12/22/14 - LerroyJenkins - Fractured Chpt 3-4 (L?)

[LerroyJenkins]

This is the third submission of Fractured. There is a summary of what you need to know in my email.

Ok! This is around 2000 words so its real quick. Bring on the critiques, and be harsh! If you want the earlier chapters just pm me and I'll email them to you.

Edited December 23, 2014 by LerroyJenkins

[Mandamon]

Grammar/word choice note:  There are a lot of "just"s in your first few paragraphs here.  Usually you can take them out with no loss to the sentence meaning. 

The first few paragraphs here also aren't that engaging, as all the action is passive.  I know you want to get past this part, but maybe throw in a line of dialogue to spice it up?

 

pg 3: "wonder"

--probably you mean "wander"

 

Pg 7: "You’re blood still flows"

--Your

 

This was a pretty short entry, and read easily.  There some passive sections in a few places that could be reworded to be more interesting, mainly because most of this section is explanation and infodump.  Usually that's a bad thing, but I think here it's a welcome break to explain some of the terms you've thrown out.  

You do still progress the plot while giving us information, and that's the important thing.  We learn what Eve is, and that she's different that most other people.  Now I assume she will do something about it.

Not much else to say.  This was pretty solid, even if the writing could be a bit crisper.  That sort of thing can be done while editing.  Looking forward to more next time!

[stormvisions]

Well, you have the genesis of a good story. I think the classes are interesting and the finding of a rare type (Zenith) points to interesting possibilities.

 

The one thing I think could be reworked (and there may be a word for this but I don't know it) is your tendency to 'lead' the reader too much or to 'tell' them more information than you need to, in order to convey the image. So instead of telling them how angry the person had been, and how someone had walked a way and said all this, then she was frustrated, but also  etc you might just

 

 

Joe whistled under his breath as he traced the cracks on the table. She did that with her darn hand.

 

Donna's scowl deepended, causing Joe to push back his chair nervously, as Prius called from the doorway "I'll talk to you after dinner when your calmer."

 

Sorry, I'm not sure I can explain very easily what I mean but people understand emotions well enough that you can let the reader figure out some stuff from the actions occuring. You don't have to lead them by telling them each step 'she got angry, then she got happy, then he was frustrated etc' they can get some of that from slamming, stomping, pushing, scowling, yelling - and it makes more interesting reading than passive(?) telling.

 

Keep writing.

Edited December 23, 2014 by stormweasel

[LerroyJenkins]

@Mandamon

A lot of good tips, and thanks for the grammar catches! I'll try and spice up the first few paragraphs.

 

 

@Stormweasel

Thanks for the critique! You have a great point, I definitely got lazy with the descriptions and started telling instead of showing. Brilliant suggestion, thanks!

 

Thank you guys for great critiques! Keep it up!

[RawToast225]

All right. You are setting the same trap for yourself that the author of Adventures Wanted set for himself. You are building up a main character extremely quickly with all of these insanely powerful powers. When you are done setting her up with all of them, where does she go from there? How does she grow? In Mistborn, once Vin was a crazy good Mistborn she advanced to Godhood. Where will your main character advance to? Keep in mind the try/fail cycle. You've got to make this believable.

Other than that, I'm really enjoying reading every submission. I want to get back to that one school thing you set up earlier. That was interesting

Keep up the good work!

[Robinski]

Wasn’t Chapter 3 included in the last submission? Oh, wait, it’s the continuation of Chapter 3, I think? I see.

 

Certa’s impression of Eve’s anger is puzzling to me. He thinks she’s clearly angry, and yet you say she isn’t demonstrative (shouting and cursing), but if she’s angry, why doesn’t she wave her hands around and screw up her face in frustration? My point being, when Certa thinks he’s going to wait for her to calm down, it sounds from the description like she’s acting calmly already.

 

I think your description of how the people here behave in the street could be more colourful. I get that it’s different from the empire, where they all walk in regimented rows (I guess?), but your description of how this place differs is just a couple of people were running and a couple were just standing. What I'm thinking is, for Eve, it must be a riot of different facial expressions, people laughing, shouting, waving at each other, cursing a shaking fists – okay, not all at the same time, but you see what I mean? Different clothing, people smirking, grimacing, grumbling, smiling, looking nervous – all sorts, possibly.

 

“...carrying hammers and chisels”

 

Ah, so a Fray is a Brute. If you remember my earlier comment, a section concluded on her being a Fray. And it had no impact (for me), because I didn’t understand the significance. If I’d known that a Fray and a Brute were the same, I would have got more out of that reveal at the end of the earlier section. Also, Eve clearly doesn’t have twice the strength (or size) of a normal person, so I'm intrigued to understand how and Fray and a Brute are the same.

 

“...the way they came had come...”

 

Spotting that Priscus isn’t a Brute is not smart. As far as the reader is concerned, Brute’s are huge, so it’s obvious he’s not a Brute. Oh, wait, is it sarcasm? Didn’t get that at all.

 

So now, we’ve got another special class of person. Priscus is a Fray and an Archaic.

 

Priscus only tried to drop the hammer on Eve, also, nice line about him being ‘pissed’.

 

“...ailments are healed”

 

“too tired and drowning...”

 

The phrasing of the last sentence is a bit awkward.

 

I enjoyed this section, some revealing going on and explanation of things I’ve been questioning, which is good – I like that I didn’t need to go much further to get some answers, like Eve!! Again, the style is very comfortable to read, I think. Nice flow. Some detailed observations, above, but all-in-all I'm happy and looking forward to the next submission.

 

Some of the others have made really good points, certainly more perceptive that my nuts-and-bults stuff, but yes, please do keep writing. You've got a good basis for a story here, with lots going on and some good strong elements.

[LerroyJenkins]

First I just want to say sorry to Arthur and and anyone else that this applies to; I usually try and wait until I have two critiques to respond to before I say thanks and address the critic's points. So again, sorry to anyone it might irritate that I don't always respond right away!

 

@Arthur Dent

Don't worry, there are still ways for Eve to grow, but it is less important in this book. In this book Eve is a secondaryish character, and grows more emotionally than physically(I'll touch more on this in my response to Robinski).

 

@Robinski

Eves emotions: I'm having a hard time here. I want Eve to be an emotionally stunted character, more harsh and unfeeling than any normal person would be. I also want to show that the masks have two effects on facial features; Sapients become unaccustomed to seeing them, and using them. So I need to find away to show that she appears passive even when she is agitated.

 

I will definitely spice up Rixa life. Wait, would it be 'Rixan life', or what would it be? Anyway, that is another important cultural difference that Eve would certainly take note of. 

 

I'm so glad that you posted your thoughts about Eve's first encounter with a Brute!! I never would have realized that I phrase it in such a way that it seems that Brute and Fray mean the exact same thing, when in reality(and I think you notice this later on) its a rectangle/square thing, with Frays being a category and Brutes being a subset. 

 

I hope to really start opening up the characters and the story in the next few chapters!

 

P.S. Does 'pissed' earn this an L rating? I don't know, I think we're almost internally (technically) adults so I suppose it doesn't truly matter. But just in case maybe there should be some guidelines as to what earns an L, V, D, S, or whatever letter.

[Robinski]

Hmm, interesting...

 

I like that you want to make Eve emotionally stunted, which is course fits entirely from her upbringing as a Sapient. So far, I'd say that needs some refinement. If it was me, I think I'd use words like 'stoney-faced', 'expressionless', 'numb', 'blank', etc. in describing her reaction to things around her. I'm not sure how much you acutally describe her reactions though, which makes that difficult.

 

In the awkward scene where Certa thinks she's angry, and waits till she's not angry, but isn't sure, I would consider simplifying it. It's okay for him not to know how she feels at all, that's really what you're looking for, I think.

 

I would err on the side of caution. I doubt very much that anyone here would avoid reading your work if it had a 'L' on it.

 

Also, on the name confusion thing, I would take my comments with a pinch of salt. I critique by writing what I feel as I read. The reader being a bit confused at the start of a story by the names doesn't mean you need to explain everything clearly from the off, which is going to slow you down severly. I think you could add just a little more context to some of the names and it would be fine, without going into info dump territory, which would be dangerous ground.