Reading Excuses 9/10 Blurred reality(for Writers of the future) Aminar

[Aminar]

Again, this is for the Writers of the Future contest. I'd like to turn it in in about 3 months. Sorry its a bit long. It does go start to finish though.

[Penance]

Hi Aminar,

I just finished reviewing your story and I really enjoyed the concepts and Grants voice. I really felt like he was a real person.

I would suggest some additional research, maybe have a social worker review what you've written to see what matches up and what seems out of place.

Also, I had a hard time with Caleb's mother. I'm a parent and I can tell you that if she thought he was missing she would do anything to get him back. For story purposes since you want to send Grant in, I would definitely create a reason why Deloris isn't just jumping through a mirror. Maybe she has a circle of family or friends and she's trying to coordinate with them to get into the other world to find Caleb.

There were a few sections where you broke the 4th wall for me - I felt like I popped out of the story whenever you referred to 'you'.

I'm emailing you a copy of your story with my comments. Keep in mind that I'm not being paid for so take them for what they're worth (nothing )

Thanks for submitting!

[Aminar]

Hi Aminar,

I just finished reviewing your story and I really enjoyed the concepts and Grants voice. I really felt like he was a real person.

I would suggest some additional research, maybe have a social worker review what you've written to see what matches up and what seems out of place.

Also, I had a hard time with Caleb's mother. I'm a parent and I can tell you that if she thought he was missing she would do anything to get him back. For story purposes since you want to send Grant in, I would definitely create a reason why Deloris isn't just jumping through a mirror. Maybe she has a circle of family or friends and she's trying to coordinate with them to get into the other world to find Caleb.

There were a few sections where you broke the 4th wall for me - I felt like I popped out of the story whenever you referred to 'you'.

I'm emailing you a copy of your story with my comments. Keep in mind that I'm not being paid for so take them for what they're worth (nothing )

Thanks for submitting!

I've done a good run through on what fits with being a social worker(I'm not one, but I work hand in hand with them every day. I do have an old roommate who writes that is a social worker looking at this too.) I'm glad you liked it.

As to Deloris... Parents that deal with social workers are almost always off somewhere. The stories I could tell you if they didn't break confidentiality...

[Mandamon]

I think this story the best I've seen from you so far. The plot was cohesive, and Grant achieved what he set out to do. I also thought Caleb's mother was a little scattered, but I guess that does come with the social worker aspect. You might include a one liner to explain that to those who haven't dealt with social workers before.

I tend to cringe when an author cites another fantasy/Sci-Fi work in their own. It cuts down on the audience that can read it and understand it. Harry Potter might be grasped by most people, but I wouldn't reference the Dresden files. We've all probably read it here, but your mainstream reader will have no idea what you're talking about. The reference to urban fantasy will probably go over a lot of people's heads too.

The only place I felt the story got a little loose was at the end, from page 11 on. I did like the end, and understood the intent, but got lost a little once you started throwing magic around. I think there were some lapses in description, or explanation for why things worked. Why did Grant turn into a dragon? How did killing Caleb in the mirror universe transfer him home safely? Why does crossing his eyes to make two images of something freeze it in place?

I know this is a short story, but that just means that every word has to count twice for explaining to the reader what's going on. Before you submit it, make your writing as efficient as it can be, where every phrase furthers the plot and character and/or explains the magic.

I think this will be really good in the final version. Good luck with Writers of the Future!

[akoebel]

This is a really good story. I kept turning the pages until I came to the end and then everything stopped.

I mean, everything before the last page was good, real good. I loved the humorous voice and the cultural references (even if using "Urban Fantasy" made me read twice - it's much more an industry name than something a reader would use).

The trouble came in at the last page : it felt rushed, like there was a word-count you weren't allowed to cross. As a result, the character's actions are unclear in the end and I'm not sure I like the god concept. So, if you can give a bit more flesh to the last 3 paragraphs, it would be great.

Aside from that, I thought you used "Derek" 2 times instead of "Caleb" and there are a few word repetitions you might want to remove.

The only thing which bugs me story-wise is : why is Grant better equipped to fight the mirror-creatures than the kids? I mean, the kids practiced magic for a long time before being taken, and basically, they taught him everything he knows. Then, why were they trapped (especially Brenda who saw it coming) when he only has to go to the other side and mentally beat his opponents. I think you might say there are some psychological elements favoring Grant, but you'd have to explain that a bit more in the text for me to believe it.

It's my only issue. This is really a good piece; I really hope it does well in the contest.

[akoebel]

I forgot to mention that I think a kid wouldn't tell that taxes are a fact of life. Only an adult would say that.

[cjhuitt]

Before anything else, I think it's both odd and flattering that you named a character after me .

Also, I had a hard time with Caleb's mother. I'm a parent and I can tell you that if she thought he was missing she would do anything to get him back. For story purposes since you want to send Grant in, I would definitely create a reason why Deloris isn't just jumping through a mirror. Maybe she has a circle of family or friends and she's trying to coordinate with them to get into the other world to find Caleb.

As to Deloris... Parents that deal with social workers are almost always off somewhere. The stories I could tell you if they didn't break confidentiality...

I think you could get away with Grant letting the reader know this. In fact, he could say almost exactly that. Since this is first person, he can "tell" the reader things with a bit more leeway than a third-person narrator can, and this is something that bothered me a little when I read it also.

The trouble came in at the last page : it felt rushed, like there was a word-count you weren't allowed to cross. As a result, the character's actions are unclear in the end and I'm not sure I like the god concept. So, if you can give a bit more flesh to the last 3 paragraphs, it would be great.

The only thing which bugs me story-wise is : why is Grant better equipped to fight the mirror-creatures than the kids? I mean, the kids practiced magic for a long time before being taken, and basically, they taught him everything he knows. Then, why were they trapped (especially Brenda who saw it coming) when he only has to go to the other side and mentally beat his opponents. I think you might say there are some psychological elements favoring Grant, but you'd have to explain that a bit more in the text for me to believe it.

I also thought both these things as I was reading. Not fatal to the story, but things to work on for your next draft.

My other issues were small character motivation things. For instance, why does Grant wait a week to start looking for Caleb, but then jump right in? Maybe that's how case workers are, with so much else going on that it isn't until it's a big thing, but a few words addressing this might be nice. Also, regarding Grant's motivation, I didn't see the connection to the notebook he found and reading about kids messing around with (what they thought was) magic, and why he would try it out himself. He just does it, and not even he can figure why. Finally, the mirror-Grant trying to kill him right off the bat. Of course, they come across as twisted villains so it's less of a problem, but I still was never sure why Grant was being attacked.

Also, the dialog seems a little off. I think part of it is trying to sound a little too natural? Maybe? I know one part is a lot of referring to people by name in the dialog, while also having given the reader their name right before the dialog. It seems redundant. As an example, the following are all quotes just jammed together, with the intermediate text removed but speaker names added by me:

[Grant] "Hello Deloris."

[Deloris] "Did you find him Grant?” “Is he ok? Where is he?”

[Grant] “We don’t know where Caleb is Deloris. I thought I’d stop by, see if you knew anything that might help find him.”

[still Grant] “Look, Deloris. Can I take a look around? Just to see if there’s anything the cops missed? A note. Something.”

Again, thanks for the shout-out.

Caleb

[Aminar]

Shout out was accidental but not changing it. I've always liked the name. I've never had a memorably bad kid named Caleb to scare me off. Now Tristan... I've known half a dozen Tristans and every single one... Gah.

Thanks for all the advice. Ill be going through an editing this soonish.