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2012 June 11 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals Chapters 6-7


cjhuitt

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Previously, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. In the fourth chapter, we peeked in on Alberic, the city's captain of the guards, as he learns of the group's robbery from the previous night. The fifth chapter consisted of Jorah, with two fellow thieves, attempting to regain the bag of wine from the previous heist. The Testing Ground plays with them prior to producing more monsters to drive them away, once again empty-handed.

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CHAPTER 6

Page 1

- It feels like they are very professional at first, but less so once they get to the door.

Page 2

- I like that he feels guilty for grabbing her butt. Feels very REAL and shows that while he is not against stealing (well...) he is against cheating. Even through this, he notices how firm it is. Great stuff!

- In my head, there is definitely a problem with the logistics you describe with her standing on Dexter's shoulders trying to open a window that Lance later just jumps up and closes. Is she squatting down? Why not just sit on his shoulders?

- Why can't they pick the lock?

Page 3

- I'm having trouble getting the size of this place down. It seems pretty huge, but from the outside it doesn't look like a warehouse from the outside, right?

Page 4

- Canned food. So I'm picturing a technology level around the early 19th Century?

Page 6

- Based on the previous scene, I think he would feel guilty when Kat uses her feminine whiles on him. Or, if her hitting on him is so common (as later stated) maybe he's just used to it? Still, he felt guilt for something less... um... pure than her intentions.

- It seems like you have the same exchange twice in a row here. Once, before Kat grabs his arm, and once again after. Emphasis? Feels a redundant to me.

Page 7

- So the team has been together two years? Is this the first time Dexter has accosted Jorah about Kat like this? If so, why has he waited so long?

Page 8

- I like that Jorah gets his hackles up here. It's the first time I've seen him have anything resembling a backbone, and it comes across just petty enough to feel realistic, especially because we find out later that Dexter could easily solve any "dispute" with his fists.

Page 9

- I feel the last page or so meanders a bit, and I'm not sure if this is your intention or not, but I had to force myself not to skim to get to the next chapter.

- At this point I have some reservations about the pouch. Not a fan of when character just happens upon a plot device that just happens to be important later.

I really like this chapter. We get to see them working as a team (though I feel like they had way too many people to pull off such a small job). The show vs. tell thing isn't nearly as big a problem. I didn't feel like there was any real danger of them getting caught, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Also, Molly really feels like the boss in this one, and the characters feel more like a crew with backstory.

CHAPTER 7

Page 1

- I want some identifiers about their hideout here to make it stand out and not just feel like a generic hideout.

- Now I'm wondering why they don't take lights into the warehouse with them. I'd think they'd have some sort of direction lighting to keep from being noticed, or something.

- How could wrapped jerky feel like leather, but he immediately recognizes the pouch by feel?

Page 2

- I had a moment where I thought you were going to make Molly the close-minded leader who doesn't listen to reason, right before she listens to reason. Good stuff!

Page 3

- My reservations about the pouch are back. So he just happens to find the pouch that just happens to have magical glass beads that he happens to be the only one to be able to see?

- Though I do like their reactions to the glass beads. I was expecting them (based on how they've treated him before) to comment on how he couldn't even take valuables right.

Page 4

- The plot thickens!

- I feel like I'm beating a dead horse now, but these obvious bad guys just happen to give the pouch to an incompetent who just happens to leave it where our hero just happens...

So, as you can tell, my major problem with these two chapters was how the beads were found. Too convenient. Could be an easy fix, though. The robbery scene comes across smoothly, the characters all become more real, and the beads offer a direction to the story that has great potential. I like that you had a separate chapter just about the beads as well.

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Apologies for the multitudinous posting all at once...I'm reformatting my computer tonight, so I wanted to get this done beforehand.

First, I should say that I really enjoyed these last two chapters. It feels like you're getting into these characters.

Chapter 6:

-This heist is a lot more interesting than the one in Ch 1. It helps that Jorah seems a little more competent now. The Jorah/Kat/Dexter intrigue sums things up better than Jorah's daydreaming in Ch 1 and Molly's self-introspection in Ch 3. This also gives some character development as you do it.

-Green men--what's going on here? I know it's hints about the worldbuilding, but you might need a little more. The juxtaposition of something we recognize as early 1900's SciFi (little green men) with a fantasy setting either needs more explanation to mesh together, or something to stave us off until later. That and the lack of description about the city is getting closer to the frustrating than the tantalizing. Also Molly's height is made mention of again, but no real explanation.

Chapter 7:

So, as you can tell, my major problem with these two chapters was how the beads were found. Too convenient. Could be an easy fix, though. The robbery scene comes across smoothly, the characters all become more real, and the beads offer a direction to the story that has great potential. I like that you had a separate chapter just about the beads as well.

-I've always assumed when this sort of thing happens (the hero finds the convenient object), that otherwise there would be no story, so it's sort of required for coincidences to happen to have a really good tale!

-I thought this was a nice concise chapter with plenty of excitement and questions raised. It really starts getting to the heart of things.

-Having read all seven chapters basically in one reading, here's a big suggestion, and feel free to ignore me:

I really think the last two chapters, with some minor explanations added, can make a dramatic start to your story. Even though I've read the whole thing, I think I could have jumped in at chapter 5 and not lost a lot of information that couldn't have been added in a few sentences. What if you cut the first 4 chapters out entirely?

-Also, all the chapters have been from Jorah's perspective, except for #2 and #3. The POV change is too short to catch the attention, especially having two different POVs. I would think either you could give Jorah a large chunk of time, or sprinkle in different POVs more often.

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Nice chapter. It’s good to see the group pull off another heist. The conflict between Jorah and Dexter is a good touch, the group could use some more tension to make things interesting. I do wonder if this explosion between them shouldn’t have happened earlier, given how Kat behaves and Dexter obviously feels, but that is a minor concern.

The others already addressed some of the important points, but I do want to add a couple of things.

Passive: While not exactly passive voice there are a couple of instances in this chapter where the phrasing makes certain sentences and paragraphs read slower and feel more detached than they could/should be. This happens where you use things like ‘had looked’ or ‘was helping’. Removing ‘had’ from a couple of sentences can make them stronger.

An example:

By the time Jorah had looked back, Dexter had bent over and Lance was helping Molly up onto Dexter’s shoulders.

Alternatively:

By the time Jorah looked back, Dexter stood bent over while Lance helped Molly onto his shoulders.

Exclamation mark: This is a nit-pick, but you used an exclamation mark a couple of times in the dialogue of the heists scenes. For people who are committing a burglary it doesn’t seem prudent to talk with exclamations.

McGuffin: Finally we see the blue crystals that give the story its name and I hope they’ll actually play an important part rather than only as a catalyst to get a whole lot of people after Jorah. Right now that’s what it seems like they’ll be and that would be a shame.

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Hello!

A bit late but I'm going to go through as many submissions as I can today and next week and since I didn't post my feedback in here last week i though I should rectify that first before moving to the newer submissions.

First things first. I really liked the chapter. Even if i hadn't read the previous chapters I didn't feel too confused when reading -- this can both be a good an a bad thing. It felt like chapter 6 introduced that characters. There where no real conflict for the team as the heist never felt like it could go wrong so there where no real tension there, instead we had focus on the characters. This is part of why it worked so fell for me as I could learn about the characters without also having to pick up on much plot. The main plot hook, for me, came in chapter 7 which felt like this is where the story actually will start.

Now there where still a few things that made me wonder and a few that felt odd to me.

Most of this centers around the fact that the crew have been together for 2 years and from what I can tell Jorah has been thieving for at least that long. For easy reading I'll list it in list form and comment on each point in the list.

1. Did they do recon of the place?

There are a number of small things I would have suspected that a group who has been pulling jobs for two years would have done before the night of the crime which this crew seem to have missed for one reason or another.

1.1 I would have suspected them to have planed where they were going to make their entrance and how -- as well as how they would get back out.

As indicated by the scene at the door it doesn't seem that they have thought this through and are more operating on impulse rather than careful planing.

1.2 Knowing where to look for the loot inside the warehouse.

While I'm not saying they should know exactly where things are I would expect them to have a good idea about where to find the items they are looking for. Maybe having staked out and watched as goods have been taken in and out and trying to get a good look inside to see if they can locate where the desired goods are stored.

2. Focused on the work.

This is more or less only something related to Jorah. The scene where he has to brace Molly to help get the window open, I would expect Jorah to focus more at the task at hand first and his feelings of 'what am i doing' second.

Of course the way it is written gives us a picture of Jorah as the naive one which might be exactly what you are going for. Personally I have liked to see it switched around and have him feel guilty for noting that her chull is firm

rather than it being an after thought.

Once they are inside the warehouse he does stop to notice things that are irrelevant to the heist itself (like the saddles) but it feels more like a throwaway line and not something he actively focuses on, which i feel add to the scene rather than being a lack of focus on his part.

As this is from Jorah's POV i cant really say much about the rest of the crew in this regards. Molly did seem very reluctant to take the goods on the cart -- though this gets lampshaded by Dexter calling her out for being too paranoid.

Now on to something more fun!

Character Dynamics.

I think you did a really good job here. In regards to the point 2 above I would like to use Dexter as a good example.

He actually sides with Jorah when at the cart and it isn't until Kat starts getting all friendly with Jorah that we get the other side of him. He feels like a real person as he isn't just there to antagonise Jorah.

I would say though that it's a bit strange that Jorah doesn't seem to feel any guild about Kat as he did feel uncomfortable with bracing Molly for the job.

We also get to see them relax a bit more after the job is done and they go their different ways before going back to work when they are going to divide the loot.

Chapter 7.

This felt like a good hook and makes me want to read more -- which incidentally I will be doing once i have posted this post ^^

The only thing i can suggest about this chapter is to make it part of chapter 6, ending the chapter. This will provide a good break making the reader want to continue reading the next chapter.

Looking forward to reading and writing feedback on your next chapter!

-TSD

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Thanks everybody for the comments on this (and the other chapters). It's been really helping me figure out what I want to do with the opening.

-I've always assumed when this sort of thing happens (the hero finds the convenient object), that otherwise there would be no story, so it's sort of required for coincidences to happen to have a really good tale!

That's kind of been my thoughts as well, in tales like this, but I've been thinking I might want to have Jorah take it first, without the debate, then have the repercussions come out more fully later.

I really think the last two chapters, with some minor explanations added, can make a dramatic start to your story. Even though I've read the whole thing, I think I could have jumped in at chapter 5 and not lost a lot of information that couldn't have been added in a few sentences. What if you cut the first 4 chapters out entirely?

I've been considering that, sort of. I do think I'll be moving this scene much closer to the beginning of the story, anyway.

-Also, all the chapters have been from Jorah's perspective, except for #2 and #3. The POV change is too short to catch the attention, especially having two different POVs. I would think either you could give Jorah a large chunk of time, or sprinkle in different POVs more often.

The amount of time for each POV is something I've struggled with more in this story than in my previous ones. Part of me wants to drop the extra POVs and just concentrate on Jorah, but I'm afraid there are parts that won't work from his POV, and the general advice I've seen is to introduce POV switches early in the book if you are going to have them. I guess what that leaves me with is strengthening the reasons for having other POV chapters early, since the story as written doesn't support them as well.

McGuffin: Finally we see the blue crystals that give the story its name and I hope they’ll actually play an important part rather than only as a catalyst to get a whole lot of people after Jorah. Right now that’s what it seems like they’ll be and that would be a shame.

Yes, the reason the story has its name. They do play more of a part than just getting people to chase Jorah, though it won't come out for at least a little bit. I'm also hoping to come up with a better name eventually, but for now it's the story revolving around blue crystals, so that's what it is named.

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So, as you can tell, my major problem with these two chapters was how the beads were found. Too convenient. Could be an easy fix, though. The robbery scene comes across smoothly, the characters all become more real, and the beads offer a direction to the story that has great potential. I like that you had a separate chapter just about the beads as well.

-I've always assumed when this sort of thing happens (the hero finds the convenient object), that otherwise there would be no story, so it's sort of required for coincidences to happen to have a really good tale!

That's kind of been my thoughts as well, in tales like this, but I've been thinking I might want to have Jorah take it first, without the debate, then have the repercussions come out more fully later.

Just wanted to say that I thought it was nicely handled. Sure it might be a convenient excuse to get the story moving but so far it didnt feel odd in any way. The real problem I can see comes from giving Jorah a good excuse to keep the gems -- assuming he keeps them ofc.

-TSD

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