a magic he has, to his family, to his wife, to a movie he watched, and nothing is really germane to what’s going on in the forest. Part of me does feel it’s a nice way to show this trait, this lack of focus, but the effect also goes to waste because there’s too much flashbacks going on, compared to the present where Baxter is actually supposed to be doing something.

 

Confusing: The constant switch between present and flashbacks, in combination with Baxter’s other rambling thoughts, made for a confusing read. I really had no idea what was actually going on here for most of the chapter, there were so many tangential things going on in Baxter’s head/perspective.

One such example early on is with the following sequence:

 

Huh. So, I haven’t lost it. It’s not me at all, it’s them.

 

That, at least, was a load off. It also indicated the forest’s hush warranted further

investigation, a prospect he loathed contemplating.

 

 

Why does that mean it isn’t him? What is not actually him? Who are they? Why is he relieved by this? Why does the forest’s quiet warrant more investigation?

 

Nothing there makes sense to me.

 

Phelps: I kept wondering who this Phelps guy was that Baxter kept referring to in his thoughts, thinking that it was either the name of the ‘rational’ voice he keeps hearing, or some other character we haven’t seen yet. It wasn’t until near the end (and rereading your post) that I realized that Phelps was Baxter’s last name.  

 

Purple prose: The language usage is on the purple side, using three words where one will do. This could be a style preference, but combined with the flashbacks and memories it caused me to start skimming. When I start skimming that’s usually when the book loses my interest.

 

Nothing happens: The biggest problem I had was that in all the fourteen pages of this chapter nothing happens. Baxter is cleaning a carcass, he gets a bad feeling, and a portal opens. Fourteen pages is a lot for so little. And when the portal opens he remembers another portal opening, but that’s just a tease because he doesn’t go into specifics. Worse though is that he then packs up his stuff and leaves. It’s really anticlimactic.

[Shrike76]

The writing itself (grammar and spelling and punctuation) is really crisp and clean. That's always nice to see.

 

You mentioned crossing a line in your email, and I don't think you did. Just flag appropriately in the email subject (as you did), or put a content warning on the top line if those four letters don't tell the whole story. I for one will keep reading this story.

 

I liked the POV character's voice for the most part, but did find that it rambled a bit (lots of memories thrown in about things that weren't entirely relevant to the current situation). That's probably a function of the personality, and not unusual for something in such a deep 3rd person, but it took a bit of getting used to. If it's consistent throughout the novel then I don't see it as too big of a problem, although excess is always excess.

 

P9 - "since his skull had first cracked open and the light poured in" - I really loved this line. We knew before this that there was something different about Baxter and about the way he experienced the world, but this line points to some sort of positive origin experience that makes me really curious to know more about it.

 

It gets a bit muddled towards the end. I'm curious (obviously) about this door that appeared out of nowhere, but I'm unclear on how common an occurrence this is, on whether or not that phenomenon is related to his enhanced senses or is something completely different, and what he knows about these doors because it seems like he knows a fair bit but not a lot of that is communicated to the reader? He mentions his weak memory, is that a generalized thing or is that only something that affects his being able to remember these doors? I ask because he spends the entire chapter remembering random things, but doesn't seem to be able to form much in the way of clear thoughts about this door. You said in your chapter summary that Baxter realizes he's both hunter and hunter, but this is apparently something he already knew, unless I miss my guess.

 

For an opening chapter, you've given us a clear indication of who the character is, given us a fairly clear picture of the setting, and hinted at the things that lurk behind the obvious (his senses, the doors, etc) which is definitely enough for me to keep reading. I think this is good work and I'm looking forward to the next submission.

[Marci]

Asmodemon, thank so much for your review. I haven't gotten the hang of quotes, I don't think, but I'll try to address some of the points you made.

 

 

 

Baxter: Not quite sure what to make of this guy yet. He has some form of magic, but from his thinking he might also be crazy.

 

He's both things. He has a hard time determining what's real.

 

 

 

Lack of focus: The lack of focus that Baxter has comes into play with his thoughts and memories going all over the place... Part of me does feel it’s a nice way to show this trait, this lack of focus, but the effect also goes to waste because there’s too much flashbacks going on...

 

His lack of focus is key to the story. I was in fact attempting to be deliberate here.

 

 

Confusing: The constant switch between present and flashbacks, in combination with Baxter’s other rambling thoughts, made for a confusing read.Why does that mean it isn’t him? What is not actually him? Who are they? Why is he relieved by this? Why does the forest’s quiet warrant more investigation?

 

Nothing there makes sense to me.

 

When the forest goes quiet around him, Baxter is afraid he's lost his powers. So, when he "hears" the beetle, he's relieved, but also paranoid about the reasons why the world has been put on mute. Hence the investigation.

 

 

 

Purple prose: The language usage is on the purple side, using three words where one will do. 

 

Ugh. I thought I'd done okay with that. Care to cite an example for me?

 

Thanks again for your comments! You've given me much to think about.

[Marci]

First of all, Shrike, thank you for taking time to read my submission. I'm glad the opening inspired you to keep reading. Hopefully I can keep delivering on the promise.

 

The writing itself (grammar and spelling and punctuation) is really crisp and clean. That's always nice to see.

 

 

Phew! Thanks, I'm glad I did well on some of the more techy technical stuff.

 

 

I liked the POV character's voice for the most part, but did find that it rambled a bit (lots of memories thrown in about things that weren't entirely relevant to the current situation). That's probably a function of the personality, and not unusual for something in such a deep 3rd person, but it took a bit of getting used to. If it's consistent throughout the novel then I don't see it as too big of a problem, although excess is always excess.

 

You're right about excess. I'll try to keep diligent on this part. Baxter's character wanders and obsesses, and because of this I do in fact tend to get carried away. I've cut so much from my original draft of this chapter, and am now aware of more spots I can slice and dice to get a tighter read. A few minutes ago I cut 1,000 words from my next planned submission. Killing your darlings hurts, man.

 

 

P9 - "since his skull had first cracked open and the light poured in" - I really loved this line. 

 

OMG YAY! I love that you thew out one of my favorite lines as one you appreciated in particular.

 

 

It gets a bit muddled towards the end. I'm curious (obviously) about this door that appeared out of nowhere, but I'm unclear on how common an occurrence this is, on whether or not that phenomenon is related to his enhanced senses or is something completely different, and what he knows about these doors because it seems like he knows a fair bit but not a lot of that is communicated to the reader? He mentions his weak memory, is that a generalized thing or is that only something that affects his being able to remember these doors? I ask because he spends the entire chapter remembering random things, but doesn't seem to be able to form much in the way of clear thoughts about this door. You said in your chapter summary that Baxter realizes he's both hunter and hunter, but this is apparently something he already knew, unless I miss my guess.

 

Yes. This scene's end always bugged me, partly because I find it muddled, as well, but also because Baxter does exactly the thing he tells himself he isn't going to do, which is run. Heh.

 

Baxter's amnesia is transient and very specific. I think that's all I'm going to detail for now. I actually reference Quantum Leap in this chapter (the "swiss cheese for memory" line), because it accurately describes what Baxter's got going on here. His grasp on certain aspects of his memory is fleeting, improving with direct and constant reminders. He only knows what he knows when he knows it. Amnesia does have its perks, however.

 

 

For an opening chapter, you've given us a clear indication of who the character is, given us a fairly clear picture of the setting, and hinted at the things that lurk behind the obvious (his senses, the doors, etc) which is definitely enough for me to keep reading. I think this is good work and I'm looking forward to the next submission.

 

I'm so glad you enjoyed this first submission. Like I said, I hope I continue to deliver on the promise I've already outlined. I appreciate your help.

[Marci]

You said in your chapter summary that Baxter realizes he's both hunter and hunter, but this is apparently something he already knew, unless I miss my guess.

 

DARN. It just occured to me I should've worded the summary differently. "Baxter Phelps remembers he is both hunter and hunted."

Edited February 9, 2016 by Marci

[Eisenheim]

Okay, yeah, prose is a bit purple.  I understand what it's like to love description.  Try picking the important things and not allowing yourself adjectives for anything else.  

Baxter is a little confusing.  If he's got actual memory loss or mental damage, I want stronger cues, even if he doesn't realize it himself.  His vocabulary is also a little elevated for his characterization.  If he's a dropout embracing the redneck identity, I want fewer technical and precise terms.  Why does he know they're carbochons not just 'red stones'?

 

This is all relatively high-level polish stuff, because your baseline here is solid: clean prose, clear narrative, good hook.

[Marci]

Thanks so much for reading!

 

Baxter is a little confusing.  If he's got actual memory loss or mental damage, I want stronger cues, even if he doesn't realize it himself.  His vocabulary is also a little elevated for his characterization.  If he's a dropout embracing the redneck identity, I want fewer technical and precise terms.  Why does he know they're carbochons not just 'red stones'?

 

Because being a shiftless apathetic loser was never part of the original plan. The dude's life derailed just when it was getting started. I do hint at this toward the end of the submission, when his failed freshman year at IU is mentioned. The only reason he was able to attend at all was because of scholarships and grants. I do delve into this sooner rather than later, when the childhood friend shows up.

 

 

This is all relatively high-level polish stuff, because your baseline here is solid: clean prose, clear narrative, good hook.

 

Thank you very much! I appreciate your feedback.

[Mandamon]

I think the others got the same main points I did.  I thought the writing was very good, which definitely keeps my interest.  The beginning was very visceral with the deer, almost too much for me, but the writing kept my interest.

 

Like Asmodemon and Shrike, I got a little confused with the multiple voices and memories.  I realize that it was serving a purpose, but it might so much that it's making your point harder to follow rather than easier.

 

I didn't have too much problem with purple prose, but it could stand to have an edit for excess words.

 

I'm interested to find out what Baxter can do, what his magic is, and what the doors do.  You've got a good setup, so I'm interested to see what comes next.

[Marci]

Thanks for reading, Mandamon!

 

The beginning was very visceral with the deer, almost too much for me, but the writing kept my interest.

 

Heh. Yeah, I've actually heard that from other folks before. My work here is done.

 

 

Like Asmodemon and Shrike, I got a little confused with the multiple voices and memories.  I realize that it was serving a purpose, but it might so much that it's making your point harder to follow rather than easier.

 

I'll go back and see what I can do from a clarity standpoint. Thanks for that.

 

 

I didn't have too much problem with purple prose, but it could stand to have an edit for excess words.

 

I'm interested to find out what Baxter can do, what his magic is, and what the doors do.  You've got a good setup, so I'm interested to see what comes next.

 

Yep. As Shrike said, excess is excess. I'll be more ruthless with my edits in the future.

 

Thanks again for reading. I appreciate your time and the feedback you've given. Looks I've got my work cut out for me!

[Robinski]

Firstly, sorry about some of the details, I can get pretty pedantic and probably go too far in some of the points I flag. I certainly go to line level when something snags on my brain – apologies!

 

So, very interesting submission, I must admit I struggled over the language to some extent. It’s in a very distinctive style, perhaps not immediately accessible to all readers. I felt that, to begin with, the narrative seemed to take as many words as possible to set out what was happening, sometimes in a rather oblique way, and I often found myself having to stop reading and go back to understand the message.

 

The outcome therefore was a feeling that it took a goodly numbers of words/pages to cover not a great deal of plot (I see I'm not alone in this - apologies for repetition - Ed.), which made progress feel like slow-going.

 

As an example, “He rolled his neck as he trudged to his hunting jacket, sitting in a wrinkled pile by a tree stump. He bent, blowing a stray tangle of hair out of his eyes, and began rummaging, hands moving efficiently from pocket to pocket. A line formed between his brows, quickly maturing into a scowl. He yanked at the fabric, breath hissing between his teeth as he rearranged its folds. Finally his fingers struck pay dirt, locating the heavy steel flask he’d stashed in an inner pocket before heading out to shoot at things.” – What I'm hearing is, ‘Baxter walked to his jacket, frowning, and rummaged in the pockets, brow creasing further until till he found his hipflask.’ Apologies for this crude example, but I thought it was helpful in expressing my thought.

 

Another example, “It waved goodbye to “Curiouser and Curiouser,” while treading deep into “Tripping Balls” territory” – For personal taste, I find this overcomplicated. It slows me down in the reading as I try to figure out what it means and I end up with a disjointed read.

 

I think my difficulty is not so much with the style itself, but getting hung up on what seem like unimportant details to the interesting bits and heaving to reread where I couldn’t fathom the meaning. Then, quite suddenly, I felt that things changed. It was when the door appeared and Baxter started moving towards it. From Page 11, I felt that the floridity of the prose / inner dialogue reduced to a comfortable level while ‘we’ were concentrating on stuff happening, rather than Baxter’s rambling musings. Not to say all was crystal clear, but I don't mind not knowing why things happen in a story, I'm reading to learn that.

 

I do like the premise. I'm not sure I like Baxter however. I get that he’s scarred by his ability, and that worked well for me. He is wonderfully dysfunctional with it, but I do find his often obscure quipping a bit annoying. He seems very self-absorbed. To round off though, I'm keen to read more. It might take me time to come to enjoy the style – same with many distinctive books on starting them. Good job. Hope to read more soon.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“The liver he’d already harvested, zipped into a gallon-size freezer bag, and carelessly tossed to the side before moving onto the next tasty bit of offal.” – There’s something up with this sentence.

 

“The liver within, a moist and malignant shade of purple” – Can a colour be moist and malignant? The phrasing here tripped me up.

 

“no time like the present to panic” – I'm a bit puzzled that Baxter goes through this lengthy recollection of past events when he’s trying to decide whether to panic. I took it that something panic-worthy had just happened, so why the length (slight info-dumpy) reminiscing?

 

He realized with a start of surprise he’d been sitting like an invalid, fingers still clutching the heart.” – Nice line, but I'm finding the story a bit wordy at this point. Here is an example. I don’t think you need to tell the reader it’s surprise, seems pretty obvious, and also worth letting the reader come to their own conclusion.

 

“Get thee the storm out of Dodge while you still can” – typo.

 

“All the above seemed subdued to a fault, the likely trigger for his paranoia” – I don’t know what this means, I feel there is a word or words missing.

 

“And here he thought he’d been better successful lately at keeping it together” – grammar.

 

“On a rosy-hued, cake day like this” – What is a cake day?

 

“You only got lost in the pussy fog” – I'm starting to struggle with the style a bit. I feel like you make a point of taking as many words as possible to say what is happening, and in a rather oblique way that I need to work at to understand what is being said.

 

Where is the daughter when they are having rumpy-pumpy on the sofa?

 

“Aging sunlight glittered over the flask’s engraved surface, greeting him like an old friend as he lifted it from its hiding place” – To me, this means the sunlight greets him like an old friend, which leads to some subject confusion.

 

“He habitually brushed a thumb over the engraved decoration” – To me, ‘habitually’ describes something done over a long period of time, as distinct from ‘As was his habit, he brushed...’

 

“His frown made an epic comeback.” – Great line!

 

“Worst alcoholic ever. Probably should turn in that Eagle Scout badge” – lol.

 

I'm not one hundred percent clear on what his ability is, something to do with hearing? “freakish extrasensory abilities” – ah, okay.

 

“There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees” – You a Rush fan? Best- band- ever, bar none!!

 

“rising from the bank of the dry creek bed at the bottom of the ravine below” – cool image.

 

“He hadn’t asked didn’t ask for this” - ?

 

“unable to ignore the door’s lunatic song” – great line

 

“Now that he’d seen it, he knew he needed to clear out and enlist help while still remembering why he needed it in the first place” – and awkward phrasing, I thought.

[Marci]

Firstly, sorry about some of the details, I can get pretty pedantic and probably go too far in some of the points I flag. I certainly go to line level when something snags on my brain – apologies!

 

No need to apologize! I'm trilled with your feedback, and that you took time to read my submission.

 

 

So, very interesting submission, I must admit I struggled over the language to some extent. It’s in a very distinctive style, perhaps not immediately accessible to all readers. I felt that, to begin with, the narrative seemed to take as many words as possible to set out what was happening, sometimes in a rather oblique way, and I often found myself having to stop reading and go back to understand the message.

 

There have been many comments about the writing style, and I understand the difficulty you have with it. I'm attempting to be very deliberate with the language, here. Hopefully I can hold your attention.

 

 

I do like the premise. I'm not sure I like Baxter however. I get that he’s scarred by his ability, and that worked well for me. He is wonderfully dysfunctional with it, but I do find his often obscure quipping a bit annoying. He seems very self-absorbed. To round off though, I'm keen to read more. It might take me time to come to enjoy the style – same with many distinctive books on starting them. Good job. Hope to read more soon.

 

Baxter is very self-absorbed, and spends a lot of time in his own head, mostly because he feels isolated and lonely. He does have a few redeeming qualities, but also has quite a lot to answer for.

 

 

“On a rosy-hued, cake day like this” – What is a cake day?

 

A cake day is an awesome day, or an easy day. Like, piece of cake. I know. Phrasing.

 

 

Where is the daughter when they are having rumpy-pumpy on the sofa?

 

Er, they were doing the deed in Kim's bedroom. The couch is where Baxter would be banished to once they finished with the hanky panky because Kim didn't want him getting any bright ideas. They have an unreasonable on-again, off-again thing.

 

 

“There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees” – You a Rush fan? Best- band- ever, bar none!!

 

Indeed, I love me some Rush!

 

[Robinski]

“There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees” – You a Rush fan? Best- band- ever, bar none!!

 

Indeed, I love me some Rush!

 

 

Awesome!! Crying shame that they are hanging up their touring boots. They have no right to grow old like the rest of us - having discovered Xanadu an all.

[rdpulfer]

- Didn't get to this one last week, so I figured I'd read this first before jumping into the middle of this week's current section.

 

- Some of the language seems out of place, in particular "douchbag overactive imagination" doesn't really together.

 

- .The passage doesn't seem to move that much. You seem to spend just a bit too much inside Baxter's head. 

 

- Baxter's extrasensory powers are kind of glossed over. I like that they are treated so matter-of-factly, but it might be better if the reader had more of a chance to see Baxter using them.

[Marci]

- Some of the language seems out of place, in particular "douchbag overactive imagination" doesn't really together.

 

Er, yeah. That's Baxter-speak. I'm going to tone it down a bit.

 

 

- .The passage doesn't seem to move that much. You seem to spend just a bit too much inside Baxter's head. 

 

Others have pointed this out, as well. I'm coming to the conclusion I might be cutting this part of the chapter entirely.

 

 

- Baxter's extrasensory powers are kind of glossed over. I like that they are treated so matter-of-factly, but it might be better if the reader had more of a chance to see Baxter using them.

 

Thanks for this observation. I'm going to take advice from others, and use Baxter's internal dialog to explain his weirdness a bit better (if I don't indeed cut this entire part entirely).

 

Again, thank you! I appreciate your time, and the feedback. I've learned a lot over the last two weeks, for sure.

[rdpulfer]

Well, I'm glad it helped. I was excited to see Fort Wayne. I live in northern Illinois, previously from Ohio, so I've driven through Fort Wayne a couple of times. It's beautiful country.  

[Marci]

Well, I'm glad it helped. I was excited to see Fort Wayne. I live in northern Illinois, previously from Ohio, so I've driven through Fort Wayne a couple of times. It's beautiful country.  

 

I'm originally from DC/Maryland, but I love living in this area of the country (omg the lakes!!!), and I've always wanted to pay tribute to it.

 

Defiance, Ohio is one of my settings, as Baxter finds a door in a dive bar. The husband and I go to Defiance numerous times a year to pick up supplies of Cashman's BBQ sauce and Yuengling, and I've thus developed a soft spot for the town. We'd pass by that dive bar on the way home, and I became a little obsessed with it. Researching that joint was fun, I'll tell you.

[rdpulfer]

I think I might have been through Defiance a time or two. I'm originally from Lima, Ohio. Researching a place is definitely a lot easier when you can visit it!