Funniest scenes from the Alcatraz series?

[The Honor Spren]

I saw a topic like this on The Stormlight Archives forum and thought, "Hey! We should do this for Alcatraz, because even though Stormlight is Brandon's best work, Alcatraz is the funniest! Think how many people would wet their pants and spit all over them self from laughing!" (As you can tell I'm not a very nice person. I think I'll be a novelist someday)

ANYWAY, please comment below with your favorite funny scenes from Alcatraz! I'll try not to take them all, so I'm restricting myself to only 5 *sigh* it's so hard to be me.

1. This reference:

"I think I'll go for a walk. . . ." Grandpa Smedry said cheerfully.

"Wasing not of wasing is," Quentin added.

2. New words! Someone! Quick! Add it to the dictionary!

Definition of "crapaflapnasti": "Adj. Used to describe an item that is as disgusting as fish sticks." (Note: This word can only be used to describe fish sticks themselves, as nothing had yet been found that is equally crapaflapnasti. Though the unclean, moldy, cluttered space under Brandon Sanderson's bed comes close.

3. In which we learn how awesomish and manlyish Alcatraz is.

I glanced to the side, then jumped as I saw an enormous reptile crawling along the sides of the buildings towards us. Like a spider crawling along the front of a fence.

"Dragon!" I yelled, pointing.

"Brilliant observation, Smedry," Bastille noted from beside me.

I was too alarmed to make an amazing comeback. Fortunately, I'm the author of this book, so I can re-write history as I feel necessary. Let's try that again.

Ahem.

I glanced to the side, whereupon I noticed a dangerous scaly lizard slithering its way along the sides of the buildings, obviously bent on devouring us all.

"Behold!" I bellowed. "'Tis a foul beast of the nether-held. Stand behind me and I shall slay it!"

"Oh Alcatraz," Bastille breathed. "Thou art awesomish and manlyish."

"Lo, let it be such, I said.

4. Violence is not the best solution to problems.

For instance, the next time you get attacked by a group of angry ninjas, one solution would be to kick the lead ninja, steal his katana, and proceed to slay the rest of the group in an awesome display of authorial fury. While this might be fulfilling--and a little bit fun--it would also be rather messy, and would earn you the ire of an entire ninja clan. They'd send assassins after you for the rest of your life. (Having to fight off a ninja in the middle of a date can be quite embarrassing.)

So instead of fighting, you could bribe the ninjas with some soy sauce, and then send them to attack your younger siblings instead. That way you can get rid of some unwanted soy sauce. See how easy it is to avoid violence?

5. (After telling you to act out this book)

We burst out of the room into a hallway, where I hopped up and down on one foot three times, then punched myself (softly) in the forehead. After that we flapped our arms like chickens. Then we twirled around, smacking our brother if he happened to be near. Then we stuck our feet in our mouths before dumping pudding on our heads while singing "Hambo the Great" in Dutch.

There is NO MORE NUDITY. You can proceed with acting out the rest of this chapter if you want.

I stood on my head while singing "The Star Spangled Banner" and juggling live trout with my feet.

Oh, wait. I hope you weren't wearing only a Mokian wrap like me. Sorry about that.

Again, please comment below with your favorite funny Alcatraz scenes! Thank you!

[Purelake Earthquake]

Alcatraz 4 had possibly one of my favorite jokes I've seen in a novel.  I don't know the exact quote, but:

 

When reintroducing Shasta, Alcatraz lists the horrible things she's done, including ... killing Asmodean.

 

Also, I don't remember which book the "path of yeast resistance showed up"; I think it was two or three, but that's another one of my favorites from the series.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Purelake Earthquake

[Art-Zealot]

Oh gosh, this thread. This I will have to get in on--if only to remember what scenes to bookmark if I ever want a good laugh at some point in the day. ;]

 

The entire Hamlet sequence in Book 4 has to be one of my favorites but there are so many gems in each book. One I came across recently was in Book 2, Chapter 16:

 

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be floating around with burning eyes, offering illicit books to people as if I were a drug dealer looking for a new victim."

(Hey kids, want a taste of Dickens? It's awesome, man. Come on. First chapters of Hard Times are free. I know you'll be back for Tale of Two Cities later.)

[WayneSpren]

1. This reference:

"I think I'll go for a walk. . . ." Grandpa Smedry said cheerfully.

"Wasing not of wasing is," Quentin added.

 

That's high imperial, isn't it? Quentin could be Spook...

[WayneSpren]

Funniest Scene: 

 

Grandpa Smedry goes over to a wall cooler full of oil cans and says "I think I'll have a cool, refreshing drink!"

Edited June 11, 2015 by WayneSlider123

[Mestiv]

Nothing beats their way through Librarians camp in book 4 when everyone quotes Shakespear. I just had to stop reading in the bus and wait till I'm home to finish. It was too embarasing to laugh so loud in public. Too bad it's a whole chapter so too much text to quote here

[Allomancy]

"I am stoopid".I keep quoting that.

The page with the smiley face. "Great. Now its upside down." Etc. For that scene.

[Supreme King Z-arc]

The part where grandpa Smedry  swears and alcatraz goes "grandpa I want this to be a children's story" and grandpa says "make sure you spell it right