Reading Excuses Scholomancer Chapter 13, 14 and 15 rdpulfer

[rdpulfer]

Renfield has betrayed his Master Dracula and trapped him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue their hunt for the Dracula, aware of this development. One hunter, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from a series of mysterious visions. Framed for the murder of a colleague, Stephanie seeks answers, while Renfield flees his own handlers - the monsters who opposed Dracula. The two collide during Stephanie's search. After a brief brawl, Stephanie falls unconscious from a vision, leaving her with a rather perplexed Renfield.

[Mandamon]

I thought this section had some better action, though there were a couple places I've noted below where I had problems with the blocking.  It was nice to see different POV characters meeting up.

I'm glad Irving was in some (perceived) danger about his lies.  Now I'm wondering who else he's going to throw in the mix.

 

One thing I was unsure of: why did Bannister show up right before he was going to change?  Surely he could have gotten someone else to chain him up.  It seemed a bit like he was there only to be a threat to Stephanie and Renfield.

 

 

Pg 4:  Irving is more developed here.  I like the moral quandary of using his wife for an excuse while rationalizing that he's doing it all for her.

 

pg 5: "rattling his barrel chest"

--this read awkwardly

 

pg 5: there's several weak words in the middle of this page: "seemed" "didn't really," "just kind of."  This slows the pace down to me and makes it less specific.

 

pg 8: "Look, I just this to talk to you, okay?”"

--something missing

 

pg 9: "“Untie my hands and I’ll shake your hands.”"

--this reads awkwardly with the repeated word

 

pg 9: “Stephanie,” she said, before moving her head right up the barrel. 

--I wasn't sure of the blocking here.  Renfield was waving the gun around before, and then it's against Stephanie's head.

 

pg 9: "No much her reputation preceded her"

--words missing

 

pg 10: I like that Renfield tells Stephanie about Dracula.

 

pg 12: "Her leg lifted, catching Renfield in the stomach."

--I would assume if her leg lifted, it would probably catch Renfield in the crotch instead.

 

pg 12: "taking note of the trainyard"

Did you say they were in a train yard before?  I though they were on a street somewhere.

 

pg 12:  also confused on the blocking with the barrel.  It reads as if Stephanie stumbled into the barrel, which then got thrown toward Bannister.

 

pg 12: repetition of "howled" in the last paragraph.

 

pg 14: "Something pulled him towards a train car. Renfield fought against the force. "

--not sure what's going on here.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Mandamon! I knew Bannister showing up to find Renfield on the night of full moon was going to be a problem the second I finished the first draft. I just haven't thought of a good excuse yet - but thanks for pointing that out! I also appreciate the blocking notes - that's something I'm going to have to work on. 

[Shrike76]

General notes:

Chapter 13: I really like Irving's characterization here. His thoughts about Sean, and his use of his wife as a shield, all this tells us about how he thinks in a way I don't think we've seen before. Also, a great chapter for putting pieces into play for future action. This chapter moves the story forward nicely. More like this, please!

Chapter 14: I like that Renfield reveals (vaguely) what happened to Dracula, but I wish there had been more to these two chapters. This was a really good opportunity to develop Stephanie and Renfield and move the story forward with information, but they skirt around it awkwardly and then Bannister shows up to ruin the party. It wasn't as fulfilling as I hoped it would be, and I think it could be punched up. As for Bannister, I wonder how he knew where Renfield was, and why he cut his arrival so close. I don't think there would have been enough time for Renfield to restrain him even if he'd started right away. 

Chapter 15: If Renfield is going to kick Stephanie's gun out of reach (would it even have been effective against a werewolf?) then I would have liked for him to provide for an alternate solution. If shooting isn't an option, are they just supposed to die? We're in his head, so what's he thinking?

Also, it's not the first time you've broken up an action sequence with different POVs (Renfield and Stephanie again). I find it takes away from the action and tension.

 

But aside from that, I think this was a pretty good effort, especially the first chapter. I'm curious to see what happens with Bannister, and also what Irving does next.

 

Specifics:

P2:

  - Paragraph three uses "co-workers" twice, and one instance should go.

  - "hands running down his belt" - Not down. Along maybe.

P3:

 - "and not always by accident" - Should this have been in quotations or italics? Otherwise it belongs with "Irving said" and makes no sense

P4:

 - "meaty hand on his should[er]"

P5:

 - "It's it his lead?" - Makes no sense

P7

 - "tires grating smoothly" - grating contradicts smoothly. I think you can do better describing this

 - "Where is [he] taking me?"

P9:

 - "Especially seeing how you introduce yourself" - This line feels redundant.

 - "Stephanie following[ed] it up with" & "the gun remains[ed] steady."

P10:

 - The headlight paragraph felt really abrupt and out of place with the rest

P11:

 - "You don't [have] a choice,"

P14

 - "litany of worse case scenarios" - worst

 - "Had he been too late?" - [Was he] too late?

P15

 - "instead of fear [on] her face."

 - "... sings of Bannister. He didn't [see/find] any."

[Asmodemon]

I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said above. What I’ve noticed most though is a gross level of incompetence in the characters so far. It’s stretching my suspension of disbelief as far as it can go.

 

Sean: Okay, there is no way he doesn’t know that Andy is incapable of leading a team to get Stephanie back. Even if he did get Hyde. This is so incompetent it borders on ridiculous. And there are no other team leads available? There is only one field team in the whole of the organization? With a threat like Dracula looming before them Sean is going to send one team that isn’t even at full strength with an untested leader? Does he want his company to fail?

 

Renfield and Stephanie: Dracula hates the Van Helsings. He apparently goes through a lot of effort to torment the family by turning the women into vampires, so he’d keep eyes on them. As his number one henchman Renfield should be in the loop – I still find it hard to believe he has no idea who she is, not even vaguely.

 

Bannister: Cutting it awfully close. That doesn’t seem smart at all. Even if Stephanie hadn’t tried her escape there is no way Bannister and Renfield had enough time to properly secure him. I had higher hopes for the werewolf. And Renfield dropping the gun while under attack from a werewolf is stupid too – sure he’d get in trouble with the council if he or Stephanie killed Bannister, but that’s a moot point if Bannister kills him.

 

Tied hands: Really? He tied up the hands of the hunter trying to kill him by tying them in front? Where she can still use them? I’m starting to wonder why Dracula kept this guy around. I’m also wondering how it’s possible Renfield got the drop on Dracula.

 

What’s her name: Again, really? She just introduced herself to him and he was all like ‘oh rust’. This isn’t some poor schmuck he can just forget the name of. She’s a Van Helsing. Mortal enemy.  I know I’m bad with names, but even I don’t forget someone’s name ten seconds after being told. Especially in a one-on-one situation.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks for all the feedback!

 

@ Shrike76 - Thanks for letting me know the Irving chapter worked. I'm still really debating cutting his POV altogether unless I get a sense that his POV is contributing to the overall story. I'll also give some thought to Renfield finding an alternative solution to shooting Bannister.

 

@ Asmodeon - Yeah, I think a lot of the characters' actions were set up for the ensuing werewolf attack in the next chapter. I definitely need to make the characters less bumbling, and I also need to figure out a compelling reason for Bannister to show up so close to the full moon. 

[rohyu]

I felt like Stephanie’s thoughts and actions when she was imprisoned and being questioned were authentic. I could see myself going through the same thoughts if I woke up in a trunk.

I don't remember anything about Irving's wife. Sorry if it is weekly reader syndrome, or if the info was talked about in the early chapters I wasn't around for yet. If the info is being introduced here, it feels late to me.

 

Pg1:“Their eyes darted away even as their heads all seemed inclined to wall towards him.”

I don't know what you meant there.

 

Pg5:““But what about Jason—“ Andy stammered. “It’s it his lead?””

This was confusing. 

 

Pg8:“In the distance, Stephanie saw the setting Dallas sun.”

How does she know she is in Dallas?

 

Pg9:““Especially seeing how you introduce yourself?””

I am not sure if you meant to use a question mark, or if I don't quite understand what was said.

 

Pg10:“No much her reputation preceded her she remained at Renfield’s mercy.”

That sentence confused me.

 

Pg11:“Was Renfield honestly tried to build up some kind of trust with this crem dung about him leaving his Master’s story.”

I think you meant trying and I think there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence.

 

Pg 12:Renfield had taken his focus off of Bannister, even dropped the gun to his side.

I think you meant taking his focus off of Stephanie. If not, then I think there needs to be more exposition about how Renfield is ignoring everyone.

 

Pg15:”Stephanie’s brown eyes turned large, but Renfield noted fierceness instead of fear her face.”

I think you forgot a word. “...fear on her face.”

“He didn’t any.”

I think you forgot a word again.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks rohyu. I'm really contemplating dumping the Irving chapters, so be sure to let me know if you think they are effective or not. I think the chapters bring in more about his motivations (his cancer-stricken wife) and give more details about other characters, but perhaps at the expense of suspense and pacing. 

[Robinski]

Notes below, conclusion, there is some progress of the plot, although not a great deal. A bit of tension, a bit of action. I read quite quickly through, but have to constantly steel myself against the typos and awkward phrasing.

 

My big gripe is the amount of stating the obvious, repeating things that the reader can clearly infer. For me, you need to cut a lot of the thoughts and let the reader infer the meaning / intentions of a line or dialogue, which are usually obvious.

 

I'm still involved in the story, Stephanie and Renfield (and Irving) are decent characters, although I have trouble believing some of their reactions / decisions. Some of the minor characters seem a bit like cut-outs.

 

I'm still happy to be reading. Apologies for the very late comments!

 

Chapter 13

 

I'm a bit confused from the off. I thought Irving was working with the Buyer, and their plan was to exploit Stephanie. Maybe it’s WRS (weekly reader syndrome).

 

I find it unbelievable that Westerna operates a 9-to-5 office, don’t they have some kind of 24 hour control room somewhere? Clearly the hunters work all hours, I struggle with the fact that there is not some kind of support for them. They then go into the OP centre – an OP centre that works 9-to-5?!

 

The women are wearing blouses and the men trench coats? This seemed weird to me.

 

I have never thought of Renfield as young. I put him maybe mid thirties?

 

Does he “lug” Stephanie rather than “lunge” her?

 

“I’ll do my best,” is not an encouraging response. Any decent man-manager would be having second thoughts about now. Andy sounds completely unmotivated and lacking in confidence. I would have thought that there would be other people on that team with a better mindset to lead.

 

I think you should finish the first chapter on “rooks”. We know Irving’s going to make calls. That last line kills the tension of the ending for me.

 

Chapter 14

 

I presume it’s a first draft. I haven’t commented on various drafting issues, I'm trying to stop doing that, life’s too short, but they are distracting. This said, as a case in point, Page 9 of the submission, repetition of “hands” in the same sentence.

 

Rookie question here probably, but why does she think he’s taking her to Dracula. Doesn’t everyone know that Dracula is presumed dead? Again, I'm probably just forgetting earlier events.

 

It bothers me the Renfield has such poor self-control that he almost goes to pieces when she says who she is. This is an experienced operative, I expect better ‘mind game’ chops from him in the field.

 

“boating accident” – rofl, great line.

 

Renfield dropping the gun goes again to his amateurism. It’s hard to imagine how he has developed any sort of reputation, unless it’s only for wrangling young, defenceless women.

 

What happened to Bannister’s first strike?

 

I think many of Stephanie’s thoughts are unnecessary. The reader can easily infer what’s going on or the correct thing to take from an action, her words mostly just repeat what is obvious already.

 

I'm thinking of other transformation to lycanthrope form (Harry Potter / Underworld). This seems tame by comparison, really only to do with the teeth. The phrasing suggests the transformation in complete (once-man), but is it really?

 

Chapter 15

 

“a litany of worse case scenarios quickly populated Renfield’s mind immediately following that thought” I find that wordy phrasing like this really slows down the action.

 

Should I know what “the twenty-one rule” is?

 

“He didn’t quite know why he had kicked the gun out of her hands. He just know he had to” This contradicts the sentence immediately before. The kicked the gun away because Bannister is off-limits, but the statement seems redundant anyway, as he’s not off-limits to a hunter, presumably.

 

“mentally groaned at the sight of Bannister being anyone’s therapist” – again, you don’t allow the reader time to laugh before you explain the joke

 

“A guttural howl charged through the air” – I think that word refers to ‘charged with tension / fear’, sort of thing, rather than charged like a bull.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Robinksi. This is very much a first draft - and one I wrote somewhat on the fly, with changing hours - so I apologize for the many, many, many typos. 

 

I definitely plan on spending more time making Westenra into a believable company - and yeah, they need a 24 hour op center.

 

I had both Stephanie and Renfield in their mid-to-late twenties. Not sure if this seems too young or not. 

 

Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like there's a lot I need to cut (and correct).

[Shrike76]

The women are wearing blouses and the men trench coats? This seemed weird to me.

 

It worked for Mulder and Scully...

[Robinski]

What I’ve noticed most though is a gross level of incompetence in the characters so far. It’s stretching my suspension of disbelief as far as it can go.

 

Yeah, this is by far my biggest issue with the story, mostly in relation to Renfield.

[Robinski]

This is very much a first draft - and one I wrote somewhat on the fly, with changing hours - so I apologize for the many, many, many typos. 

 

I had both Stephanie and Renfield in their mid-to-late twenties. Not sure if this seems too young or not. 

 

Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like there's a lot I need to cut (and correct).

 

Sorry, I'm a crabby old man!! I hereby undertake to stop carping on about the typos. Call me on it if I do again. That's bad critiquing on my part.

 

Mid to late twenties - I can buy that. Probably my 'old man bias' creeping in.

 

Inevitably with a first draft. I think you talked about cutting Irving's POV. I'll pipe up here and say that, for me, Irving's internal conflict between helping his wife and using Stephanie is one of the best aspects of the story, and I for one think the story would be diminished without it.

[Robinski]

It worked for Mulder and Scully...

 

ROFL - I'm re-watching X-files right now in anticipation of the new season! Great quip! My point is, Scully wears a jacket over her blouse. Why draw attention to Scully's blouse, but not Mulder's shirt? It just makes me think of society's innate sexism.

[rdpulfer]

Sorry, I'm a crabby old man!! I hereby undertake to stop carping on about the typos. Call me on it if I do again. That's bad critiquing on my part.

 

Mid to late twenties - I can buy that. Probably my 'old man bias' creeping in.

 

Inevitably with a first draft. I think you talked about cutting Irving's POV. I'll pipe up here and say that, for me, Irving's internal conflict between helping his wife and using Stephanie is one of the best aspects of the story, and I for one think the story would be diminished without it.

Thanks for piping up about Irving - I still haven't decided one way or the other. I figured I'd see what everyone thinks once the entire storyline plays out.

[Kammererite]

Overall I Liked these chapters, found them quick, and enjoyable to read. I will be catching up today and these submission is making moving on to the next group easy. I liked the action in the last two chapters and enjoy the interplay between Renfield and Stephanie, especially Renfeilds reactions/thoughts to her.

Irvings chapter was interesting and has got me thinking although i am I am having a hard time believing Sean can be so stupid and still be in charge. 

 

My only other issue is bannister cutting it so close and that was mentioned above. It did not even feel like Renfeild would have had time to get him chained up if he left as soon as Bannister showed up and said lets go

Edited October 24, 2015 by Kammererite

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Kammerite . . . those are some of the big issues I'm working with. I knew Bannister's arrival was going to be a problem. I'll have to come up with another reason to have him in that time and place. Thanks again for the notes.