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2012 July 9 - Jack the Halls - Touching Metal - Chapter 03 (and Prologue)


Jack the Halls

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Previously...

A young boy named Roman is being targeted by a bounty hunter, the S.O.M. Meanwhile, Roman is recruited by a noblewoman who wants to escape her obligations to an organization known as The Great Library.

In this chapter, I introduce my second (of 2) primary POV character. Also, I have attached a short prologue. I actually had nearly this same passage later (but with the rig leaving instead of arriving) but based on comments about the setting, I thought it would be better right up front. Plus, I think it works out thematically as well.

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You said in another post that you write at least 10 pages a day. I have to say, it shows in sheer writing ability. Reading your writing, I get that feeling as with some books where you could keep reading, even if you had no interest in the genre or story, just because the writing is smooth. There's the occasional awkward sentence, but most of it is very well done.

I'm reading the prologue right before the chapter it references, so It's kind of cheating, but I still think it does work well with the story. It gets referenced soon enough so that the prologue adds to the story. Using this place to put in some detail works too. I get a much better picture of the outpost than I did reading the whole first chapter.

I like Jo's contrast between her (real) thoughts and what she says. It sets up good opportunity for later conflict. I'm also a sucker for a good old hero's journey call to action... That said, she's just starting out, so I'm eager to see what happens to her.

My main problem so far is with the S.O.M. You say there's only two main characters, which I assume are Jo and Roman. It's clear the S.O.M. is some sort of antagonist. I'm thinking he shouldn't have a whole chapter this early, or at least, not the first chapter, to himself. When I was reading the first chapter, I was assuming he was the main POV. At the second chapter, I liked the switch to Roman, but now that you're adding another at least somewhat sympathetic POV, I really wonder how much is needed on S.O.M.'s point of view at this point. If he's going to be popping up in the future, I would keep his walk-ons short and to the point. Enough for the reader to get a clear view of his priorities (his wife vs. the mission) but not much more. How much is he going to add to the story? I like that you're getting into his head, but don't let him take over anything. If his viewpoints are necessary for the story to progress, then I would include him as a POV.

I'm basing this judgement on just a few set up chapters (which is sort of the problem with basing judgement on a chapter at a time), so feel free to prove me wrong. I'm generally positive here, because I like the writing and the characters you've set up. I think I need to see some more of the real plot before I can make any calls on overall structure.

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Your writing is definitely smooth, especially the dialogue. There's something about your non-dialogue writing I find offputting. I think it's that almost all of you're sentences are around the same length unless they contradict themselves(Sentences with although or the like. I would look into smoothing out those sentences, but it might just be that my voice is close to opposite yours. My usual descriptive sentences tend toward the massive(Which is a word I need to use less...) Hmmm.... Your issues are all very much high-level though. Excellant job.

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I like the story and where it is going, I'm typing this as I get through it and I stumbled a bit on Frienemies, it sounded like something used by high school students in conversation but if thats the tone desired then its negligible.

Your prose is great, and your clearly have a good deal of experience with writing, or are at least quite practiced.

I got a great feel for the world from the chapter, and after setting up the conflict the exposition was very expertly done. There was a sense of mysticism from the fortune teller, but also a sense of "This could be a conspiracy" and that is how she knew what to say to them.

I loved the reveal at the end that connected the two viewpoint characters, now I feel like they're going to be in the same location, so we can get a better feel for the story from different perspectives.

Roman asking for a fee from Oti for being a bodyguard sort of threw me, I thought he was willing to be her friend in spite of her befriending of him being somewhat fake to begin with.

The last part of Jo's chapter, where we miss on the vote? I was somewhat lost because I'm not certain how they lost a vote on their trip, all I noticed was that Sakuma was unconscious and I'm stuck wondering what they missed out on here.

Very good though, I like the setting and got a great feel of it from the chapter, excellently done.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Prologue

I liked it, short, to the point and a great way to set the scene and tone of the book.

Chapter Three

So far I think Jo might be my favourite viewpoint character, her chapter starts far more in the ‘now’ of the character than the others. She has some clear goals (gaining votes) and an interesting dichotomy between what she says and thinks.

There are still quite a few instances of info-dumps and telling rather than showing, but they don’t feel as intrusive as the last chapters. That said, when taking all chapters into account, it’s still too much. The parts about Quinn syndrome, Jo’s life so far on the ship, aren’t things that are needed in as much detail right now. The part about ‘frienemies’ is better shown in interaction with her crewmates rather than being told up front. The same with Sakuma’s syndrome.

The end of Jo’s part was a good one, starting from the fortune teller refusing to read Sakuma. There are no distracting information sequences, it’s just straight into the here-and-now. That’s more of what I want to see in the other chapters.

I almost felt sorry for the scene break back to Roman, but this part worked for me too. It’s good to see the threads of the characters’ lives coming together so soon. Add to the that the threat of the fortune telling and you’ve got the start of a good hook.

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  • 3 weeks later...

There are still quite a few instances of info-dumps and telling rather than showing, but they don’t feel as intrusive as the last chapters. That said, when taking all chapters into account, it’s still too much. The parts about Quinn syndrome, Jo’s life so far on the ship, aren’t things that are needed in as much detail right now. The part about ‘frienemies’ is better shown in interaction with her crewmates rather than being told up front. The same with Sakuma’s syndrome.

The end of Jo’s part was a good one, starting from the fortune teller refusing to read Sakuma. There are no distracting information sequences, it’s just straight into the here-and-now. That’s more of what I want to see in the other chapters.

I felt this as well. It could be a difference between when I read chapter 2 and chapter 3, but this time I found myself annoyed by a number of the info-dumps. I suggest paring down to the minimum possible, and relying on alpha and beta reader feedback to tell you when things don't make sense anymore. I might also recommend spreading the information out a little more, although you generally do a good job at this. The other thing is that sometimes, I feel a one-sentence explanation -- or even a fragment of an explanation -- would help a lot in understanding the world in general.

About the prologue, I thought it was mostly unnecessary -- but then again, most prologues are. My biggest question in reading it was why the wheels were spinning? Is it an affectation, or does it still contribute to propulsion in some way? Other than that, it's a reasonable intro, but nothing spectacular. I might suggest that it actually be wrapped in with chapter 3, and consider having most of chapter 3 become chapter 1. I'm not yet sure exactly where this is in the chronology of the story, although the brief bit with Roman (which should wait) does offer clues, but I don't think it would be too confusing. If it were me, I'd try leaving the second chapter the same, then put the S.O.M. third (with the bit with Roman on the end of either chapter 2 or 3). I say this because I think chapter 3 provides a better, more immediate hook with Jo's conflicts, then Oti's desire to run away adds drama to the presence of Oil Spot. Following up with chapter 3 then presents a clear obstacle to Oti and Roman's plans, likely continuing past their attempted getaway on the rig.

Of course, that's all offered without knowing where the story is going after these chapters. I could be off base there.

On a more technical side, I had problems with the very beginning of chapter three. I wasn't sure at first who the POV character was. I had thought it was Sakuma, since (s)he spoke first, and the response from Jo with a forced smile, I thought was something that Sakuma was able to see was forced. It didn't help that the names aren't incredibly gender specific, so in the third paragraph when a man presses up against her, I still thought the "her" was Sakuma (with Jo being male). I started getting kind of confused at the end of that paragraph, which continued until the second page, after the discussion of chaperones. I then had to go back and re-read, which I did starting from the 4th paragraph, and it didn't help me; it left me still more confused. Finally I reread the beginning from the start, and figured out where I had gone wrong, and then things started making a lot more sense. This should be fairly straightforward to fix, though I personally think it's important to eventually fix.

Other than that, I think the others have it covered for what I noticed (and didn't notice, when I saw the story rather than the prose).

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