2012 June 4 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals Chapter 5

[cjhuitt]

The fifth chapter in my novel currently titled Blue Crystals.

Previously, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. Finally, we peeked in on Alberic, the city's captain of the guards, as he learns of the group's robbery from the previous night.

[Wrim]

Thanks for the story!

You're very good at describing exactly what's going on.

"This happens and he does this etc." I felt no confusion in what was happening.

Your way of describing the action felt like your strong point. It had a continuous flow.

The only thing I would have wanted to know more about was the environment in which the stuff happened.

"Hands lunged up out of the ground all around them."

What did they look like?

I haven't read the 4 previous chapters, so I didn't know what the characters looked like.

I remembered Molly as the cranky one, and Kat as the chef.

I didn't really find any explicit differences between Lance and Dexter, but since I read this chapter out of context, I guess they were probably described earlier in the story.

Lance scared Jorah in the clearing, so I figured he was a joking-type, but in the end Dexter's the one who scares them both with the clap on the shoulders.

That's what I came up with. Good read!

[Jack the Halls]

First of all, nice to meet you. I debated whether or not I should just jump right in. After reading through the board a bit, I think you would approve.

I'm coming into your story without having read the first 4 chapters. With that in mind, I tried to stay away from judging character (negatively) or anything else that could have been explained already (or that might be a mystery and I'm not in the know). Instead, I tried to focus on structure, as I would looking at a similar chapter that I wrote. I'll try my hardest to go back and read to catch myself up, but the truth is I have limited "fun" time as I'm sure you all understand.

I hope some of these ramblings are useful to you. Keep in mind that most of them are just thoughts I had trying to think from both a reader and a writer's point of view.

Is it just me, or does the chapter takes about 5 pages before I really feel like it finds a purpose? (Says the man who has a prologue to his feedback.) I really get sucked in around page 6 and stay sucked in until the end, when I feel a bit let down because not only was the beginning a recap, but the end turns out to be a recap as well. No plot progression in a chapter this early in a book opens up a great many alleyways that a writer can use. In regards to this chapter alone, I don't know.

I understand the need for a transition, a recap... It would have been okay if the rest of the chapter advanced the plot in some way, but it doesn't. It feels like a double-fake-out. The characters are right back where they started, so in the end, the entire chapter is a recap chapter with some cool action sequences in between. With both very exciting (in different ways) climaxes being so awesome, I feel almost bad for them sandwiched together between a recap and a recap.

The dynamic introduced during the dialogue between when the three of them were off searching was really well done. I understand everyone's motivations and why they felt the way they did. It was the perfect opportunity to throw a curve ball, which you did. Not one, but two curve balls. I think you might have been able to condense the first 5 pages and started where they are in the woods. Or expand the first part into its own section or chapter? I don't know. Just throwing thoughts around.

The entire sequence (starting about page 7) where their feet get stuck is good. It poses a puzzle that the characters must solve. I didn't really feel the panic or fear, but I think you did that on purpose for later, when the hands show up. That got my heart pumping big time. Having it come right after they think they have succeeded was brilliant.

My only real request is more physical description. I had a hard time picturing them falling and getting back up while clinging to each other. I kept getting the idea that they were both in quicksand and playing Twister. I got the feeling that the characters saw a distinct line between where they could and could not step, yet the line felt muddy. Also, Are the hands reaching out on arms and then sinking back into the ground, or are they just hands that flail about? How many are there, really? Enough that we are to believe there are people under the ground, or is this one of those beyond surreal scene (the scene at the beginning of Day of the Dead comes to mind).

[Asmodemon]

What I liked about the start of the chapter is that it sticks with the characters doing something, rather than one character having a big introspective moment. Nothing much happens in it though, except getting on the road to the testing grounds, which we knew was going to happen anyway.

I don’t mind the first two pages, it shows a bit of the ‘home’ life for the characters and that’s good. In fact, I like this part, though I’d like to have a bit more description on what the place looks like. I’ve mentioned lack of descriptions before. This chapter suffers for it throughout. A lot of places and people are grey forms moving around. I have to imagine a lot myself and that mental image gets jarred a lot when you suddenly though describe something.

An example of this is when the Jorah and company leave the straight road for a different path. For some reason I pictured wilderness, but this can’t be since they’re still in the city. I was jarred from this image when you mentioned ‘soon he again noticed the houses decaying’.

The sequence about Jorah, Dexter and Lance being on the road feels superfluous. You put a lot of attention on this one road, remarking that it’s straight, but I haven’t seen enough of the city to really feel that this is something special. I hope this road and its guards become important later, otherwise this scene only slows the chapter down.

We then get to a long scene of the three standing around near one part of the testing ground; Jorah is afraid, the other two aren’t. Jorah doesn’t want to enter that way and only wanted to show them the testing ground from a different angle. Why doesn’t he want to enter it that way and why does he want to show his companions what looks, to all appearances, to be a normal park? He’s afraid the monsters are going to get them on the clearing, but how is the other path any better? To me this scene also doesn’t matter in the grand scale of the chapter. Or am I missing something?

Things really pick up when they find the stuck bag. That part of the chapter is very good, though I’d like more descriptions here as well. Panic, fear, mystery, the hands reaching out from the ground. Good stuff.

There is a point that didn’t work so well for me though, and that has to do with getting stuck. First I thought the bag was stuck because the hands were holding it down from below the ground. I liked that image, but apparently that isn’t the case. Somehow a magic is keeping the bag and everyone else down except for Jorah. To me this pushed me out of the story a bit. There’s no build-up that Jorah has a special power (or can negate other magic) and magically getting stuck on the ground doesn’t feel quite right to me either. Especially when you’ve built up the grasping hands.

How scary would it have been to have the character struggle to lift the bag only to have them drag up a hand as well. And then the other hands come up to grab them…that’s just a thought though. I am curious where you’re going with this power.

Apart from a few dragging moments I liked the chapter, but I have to agree with Jack – I’d like more physical descriptions as well. The bag and getting stuck came out of nowhere though, so maybe some build up would be nice.

[cjhuitt]

Thanks to all three of you for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

First of all, nice to meet you. I debated whether or not I should just jump right in. After reading through the board a bit, I think you would approve.

No, that's fine. That's exactly what I did with the first stories I read.

You're very good at describing exactly what's going on.

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words.

The only thing I would have wanted to know more about was the environment in which the stuff happened.

My only real request is more physical description. I had a hard time picturing them [...]. I got the feeling that the characters saw a distinct line between where they could and could not step, yet the line felt muddy.[...]

[...] In fact, I like this part, though I’d like to have a bit more description on what the place looks like. I’ve mentioned lack of descriptions before. This chapter suffers for it throughout. A lot of places and people are grey forms moving around. I have to imagine a lot myself and that mental image gets jarred a lot when you suddenly though describe something.

...

Apart from a few dragging moments I liked the chapter, but I have to agree with Jack – I’d like more physical descriptions as well. [...]

I think these three sets of comments all point at something that I kind of knew was a weakness in my writing. I know Asmodemon has mentioned it before, but I guess I hadn't yet realized how much this was affecting things. I'll be making a point to work on that in the near future.

Is it just me, or does the chapter takes about 5 pages before I really feel like it finds a purpose?

The sequence about Jorah, Dexter and Lance being on the road feels superfluous. You put a lot of attention on this one road, remarking that it’s straight, but I haven’t seen enough of the city to really feel that this is something special. I hope this road and its guards become important later, otherwise this scene only slows the chapter down.

I'm going a little by memory here, but I believe I intended the road to be a hint to a plot development that never actually shows up. It seemed fine when I read over the chapter before sending it out, but then again, I knew what the road was for and what it was eventually going to be used for. Now, I believe I probably will cut that portion of the chapter, because it really doesn't need to be there. The only real use I would have for it now is metaphoric, and I probably don't need to show the road -- or at least in such prominence -- for that.

We then get to a long scene of the three standing around near one part of the testing ground; Jorah is afraid, the other two aren’t. Jorah doesn’t want to enter that way and only wanted to show them the testing ground from a different angle. Why doesn’t he want to enter it that way and why does he want to show his companions what looks, to all appearances, to be a normal park? He’s afraid the monsters are going to get them on the clearing, but how is the other path any better? To me this scene also doesn’t matter in the grand scale of the chapter. Or am I missing something?

I will have to be more clear on this on a rewrite. The reason Jorah went to that part was to double-check that the bag was still where he thought it was, and that angle allowed him to have a look without entering the grounds itself. The reason he wanted to get it from the other way is because it was much nearer to that side, thus less time risked in the grounds themselves. As for a grand-scale reason, it was more to give me a chance to show Lance being a joker and more of Dexter's doubts.

There is a point that didn’t work so well for me though, and that has to do with getting stuck. First I thought the bag was stuck because the hands were holding it down from below the ground. I liked that image, but apparently that isn’t the case. Somehow a magic is keeping the bag and everyone else down except for Jorah. To me this pushed me out of the story a bit. There’s no build-up that Jorah has a special power (or can negate other magic) and magically getting stuck on the ground doesn’t feel quite right to me either. Especially when you’ve built up the grasping hands.

I'm going to have to keep back how it works, at least for now. As for the rest of the problems you point out, I think I may have to put in more foreshadowing. There are two partially interrelated aspects to that part of it. The first is that the testing grounds are unpredictable in their effects, and so this time it was more "mind games" at first rather than straight out monsters. The second is that the testing grounds are designed to keep people away from them, so the effects are done to generate fear. Jorah was already properly fearful, so he was somewhat exempt from the effects at first. Then, when he didn't leave quickly enough...

Of course, another answer is that Jorah is special, just not necessarily in a way that would much affect the testing ground's actions. I also kind of like the image you presented, of pulling up the bag to see hands holding it right before all the others appear.

I do appreciate the kind words on the parts with the puzzle and the hands reappearing. They were the part of the book that was most fun to write as well.

[Mandamon]

Here's my two cents...since I made some notes I feel like I might as well post them.

Chapter 5:

-Good menace on kicking Jorah out if he doesn't get the wine. It's about time he had a swift kick to get him going. my only concern is there's not a lot of reaction on Jorah's part. Does he just not believe it, or does it not matter if he gets kicked out of the group. I would think this would be a very scary threat for someone who has no other place to go and no means to support himself.

-pg 31 apostrophe use: "lords" instead of "lord's" and "your" instead of "you're". Another instance on the next page.

How scary would it have been to have the character struggle to lift the bag only to have them drag up a hand as well. And then the other hands come up to grab them…that’s just a thought though. I am curious where you’re going with this power.

-I also thought there would be a hand holding the bag down! But the mysterious power is more interesting. I didn't have a problem with Jorah being able to unstick the others, whether it's his power, or something to do with the testing grounds.

-spelling: pg 37, wandering instead of wondering, pg 42, squealed instead of squeeled.

-Another mention of greenies, several of space, and Lance is wearing jeans...now I'm intrigued. I know there's been a lot of talk about descriptions, and I don't want to beat a dead horse, but it's starting to get in the way. You have attention-catching references, but we need a context to put them in.

-Okay, so aside from a few minor grammar thingies, this was a great chapter! I'm intrigued, I want to know more about Jorah and his ability, whatever it is, and Lance and Dexter have some more personality. You have a race against time, mounting horror and tension of whether the hands will come out, the mystery of things sticking to the ground, and then a race against certain doom at the end! If you can capture this sort of feeling for the first 4 chapters, it will really perk up your writing.