2012 Oct 30 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals D2 Chapters 5-6

[cjhuitt]

As mentioned in the email, sorry for the day's delay, I was waylaid by a cold. Silk may also feel free to censor me if needed, since I am sending this out without an official go-ahead.

Previously, we met Jorah as he helped his group of small-time thieves with a robbery. He wandered into a testing ground and lost the loot he was carrying when he was attacked by monsters. Alberic, head of the guards, learns of the theft from Lord Dominik and is tasked to retrieve them. Molly, leader of the guards, then is warned by Dexter that Jorah may be unreliable, only to find Dexter's predictions apparently coming true much sooner than expected.

As usual, I'm looking for any feedback, but specifically on any or all of the following:

- The further characterization (of Jorah, Dexter, and Lance mostly)

- The developing conflicts and tension

- As usual, the worldbuilding.

Thanks.

Edit to add: Small language warning. I hope nobody reads it and is bothered before seeing the warning.

Edited October 31, 2012 by cjhuitt

[Eri]

Wow, I thought I read it very late, and still I'm the first one to comment?

Interesting chapters.

Wordbuilding is better, now I can see it's a future thing, and they have/had space travel. I like how they use space as a curse word. I guess mankind must have had some bad experiences there. Also the word "greenie"... I guess they met some aliens?

I like the characterization of Lance very much.

Jorah seems a bit too undecided for a protagonist. He's believable, but not very interesting. Also, probably more important, he seems to lack any kind of goal.

Dexter is OK, except for the ending of ch6 which seems off. If you were paraniod, and some strange and not very trusted "friend" made you go to a weird place, and there some weird magic attacked you and another person, but not *him*... wouldn't you be suspicious? Even with Jorah helping them get out, I feel like Dexter should suspect something bad about him after the adrenaline ends and he starts thinking. I mean, it's really weird that Jorah can release things from whatever holds them on the clearing.

When the heads of whatever-monsters-they-are come from the ground, I think some description could be useful? Are they rotten like zombies? Just dirty? Weird with glowing eyes? Angry, shouting, looking in pain?

The names Molly and Hollie are a bit too easy to confuse, in my opinion.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Eri

[Mandamon]

Sorry for the late posting. I was having trouble figuring out what to say about this. I think these two chapters are the least changed since the original version, but also that these were the strongest chapters previously and not a lot needed to be done.

There is a stronger characterization for all three characters this time, which is a plus. I got confused between Dexter and Lance in the past, but now they have distinct personalities.

I agree with Eri that the zombie/monsters are not well described. Descriptions of hands are well done, but you mention heads and shoulders (the parts of humans we, as humans, fixate on most) yet say nothing about what they looked like. Are they decomposed? Mannikins? Alive/Dead/Undead? Were these people in the past? Not that you have to answer all these questions now, if that's giving something away... Giving a little description to the rotting flesh of heads rising above the ground, eyeballs hanging, brains showing, etc etc can give a lot more suspense/horror to the situation.

[Glaring at the Survivor]

I didn't honestly notice too much, so I'm kind of late. I was confused a bit, feeling like I missed something in chapter two (I think it was chapter 2). Because originally, when Jorah went to the testing grounds, he didnt get stuck. The people from his childhood life didnt get stuck, either. And then suddenly, Dexter and Lance get stuck? I feel like this should have been mentioned somewhere in chapter two, that the testing grounds make people stick to the ground. Although I guess this could have something to do with the beads.

Also, I really felt bored waiting for them to enter the testing grounds. It seemed like you were procrastinating. I understand a little of it, but I think you may have gone a little far, because instead of reading Jorah in the testing grounds, I was reading him delay the book. I kind of got bored near the end.

Although I do have to say that I think I read and write maybe a bit too much action, and so this happens to me. Although your other two (or three?) POVs were good for non-action.

[cjhuitt]

Thanks everyone for taking the time. Some brief comments.

Dexter is OK, except for the ending of ch6 which seems off. If you were paraniod, and some strange and not very trusted "friend" made you go to a weird place, and there some weird magic attacked you and another person, but not *him*... wouldn't you be suspicious?

Right now, Dexter is paranoid but not consistently so. I may need to show that earlier, or alternately remove the inconsistency, because I'm suddenly struck with the memory of Brandon talking about Dalinar(?) in tWoK needing to lose the split personality effect. Of course, since Dexter isn't a POV character, it might still work out. Still, perhaps it would be better to change, given further thoughts below. I'll spend some time thinking about it, anyway.

When the heads of whatever-monsters-they-are come from the ground, I think some description could be useful? Are they rotten like zombies? Just dirty? Weird with glowing eyes? Angry, shouting, looking in pain?

I agree with Eri that the zombie/monsters are not well described. Descriptions of hands are well done, but you mention heads and shoulders (the parts of humans we, as humans, fixate on most) yet say nothing about what they looked like. [...] Giving a little description to the rotting flesh of heads rising above the ground, eyeballs hanging, brains showing, etc etc can give a lot more suspense/horror to the situation.

I'll definitely look into adding more here.

The names Molly and Hollie are a bit too easy to confuse, in my opinion.

This thought has occurred to me before as well. I actually started with "Molly" and "Holly", which was even worse. I'll probably rename Hollie on some future draft.

I was confused a bit, feeling like I missed something in chapter two (I think it was chapter 2). Because originally, when Jorah went to the testing grounds, he didnt get stuck. The people from his childhood life didnt get stuck, either. And then suddenly, Dexter and Lance get stuck? I feel like this should have been mentioned somewhere in chapter two, that the testing grounds make people stick to the ground. Although I guess this could have something to do with the beads.

I got the same feedback in the first revision, so obviously I haven't fixed this enough. I had hoped the differing responses would be a small mystery that would be (incorrectly) solved at the end of the book. I'll probably add something to the backstory of people's experiences with testing grounds, though sparse.

Basically, the testing grounds don't always do the same thing, and it changes based on who is in the grounds, and also who is experiencing the strongest emotions (particularly fear). Basically, the response to Jorah (right now, anyway) is shambling monsters, while the response to Lance is getting stuck forever. I haven't yet completely figured out if Jorah getting stuff loose is a response to Dexter (paranoia), or due to the crystals, or just the testing grounds having some "fun". Generally, though, I haven't put any real personality into the magic running the testing grounds, so probably not the last.

I also wonder about intensifying the stuck part by eventually starting to have those things (and especially people) that are stuck start sinking into the ground.

Also, I really felt bored waiting for them to enter the testing grounds. It seemed like you were procrastinating. I understand a little of it, but I think you may have gone a little far, because instead of reading Jorah in the testing grounds, I was reading him delay the book. I kind of got bored near the end.

This is one of those good/bad news things. Apparently I got the response I was going for, but need to rebalance it some to keep interest. I knew this might be a problem going in to the section.

(Hmm... after previewing the post, perhaps I don't do "brief" comments as well as I thought.)