Commandante Lemming - Operation Pentagram (Short Story - 2580 words - L)

[CommandanteLemming]

I figured I should probably take a break from sending novel chapters this week as a lot of people are busy , I submit pretty often,  and a lot of people were out for the last "Haruwin" chapter. But since it's a slow week, I'll toss out a short story I've been working on and see what people think.

 

Normally I don't do shorts because I'm interested in getting in-depth, but this concept stuck in my head for a while, and I wanted to take a shot at doing something from beginning to end. 

 

I won't spoil too much except to say that this is a a send-up of conspiracy theories from my vantage point as someone who actually works in the Washington machine. I've always said that the main reason I don't believe in government conspiracies is that the government is too stupid to actually pull one off successfully.

[Mandamon]

An interesting alternate history short.  The story was easy to ready for the first half, but I was still wondering what it was about.  Very nice reveal on page 5 about what the conspiracy was.  Then I had just figured everything out when the folder plops down on the table.  Nice double punch on that one.

 

In all, I liked it.  It has good pacing, a nice twist, and it (unfortunately) seems believable.  A quick and entertaining read.

 

Not much else to say, but I suppose that's probably a good thing...

[Robinski]

What is a ‘gun walking’ operation? I get the comparison with gun running, but I don’t know the term.

 

It seems like there’s a disconnect when he arrives at Buckman’s office. When did he start moving? I thought he was sitting at his desk.

 

So, Buckman didn’t check the documents as he said he would before they are emailed out. Significant, or just shoddy? Certainly none of it sounds like good work, are these guys professional?

 

Again, Carnes displays a lack of professionalism, running up the stairs to a meeting, he’s going to be in poor condition when he gets there, he’ll look unprofessional and won’t perform as well as he should.

 

I take it you’re not expecting to publish this mentioning Halliburton and Bildeberg, or maybe you like being tailed everywhere by black SUV’s and have a hankering to spend a long time wearing an orange onesie?

 

Okay, you’ve lost me here. I’ve been an engineering consultant for 27 years; a chartered engineering for 19 and a company director for 7. To me, the behaviour of Carnes is just not credible given the situation that he is in, and the gravity of what this group is doing. And Buckman is grossly unprofessional, I don’t see how he could have reached the position he is in with that level of incompetence, the sheer lack of care and interest in what he’s doing.

 

So, the congressman agrees about the absurdity of the situation, that’s something, I suppose! I did enjoy the retro tone of the piece, placing it in a recent historical period, that was good, I thought. In the end, the farcical (as I saw it) behaviour of Carnes and Buckman turned me off (as noted), I didn’t manage to suspend my disbelief, which I think led to me not really caring. I also thought the punch line was a bit off. If Erin was so timid, would she be wise-cracking to a US Congressman?

 

I'm feeling a bit like a killjoy now, taking the piece too seriously, perhaps. It has a light tone and is very readable, the setting well established by reference to the names and technology of the time (which I know you are good at), but you just plain lost me in the middle. Still, I'm looking forward to your next submission, I continue to enjoy reading your work.

 

Referring to other comments, 1, from Mandamon, for reason noted, it was the believability that lost it for me – that’s the second time today I’ve disagreed with him!! Third time and it’s the end of the world, or the Candyman appears or something like that.