2012 Sep 10 - Penance - Assassin's Penance Chapter 1 (V)

[Penance]

Newbie to the 17th Shard and hoping for help in becoming a better writer.

Below are the items I was hoping you could help me with:

- Glaring mistakes (any cardinal rules that are being broken)?

- Are the characters believable?

- Does the setting make sense/feel realistic?

- What did you like to see?

- What didn't you like?

- Anything else you felt was worth mentioning?

'15 minutes of feedback because you're in a hurry and I'm not that smart!'

[Trizee]

First off- welcome to Reading Excuses!

I was wondering if this is the first book you've written, because your writing style is very good.

Now, for the few problems I had with the chapter.

setting: I was rather confused as to the time period the story takes place in. From the usage of a cane, a magistrate, a carriage and more, I assume it is about the level of 18th century or so. Only thing is, the feeling of the chapter was very modern (20th century at least). The way Makaur spoke seemed very modern to me for some reason. You might want to change his speach patterns a bit- what with the sarcastic tone that you don't usually expect form some old times demon.

Plous: I thought you wrote his character while he was under Makaur very well. However, as soon as he leaves Makaur, he becomes a totally different person. He switches from a cowed slave to a confident, pompous nobleman who is also a coldblooded killer in a matter of seconds. You would think that being the slave of a demon would have some lingering effects on one's personality.

Makaur: I had difficulty understanding exactly what Makaur is. You might want to describe him a bit more other then saying that he has red scaly skin. Also, you use the name Makaur a lot, you could try and call him by what he is, a "katae".

That's pretty much it, I really liked the plot for this and look forward to seeing who Plous's replacement will be!

[Penance]

First off- welcome to Reading Excuses!

I was wondering if this is the first book you've written, because your writing style is very good.

Now, for the few problems I had with the chapter.

setting: I was rather confused as to the time period the story takes place in. From the usage of a cane, a magistrate, a carriage and more, I assume it is about the level of 18th century or so. Only thing is, the feeling of the chapter was very modern (20th century at least). The way Makaur spoke seemed very modern to me for some reason. You might want to change his speach patterns a bit- what with the sarcastic tone that you don't usually expect form some old times demon.

Plous: I thought you wrote his character while he was under Makaur very well. However, as soon as he leaves Makaur, he becomes a totally different person. He switches from a cowed slave to a confident, pompous nobleman who is also a coldblooded killer in a matter of seconds. You would think that being the slave of a demon would have some lingering effects on one's personality.

Makaur: I had difficulty understanding exactly what Makaur is. You might want to describe him a bit more other then saying that he has red scaly skin. Also, you use the name Makaur a lot, you could try and call him by what he is, a "katae".

That's pretty much it, I really liked the plot for this and look forward to seeing who Plous's replacement will be!

Thanks for the feedback, Trizee!

Yes, this is my first book - I owe the small modicum of success I've had to Writing Excuses. I recently started listening to Writing Excuses and have had to start over from scratch about 4 times because of elementary mistakes I was making. I'm glad I was able to start from the shoulders of giants

Setting: Like Sanderson I prefer more modern dialog, but I can see what you mean about it being confusing - I'll work on giving more detail here to help alleviate some of that confusion.

Plous: After re-reading it I really agree - I was trying to show Plous' fear, but it came across more inconsistent than anything.

Makaur: Good points on everything!

...To the lab!

[Mandamon]

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm with you all the way on using Writing Excuses to learn how to write. I finished my first book, listened to my first podcast (5.13: Writing the Second Book, still one of my favorites), thought, Oh no! I'm doing ALL those things wrong!, and sat down to rewrite.

On to the criticism...

Page 1:

“I’m not manipulating you because I hate you, Plous; I’m simply using you because you are a tool. Your life is worth less to me than my spit, but I will use you to further my goals and twist you to breaking if that is required. But never mistake my will to succeed in my endeavors as cruelty aimed toward you. You are merely a tool in my belt.”

The first paragraph is a mouthful--I almost lost interest there. Cut it down and get into the story quickly. A suggestion: have Plous interject or think something after the first sentence, then carry on.

Page 2:

Plous snorted, “Thank you for the blessings of a god you despise, Makaur. That well-wishing means ever so much to me coming from a katae.”

Makaur laughed, “Oh Plous, we may drink blood and kill when the mood strikes us, but you don’t know all our goals and trust me when I say that our goals will justify our methods. I may be a damned thing, but I don’t want to destroy the world.”

The dialogue sounds sort of artificial, like you are trying to explain things. Let it come out naturally. For example, have Makaur drinking a cup of blood as he talks, rather than telling that he drinks blood. Show us what a katae is with a few simple descriptions so that we know to fear him early on.

Some nitpicky things:

Blackmail - one word

non-descript - Hyphenated

Page 4: did he wipe the blood off the sword cane? I don't really know anything about sword fighting and still that bothered me. Blood will corrode the blade. If he doesn't wipe it off for some reason, tell why.

Overall it's intriguing, although I've seen the "basically good guy in thrall to a malevolent power" done before. It seems like your opening hook is that Plous is finding his replacement, who will be something special (or that's what I imagine I've been promised in the writing). I may be over analyzing, but this could almost be a prologue to introduce the awesome character of Plous' replacement, depending on who's your main character...

Plous' character was good. I immediately got that he was helpless, but still a strong person underneath. Makaur was a little one dimensional and over-dramatic, but then, he's a demon. Sort of comes with the territory.

Keep writing!

[Penance]

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm with you all the way on using Writing Excuses to learn how to write. I finished my first book, listened to my first podcast (5.13: Writing the Second Book, still one of my favorites), thought, Oh no! I'm doing ALL those things wrong!, and sat down to rewrite.

On to the criticism...

Page 1:

The first paragraph is a mouthful--I almost lost interest there. Cut it down and get into the story quickly. A suggestion: have Plous interject or think something after the first sentence, then carry on.

Page 2:

The dialogue sounds sort of artificial, like you are trying to explain things. Let it come out naturally. For example, have Makaur drinking a cup of blood as he talks, rather than telling that he drinks blood. Show us what a katae is with a few simple descriptions so that we know to fear him early on.

Some nitpicky things:

Blackmail - one word

non-descript - Hyphenated

Page 4: did he wipe the blood off the sword cane? I don't really know anything about sword fighting and still that bothered me. Blood will corrode the blade. If he doesn't wipe it off for some reason, tell why.

Overall it's intriguing, although I've seen the "basically good guy in thrall to a malevolent power" done before. It seems like your opening hook is that Plous is finding his replacement, who will be something special (or that's what I imagine I've been promised in the writing). I may be over analyzing, but this could almost be a prologue to introduce the awesome character of Plous' replacement, depending on who's your main character...

Plous' character was good. I immediately got that he was helpless, but still a strong person underneath. Makaur was a little one dimensional and over-dramatic, but then, he's a demon. Sort of comes with the territory.

Keep writing!

Thanks for the critiques Mandamon, I really appreciate your feedback!

Page 1: I see what you're saying - I'll revisit this to see how I can get to the punch of it sooner.

Page 2: I agree, it definitely is coming across more tell than show. *shakes fist at self*

Nit-picks: Thanks for letting me know, those things bother me too.

Page 4: Oops! I actually thought of that, but missed adding it in... ahh first drafts... Thanks for catching this!

Thankfully, the plot is far different from the standard "good guy in thrall". It's going to be a 2 POV book, next week I'll post chapter 2 (I've written to chapter 5 so far so hopefully I'll be able to release a chapter a week.) so you'll get to meet the other half of the story.

I'm glad you liked Plous. I'm disappointed in myself for not communicating the depth of Makaur, I promise that he is far more interesting than a run of the mill demon. I'll revise what I have to make sure I do him justice.

Thanks again!

[akoebel]

Although I liked the opening "I’m not manipulating you because I hate you, Plous; I’m simply using you because you are a tool.", I found the rest of the paragraph too melodramatic (as are most of Makaur's lines). This line is strong enough to stand alone before we get into Plous' character.

I agree about the lack of setting. I waited until Plous mentioning a purse to get an idea of the time period. Up until then, it could have been SF without changing a word. I'm not one usually asking for description, but there, describing Makaur and the setting early on would have helped my reading.

You do a good job showing Plous' character and strengths. I find the character likable enough to read on. About the description of his blackmail, you don't need to tell us everything right now. We only need to know he's been dragged into this by his own cook's blackmailing him and that he needs to do the same now with someone else. As it is, telling us how he was blackmailed and what pushed him to enter Makaur's service is just a big tell that the character himself already knows, so I find it's a bit of POV error.

Other than that, good job.

[cjhuitt]

Although I liked the opening "I’m not manipulating you because I hate you, Plous; I’m simply using you because you are a tool.", I found the rest of the paragraph too melodramatic (as are most of Makaur's lines). This line is strong enough to stand alone before we get into Plous' character.

I agree about the lack of setting. I waited until Plous mentioning a purse to get an idea of the time period. Up until then, it could have been SF without changing a word. I'm not one usually asking for description, but there, describing Makaur and the setting early on would have helped my reading.

You do a good job showing Plous' character and strengths. I find the character likable enough to read on. About the description of his blackmail, you don't need to tell us everything right now. We only need to know he's been dragged into this by his own cook's blackmailing him and that he needs to do the same now with someone else. As it is, telling us how he was blackmailed and what pushed him to enter Makaur's service is just a big tell that the character himself already knows, so I find it's a bit of POV error.

Other than that, good job.

I agree with what the others have said, and I think akoebel covered my concerns most succinctly. I will say I thought I had a hint of setting from the demon think, the vaguely Roman name "Plous", and referring to a marionette, but it wasn't enough for me to be sure.

Sorry to not have a longer critique, but I don't want to just repeat the others without adding anything new at all. I'm watching for the next chapter, though.