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20150526 - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 9 - 4789 words (-)


Robinski

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Hi there,

 

Here is Chapter 7 of The Mathematical Bridge. The last submission encompassed the scene introducing Tarquin and showing his fatal rendezvous with a young couple in Paris. Now we return to Cambridge, where Blacklake has met with Judith, who has gained an opportunity for him to exhibit in her place of work. Meanwhile, Sabine has arrived in Cambridge, and Tarquin has said he is coming there. Blacklake knows from bitter past experience that they pose a real threat to him, but more so to Judith.

 

With this submission, we are half way through the story. I’d like to keep submitting. What do you think? There don’t seem to be a lot of people commenting at this point, so the alternative is that I put the rest of the story up on the Alpha Readers’ thread for anyone who wants to read the rest. Thoughts?

 

Cheers, Robinski

Edited by Robinski
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Well, I for one would like to keep reading more! It's up to you, but I think with feedback it's more quality than quantity. If you want to put it on the Alpha Readers' thread, that's fine too, but I look forward to reading this story week in and week out :)

 

- I like Blacklake's connection with Judith, but I'm still not sure if he would be happy with the meeting with Sabine so fresh in his mind. Still, it's a refreshing change of pace for the characters, even if it is a brief one.

 

- I really like the analogy of the thought coming to him like a fish brushing against his leg - it's a very vivid and unique image.

 

-  On page 16, it probably should be "They only make for more washing."

 

- I like the scenes intercut of both Judith and Blacklake making art. It shows the differences in both their styles and their attitudes.

 

- I wouldn't mention that omit that Judith was unconscious when she fell on the pavement. I would just say she fell on the pavement and blacked out, that way it could build suspense about what actually happened to her.

 

- I really liked the ending message from Sabine. It definitely raises the stakes. 

 

- Overall, it's a good chapter and definitely a good halfway point. I definitely want to see what happens next, no matter where you put the rest of the manuscript. 

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As to continued submissions, it's getting pretty thin on the comments for my stuff too.  I'm a little farther on, so I'm going to forge ahead and see what I get.  Anyway, whether you post in the Alpha Readers thread or here, you know I'll read it!

 

pg 1 "his first thought on walking "

--"waking," I assume

 

The next three pages are just Blacklake thinking, which tends to bog down a bit.  I don't think you even have any movement tagged, so for all I know, he's just sitting unmoving at a table for an hour.

 

pg 4: "Today Judith went through the motions."

--seems unnecessary.  We know she's washing things.

 

pg 7: "but never to the extent that serious developed"

--something wrong here

 

And then Judith does some thinking for a further 3 pages.  She's at least washing clothes at the time.

 

pg 13: Good play between what Blacklake thinks about Sabine and what actually happened

 

pg 15: "Think things through the elder John Blacklake"

--"through, the"

 

pg 16: I feel like two glasses of wine probably don't help with making a robust shield...

 

 

I liked the latter half of this section more than the former.  At first, there was quite a lot of thinking going on, and not much doing.  Later, you have some good tension between what happens with Judith and Sabine, and Blacklake's self-imposed ignorance.  I'm interested to see what happens at the party, and whether Sabine has Judith in tow.

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@RDPulfer: Thank you for the comments, they are very welcome and much appreciated. I really do appreciate you two, my loyal critics - I will press ahead, your positivity is a great boost each week!

 

@Mandamon: Thank you, I can always trust you to call me on things - too much thinking, it's always been my problem   ; o )

I think I would cut back on Rutland's thinking or generate some kind of action through it, since Judith's is more justified by the context, I think.

Good point on the wine - I'll call him on that, perhaps in retrospect.

 

Glad there were things that worked for yous* in this chapter - more next week - slots permitting.

 

 

(Glaswegian: the plural of 'you'.)

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