2102 August 20 - Mandamon - The Best Kind of Present Rewrite 1 - First 6600 words

[Mandamon]

All,

Here is a rewrite of the beginning of The Best Kind of Present. I think I've addressed a lot of the concerns that came up last time. This section actually ends where the book started before...see what you think.

[JamesW]

So I'm reading this and I must say, I like the concept a lot. There isn't a lot I would suggest changing, it flows really well, the pacing is great, and the story is intriguing but I'll try and come up with some suggestions for you.

I think the argument between Newton and Liebniz might have been overdone. I say this from the perspective of a college math student, and from what I remember of history of math class, the general consensus among individuals today is that Newton and Liebniz developed calculus independently of each other. Indeed the two calculus' are similar, but there are enough key differences between them to safely say that the two developed independently. Their methods as well as some of their reasons for the development were quite different.

I found myself asking why they didn't just go speak to Liebniz about this. They could probably communicate with him, or at least try, instead of going after newton again and again. Or perhaps they could simply tell him that the future realizes that they both developed it separately, or something like that.

This didn't feel like there was a lot of conflict, the only conflict I see amounts to Newton getting angry and his mother trying to convince him of stuff again and again. I don't currently see anything going drastically wrong, or challenging the two of them.

Isaac doesn't seem very upset about his father's death, though maybe I'm just not seeing that in his voice when it's actually there. I think a young kid, even one with hopes of getting his father back would still be a lot more upset about everything.

Either way, I'm looking forward to the rest of this story, I really enjoy what I've read so far.

[Asmodemon]

For the most part I agree with James, this was a good read, but there are a couple of things that concern me though.

Pacing: After the escape from the future the tension sort of flees the story. You introduce a thirty minute deadline for any given time period outside the time machine with a dire consequence, but there is never a moment where I feel they aren’t going to make it. Most of what you’re doing here is a build up for the next part of the story and that is fine, but I do want to see a continuation that does the build-up justice. Otherwise I don’t see much point in what happens after Isaac and his mother flee in the time machine.

30 minute window: It’s good that the time machine isn’t all powerful and for that 30 minutes seem like a good choice. However the first trip outside the time machine, finding a particular merchant, exchanging money, finding the market, finding stuff on the market, buying those things and then return to the time machine should take longer than thirty minutes.

Ockham’s Razor: I find it funny that you mention Ockham’s Razor, since that’s what I was thinking of when reading the story. This whole plot to rescue Isaac’s father is very convoluted. Simple is better. Go back in time one day, warn the man and escape in the time machine. He invented the thing, he’ll believe them.

Yes, they’ll create a paradox, but what they’re doing right now isn’t much better. In fact, it’s worse, changing history in very broad strokes with no real plan, no precision incursions. Changing the future by making sure technology is invented sooner? They’re more likely to erase their own ancestors than to save one specific man.

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the feedback!

So I think these comments show what I need to focus on most in writing--bringing out character traits.

Isaac should be more upset about his father. Yep. I'll work on that.

One thing I wanted to bring out in the mother's character is that she continually makes bad decisions. First she decides to change history to get her husband back, then proceeds to fly all around rather than do the most sensible thing. I think this is clear later in the story, but any suggestions on how to bring this up earlier with showing rather than telling? You're picking up the exact points that you should, but before you have all the information to see why those decisions were made...

Pacing/Tension/Conflict.

The 30 minute window does get used, but again, later in the book. I think I can bring that part forward to increase the tension in the first part. Hopefully that will help.

[JamesW]

I think the mother needs a better reason why she can't just jump back in time a day or two before and stop whatever was happening from happening. If you show that early on it might do a great deal for the characters themselves.

[cjhuitt]

I just finished reading this version, and I'd say it's improved a lot over the previous one. My biggest problems have been brought up already, and tend to revolve around keeping the tension, and the silliness of the mother's plan. On the latter, if Isaac's parents had thought ahead enough to have a plan in case they get mobbed, and that plan includes one of them staying behind to buy time for the others, why would it not also contain ideas for how to prevent the situation, using the time machine if necessary? I mean, it could be as simple as leaving a red handkerchief on the bookshelf the day before it happened, telling the whole family to retreat to the time machine.

[Mandamon]

Yeah, ok. I'll go ahead and put it out there that I never even considered them just going back a day. One of those problems where I'm so involved in the plot that I don't see the easy answer. Of course, that's what writing groups are for...

I could make a valid argument for why they don't go back, and there are some reasons stated in the book why the best bet is to zoom off in the time machine. But, this also gave me a good idea on how to both keep the tension going at the beginning of the story and to answer this "small" plot hole (which tends to unravel the whole book...). Off to rework. I'll post the change when I get done, and then if there aren't any other giant problems that negate my premise, hopefully continue on with the story ;-)

Edited September 4, 2012 by Mandamon

[JamesW]

Well, it could be something so simple as them being unable to directly influence his timeline, so they have to go about it in a roundabout way. That's the most plausible explanation for it that I can think of off the top of my head. Just a mention of why this isn't possible would be enough for the readers, and would help propel them into this jaunt through time.