2012 Sep 10 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals D2 Chapter 1

[cjhuitt]

Regarding the reworked chapter 1 from my novel Blue Crystals.

Large parts will seem at least moderately familiar for many of you, though I added a new section. I also reworked how quickly we get into the story, hopefully avoiding the slow start that my last one had.

I'm looking for any feedback, but also specifically the following:

• The setting; what does and doesn't make sense, and of what doesn't make sense, what makes you curious and what makes you want to dump the book.
  
• The descriptions; both amount and content.
  
• The hook; if you would want to read more.
  

Thanks.

[Penance]

Hi cjhuitt,

First off, I enjoyed reading the chapter you shared, I thought it was very interesting and I'm excited to see where things progress to in the future.

I like your opening line, I found it intriguing. I feel like after that first line things start to turn into being told about the setting, you did a good job of focusing on the character, but personally I might have tried taking it a step farther:

So these are bricks? Jorah thought. Lance had told him these were piss poor compared to the ones near the river, but to Jorah they were still a thing of wonder. But believing everything Lance says is a bit of a fools errand, after all he even said there were bricks down there predating the Scourge, all the way back to pre-contact.

I thought your characters were fairly distinct in terms of voice, but I wasn't getting a whole lot of character description, so keeping the 5 people separate in my head became pretty tricky since all of them were thrown at me at once. Giving them some character descriptions might help keep things sorted out.

For a bunch of thieves they seem very well mannered and even tempered. I might throw in some language spicier than 'lolly gagging' or maybe use the stand by of 'Lance cursed quietly.'

But I'd say that so far so good! I'm looking forward to chapter 2!

[Mandamon]

I like this version a lot more--the story gets to the point faster, and (from what I remember) you've combined the first 3 or 4 chapters into one. Your worldbuilding seems more concrete this time too. I get the feeling of our world, possibly after some alien contact/invasion. In any case, post catastrophe. Much better this time around!

But...

Overall there is still a lot of excess words. I think you could still cut a bit without damaging the storyline. It would make it a lot snappier and easier to read. I'm putting this under the "descriptions" category, but I don't think it's only descriptions. The dialogue can get long in places.

Specific places:

It feels like a long time that they stumble around in the warehouse, but it's really only two and a half pages.

Dexter and Jorah's argument. I like what it shows of the characters, but it bogs down in the middle of the scene.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe it's too much description in one block. or sentences that are too long. Maybe try the Niven/Pournell trick of a 10% cut in content (as an experiment) and see what you end up with. Finish writing the book before you do that, though.

Getting better! The hook is a lot clearer here. The fact that Jorah finds the bag on page 8 rather than 30 or so in the last version starts the tension much earlier. I'm curious to see more of this rewrite...

[Trizee]

I only had a few small issues with this...

Stealing- Why are they so afraid of someone realizing they've been thieved- would it be so easy to catch them? If so, it seems like too big of a risk to me.

Length- If you're using centimeters, it stands to reason that you'd use meters and kilometers too, not kays.

Jorah- I didn't find Jorah to be very likeable. He's basically a thief who is constantly daydreaming and playing at betraying his fiancee. You might want to make him come off as more likeable. Describing his feelings for Violetta, maybe having his dreams include her might help. Also, you have Jorah express feelings towards two other women in this chapter, you might want to cut down on some of that.

Hook- It made me want to read more, but it seemed like it came out of nowhere, maybe if you had some foreshadowing...

[akoebel]

Hi,

I haven't read the previous version, so I'll only comment on this current draft.

I liked the second part much better than the first. For one thing, I love the heist genre and you've conveyed both the action and the characters banter very well. On the other hand, the first part felt a bit more generic to me and much less interesting. Also, I'm not sure that part brings much except a bit of exposition.

You've dropped pieces about the setting here and there. Just enough so I don't ask myself questions about what type of book this is or where the action takes place. I feel like you could have put a bit more, but as it is, it works well enough. As descriptions go, this is a level I'm comfortable with, so you don't need to flesh out those.

I'll join the other comment that the character is not very likable right now. He doesn't seem to have a big attribute that I might like as a reader and doesn't look very competent. During the break-in, he simply stood there (offering support when asked) and went to search the storehouse. You mentioned he uses his smell, but he doesn't seem particularly good about it either. In fact, I was surprised at the end of the first part to find out he was a thief. He was looking so benign, I had trouble casting him into this role. In fact, you might want to color the descriptions in the first part a bit more to really show us he's thinking like a thief.

You seem to like ending your scenes with a twist. One for time to time is fine, but I wouldn't like seeing a twist at the end of each scene.

What made me turn the pages was the conflict between members of the team. After the last page, I'm not sure if I'll get what I want or not, but I'll gladly read the next installment.

[cjhuitt]

Thanks everybody for the feedback (so far). I'll try to restrain myself to only a few comments.

I thought your characters were fairly distinct in terms of voice, but I wasn't getting a whole lot of character description, so keeping the 5 people separate in my head became pretty tricky since all of them were thrown at me at once. Giving them some character descriptions might help keep things sorted out.

I had wondered about introducing too many at once, which was one reason I added the beginning focused mostly on just Jorah. Since six characters were actually there for the robbery, it looks like I might still have a bit of work to do .

For a bunch of thieves they seem very well mannered and even tempered. I might throw in some language spicier than 'lolly gagging' or maybe use the stand by of 'Lance cursed quietly.'

I may have to look into this also. Then again, since I have kind-of targeted a YA audience, maybe the second. I'll have to see how it comes out in the end, I think, then revise to match.

Overall there is still a lot of excess words. I think you could still cut a bit without damaging the storyline. It would make it a lot snappier and easier to read. I'm putting this under the "descriptions" category, but I don't think it's only descriptions. The dialogue can get long in places.

[...]

Maybe try the Niven/Pournell trick of a 10% cut in content (as an experiment) and see what you end up with. Finish writing the book before you do that, though.

I usually like the Niven/Pournell thing, and actually enjoy doing it to my own chapters (at times). My wife (jokingly) mocks me, since during writing I talk about how many words I added, and during editing I talk about how many I removed. Still, I neglected it for this chapter, and I think it shows.

Stealing- Why are they so afraid of someone realizing they've been thieved- would it be so easy to catch them? If so, it seems like too big of a risk to me.

That's a good question, and one I hope gets answered (or at least, addressed) later in the book.

Length- If you're using centimeters, it stands to reason that you'd use meters and kilometers too, not kays.

For this, I am using kilometers. I had just used a (common?) corruption of referring to them as 'k's, or kays. I may need to reconsider that if it throws too many people off, though.

I'll join the other comment that the character is not very likable right now. He doesn't seem to have a big attribute that I might like as a reader and doesn't look very competent. During the break-in, he simply stood there (offering support when asked) and went to search the storehouse. You mentioned he uses his smell, but he doesn't seem particularly good about it either. In fact, I was surprised at the end of the first part to find out he was a thief. He was looking so benign, I had trouble casting him into this role. In fact, you might want to color the descriptions in the first part a bit more to really show us he's thinking like a thief.

In my original idea for the story, Jorah truly wasn't much of a thief, so not much competence does come through. I'll have to consider this with what you and Trizee mentioned, and see if I can't make him more likable in other ways.

Hook- It made me want to read more, but it seemed like it came out of nowhere, maybe if you had some foreshadowing...

You seem to like ending your scenes with a twist. One for time to time is fine, but I wouldn't like seeing a twist at the end of each scene.

I didn't generally do this, but I do like ending on a snappy line when I can. I will say, originally the hand grabbing his foot was in the second chapter, but I didn't think I had a strong enough ending in this case to carry the reader through, so I moved it. I may be called out on this later, but I don't think most of my chapters will end like that.

Again, thanks for everyone who's taken the time, and if anyone else is waiting, please don't be afraid to jump in and pile on, or even point out a different concern.