20150427 - Fruits of the Gods Ch13 (3657) - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Previously:

Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.

All comments welcome!

[rdpulfer]

- I'm really curious how one is "made" into a Noble, and I like Kisare's misgivings about the whole thing.

 

- I like seeing them train to use the Fruits more. Since this is from Kisare's POV, we probably should see this process up close. How does it feel to balance at the top of a wagon writing her name into air currents?

 

- I liked that you contrasted how the sisters arranged their hair . . . Beli tying her hair back and Kisare letting her's fall where it would . . . that's a very subtle characterization on your part. Good job?

 

- I thought it was interesting that Nobles dyed their hair too, and had little more magic hair coloring than the slaves. It really shows how artificial their rule is.

 

- I'm interested to see how Lila's daughter fits into all of this.

 

- I'm also really curious how the abolitionist angle pays off, especially in regards to Gemeti's character.

 

- All and all, a good build-up chapter. I just hope they get the Capital soon - the suspense is killing me! 

[Esaias]

Kisare and Belili are opposites in a lot of ways and I like how it’s shown.

 

grounvbd

 

I like the worldbuilding in this section.

 

Abolitionists sound like fun.

 

There are a few too many breaks. Some of the sections could probably be merged together.

 

The sisters are a bit passive here. I’m hoping that will change when they get to Karduniash.

[Mandamon]

Thanks to you both for the comments!

 

@rdpulfer: I do feel like I shorted the "training montage."   I'll probably add some more to that in the rewrite.  I had some other comments on "making" nobles, and what defines a noble vs. a slave, and is there anything in between.  I'll add some more detail to this later.

Glad you liked the characterization base on hair coloring and arrangement.  I was hoping that would get across.  As for getting to the capital, thing will be happening next week! 

 

@gwslow: I know what you mean about the section breaks.  I tried to limit them to when a significant amount of time, or a scene shift happened.  I'll try to consolidate some.  As mentioned above, the next chapter will give you some changes, and I hope you will see the sisters being more active.

[Mr. Wednesday]

-Wow, great chapter! The writing itself had a really nice flow to it, but I agree about the unnecessary scene breaks. I honestly felt like you could have just waited until the paragraph that starts "Three days after that" for the first scene break. Everything before that would have worked well as one continuous section, even if longer stretches of time are passing. 

 

-At two different times you imply that Gemeti is pulling items out of thin air, which I think is a really nice character moment. It feels a little glossed over, however, because both times you just say that she "produced them from somewhere". Maybe change the wording of this phrase at least one of the two times it's used?

 

-"She was starting to realize that some of the flightiness she had always assumed about her sister might be covering for something else." This is a really nice character moment. Overall, this whole section had some great internal moments like this. I felt like you deepened Kisare's character in subtle but very effective ways.

 

-The paragraph beginning "'Here, we are two weeks..." has a few small typos, while the rest of the chapter is pretty clean. Just a couple punctuation errors that I'm sure you'll catch on your next pass.

 

-"There was at least one dress in there, though of simpler material, though Gemeti also was wearing pants beneath them." The two "thoughs" right next to each other are a little awkward.

 

-The last section felt kind of tacked-on to me. Is it supposed to be the end of the chapter or the beginning of the next one? It seems to me like the chapter has a much more natural end with the two girls going to bed in the second-to-last section. Going back to a description of their travel, especially such a short one, seems best saved for the beginning of a new chapter.

 

All in all this was a really nice chapter. Great description and character development, and really smooth writing. 

[Mandamon]

Thanks, Mr. Wednesday!

I think this whole chapter is due for some reworks and definitely fewer scene breaks.

 

Good catches on the multiple word uses.  I tend to find a neat phrase and then accidentally use it multiple times.

 

Glad you like the character development.  I know I need to add some more of that sort of thing earlier on as well.

 

I think you're right on the last section.  It might fit better at the beginning of the next chapter.  Let me know what you think when we get there.