Mandamon Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 This started from another writing prompt, but I wanted to try my hand at flash fiction and see if I can get it published somewhere. This shares some similarities with the last submissions, but isn’t necessarily the same story.What I’m looking for here: does this catch your attention instantly? Does it keep your attention the entire way through? Are there any unnecessary words or phrases? If you happened on the first paragraph of this online, would you keep reading it?Thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrike76 Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I thought this was good, and interesting. The premise is similar to one you had in the other submission of writing prompts, but we get a more clear look here at how an alien parasites functions and grows. Yes I would have kept reading after the first paragraph, but I think you could have put more information, or more specific information, early on. In particular, the second paragraph line of "his words exactly what I expected him to say", I would have liked to have known why that is significant. In some instances, someone saying exactly what you expect is normal, so what was special today? The biggest drawback to this story is that you telegraph what's happening very early (paragraph 6), and then we're just waiting to see what the POV character does with the information (which turns out to be not much, as he gets a plant of his own). Typically in flash fiction, if you're going to put a twist in, the reveal should be as close to the end as possible. Once I knew that biomass was encroaching and that he had something under his hat, I pretty much knew exactly what it was doing there. One unresolved question is why the weather was such as it was the previous week. Was that by design of this biomass, or really an accident? As an accident or coincidence, it feels forced. I think you have a missed opportunity with the hats. The friend produces a hat from out of nowhere in the last paragraph, but you could have shown it to us earlier and it would have been something we would have been curious about, and which would have closed a loop in a satisfactory way later on. Another punch that was held back was the nature of the biomass. We know it wants ideal conditions for itself, but is it just looking out for itself, or is it malevolent, or is it beneficial to the host? Possibly tough to expound upon in a very short work, but the payoff would be great. Unnecessary words: The paragraph where he asks if Chuck has had a cough could go. So could any mention about what's under the hats until the last 1/4 of the story or so. The character doesn't even need to be suspicious until the reveal. I think that would tighten the piece up quite a bit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted August 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 Great comments, Shrike. Thanks! I've done little to no flash fiction so the comments on timing and the reveal help a lot. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 - Honestly, based on the first paragraph alone, it was a little underwhelming. It's not quite the hook needed to grab the reader. Our focus is on the hat. What's interesting about it? The Weather Control is a far better hook. - I'd replace the first paragraph with the third paragraph - or at least large chunks of it. It's a lot more engaging. - The story really picks up when the woman walks by. That's when the reader knows something is up. - Despite the slow start, it's a good story. I really like the bait & switch element of talking about terraforming and weather control all while something sinister unfolds in the foreground. Good job! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted September 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Thanks! I like the suggestion of just cutting the first couple paragraphs. Great comments. Hopefully they will help me tidy this up a bit. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rohyu Posted September 3, 2015 Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 The final line of the first paragraph grabs my interest. The idea of correcting weather sounds interesting. I would have read the entire story if I found it online. This sentence confused me. “The sun was not so high in those harmful rays of my birth planet...” I think this sentence is superfluous. “I would soon track down the miscalculation in my department.” I think you established his intentions earlier in the same paragraph and in the last sentence of the first paragraph. I agree with Shrike about the biomass. I want to know more about it and the problems it causes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carcinios Posted September 3, 2015 Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 The flow of the story worked very well for me. I noted there was something wrong early on and whilst it may have been a fairly big hint I like seeing what is coming more than being kept in the dark. I think the only real trouble I had with the story was the world building. The concepts are all very interesting but with the length of story you are going for i.e. flash fiction there is not really much space for that. There were terms for what they were doing which either you understood or were jargon but there wasn't space to expand on what they were. When I am reading super short fiction I am much more interested in the characters than the setting. For example if the setting is described as a workshop then my mind will fill the room with all the tools I expect to be in there, with a bare minimum of description. that gives you much more time to fill out the character interactions. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 I enjoyed this. Very effective, I thought. I quite happily read on past the first paragraph, critiquing or not. I actually found that I didn't feel a great driving need to know more, which I think might be a good thing with flash fiction? I don't know. Maybe that was because I had read your earlier piece and knew something of what is (probably) going on.I enjoyed the formal, rather outmoded form of expression, as you might expect from reading my stories 'The Tontine Inn' by the Shore and 'The Mathematical Bridge'! This said, for a story involving space travel and colonisation, it did seems a bit out of place.As for extra words. I've marked in my SRN comments. I bet you could take 5% out of it if you tried! Looking at the other comments, I'm interested that two or three people picked out weather control as a particular interest, even a main strand of the story. It's important as a plot element because its where Protag works, but the concept itself it pretty run-of-the-mill to me. It's been around in SF for a long time, especially in controlled environments of man-made colonies, etc. I'm going to disagree about the sentence “I would soon track down the miscalculation in my department.”. I read almost no flash fiction, but I would have thought that this kind of sideways hinting would be good. He thinks it's some kind of systematic failure, but by this point, the reader already suspects that there are malevolent forces at work. I think this sentence goes to the plot and leads towards the reveal. Good job. An enjoyable piece. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted September 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2015 Thanks all! I'm out of town at the moment, and will respond as soon as possible! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kammererite Posted September 5, 2015 Report Share Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) I would have kept reading after the first paragraph. I liked the story but felt a little unsatisfied at the end and i couldn't figure out why until I read some of the comments above. For me the story felt more about what is under the hats, not the weather control. And i really wanted to know what is under the hat. I might have missed it but it is never clearly stated but you elude to vegetation i think? If this reveal/twist was latter i think it would have worked better for me. Also the word goggled felt odd. All and all cool story. Edited September 5, 2015 by Kammererite 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted September 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2015 Kammerite--this was in response to a prompt on Lovecraftian horror where you don't actually show what the horror is, so that's why I didn't describe it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 6, 2015 Report Share Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) Kammerite--this was in response to a prompt on Lovecraftian horror where you don't actually show what the horror is, so that's why I didn't describe it. But there's no "unspeakable, unimaginable horror beyond the mind's ability to contemplate..." :oD Edited September 6, 2015 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted September 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 I was trying to cut down on the adjectives... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 I was trying to cut down on the adjectives... It's been a while since I read any Lovecraft, but I still have nightmares about the adjectives. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted September 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 Great comments from everyone. Interesting that several picked up on the weather control. That was honestly a throw-in to have an action for the characters to talk about, so I'll need to reconsider what impact it makes and where the focus of the story should be. It's definitely about the hats, and what's underneath, but I'm not satisfied with the horror aspect (which I'm not very good at). I'll work on this one some more this week. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 For me, the weather is central, in the sense that it's the reason our 'hero' is in the story at all, his profession. That said of course, if it wasn't him it would be someon else I suppose. I just didn't think that weather control was a big deal. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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