Haradion Drogon Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Review Topic for Chapter One of the Bloodlands. Here we are introducing Ethen, the Main VPC and Xerress, and also introduceing the Primary antagonist as well. Please tell me what you think. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eri Posted November 6, 2012 Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) Some infodumps, long descriptions and PoV issues (switching between limited and something that sounds omniscient), but you can fix that after you write the whole story. I'm not sure if the bad guys are best VPC for first chapters. My biggest problem with feeling a connection to those characters is that they're evil. Or seem. Are they protagonists? After the prologue clearly shows them as antagonists... I know it can be done properly, but in this case does not work for me. The witch has some interesting conflict, though. I don't like her (eeevil) but I'd probably like to read more about her. Much more than the brothers who have actually no conflict yet, just wander around. The antagonist witch is well introduced, I clearly thought "oh, this one is going to be the VPC's biggest rival". PS: I do not like evil characters in general, so I may be biased. Edited November 6, 2012 by Eri 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haradion Drogon Posted November 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 Thanks for the review. Without apoiling the story, Ethen is the main protagonist, whilst his siblings mantain a more neutral role, and Xerress becomes the main villian - though most the high witches are unpleasent. The next chapter will introduce the othe VPC and the other faction. Events are in motion. Without giving too much away, as the story progresses Ethen's perception and the readera. And believe me. There will be pleany of conflict as the syory progresses. Thanka for the critique. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 6, 2012 Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 I still like your ideas, but this one is even rougher than the prologue. I know you're still writing, but you might consider a once-over for punctuation and spelling. Make sure the first (non dialogue) sentence is stong--it reads rather awkwardly and doesn't have correct grammar. In general, the first part of this section has the same problem as prologue: There's one bite of info, and then a long section of description. Let the description come after you've sucked us in. Your dialogue sounds stilted...it needs more punctuation to control the flow of the speech. Page 4 top sounds a little maid and butler, explaining about bloodmagic in the family. page 5, you stop again for a lengthy discussion of bloodmagic. You need to get me attached to the characters first to care. Mid page 7: You make a point that the witches won't say acknowledge lateness, but one raises an eyebrow to get her displeasure across, and then another makes a snarky comment about starting late. Sounds like they're acknowledging her lateness to me. Page 11: sending Xerress seems like a plot contrivance. Why did the other witches decide to send her? Just because she was late? That seems unlikely, but you've given no other reason why the rest of the witches (who all seem to hate each other equally) ganged up on her. As to Xerress being the villain, I don't get that impression, though I do agree it's too early to be spotlighting a villian as a POV. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that Xerress is the mother of the boys in the first section. I suppose she could become their antagonist, but she's clearly worried about them here. It's going to take a lot a character development to bring them to opposite sides. Great for the story, if it's done correctly! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eri Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 Page 11: sending Xerress seems like a plot contrivance. Why did the other witches decide to send her? Just because she was late? That seems unlikely, but you've given no other reason why the rest of the witches (who all seem to hate each other equally) ganged up on her. Disagree. For me it seems like there is some interesting politics and scheming we haven't seen yet, and the fact that they're sending her is an outcome of that. I hope we'll learn the reasons later. As to Xerress being the villain, I don't get that impression, though I do agree it's too early to be spotlighting a villian as a POV. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that Xerress is the mother of the boys in the first section. I agree here, I thought the other witch is going to be the antagonist. The one that sends her far away. And Xeress seemed a protagonist. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haradion Drogon Posted November 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) You'll see. None of the witches are pleasant. The older ones are what was left of Mardrade's army, whilst the others the offspring of the survivors. Decades of exile from their homes have embittered them further, and they were all wrathful and power hungry to begin with. You are right there are inter-politics - those are not the focus of the story, they serve to.create the events that affect the story. Things will make more sense once the see where the story is heading. P.s sorry for the spelling and grammar is bad here, I am doing this on my phone. Edited January 2, 2013 by Haradion Drogon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trizee Posted November 10, 2012 Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 About the protagonists coming from the evil side... If you want Ethen to be your good guy, you should probably establiish right away that he's good. Having him use blood magic and relishing its power doesn't exactly make hm feel good to me- his character is likable enough, but his actions make me affiliate him with the bad guys- Liethen would be the more obvious choice for the good guy because of his aversions to blood magic. Xeness- If you want her to be the antagonist, you might want her thoughts be a bit more evilish- worrying about your children isn't exactly something I connect with being bad. The other witches all seemed a lot more evil to me. One other thig- how come Liethen knows more about bloodmagic than Ethen does (Ethen asks him where to cut him) if Ethne is the one with the magical abilities? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haradion Drogon Posted November 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) Does Ethen ask where to cut him? that may be a typo, but I am sure it's Lieneth who asks, and seeks confirmation. Bloodmagic is not inherently evil. It requires a sacrifice to use it. The magic systems in the story all have the same root, and I won't give that away just yet, but they are not "evil" as such. It is treated with suspicion by the others, because it is associated with Bloodlanders. It was used for terrible things, but only in the same way any science has been used for evil. At the same time, is relishing a power you have - evien if it's attainment is a little creepy - a sign of evilness? he has Power, he likes using it, but is that any different to have him wielding a sword and enjoying that? Again, things will make sense in later chapters. For now, let me just say, that events will transpire that force Ethen to end up working with the Duchies for a time. No person is truly Evil. Xerress is bitter at being forced to live in a wasteland. So is Ethen. As a race of people, they blame the Duchies for their misery. There is another set of protagonists that haven't made an appearance yet though, and they are from the duchies. As you can probably guess, a large theme for the story is that nothing is black and white. War is imminent between the races and the witches are instigating it. But that does not make the ordinary person evil. For an analogy - in WWII, not every single German was a monster. Some were. Particualy the leaders. but there were good and wicked men on both sides in that conflict. Thank you for the advice. Please don't think that I am not valuing it because I am arguing it, but I want you to understand why I have written in such a way. I will make it abundantly clear who is the good guys later on. It becomes... polarized to to speak, with people taking sides. For now, consider everyone neutral. Thanks for the critique! Edited January 2, 2013 by Haradion Drogon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trizee Posted November 10, 2012 Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) As you can probably guess, a large theme for the story is that nothing is black and white. War is imminent between the races and the witches are instigateing it. But that does not make the ordinary person evil. FOr an analogy - in WWII, not every single german was a monster. Some were. Particuly the leaders. but there were good and wicked men on both sides in that conflict. No, but normal people can very easily become monsters or commit monstrous acts when they are on the wrong side, that's what happened with many of the Germans. You might want to think of this in your story (have Xeness seem like a kind and good person and then suddenly have her do something totally evil, though some people might think that feels that is too much out of character- myself included, but it is rather relastic, so it is an option.) Edited November 10, 2012 by Trizee 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haradion Drogon Posted November 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 Thanks for the feedback - I think I have something in mind which fits that actualy... Yes... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjhuitt Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 This topic is a bit old by now, and most anything I wanted to say has already been covered, but I did want to bring up one possibility regarding Ethen and his relatability. If you want Ethen to be your good guy, you should probably establiish right away that he's good. Having him use blood magic and relishing its power doesn't exactly make hm feel good to me- his character is likable enough, but his actions make me affiliate him with the bad guys- Liethen would be the more obvious choice for the good guy because of his aversions to blood magic. I had these same thoughts, and to me, there is one relatively small change you could make that might improve this immensely -- which is to swap the roles of the argument between the two brothers. If Lieneth is the one who thinks it is impossible to get out, and is worried over how his mother will react, then he can argue Ethen into using his blood-mage abilities against his initial desires. This has two noble sacrifices -- Ethen doing something he doesn't want to help keep himself and his brother out of trouble, and Lieneth sacrificing his own body and energy by arguing Ethen into taking that course. You can also work in a little more malevolence for their mother -- just as a hint, mind you -- by implying she would be upset with Ethen if she found out they had been stuck, his blood magic could have gotten them out of it, and he refused to use it. It all gives some nice motivations to the characters that the reader can sympathize with, while keeping the actual actions fairly close to what you have written. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haradion Drogon Posted December 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 More critiques are always welcome! Thanks very much for the input. I think I will do as you suggest! Many thanks. Also, the next chapter should be finished soon. Its so hard to find the time to write with so much other stuff going on... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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