Scholomancer Chapter 35, 36, 37 and 38 3192 words (S,V)

[rdpulfer]

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. 

[Mandamon]

pg 2: Still not buying Irving using criminals.  It seems like a complete lack of common sense, which Irving has.

 

The next 2 chapters have some good tension, they keep me reading.

 

pg 16:  Wait--how is it a trap when they went through a secret passage?  Did the hunters find the passage?  Or maybe there's something missing in the description before this.  Where did the secret passage exit?

 

pg 18: "Renfield turned, pointing his gun at Bannister even if it left him wide open for one of the gunmen’s four buddies to put a bullet in 

his brain. "

--Why is Renfield pointing a gun at Bannister?  I didn't really follow what happened after this part.  Did Renfield shoot Bannister?  Who shot the gunman?

 

I wasn't big on the Irving chapter, as usual, I think because his choice with calling in the hunters was obviously a bad idea.  I didn't really have any comments on the next couple chapters, as they were were good in pacing and tensing.  In the last one, I got lost, some from the blocking and lack of description, and some from confusing context right in the last scene.  In a book, I would probably start reading the next chapter to see if things are clearer, but here I'm sort of left confused.  Hopefully the next submission will clarify.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Mandamon.

 

I agree with you on Irving using criminals. I think they will be more straight-up mercenaries or members of a rival group in the next draft, but I figured I'd see how this plays out for the writing group going forward.

 

I definitely need to describe more of the setting. That's something I often forget to do, and I think it definitely resulted in a lot of the confusion here. 

[Shrike76]

I mentioned it last time, but the banter between Renfield, Stephanie, Bannister, Rewer, and Evelyn strikes me as a bit excessive. What's bothering me more now is that since all we seem to get are sarcastic quips they all sort of come across as having exactly the same personality.

 

I wasn't fond of Irving's scene. We know the hunter's name now, and he licks his lips a lot (possibly too much), but it still doesn't tell me a whole lot about why Irving is so worried about what this guy will do when he finds Stephanie. As a result, I'm not particularly worried either about what this guy will do when he finds Stephanie.

 

The tension of the chase was cool, especially the confrontation between Stephanie and the other Westenra agents (or not Westenra, I guess we'll find out). I'm not entirely convinced that Stephanie would kill a Westenra agent, or even a normal human, without having it be a last resort because it's not something I remember having seen her do, but I guess we'll see how she spins or rationalizes it. I think I would have liked more description of the tunnels to understand what was going on. I get that it's dark, but dark tunnels still have sounds, smells, and textures.

 

I am curious to see how the rest of this combat plays out, and a little bit to see what happens when Kyle Mason comes onto the scene.

[rohyu]

I liked the escape scene, but before that part I found things a little slow. I didn't mind the banter, I just think there might be a little bit too much of it.

 

Pg5:“And still others claim it’s what provides the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on.”

 

This sentence was awkward. I think you meant, “And still others claim the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on.”

 

 

 

pg14: Uzi's use magazines.

 

 

 

Like Mand and Shrike, I was confused during the fight scene. The blocking for Bannister, Renfield, and Stephanie during the fight was hard to follow. I'm not sure why Renfield was the only one firing after Evelyn's attack.

 

I'm not sure if Evelyn's attack continued to spark for more than a moment. Did the electricity hang in the air, or continue to surge through the enemies illuminating the area, or did the tunnel return to darkness?

 

I'm not sure how the attacker got close enough to distinguish himself from the other attackers.

 

Also like Shrike and Mand, I enjoyed the tension of the escape scene, despite the obscurities. Given the choice I would have eagerly continued reading to find out why Stephanie killed the guy, and who the attackers worked for.

[rdpulfer]

 

pg14: Uzi's use magazines.

 

 

Doh! I fell victim to Brandon's magazine vs. clip confusion! 

 

Thanks for the feedback, rohyu and Shrike. We'll see more of Stephanie's reaction to her shooting a hunter in the next chapter, so we'll see what happens there. 

 

I really need to revise the setting here . . . it was really vague, and I think the action gets swallowed by the vagueness, but I have it in my notes to make sure the blocking works better once the setting is more concrete. 

[Kammererite]

Good tension through the action.

 

Pistol:. I don't know a lot about guns but a pistol seems a poor choice for defending in an assault with a strong room. Given Renfield military background i would think he would take an assault rifle.

 

Banter: I do like your banter but i agree with Shrike that your characters personalities are starting to blend together. 

 

On page 17.  The pistol erupted. Seconds later, the man...

 

This would be a second tops, given the proximity and the velocity of a bullet.  

 

As other mentioned the action got confusing and could use some more description to make it easier to follow. 

Then end was great. 

Still really enjoying this. 

Edited December 8, 2015 by Kammererite

[rdpulfer]

Thanks for the notes, Kammerite. I need to clarify my characters a bit . . . and refresh some gun points it looks like . . . and I definitely need to figure out the setting a bit more. 

[Robinski]

Pretty good submission, but I feel that it could be sharpened up by a good edit. It’s good to see the opposition closing in on them and a confrontation, and also very good to see some really (apparent) jeopardy, if only towards the end of the submission.

 

I thought that the challenging of loyalties and testing of peoples’ words given  could have been punched up a few notches too.

 

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“lip-smacking” – it’s not weird, it’s just icky.

 

“The only monster he had to worry about was Kyle Mason” – Not convinced by Mason. He feels like a caricature of evil.

 

“Your visions made make you invaluable” – more immediate.

 

“but very little few facts in the matter”

 

“And still others claim it’s what provides the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on” – Typos in this sentence, but the notion itself is demonstrably wrong. We know what Google runs on, there’s not mystery.

 

“Personally I’m more of a Mac man myself” – Macs still use Google. This quip doesn’t seem to work.

 

I don’t understand the stuff about her being burned when Steph is in discussion with Bannister and Rewer.

 

“Don’t think I haven’t forgotten your part” – Don’t think I’ve forgotten... is the correct phrase.

 

“Stephanie faced the would-be-wolf-man in the eyes” – There’s no other way to face him – self-evident.

 

“gazed at her unknowingly” – What is that supposed to mean?

 

“Who is they?” Rewer announced” – I would say an announcement is something other than a question.

 

“as he did had in the Master’s service” – CCC (Campaign for Correct Case).

 

“Apparently the Council put his its contacts with the black market to good use”

 

Why is there a scene break – it seems to be a direct continuation?

 

I felt that the end of the submission was a little confused, could have been better drafted, but still packed some punch.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Robinksi! I think I need to work on my scene breaks a little more. 

[Asmodemon]

I’ll echo what the others have already said, these chapters could do with some editing. The latter part wasn’t that clear and the start was awkward in that the way everyone talks to each other is banter, quips and sarcasm. There is good potential here to raise the tension, as hunters find them but Stephanie doesn’t want to go with them. For her especially as that’s a nice emotional conundrum. Does she shoot the humans to protect the monsters?

 

Some specific points I had:

 

Irving: A hell no, not another chapter of Irving on the phone. And oh look, just like I thought Irving’s psycho washout is going to be a problem for him. And he tries to fix it by employing more washouts. I’m still not liking Irving at all.

 

Tailed: The supreme council of all the monsters didn’t notice someone tailing them to their hideout? They just pissed off half a dozen vampires, they should at least suspect one might be following them to report their location to her master.

 

Dysfunctional:  Every time these characters talk to each other they are verbally trying to murder each other. This is the most dysfunctional group I’ve ever seen and I wonder how the council has stayed together for so long. Bannister especially sounds like a child throwing a temper tantrum every time he’s in a scene. To me, it gets old. And arguing while an attack force is moving in on them is not smart.

 

Renfield’s hearing: Why is Renfield able to hear troops coming up the stairs that are, presumably, outside the apartment? And he can hear them working their guns. Either his hearing is supernatural or this is happening right next to them.

 

Armory or escape: Hunters come up the stairs and Evelyn opens a secret passage. A passage that leads to a room. With suitcases. With guns in them. I get that Evelyn would have something prepared. As she says you get attacked by peasants with pitchforks long enough and you start to prepare, but it feels like an easy way out of a sticky situation.  

 

Tunnel: Wasn’t the apartment on one of the upper floors of the building? Weren’t the hunters coming up the stairs? I’m missing the part where the secret room high in the building has a passage that is a tunnel underneath the building.

It’s also not a very secret tunnel if amateur hunters can just breach it like that. I do like that they escape is foiled, but considering that the escape is foiled, and the escape tunnel appears just like a hallway with rooms (like the building itself?) you don’t need  an escape tunnel. You could have just as easily have had the fight and escape in the building itself. With the added bonus of civilians getting in the crossfire.

 

Bannister in the open: How did this gunman get a gun pointed at Bannister’s head. The last I read about him Bannister was in the passage, pressing his back against the wall. And Evelyn had moved past him to fire electricity into the room, and from what I read both Stephanie and Renfield were in front as well. Overall the last part was a bit confusing to read, as I had no idea what was going on (who’s shooting whom) or where everyone was in relation to everyone else.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Asmodemon. I'm thinking Irving will just contact straight-up freelancers rather than washouts. It makes a little more sense then hiring a bunch of crazy guys. 

 

Good point on the tailing. 

 

A big part of what I need to rework in this sequence is the blocking as well as setting. Fortunately, I think if I fix the setting, the blocking will come a lot easier.