20150427 - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 6 - 4485 words (-)

[Robinski]

Here is Chapter 5 of ‘The Mathematical Bridge’. Thank you for sticking with it. The more I go through trying to touch-up each submission before emailing, the more flaws I find. The POV in this chapter is a bit scatter-gun, apologies for that. I didn’t really have much appreciation of POV when I wrote this 3 years ago, certainly not at the level I have now from Writing Excuses and critiquing etc. Hope you can get past that.

 

Blacklake agreed to meet Judith to look at her art and give her a critique. Going to meet her, he was waylaid by an encounter with Tarquin in his mind. The monster-in-chief has promised to visit Blacklake in Cambridge. Blacklake had a minor breakdown of sorts following the encounter.

 

As ever, comments very much welcomed.

[rdpulfer]

- What exactly is "the favour of her employer"? Is she going to be expected to pick up more hours or something . . . more awkward? You might want to clarify it.

 

- I know I say this every time, but what out for run-on sentences. I know this is supposed to be more a period piece, but the prose still feels a might much sometimes. I think just having the spelling and the tone of a period novel is enough.

 

- The POV switches a lot between Blacklake and Judith. I understand why you did this . . . given what Blacklake has just been though - but it might be better to pick one or the other. I think Judith's is the stronger POV because we haven't seen much from her perspective, and it builds suspense how Blacklate will react after his breakdown.

 

- The section when Judith hands Blacklake her portfolio. I love watching Blacklate's reaction to each paragraph, but you might think about breaking it up a bit.

 

- Overall, I liked this chapter, since it mostly was Blacklake interacting with Judith. I can't wait to read the next one! 

 

- 

[Mandamon]

I didn't actually mind the POV switches here, except for the first one, which I've marked below.  It is a little schizophrenic, but it does bring us closer to both of the characters.

 

Pg 2: "‘The second thing I will ask is how you came to this state, but first please give me your name.’

 

Her words were clipped, her tone short. Blacklake supposed that he deserved that. ‘My name is Rutland Blacklake, although my given name was John.’ Why would I tell her that?

--POV indeed!  I think this is a switch from Judith to Rutland, and you seem to stick with Rutland after, but it's very abrupt. (edit: this was the only quick switch I saw.  All the others were well delineated)

 

‘My name is Rutland Blacklake, although my given name was John.’

--Is this something that would have been common, to adopt a different name?  It sounds almost as if he's using "Rutland" as a title, like "Lord Foofypants, Earl of Cupcakeland, but my given name is Bob."

 

pg 3: "She thought t gave rise to darker feelings "

--something missing here.

--Also, I find this whole section interesting.  It's Judith's POV, but since Rutland can read minds, it works for him to narrate her feelings rather than her.

 

Pg 5-8: We get a good sense of how Judith is droning on, and I would say it gets a little boring for the reader as well, but on the other hand, it does get her nervousness at showing the drawings across well.

 

Pg 8-10: Also a good discussion of her pieces...if you like that sort of thing.  I sort of skimmed through it a little to get to the point of the section.  Again, it does what it intended, but do the drawings tie into the story in any way, aside from the reaction of life vs. death?

 

pg 11: "Blacklake had deliberately closed off of his inhuman senses when they met on the street some time ago that day. "

--Do you mean her turned it off when she met him in the rain, or before then?  Also, if this is the case, how is he reading her mind in the section on pg 3?

 

pg 13: "managed to engage him on the subject of hanging in Fitzbillies"

--what does this mean?

 

I like the revelation at the end that Judith figures out he has feelings for her.  But at the same time, I don't think Blacklake's menace as a predator is that high in this story.  He's said he is, but we haven't really had a lot of examples.  It would be more creepy if I was afraid he might do something to her, but I'm not at the moment.

 

Things are progressing, and I'm looking forward to what will happen when Rutland, Judith, and Tarquin all converge.

[Robinski]

Thank you guys, great comments as ever, it's a real pleasure to read your perspective each week and find what work for you and what didn't. It's always intriguing how things hit and miss.

 

@rdpulfer:

 

- asking the favour was in terms of her employer considering Blacklake for the exhibition at Fitzbillie's Tea Room,

- totally guilty on the run-on sentences. Pretty sure I fixed a fistful of them, but I'm sure there are more - sorry! I'll get them all in the end.

- and here's one of those quandaries, since Mandamon seems okay with the POV switches - apart from the first one, which is jarring, granted,

- breaking up the viewing - check - I will do that, it's too crammed

 

Much appreciated, thank you - incredibly valuable to have your perspective.

 

@Mandamon:

 

- pg.2 - hmm, note what you say about the title 'effect', I'll need to think about that. In the meantime, I am to write a short story starring Lord Foofypants, Earl of Cupcakeland, but his friends call him Bob,

- pg.5>8 - droning, hmm, it seemed to work for RDP, another one of those quandaries,

- pg.8>10 - "if you like that sort of thing" lol - has Drew hacked your RE log-in?

- pg.11 - yeah, that's a continuity error - now fixed,

- pg.13 - meaning managed to engage her in discussion about hanging his pictures at the tea room,

 

I totally accept your point about Blacklake perhaps exuding more menace towards Judith, or just greater menace in general - I'm happy to look at that, it seems like the right way to go.

 

Super comments, thank you Bob - sorry, Mandamon.

[Mandamon]

- pg.2 - hmm, note what you say about the title 'effect', I'll need to think about that. In the meantime, I am to write a short story starring Lord Foofypants, Earl of Cupcakeland, but his friends call him Bob,

 

- pg.8>10 - "if you like that sort of thing" lol - has Drew hacked your RE log-in?

 

I will certainly read the adventures of Lord Foofypants, Earl of Cupcakeland, but his friends call him Bob.  I was hoping you'd take that one on ;-)

 

 

And Lol.

[Mr. Wednesday]

There's some really good stuff in this chapter, but I think the POV shifts are hurting you more than helping you. Maybe I've been too indoctrinated by my Writing Excuses marathon, but this seems like a lot of "head hopping" to me. Personally, I feel like Blacklake's POV isn't contributing much to this scene overall, and it would work just as well, if not better, if it were told entirely from Judith's perspective. The only possible exception would be toward the end when Blacklake ponders his feelings for her, but that you could separate with a line break. You do a really good job of changing up your language to reflect each character's viewpoint, so I think it would work nicely if you just did it in larger chunks.

 

I personally loved his analysis of her work. The amount of detail illustrates his expertise, and establishes a nice contrast in their level of experience and knowledge. I was right there with you through that whole section. Those kind of technical details could easily seem like they were just wedged in there, but in this case they actually felt really natural to me.

 

Pg 5: I feel like the word "warming" is kind of awkward. Maybe warmth?

 

I think you do a good job of evoking the time period with your language and sentence structure. Because that tone is fairly consistent, the few moments in which you actually deviate from it kind of stick out to me. Two examples that felt just a little too modern to me were on page 2 when you said "became a drag on her consciousness", I don't know if "drag" is an appropriate word in this context but it felt a bit modern; and on page 7 when Judith thinks that what she said was a "stupid" statement. Maybe choose a slightly more antiquated word like "foolish"? Just a thought. Overall the tone works well.

 

On page 10, the paragraph breaks in the dialogue obscure who's speaking. When Blacklake says "Who is this boy, a sweetheart?" you start a new paragraph and it implies that Judith would be the one speaking. It's just a bit confusing for the reader.

 

Pg 11 In the second paragraph you use the word "torn" three times in quick succession. Maybe mix it up a little.

 

Overall, a very interesting interaction between those two characters. Nice job!

[Robinski]

Thank you Mr. Wednesday - I very much appreciate you diving in it this point. Very helpful comments.

 

The POV shifting is a mess, totally agree - obviously, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but really... I tend to agree with you on going with Judith. I'm so glad the art critiquing worked for you, I think that makes it a majority in favour, so the doubters will have to like it or... not.

 

warmth - probably,

drag - hmm, I'm not sure, I know it could be taken as a hippie sort of comment, but I felt it worked in a completely straight sense,

foolish - definitely, what was I thinking

torn - will totally fix that

 

Glad the chapter worked for you. I will certainly fix those issues that you've flagged. Many thanks.