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Osterix Chronicles


Patar

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Hey everyone! I just finished writing the first chapter for my project The Osterix Chronicles. I thought it might be fun to share it with you all! Now before you read, a word of warning: This isn't very good. At all. This is my first time trying something like this, so I know that I have loads of learning I have to do. But everyone has to start somewhere, right? Feel free to share any comments that you have! Constructive criticism is always welcome. I do hope that you guys at least find the concept interesting. I also don't know when the next chapter will be done. I'm having less and less free time with finals week coming up, and I've put off a bunch of projects that I shouldn't have. Hope you guys enjoy!

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T0Urf9YQ8YyVCLgqpe0u3RCnwBT729gZwtHL6IbmkDE

Edited by Patar365
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  • 1 month later...

Interesting story. One thing that I did notice was that Dirge uses his name at least 3 times within the first paragraph. It made him feel like a bit of a dumb brute, and I'm not sure that's what you wanted to convey. I'm curious as to where this is going, though.

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Nit pick: As useful as suck is as a verb for being bad at something it sounds a bit too modern for the setting.

 

I really like the story though, keep writing.

Noted! I'll try avoiding using that kind of terminology in the future.

 

Interesting story. One thing that I did notice was that Dirge uses his name at least 3 times within the first paragraph. It made him feel like a bit of a dumb brute, and I'm not sure that's what you wanted to convey. I'm curious as to where this is going, though.

After rereading that paragraph... you're absolutely right. I don't know why I used his name so much in that paragraph. Anyways, thanks for the feedback you guys! 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Violas are a myth :ph34r:

 

What is it about assassins that makes you want to write them funny? I had the same idea "I should write a spin off about the assassins in my universe... I could make it a comedy... or a comedy, comedy is the only way to go."

 

I dont have a problem with the dialogue, then again I dont even write dialogue, so I am the wrong person to ask.

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  • 3 weeks later...

"It is a serious scene, dont be so snarky throughout it"

 

At least that is what I would have said if I didnt have so storming fun reading it XD

 

I know how frustrating it is hearing "I like it", because if everything is good then how are you going to improve? But I really like it. I could probably find some flaws on a couple re reads. But as it is I just have too much fun reading it to notice the flaws.

 

 

Do you have an outline or are you purely discovery writing it?

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"It is a serious scene, dont be so snarky throughout it"

 

At least that is what I would have said if I didnt have so storming fun reading it XD

 

I know how frustrating it is hearing "I like it", because if everything is good then how are you going to improve? But I really like it. I could probably find some flaws on a couple re reads. But as it is I just have too much fun reading it to notice the flaws.

 

 

Do you have an outline or are you purely discovery writing it?

I have a general outline on how the story will go, but that outline can always change, and it more than likely will. Just after writing these first few chapters I've already discovered new elements that I can add to the story. Once I actually start writing, it gets much easier to plot out what I want to happen next. And thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

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I have a general outline on how the story will go, but that outline can always change, and it more than likely will. Just after writing these first few chapters I've already discovered new elements that I can add to the story. Once I actually start writing, it gets much easier to plot out what I want to happen next. And thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

 

Im the same, I can have an idea, but I dont know where to go with it until I start writing.

 

I am enjoying it very much, so keep writing!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Edit: Pictures are appearing.

 

So I think I should give a quick status update. I have been very busy these past few weeks, and have been unable to make any real progress. Hopefully, I can have chapter five finished within the next week or two. However, I can give you my visions on what the major characters in the story look like.

 

The Osterix: post-14018-0-08205500-1458592246_thumb.j

 

Asli Galan: post-14018-0-05591700-1458592278_thumb.j

 

Inia Joville: post-14018-0-62621700-1458592301_thumb.j

 

Kearn: post-14018-0-05152100-1458592321_thumb.j

 

Spadille: post-14018-0-60679700-1458592331_thumb.j

 

Sull Galan: post-14018-0-08022200-1458592363_thumb.j

 

The Fool: post-14018-0-30617700-1458592377_thumb.j

 

You haven't actually met The Fool yet, but you will. The only problem with what I used to make these characters is that the site is catered towards making younger characters. So while older characters like Dirge, Ro'ko, and Caian are important, I couldn't get them to look right. Even Spadille, who is in his forties, looks a bit to young in that picture. Anyways, sorry I haven't updated in a while. Thanks for being patient!

Edited by Patar
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  • 2 weeks later...

After what has been way to long of a wait, Chapter Five is finally finished! There has been one slight adjustment made. In Chapter Four, Asli, Adnam, and Sull run back inside in order to rescue Rared and Jarbly. I have changed this. I had originally planned for Asli and company to run inside and encounter Spadille and company, but I've decided that I wanted to take this in a different direction. Rared and Jarbly are safe, and they met their family outside. I hope you all enjoy Chapter Five!

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New Midnight Marinara, new episode of Jojo's Bizarre adventure and a new Osterix Chronicles chapter. Is this Springmas or something?

 

Im getting a bit too heavy Final Empire vibes from this chapter though. You got almost all slots filled in, just with different names. I can see Asli getting Vins role of spreading misinformation, the assassins are planning to turn the nobels against each other, you even have the enigmatic secret weapon of the evil ruler in the Sentinels and Wraiths. And they are planning to gather an army

 

It is not bad, it is just that Ive read this before.

 

I hope that criticism doesnt come off as destructive.

 

That said the parts you did come up with are interesting. Dire, stealing the cards (Where do Cards come from anyway?), the unknown assassin, the comedy.

 

You can probably tell an interesting Fantasy Heist story, you just need to figure out how to make it less Mistborn and more Osterix Chronicles.

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New Midnight Marinara, new episode of Jojo's Bizarre adventure and a new Osterix Chronicles chapter. Is this Springmas or something?

 

Im getting a bit too heavy Final Empire vibes from this chapter though. You got almost all slots filled in, just with different names. I can see Asli getting Vins role of spreading misinformation, the assassins are planning to turn the nobels against each other, you even have the enigmatic secret weapon of the evil ruler in the Sentinels and Wraiths. And they are planning to gather an army

 

It is not bad, it is just that Ive read this before.

 

I hope that criticism doesnt come off as destructive.

 

That said the parts you did come up with are interesting. Dire, stealing the cards (Where do Cards come from anyway?), the unknown assassin, the comedy.

 

You can probably tell an interesting Fantasy Heist story, you just need to figure out how to make it less Mistborn and more Osterix Chronicles.

I definitely was influenced A LOT by Mistborn in this chapter, and overall as a book, which is something I do intend to change. I hate to actually spoil what I plan on happening in the book, even as minor as it is,(very small spoiler on what I plan on doing with Asli-->)

but I actually don't have Asli meeting up with Spadille and company until late in the book. I originally had her joining them, but then it would be as you said, she would be Vin 2.0, and I didn't want that. I'm also not sure it would be entirely in character for a noblewoman to join a band of assassins immediately after they attacked her family. So I've decided to take her on a different route.

 

This is what actually took me so long to write this chapter. I pretty much realized I was writing Mistborn, so I took a step back and changed some things. The main thing I still need to change is them starting a class war, that just SCREAMS Mistborn. I don't know if they should attempt starting a war and it plays out in a different way, or if I should simply scratch the class war idea and think of something else. I decided that if I at least started writing as if they were starting a war, some other idea might come to me that would work better. If you have any suggestions, I'm definitely open to them!

 

As for the Cards, where they come from will probably be explained soon. As will how they work. Right now I haven't said much on how they work and what they do, or how they relate to The Osterix.

 

And your comments weren't destructive at all. I really need to separate myself from Mistborn, which is something I've been struggling to do. Thanks for the feedback!    

Edited by Patar
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I definitely was influenced A LOT by Mistborn in this chapter, and overall as a book, which is something I do intend to change. I hate to actually spoil what I plan on happening in the book, even as minor as it is,(very small spoiler on what I plan on doing with Asli-->)

but I actually don't have Asli meeting up with Spadille and company until late in the book. I originally had her joining them, but then it would be as you said, she would be Vin 2.0, and I didn't want that. I'm also not sure it would be entirely in character for a noblewoman to join a band of assassins immediately after they attacked her family. So I've decided to take her on a different route.

 

This is what actually took me so long to write this chapter. I pretty much realized I was writing Mistborn, so I took a step back and changed some things. The main thing I still need to change is them starting a class war, that just SCREAMS Mistborn. I don't know if they should attempt starting a war and it plays out in a different way, or if I should simply scratch the class war idea and think of something else. I decided that if I at least started writing as if they were starting a war, some other idea might come to me that would work better. If you have any suggestions, I'm definitely open to them!

 

As for the Cards, where they come from will probably be explained soon. As will how they work. Right now I haven't such much on how they work and what they do, or how they relate to The Osterix.

 

And your comments weren't destructive at all. I really need to separate myself from Mistborn, which is something I've been struggling to do. Thanks for the feedback!    

After taking a short walk and consulting Riem (My main character of a story I really need to write...) I have come up with the following ideas:

 

Have someone infiltrate the Osterix castle or whatever. Find out how he is immortal, Riem had the idea of stealing whatever reasons they have to be alive as well, but you may not want to do that if you want your heroes to be, well, heroes. Making immortals want to stop living could be effective, but it isnt exactly "good". I think infiltration could be interesting, finding out how the castle works, sneaking around, pretending to just be a servant or something. There is tension in that.

 

Something else you could do is have plans fail. Arming the common people (I think you should do that by the way, I like the idea of the crew stealing cards) and turning the nobels against each other could both fail, well, only one of them, it would be kind of boring if they both fail...

 

Third idea is to use the Sentinels and the Wraiths against the Osterix. I dont know if that would work as I dont know what they actually are, but it is an idea.

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I actually thought about having someone infiltrate the palace, but I'm not quite sure when I should throw it in. The idea definitely has merit though. I was thinking, and instead of starting a House War, I think that simply bringing down House Joville would cause the entire noble society to collapse, since the Jovilles are the keystone of the economy. Them falling would send the other noble houses into bankruptcy, which would effectively remove them from power. When that happens, the common people can strike. Do you like the sound of that idea?  

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I actually thought about having someone infiltrate the palace, but I'm not quite sure when I should throw it in. The idea definitely has merit though. I was thinking, and instead of starting a House War, I think that simply bringing down House Joville would cause the entire noble society to collapse, since the Jovilles are the keystone of the economy. Them falling would send the other noble houses into bankruptcy, which would effectively remove them from power. When that happens, the common people can strike. Do you like the sound of that idea?  

I think that sounds good, but why is the Joville family so important? Im ok with the handwave "Because I said they are", but it is more interesting if you can actually give a reason for why bringing them down would collapse the entire economy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chapter 6 is done! It is a bit shorter than the previous ones, but the next one will probably be much longer. As for why the Jovilles are so important, it is mainly because Cassyon and Laurent are such important members of the military, and possess more soldiers than all of the other houses. If they died, an incredibly large portion of the army would be without a leader, and without payment. Annick (the wife) is a fantastic businesswoman, and if she died, along with the other Jovilles, her money would have nowhere to go. I'll probably need to think of some other reason, but I can figure that out later. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! 

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  • 1 month later...

And after what has been FAR to long, Chapter Seven is FINALLY finished. I'm really sorry that it took so long, but the combination of personal problems and me trying to figure out where exactly I want this story to go led to me not having as much time to write as I would like. Hopefully I'll be able to write at a more consistent pace going forward. I would like to note one change:

 

I believe early in the book I detailed the dates of the first and second Voman-Lavia war. I am now establishing that the first war happened 25 years before the events of this book, and the second war occurred 2-3 years before. The death of Spadille's family occurs directly after the second war.

 

As always, criticisms are welcomed with open arms! Hope you enjoy!   

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