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July 30 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 17


Asmodemon

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You don't really appeal to the five senses. I never really got a sense of setting, or, for that matter, the logistics of the scene.

Even though I already knew the connection between the characters, the dialogue felt stilted, more like the dialogue was determining the how the characters acted in the scene than the other way around. I couldn't really differentiate between their voices.

Might have something to do with the fact that I felt like I had read this before. I'd like there to be more emotional revelation, or something. Right now it just reads as "My dad is in trouble and I'm going to help him with or without you" which is fine, but it lacks passion. The Ixia scene is better, but it also feels a bit cliche. I want to, at the very least, see a lip tremble, hear a heart break.

Why would Dais's dad being a "traveler and a merchant" convince them to help? There must be thousands of travelers and merchants around. I think there needs to be a better reason for them to get behind him. Maybe I missed something.

The monster attack felt almost tacked on just to validate this chapter's existence, but maybe you kill one of the characters, or something, in which case I kinda see why you would have them sitting around talking, like a calm before the storm. However, having said that, I think the monster attack was really well done. I felt fear for the characters, and fear of the monster as it approached.

Edited by Jack the Halls
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Most of what Jack said I'll try to avoid repeating, but I agree with what he said.

I enjoyed this chapter. I felt like I got a good idea of who the characters are and how they behave, and a bit about their personalities. I got (I presume) reminded of a conflict and a goal for Dais, so that is good. I also liked that I got a bit of recap from what happened previously, with the shifters. Seeing how that chapter effects the people here is interesting.

I didn't get a feel for the setting of this scene. You are talking about Dais looking around at the huts, but then a few paragraphs later there is a swordsman who was talking with someone else? I didn't know who Senna and Kalimeris were, but that is probably just a consequence of not having read the earlier chapters.

Minor typos:

Page 8: "they had more then a change" probably meant chance

Setting: I actually got more of a feel for the setting when the price for her help was a dagger. I dunno why but it gave a feeling of value on weapons, and that the weapons themselves had a higher then usual value. (I mention this because one of my key setting elements in the fact that there is very little metal in the world except for what arrives as meteorites, and the weapon being valuable is intriguing)

I got the part about the enormous beast, but I dunno what it looks like. I was trying to picture anything from an elephant to a stegasarous and I couldn't get a feel for what it looked like. I know it howls, but I wouldn't mind a bit of a visual description.

Story: I really liked that the two had just decided to become brother and sister, and it was a "everything is working out" and then the next thing is a sudden scream. I liked the transition, but it felt... a bit contrived? Or a bit abrupt? It seems like something I'd see in a movie, and while it isn't bad, it raised some red flags for me because of how sudden it was. If even a paragraph seperated the two events it might work better, but just food for thought.

I felt from the beginning that Dais was standing there casually and observing, and that he was in some form of authority. How does Dais know that Kalimeris had sent out scouts? Why is he watching the swordsman, and for that matter who is the swordsman conferring with the slimy man?

I don't know who Senna and Serissa are, but again, newcomer to the story, but I worry about the naming. The two characters start with Se for their name, so if they're in the same scene, they should be really well established where they are, and what they're doing so as to be distinguished from one another.

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  • 4 weeks later...

First of all, I hope my comments aren't coming too late to help.

Overall, this seemed a lot like a transition chapter, where we are reminded that the characters inside the town are all together and the next move is being planned. However, it seemed a little bit off to me as well. Part of it may have been the already mentioned dialog. Another part, to me, is the change in scenery from what I remember. Now, I'm not going to entirely vouch for my memory. However, I recalled the pavilion as more of a refuge from the problems in the rest of the city: ways blocked off, and armed members guarding the ways in and out. However, from the start here the members of the group are being watched, heckled, and threatened by a group of feral kids. That doesn't seem to match with what has gone before. It might make sense, in a drawn-out siege, but it took away from the sold-seeming reality I hope a story creates in my head.

I did like hearing about the rumors, although unless I've missed something, I wonder if the phrasings in a few of the early paragraphs are properly punctuated.

Another part of the reason it seemed off is that I didn't get a good feel for why Dias was acting the way he did early in the chapter. He's the POV in this chapter, so that doesn't bode well for relating to the chapter overall. Two things stand out in particular, related to this. The first is that Dias spends the beginning 2.5 pages observing what others are doing, rather than doing anything himself (except for one internal whine about not having his father). The second is when he decides to speak to Senna and Kal. I didn't see any reason why he made himself do so at this time. After all, once someone has put something off once, it gets easier to put that thing off again (aside to self: like, say, catching up on critiques). Also, like Jack the Halls mentioned, there is little emotional variation. I recall some, and looking at it, I can see hints of more, but i didn't really stand out to me.

I did like the bargaining with Rosalin, although I felt it came at too cheap a price for Dias. He's basically buying help to get his father back, which has been his primary goal for the book. Maybe if there was more of an emotional connection with the dagger (or if there is, if he reflected on it before making the deal)?

Why was Dias gaining confidence as he walked towards the source of screaming? That didn't seem right, either. Related, I read the phrase "like deer caught by plain cats" to indicate normal, or household, cats, instead of presumably big cats that live on the plain.

A final thing that seems off about Dias, at the end of the second page he reflects that "children shouldn't know such expressions". Maybe I got something wrong, but I didn't remember him being that much older than (my visualization of) the children he was reflecting on. To me, that reflection made him seem much older.

One other, last note about the phrasings. At the beginning, the phrase "lending a renewed sense of urgency to the refuge" parses oddly to me. I might humbly suggest "to the people in the refuge", or something similar, because it's odd to me to thing of a refuge itself having a sense of urgency.

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