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2012 May 28 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals Chapters 3-4


cjhuitt

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Two more chapters in my book currently named Blue Crystals.

In previous chapters, we met Jorah and the gang of thieves he is with as they complete a theft. He then wonders absentmindedly into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him. He makes it out, but not without losing his share of the loot.

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All right, first thing I want to say is that I really like Molly’s character and her conflict of dealing with her fear of getting caught and keeping her gang together. It’s good to see she’s taken notice of who gets caught and punished and who doesn’t, though chapter four proves that she’s already overstepped her bounds. Of the three POV characters I enjoy hers the most.

That said, the first three pages were a bit hit and miss. I liked that she takes care of a cat, but didn’t that she basically rehashed the last two chapters through her monologue with the cat. I liked reading about her motivations for sticking to low-end crimes, but not her introspection about Katsuro.

I think it’s because her conversation and introspection don’t provide anything new. We already know what happened in the last two chapters and can infer much about Katsuro by Jorah’s observations in the previous chapters. It’s also better to show these things, like Katsuro’s behaviour, in the interaction between gang members rather than be told like this. Last chapter I wondered along with Jorah if maybe Katsuro liked anyone in particular, considering the implications of that in light of Jorah’s slight jealousy, picturing a group of young thieves and the tensions between characters. Now Molly basically kills the mystery. I’d much rather have gone on guessing for a while longer.

On the whole the first three pages slow the chapter down. Now after that chapter three picks up and gets interesting all the way to the end. I liked the way the gang members interact with each other and how the direction their group is heading is decided. Like Molly you get the foreboding feeling of a slippery slope. Their crimes are going to step up and so is the attention they’re having.

In that regard chapter four is a great follow up. They’ve been lucky so far, but the police is aware of them and are going to step up the investigation a bit. It’s a short chapter so I’m not sure what to make of Alberic yet or how important a POV character he’s going to be. He seems competent and I like that in a character, especially an investigator.

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Thank you for this review also. I was looking over the chapters again myself, and noticed I left in some placeholders instead of names, also. I hope that doesn't through anybody, but I do plan on having names for The Lord, the Fence, and anywhere you see an XXX placeholder.

I liked reading about [Molly's] motivations for sticking to low-end crimes, but not her introspection about Katsuro.

I seem to recall that I had originally planned something that needed Molly's opinions of Kat firmly established, but I can't recall what it might have been anymore. I agree that there is a good chunk of duplication in the first chunk as well.

In that regard chapter four is a great follow up. They’ve been lucky so far, but the police is aware of them and are going to step up the investigation a bit. It’s a short chapter so I’m not sure what to make of Alberic yet or how important a POV character he’s going to be. He seems competent and I like that in a character, especially an investigator.

I had planned on making Alberic a recurring POV character, but I struggled with how much to put right here. Perhaps I'll come back and revisit the question after a few more chapters, because I liked showing that he had suspicions already, and that he wanted to do something about them, before the escalation happens. However, it did seem like a very slight chapter, and I haven't decided how to make it feel more substantial yet. Right now, I'm leaning toward making it so he is joining a guard for their patrol when they learn about the robbery. This will at least give the chapter a bit more action, and maybe let me describe the setting some more, rather than have it happen in his office.

Alternately, I could try to open the novel closer to the escalation, but for the rest of the story I feel it is important to show the testing grounds right away, and that won't be as easy once the robberies start getting official attention.

There's a little devil on my shoulder right now, and it's whispering to me, "Perhaps a prologue...."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chapter3:

-Ooh! New POV. I'm excited to see what Molly does vs. the whiny Jorah.

-"She let her hand down to rest on her lap and tried not to sigh. She hadn’t

necessarily expected the cat to still be here, since she was a couple hours earlier

than her usual visit, but she had hoped." This sentence is confusing--the cat is still here, earlier?

-The whole part with the cat is a little forced, but I like the description of character it provides for Molly.

-"it's" vs. "its" (sorry, pet peeve).

-Much better description of Kat by Molly than from Jorah. Even though the Jorah description needs to be edited, I still like the two contrasting viewpoints.

-"spacewaste." Is this slang, or just something Jorah came up with? I think there is still some missing setting description here. I don't yet know whether to view this as a fantasy, or horror/victorian, or what.

-This chapter is much better than the first two. You can easily see how Jorah seems to Molly. While it's a good setup chapter, my only complaint is that's the only thing that happens. You do get some good character facetime, but aside from that it's a fairly routine "let's divide up the loot."

-For example, what is up with Molly's height? Now that's really bugging me. You hang a lantern on it in the first chapter, and then nothing about it, even when Molly is comparing herself to Kat. I assume the rest of these folks are "normal" height. Is Molly just a genetic dwarf? Is she something magical? Is she non-human? It's more background and setting that needs to come through your descriptions.

Chapter 4:

In that regard chapter four is a great follow up. They’ve been lucky so far, but the police is aware of them and are going to step up the investigation a bit. It’s a short chapter so I’m not sure what to make of Alberic yet or how important a POV character he’s going to be. He seems competent and I like that in a character, especially an investigator.

-Contrary to Asmodemon, I have to say, this chapter didn't hold my interest. Maybe it's because, as you say, you struggled with how big of a character Alberic is.

There was a brief flicker of interest because it was a new POV, and then there was just discussion of criminal activity. The only thing that happened here was that we learn that some sort of police chief knows Molly's gang is around. It would be easy enough for it to be mentioned at some point that the guards might be on to them.

-The character of Alberic is good, and competent, but he's just reacting. We don't have any reason why we should care about the robberies. Is the city that short on supplies?

-To that point, now that you've introduced (I assume) the main characters, I've settled in, 20-ish pages in, and want to know more about the world, maybe from someone higher up in the hierarchy, like Alberic. What's the city like? Where is it? how is it ruled? I'm guessing Alberic works under the Lord, but is it a monarchy, oligarchy, democratic, tyrannical...? Are there factions of thieves? Do they bribe the guards with stolen goods?

Not trying to write for you...just trying to give some idea of what I think is missing from the story so far.

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