2012 June 18 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals Chapter 8

[cjhuitt]

This is to discuss the eight chapter in my novel that is currently titled Blue Crystals.

I've been doing some thinking about the novel in terms of the three-act format, and I believe this chapter ends act 1 of my novel (I don't usually think that way during the writing). Besides comments on this chapter, I welcome any comments on the first act as a whole, or if you think it doesn't feel like a proper turning point.

So far, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. The next day, we peek in on Alberic as he learns of another theft in the night. Jorah's group splits the take from the heist, and Jorah receives an ultimatum to retrieve the bag of wine he had lost. Lance and Dexter accompany them, and all three encounter difficulties retrieving the bag, until monsters appear and run them off. That night, the group does another robbery, and Jorah finds a cart inside full of packaged goods. He also finds a leather pouch that he later learns holds what appear to be glass beads, but to him they shine with a blue light.

[Jack the Halls]

Page 1

- Having the word pace three times in three lines is distracting.

- It reads like he has only met the scribe once before.

- I don't buy that walking the street has NEVER failed him. In fact, I'd say that a lot of times walking the streets himself would specifically keep him from learning things in many cases.

Page 2

- Get rid of both "in"s in this opening paragraph.

- You've now used three possible descriptors for who I still think of as the scribe.

- Were you reading a Sam Vimes book when writing this scene?

- Redundancy: You don't really need him to think about how he doesn't know what the summons are about on two separate pages with other stuff between them.

- Okay. This guy is a guard, right? He's a career guard. And he doesn't know how to stand still? I'm the type of person who can't stand still on a regular day, but having been a rent-a-cop, even I know how to stand still in a situation like this. Nitpick.

Page 3

- So the single chair is on the side closest to the door?

- XXX closes the door once XXX is through it but he's on the outside while Alberic is on the inside?

- Zen immediately makes me think of Buddhism. If this was your intent, then cool, but if this isn't our world and Buddhism doesn't exist...

Page 4

- Why wouldn't the thief gang at least consider the glass beads were crystal?

- I like that you hang a lantern on the fact that the beads shouldn't have been stolen so easily.

Page 5

- Thieves took something that was not theirs? No, really?

- Offer a reward. That's brilliant! I'm glad it was the first thing he thought to do. Despite the description as a man of action, I see he is actually more a man of thought.

- When your dialogue carries to the next paragraph, there should be an opening quotation mark. I had to go back and re-read twice because I was like... Wait, this is still dialogue.

Page 6

- I don't see why the Lord summoned Alberic at all, except maybe so that he could see a crystal for himself.

- I like that the Lord ignores his pleas to crack down on thieves until something of his is taken.

- He SKIPPED? I'm sorry, but that picture is too ridiculous!

I think this was your strongest chapter so far. You're starting to have different plot lines coming together into one Plot. My only real fear is that it's too much like Vimes goes to see Vetinari (or, you know, a non-Pratchett equivalent) only there isn't any funny.

I forget who said it, but more and more I think this story could just start with the latest robbery.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

The very begining is too wordy. And by very begining I mean the first paragraph. I think it would be much better if you gave us a bit longer section of him actually pacing instead of just saying "he' paced alot."

As the paragraphs go on, the above theme continues. We are give a lot of information but it would be better to to deomonstrate this more within the text. Or as much as you can. the part of about the majordomo robably does require a bit more exposition then the rest, but generally, the whole thing needs more action instead of just listed events.

some of the dialogue bothered me as well. Not because it was bad but because the word choices seemed out of place. Like a little too modern. but then I really don't know your setting all that well (this is chapter 8 after all) so maybe I'm talking out my ears. either way, I like the guard captain.

[Mandamon]

So, evidently beach internet access is not so great. I'm back to civilization now...

To me, this chapter was a lot of repeat of chapter 4. I want to like Alberic, but the subject of the chapter just isn't that interesting.

first, a couple notes--I think everything else I noticed has already been mentioned:

"He grunted and threw himself into a chair, in the opposite corner of the clerk— no use antagonizing the man."

Which man? You've spent a few paragraphs in description, so I'm not sure who you're talking about by now. Also I know you're filling in names later, but the many XXX characters are not helping the already sort of confusing context.

Zen philosophy? I know this has already been mentioned, but I wanted to add one thing, as a general comment. I've seen several other mentions along the way of Earth-centric things. If this is Earth, by now, say so. If not, start giving the philosophy and other Earth-centric things some different name to clue you in.

Overall, this chapter once again had a lot of description, a lot of thinking, and not a lot happening.

It's good that you're setting up the chase for the main characters, but it still feels like a chapter that's an excuse to reveal the plot. The blue crystals belong to the lord and he wants them back--we could figure that out on our own or through some hints (maybe a glimpse of him looking at one of the crystals). You have Alberic with free reign now to hunt the thieves. Did he not have the ability to track down thieves before, or was it just that it wasn't his primary concern? I like Alberic's character, but the two chapters with him in them don't seem to advance the plot. Also, Alberic is a trifle TOO happy at the end of the chapter to be believable with his character.

My only real fear is that it's too much like Vimes goes to see Vetinari (or, you know, a non-Pratchett equivalent) only there isn't any funny.

I had the same thought!

[cjhuitt]

- Were you reading a Sam Vimes book when writing this scene?

...

My only real fear is that it's too much like Vimes goes to see Vetinari (or, you know, a non-Pratchett equivalent) only there isn't any funny.

I had the same thought!

I can see I might have something to address! I wasn't actually reading a Pratchett book while writing this one, but I will admit to having read a good many of them, the Sam Vines ones included. I didn't intentionally model Alberic on Sam Vimes, but I can see a lot of influence from here, having written it.

The Lord (who will be given an actual name any day now, not just a title) is actually very little like Vetinari, at least.

To me, this chapter was a lot of repeat of chapter 4. I want to like Alberic, but the subject of the chapter just isn't that interesting.

In my new revised plan to the opening of the story, I'm probably going to combine chapter 4 and this chapter, and hopefully at a little more conflict in as well.

You have Alberic with free reign now to hunt the thieves. Did he not have the ability to track down thieves before, or was it just that it wasn't his primary concern?

His primary job prior to this had been to primarily keep the wealthy and influential happy (no muggings, streets relatively clean, etc.). So it wasn't his primary concern before, and he didn't have the manpower to spend on relatively minor thieves who weren't bothering the high muckity-mucks. I tried to convey this in these two chapters, but I'll see if I can't make it more clear in a revision.

[TheSadDragon]

Hectic week is hectic.

With weekend soon come to an end however I finally have some time to play catch up!

This was quite an interesting read for many reasons. As I was reading this chapter I was expecting to be introduced to the antagonist of the story -- something that didn't happen like i thought it would. So far it seems like there is simple two sides of a conflict neither good not bad just conflicting. The Lord didn't seem like a tyrant or anything just royally pissed for having been stolen from.

I find the setup really nice as well. When the reward and pardon comes out there will be a lot of shady characters out for the crystals. I can easily see all types of crooks going after them in hopes of the pardon -- and if Alberic is lucky they might even do themselves in and make his job easier. From Jorah's side it makes for all kinds of conflicts of who he can trust. Even Dexter who was in on the hit can easily tip someone else of to where they can find the crystals if he wants to get rid of Jorah -- though it didn't feel like they were that much at odds but who knows.

All in all I really liked how this chapter sets up the rest of the story.

As for things I thought could have been done differently, I think most issues have been mentioned above.

The 'Zen' bit does make you think of things in our world -- and while some people will be able to get over that and just roll with it for some it will throw them out of the immersion. If it is set in our world than it is a whole different story.

There were also a couple of places where I felt you added words that felt like you could just do away with, without any impact on the story.

damnation the new boots, anyway

Like the anyway in this sentence.

This is of course minor stuff but still something I noted as it didn't make the text flow as well as I feel it could have.

The last thing I found is that you seem to split up the same characters dialogue into different paragraphs rather than keeping them together -- something that I found a bit confusing as from my experience this isn't normally done.

“I was not initially convinced there was a theft; or rather, that the thieves

were persons other than the workers. Further questioning convinced me that

this was the case. I also think it very likely the theft happened in this city. Last

night, to be specific, at the XXX depot station. In fact, once this was determined,

one of my men was able to find“ — he picked the sheet from his desk and read

from it — “‘a rear window with fresh pry marks, indicating it had been

unlatched from the outside.’

“Let me be clear about one thing; it should never have been possible for the

thieves to get this package in the first place. Nor should they have been able to

so easily gain access to the depot. Both of those problems are being taken care

of as we speak. However, neither of these measures restores my package to

me.”

It might just be that I'm trained from reading other books to interpret the new paragraphs as someone else's dialogue but the content here makes it clear its the same character that is speaking.

In general I think you might be a bit to happy in making new paragraphs ^^;

That said, I didn't have any problems following the story told in this chapter but I felt I should mention it so that you are aware of it.

Definitely looking forward to reading the next chapter!

-TSD