Reading Excuses 8 20 2012 Primordial Lights Chapter9 and 10.8 - Aminar_files

[Aminar]

Thanks Again for looking at this. This section is still a little lost feeling, but I think I have a few ideas.

[JamesW]

I first liked her thoughts about their world being so cold, and how it kept them from having a real conversation, that was great but I'm still really confused about why she thinks the city she is in is wrong. Her question of "How much time had passed here?" made me think of some form of time jump, or temporal dislocation which is why she is so certain this city is familiar.

I get the feeling that her arm is going to regenerate, but if it isn't, then I feel like the lack of skin surface would inhibit her magic in some way. I like the Grumr's magic, but I can't help but feel a contrast with the previous chapter. You mentioned before that most people believed that magic is all but gone from the world, but now we have three main characters, all of them incredibly powerful magic users in their own right, and people aren't asking them questions. I would think that after seeing Iraisa use some awesome light magic, then the Grumr healing, and then a big ol fire lizard that these people would at least ask questions, or be slightly uncomfortable around the magic. Just a thought to keep in mind, that even if these people are accustomed to it, other people might still need to have some pretty solid reactions to the presence of really powerful magic.

I like the dialogue, but the casualness of the Grumr talking with Keth about how he has hunted him forever felt a little off. We know they were/are enemies forced to work together, but the Grumr's casual tone sounded like they had become friendly towards one another.

I also felt that while Keth might be feeling compelled to help Iraisa, he seems like a nice enough character to not say something like that in front of her. It felt like his personality was at odds with his behavior, and it was almost like I could see the author speaking through him, making him say something just to incite some conflict among the members of the party.

Overall though I really am enjoying this story. The segment about the time travel and the extradimensional bubble was pretty cool, and a really neat piece of worldbuilding. I like how the millions of years ago was tied in with dinosaurs, that seemed really cool to me (Though it may be just because I love any and all dinosaur things).

Oh, and a typo, first line of the last paragraph, to instead of too.

[Asmodemon]

James already said much of what I was going to say. I’m still enjoying the story, though these chapters a little less than the previous ones. Like you said it does feel a little lost.

Slow start: The very first page doesn’t feel like it moves the story any further. At first I was happy to see Iraisa’s POV, but that soured when page one turned out to be information about a world that isn’t relevant now, some reason or other why Iraisa is sitting around being bored (having a character be bored is dangerous, it can easily make those sections feel boring to the reader as well) and we get a recap on what she felt in Keth’s mind (we already know what this is due to his POV). It’s like you’re writing yourself back into Iraisa’s POV. Maybe this first page doesn’t have to be there.

Slow finish: Skipping ahead to the end, it has the same problem as the beginning. When the characters are trying to figure out what’s going on they recap all the things that already happened, which didn’t happen that long ago (two, three chapters ago).

POV: There are some odd POV slips in Iraisa’s section. Her bullets rip through the chesires, managing minimal damage. How does she know? And from their perspective she was a bulky figure all in black. Why pause to consider how they see her other than to let the reader know what she looks like? If it’s important maybe an earlier POV should have remarked on it.

Show don’t tell: There are a few sequences where you tell of things that would happen rather that actually show them happening. For instance, on page two, the paragraph starting with “Iraisa acted on instinct”. This is a fighting sequence, or rather, it should be. Instead you explain what would happen due to Iraisa’s actions rather than showing what actually happens. Take sentences like “chesires themselves would be unharmed”.

Pocket dimension: Why is this relevant and for that matter, why do the chesires have a pocket dimension that’s like a prison to them when they are burned or destroyed in the real world? To me this brief bit of information is an unnatural info-dump given the sequence we’re in, slowing the pace of the scene down.

Mind meld: I’m liking the mind meld between Iraisa and Keth less and less. When Iraisa remarks that the knowledge from Keth was getting pervasive I actually wanted to add that it’s annoying too, since his knowledge reads most like an info dump.

Painkiller: I thought the painkiller Keth could provide was a little too convenient, but maybe that’s just me.

Magnet train: It wasn’t until you said the thing they travelled on was a magnet train that I could finally picture it. Before that, a flat wooden board which could manage any kind of speed was completely alien to me. I think that, while I realize on some level this world has technology like satellites, the presence of so much magic in the main characters makes me lose sight of that.

Grumagnum: Just no.

Injuries: Yes, very good, the Grumr gets seriously injured. You don’t pull punches, I liked that. Small note though, you later mention eyes (plural) though he only has one left (“A spark of The Grumr’s old fire lit his eyes”)

Hearts on sleeves: James already remarked on this with Keth telling Iraisa and the Grumr that he feels he’s being compelled to help Iraisa, but your characters are so open with their feelings and thoughts and motivations it makes them feel less real.

Iraisa’s past: While interesting, when I came to the part where Iraisa tells of the history of her world I first thought “crap, another info-dump”. It wasn’t bad, because it was interesting, though maybe the realization of Hammond and Valerie DeEkria comes a bit too easily. Did we see these names before, was there some foreshadowing in previous chapters? Because otherwise it seems a bit odd for the characters to suddenly leap to the conclusion that two people and their followers who disappeared years ago actually went into the past.

I did like the irony behind it though, going to the past to escape the wars of their present only for their descendants to create a stasis lock to get back to the safety of the future because they mucked things up in a war themselves.

[Aminar]

Apparently a lone Grumagnum reference got missed by control f. I'd taken those out for not fitting the tone... Great advice.

One of the big things I apparently missed describing was the fact that the area they were in(with the Komodo Dragon of fire) is that the area was pretty abandoned when everything happened. Even so, Aldriu is pretty openminded about the subject of magic Alot of magicy types hide out there. the natives are pretty clued in but its an open secret... A bit like if Alien Abductions were real in life. For all we know they are. Same with magic. It's pretty evident people believed in it once. It might even have existed. but we don't believe in it now... I'll have to work on that.

The painkillers are currently foreshadowing one of the darker sides of summoning, as well as the fact the Turtle was the first summon I ever created for Keth. Once upon a time his first raptor fight involved a giant six legged Chameleon trying to eat said turtle and disintegrating it's internal organs while being paralyzed instead. That Turtle has backstory and implicatiosn up the whazoo.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Aminar

[cjhuitt]

You should definitely clarify that the location Iraisa and the Grumr are in is not very full, because that was one of the first things that caught my attention; supposedly, the Grumr is so terrifying and whatnot that he can't just show up at this island like a normal person, but has to sneak in. Even so, Keth just ran into the lake area shouting his name, and there wasn't any other reaction.

There are parts where you have a lot of duplicate words, saying more or less the same thing. An example paragraph, with me adding some bolding:

Iraisa looked around, that was Keth’s voice. Where was he? She looked around and saw Keth following a running woman in a dress, a lanky blonde boy, an old man who looked three steps from death’s door, and a gigantic hairless man. A series of loud cracking noises followed them, and a gout of red blood burst from the blonde boy’s right leg. He stumbled, rolled to the ground and stopped moving, high thready screams of pain erupting from him as he lay on the ground writhing in pain.

Not all of the story has this repetition, by far, but it is something to look out for.

I was nearly thrown from the story when Iraisa, in her POV, identified cheshires as the ones shooting at Keth and his companions. Then when she demonstrated further knowledge of them and how little the handgun was damaging them, I was about ready to really freak out about the POV error. I then read further and saw it was explained (kind of), but I think you will probably want to hang a lantern on that one. At the time, I suggest she should quickly wonder how she knows what they are and so much about them, but save the reflection for after the danger is past.

Also, knowing what she looked like from the cheshire's perspective is indeed a POV error.

The snapping turtle that Keth summons: that's another thing that Iraisa may not know, but it's subtler. Also, although I was able to figure out that it was a fully-identified type of turtle, at first I thought you had accidentally left the alligator in from a previous draft or something.

The Grumr continues to reveal far too much, like how much healing cost him. I feel he should be masking his problems in front of a group of strangers like that.

I agree that the train platform thingie isn't well described at first. I thought it might be some kind of raft that they were using to float away unnoticed.

In chapter 10, you refer to the Grumr as "the Grumr" in his own POV.

It's somewhat unexpected that Iraisa can feel more trouble coming. I hope that has something to do with the kind of people chasing them, and is not a general spidey-sense.

The history of Iraisa's world does indeed read like an info-dump. It's not bad, necessarily, but it does slow things down a lot. I would suggest something to add tension -- either conflict between them, or something else that they are working on or doing while the explanation is going on.

In the final sections, you continue to have subtle POV errors. One example is when Keth fell asleep and "didn't wake again for more than half a day", but the section that presents this is from his POV. Another possible one is when the Grumr knows that Iraisa is hurt by Keth saying he wanted to leave them.

Despite all the problems I just listed, I'm still curious to see how the story goes, so you still have the core working pretty well.