September 3 - Shadow - The Swords of Essence Chapter 1

[Shadow]

Hello,

This is my first submission to Reading Excuses. It the the first chapter of my novel tentatively titled "The Swords of Essence". It is the first novel I have tried writing, so I do not doubt it will be horrible - so bring on the critiques so that I can learn how to improve!

Thanks so much!

[cjhuitt]

Welcome to Reading Excuses. Surely this isn't the first writing you've done? The prose was quite better than what I would normally expect for someone's first effort.

I think you've got a lot of good building blocks to work with here. Fawlen starts out in a tense situation immediately, and as the larger situation becomes apparent we realize that it is ultimately untenable. I connected with him right away and was rooting for him to succeed in whatever it was he was planning.

While inevitable, the result to the mother at the end of the chapter was also welcome. He will now not have her holding him back from whatever the story is supposed to be about, while possibly regretting the situations that led up to his mother's death. Good stuff, overall.

Now, in the particulars, there are a few things I'm concerned with. I'll go through them more-or-less in story order.

I liked that it was his mother that he was scared of, not his father, but it looks like you go through some verbal contortions to avoid using a gendered pronoun right at the beginning ("the unstable form", referring to the clink instead of the actions). I'd recommend going the simpler route.

Did Fawlen only count to three? That doesn't seem like much to make sure his mother has passed out.

He grabs a pack, and a cloak, so at this point I'm thinking he'll be leaving her tonight. In a bit, he thinks that escape is within his grasp, but then worries about the paint not being noticeable, so then I'm thinking maybe he's coming back (though I don't want him to). It might be nice to have it more clear that he will only be gone a brief time from the beginning.

Also, regarding the realization of missing the cloak, I thought I'd remind you about labeling SLV on the email subject line. I don't mind, but it really jumped out here. If the tone of the rest of the novel doesn't support it, you might want to just tone the couple curse words down instead. (Also, see a couple paragraphs on about Fawlen's age.)

If the cloak was a problem, why not put it in his pack or toss it down first, rather than risk climbing with it on? Also, I was not expecting it to get soaked from a simple roll through the ground, even if rain had soaked the grass recently. Damp, perhaps. Later you reference soggy ground, so it might be a good thing to make a brief mention of that here as well.

The cropland hadn't been sowed since his father had died seventeen years ago. This raises several questions for me, the biggest of which is: how old is Fawlen? I would think at least seventeen (sixteen, if you stretch things a bit). In other words, old enough to be responsible for a lot of the activities around a farm. In fact, he could theoretically have been out sowing at least part of the fields himself during the day. The only reason I can think why he'd not is that his mother gets mad if he does, and I can't see a good reason why that would be. If he's younger, unless things work way differently than here, it isn't even his father that died. If he's much older, than the thoughts I had about working the farm are even stronger. He apparently knows enough to know how useful tall stalks of corn would be for getting from the house to the forest.

The second question it raises is how they have survived for seventeen years with no crop. In fact, what time period does this resemble? If it's anything like feudal Europe, they wouldn't even own the land, and would only be allowed to live on it as long as they tend it and present the lord with his share of the crops. Even if they own it, how could they have been paying taxes (or tribute, or what-have-you) to keep possession of it?

All these things together make me think that it might be better if the ruin had been for some lesser amount of time. 8 years, maybe, or possibly 10, and I would probably just accept it and keep reading. The longer time periods start making my suspension of disbelief get strained.

A log sunk into the ground as Fawlen hopped it? I think you meant he felt it sink then hopped over it, but as written it seems like the passage of his body above it caused the log to sink.

In that same paragraph, you mention "the path", "a path", and "the only path" in three sentences in a row. The way the sentences are arranged makes it read kind of awkwardly.

When Fawlen gets to the magical glowy forest clearing, I'm expecting something significant to happen. Instead, he just lays around lamenting his life, then fails to keep warm and goes right back. I thought the pacing of the chapter suffered here, since I had been interested in what he was going to do with his freedom, but all I get to see is him laying on a boulder and not making a fire. Also, it is at this point (when he decides he can't leave his mother) that I realize there's going to be a fire to drive him away.

"Perturbed, he decided gave up [...]" I think you probably missed something in an edit here.

"As Fawlen made his way back toward his house he thought about an experience he once had with a wolf. Thinking about it [...]" Here I expected a flashback, and was actually getting all ready to say that a flashback in the first chapter is probably not the best idea. Especially on the heels of the tranquil forest scene that had absolutely nothing happen in it, because it would kill the pacing even more. Fortunately, you avoid the flashback. However, the text there reads like a classic flashback transition, so you may want to take another look at it.

My biggest comment on the fire scene is just that I would have liked to see something that foreshadows the fire in the beginning of the story. Ideally, something that implies how the fire gets started in the first place. Of course, that's if it isn't giving up too much information, though it doesn't appear like it would be. Other than that, I liked the scene of him searching for his mother and pulling her out (even if it's hopeless).

Finally, we have the rupture of magic (or something) at the end. From the timing, I assume it's either related to the death of his mother or the injuries he sustained finding her. I thought it was rather convenient to have him suddenly discover magic at this point that was apparently healing him (or at least erasing the pain). However, that was shortly and nicely undercut by the explosion of pain it caused him to feel when it got to his skin. In the end, I'd say it leaves a nice enough hook to leave me wanting to read the next chapter.

[Trizee]

Okay, CJ said a lot of the things I wanted to say, so this'll be short.

The Forest- I know Fawlen's going to the forest is supposed to show something about his relationship with his mother, but it felt to me just like a way to get Fawlen out of the house for the fire. I wouldn't have a problem if he was doing something interesting (which was what I thought was going to happen when he snuck out), but going for a walk in the forest so he could think just felt like a reason to get him out of the house.

Sky- When Fawlen is racing towards the house, you say he's barely dodging the tress. But then how is he constantly watching the sky to check his course? If he has to make sure he doesn't bang into trees, he can't exactly be staring up at the sky. Also, how can he see the sky through the trees?

Scream- It doesn't seem logical to me that he could hear his mother's scream from so far away.

And- You sometimes use the word "and" in places where it shouldn't be. For example- "Only a

small muffled thud and a squish sounded as he landed into a roll on the sodden grass, and it soaked his cloak"

You aren't talking about the grass, so you shouldn't say "and". Try "soaking his cloak".

Explaining- You don't need to tell us that Fawlen is sad when he sees the fire because his mother is inside. We know this. Oh and having his yell "No!" is just lame. Sorry.

A few spelling mistakes- "drink even more of your fowl liquid" should be foul. Fowl is a bird.

You also say memory's instead of memories, and finger when it should be fingers.

[Jana]

Before I start, you should know that I am, as one person put it, "a jaded critic" as opposed to an avid fan. That's true, but since agents and editors are also jaded critics, I think that my relatively harsh opinions can be useful. If I'm too harsh, please let me know. I'm new to the forums and don't know what exactly is expected here.

I'll leave off the sentence level problems for now, since they're pretty easy to fix and relatively minor, especially for a first time writer. Your prose is far from "horrible."

My main issue with this is that it doesn't grab me. It's not at all bad, but I don't see anything so far to set it apart from other fantasy pieces. I want to have a sense of what sets your story apart, and I want to have it quickly. There are a few ways to do this:

• Plot: Getting into the meat of an original plot early definitely grabs my attention. By this I mean not only showing interesting events, but raising interesting questions. Take GRR Martin's Game of Thrones. He starts by introducing key elements in the plot (the Night's Watch, the Others) but leaves the reader wondering about them: what is the Night's Watch? What are the Others, and what sort of danger do they pose?
  
• Fantasy elements: Fantasy elements have been done every which way by everyone and their dog, but that doesn't mean a new twist on magic, dragons, etc. can't draw people in.
  
• Language: It takes an incredibly gifted author to draw the reader in on the quality of their prose alone. I'd say Ursula K. Le Guin level at least. That shouldn't stop anyone from trying, but it's important to keep in mind that us non-literary super-geniuses need to augment it with other elements
  
• Character: This is the one that first came to my mind while reading your piece. If I could see Fawlen interacting with other people and get a better sense of who he is, what makes him interesting as a person, I'd be drawn in, giving you more time to get to the meat of the plot.
  

That's my only big criticism. Here are a few minor ones, just to complicate things ( ):

• Fawlen may not be an ideal name, since it sounds so much like "fallen."
  
• Having Fawlen think so much about how beautiful nature is comes off as saccharine. Try toning it down or giving him something more unique to find beauty, something not everyday, but not super-duper rare either. Maybe a bird of prey or polished river rocks?
  

Keep writing!

[Shadow]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful critiques. I appreciate the frankness and specificity in what you said, it has made me think about things that I had previously been unaware of. I will definitely take into consideration everything that was said when I get to the editing stage and as I continue to write.

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Where is the book? I'd like to read it. I just joined this subforum. Could i possibly read this? (not giving my email until you say yes. If you say yes)

[JamesW]

Where is the book? I'd like to read it. I just joined this subforum. Could i possibly read this? (not giving my email until you say yes. If you say yes)

If you want to read/critique people's works, you can PM Silk and ask to be put on the mailing list. Each week people who are submitting send out one email that goes to everyone on that list. Throughout the next week people can read and critique the other submissions and post in the appropriate thread.

On a side note, most authors don't mind sending a copy of a particular chapter or submission to those who just joined, the more feedback the better.

[Glaring at the Survivor]

If you want to read/critique people's works, you can PM Silk and ask to be put on the mailing list. Each week people who are submitting send out one email that goes to everyone on that list. Throughout the next week people can read and critique the other submissions and post in the appropriate thread.

On a side note, most authors don't mind sending a copy of a particular chapter or submission to those who just joined, the more feedback the better.

I sent Silk the PM. I just don't like starting a book in the middle, and I missed the previous Monday—I hadn't yet discovered this website. Edited April 22, 2014 by Stroniax