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Mark - 20/10/2014 - Equo Trilogy Part 1: Aldo, Chapters Six and Seven (L) (V)


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Good tension in the first part.  It's a little short on description, so I wasn't always sure what was going on, but it's got a good flow.

 

pg 6: "The two arrows were released with a single twang. They barely penetrated its thick hide, and slowed it not at all. Expected. "

--so why use them?

 

Mya makes several comments about her plate armor being too heavy and not useful.  I would think if she wore it all the time, she would be used to or have overcome the limitations by using different methods.

 

Where is Aldo while Mya is fighting the Alpha?  I was lost for part of both of these chapters as you don't give a lot of setting information.  You explain later how they got there, but by that time I already figured it out.  I'm not sure the timing works out exactly right between 

 

Overall, these two chapters were enjoyable.  Getting into Mya's head was a little strange.  I expected her to be a lot more confidant than she was, especially if she had been an Equo for twenty years.  Has she had an apprentice before?  I can't remember if you said.  In any case, she seems to fluctuate a lot between putting Aldo through too much, and then apologizing for it.  She seems less experienced than I would expect.

 

There were also a couple parts (as well as the note above about pg 6) where either Aldo or Mya thinks, "X is going to happen!" and then it happens.  It seemed redundant to me.  I was almost expecting something different to happen, just because you made a point about them anticipating the next action.

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Those are excellent points. I'll admit to these chapters being quite chaotic. They've gone through some editing which left a few inconsistencies behind, so thanks for pointing them out. 

 

I'm not sure if you are reacting negatively toward Mya's apparent weakness, but it was intentional. I'm trying to create contrast between how Aldo sees her - an indomitable, assured warrior, and how she really is - a human, with human fears.

 

I agree with your last point, they are redundant. I'll see if I can fix 'em.

 

As always, your critique is much appreciated. Thank you.  

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Yes, that was a negative toward Mya's weakness.  It's just my impressions, but she's described as very strong, she put Ranus in his place, she's been a Equo for twenty years, and the Equo seem to be universally respected and feared.

It's your story, so don't take this as me saying you have to change something.  It's just my reaction that from all these facts, I would expect a truly strong woman underneath.  I'm ready to be convinced why she has the failings you say, but at the moment, I don't have the evidence for it, so it came across as a departure from what I was reading.

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I'll spare you the disclaimer, since you've seen it enough by now.

A lot of action going on. On the whole, still enjoyed it, but the descriptions started to feel segmented from the rest of the text when Aldo was fighting the werewolf. I had no real image in my head of what it could possibly be, then settled on some kind of dog-like beast before the description fully came out when he was pinned. It felt (don't know if this was the case for sure) like you were trying to find a good point to get the description in, but it still felt a little awkward getting the descriptive paragraph in the middle of combat.

At first it felt a little strange that Aldo went full on terrified, because he's been stubborn, level headed, and different degrees of annoyed/angry so far, but being his first actual fight, I decided a little after it settled, that I actually liked the strong contrast of his usual demeanor to his fright in actual combat.

Mya's PoV was strange. I'm all for and prefer things coming across pretty differently when PoV's change, but Mya's complaints about heavy armor after earlier forcing it on Aldo saying that he'd need it, then the constant complaints about wearing it, it just felt a little /too/ different for me. I found myself unsure of how unreliable the narrator is (as in, dialogue and certain actions were misinterpreted in another PoV and portrayed to the reader as such) or if there's some other reason why Mya seems to dislike armor in her head, but with Aldo claims it's so necessary, rather than letting him work on being a more agile person (since it seems like she'd prefer to be more agile over the armor based on the thoughts we saw).

Now I like the part where she's concerned and afraid for Aldo's well-being internally, but doesn't show it externally. That works for me, but like Mandamon pointed out, especially with the arrow thing, with all of her experience and skills, why bother with something she knows isn't likely to work? It doesn't feel like she's really using all of her experience and it kind of feels, for me, like the narrative is making her act awkwardly to get across certain traits, such as werewolves being fast or durable.

Part of the thing I like about Mya up through this point is that she's been portrayed as a hard-chull 'I'm going to make you a badass Equo, Aldo'. The concerned and harsh swap back and forth so far hasn't been too bad in my opinion, because I've seen it as she pushes him until he thinks he hit his limit, then pushes him further until she feels he's at his real limit, then gives him a little slack before doing it again so she doesn't effectively 'break' him. When she says she'll start seriously training him, however, it feels weird, because that to me feels like it implies that she's been half-assing her job and has been a bit bitter towards him, despite originally seeming somewhat excited (in a sense) to train him.

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  • 2 months later...

The opening of the chapter has an almost dreamlike feel to it, decent description of the surroundings and the sunset. I didn’t follow the delay in describing the monster. He’s seeing it all that time that you’re calling the thing ‘it’, and yet we have to wait so long for a description, that felt off to me.

 

Also, Aldo’s reaction is utterly cowardly, he begs for his life, is that for real? For all that I think he’s an arrogant sod, he has at least shown a good deal of backbone, I wasn’t convinced by his sudden cowardice. Maybe I reacted like this because I didn’t know what he was fighting, it could have been a two foot chimp or a ten foot gorilla for all the description that we got. In my opinion, that fight could do with some work.

 

The chapter are very uneven in length. For my part, that’s not a big deal. It’s good to have a short section to read if you only have a small window of opportunity, but I wonder if some of these parts are really just sections of a bigger chapter?

 

I like the description of the first part of Mya’s fight with the werewolves, her knowing anticipation of their tactics, her satisfaction in ending the first one and her throwing her sword to kill the second. However, I don’t see any way that Mya can grow eight inches taller and still fit in her armour – impossible. I criticalled my Suspend Disbelief roll, though, so I can move on. Her ending the third werewolf is eye-wateringly gruesome – goodbye YA, hello NC-17!!

 

Okay, now here, I can accept the ‘f**k’ as being in context (are we allowed to cuss on this forum if it’s in context?). It’s isolated and I can see that it’s justified by Mya’s sudden realisation that her charge is in extreme peril.

 

I take it her first ‘vis’ has worn off when she invokes the second one?

 

I like the blood mixing in the dirt, even as I suspend disbelief that it has blue blood (that roll was 57, but my skill is 45, so I still made it).

 

It felt weird that the guy hails her and we never see him, but are told the outcome of their discussion in a sentence. Felt like a bit was missing.

 

Why does she even bother with bow then blade when she can torch the werewolf? Seems better tactics would have saved the ranger.

 

There seems to be a p.o.v. issue in the next scene. Whose viewpoint are we in, Aldo or Laurentius? If it’s Aldo’s he wouldn’t know the other man’s name and if it’s Laurentius’s he wouldn’t know Aldo’s feelings.

 

We know that Also didn’t kill the werewolf at night, is that a continuity issue or is he lying to Laurentius?

 

Cassio, really? I'm also a bit distracted by Rubumultis, which sounds like something Pooh would get when he’s hungry.

 

I think you could drop “Aldo ignored the last part” when Laurentius refers to Aldo’s father’s situation. The reader knows there’s a mystery there, I think you’re better giving the reader the credit for filling in the blanks. If you spoon-feed everything to the reader by hanging lanterns on all the clues, the reveal will feel less rewarding.

 

The cowardly, fat merchant is a real cliché – I know, my first book has one (sort of). Not that Laurentius is poorly written, just expected. He was some good lines though. I chuckled at him telling Mya not to blame herself.

 

Why is Mya’s horse in town? How did they get out here?

 

Aldo’s brashness and bravado takes a turn for the interesting here when he denies his terror at being attacked by the werewolf, as does Mya’s demeanour towards him, i.e. her concern for his mental state. I hope it’s not just a quick sidebar, that is some interesting territory, could get intriguing if he starts to bottle up his emotions – all this ‘show no fear’ stuff.

 

Hey, I'm up to date (with your story at least) - woo hoo!

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  • 1 month later...

No idea how I never saw your comment, Robinski (this is the one you made on chapters 6 and 7).

I made a small description stating that the clearing was cast into gloom, if I remember correctly. It was night, I probably should have been more clear about that. 

The description comes late because Aldo doesn't get a very good look at the werewolf. It comes out of nowhere, and tackles him. The fact that he didn't actually know what was attacking him for a portion of the fight was supposed to highlight the confusion, but I might have missed my mark a bit.

The cowardly part, well... I might have a different definition of 'cowardly' than you. If someone betrays their friends out of fear, or runs away in a fight, then I would say that they are cowardly. But Aldo is a sixteen-year-old kid, alone in the woods at night. He might have some backbone, but this situation hits a nerve with him. He's attacked out of nowhere by a monster, and he is terrified. I suppose it was my attempt to add some humanity to him, I didn't intend for him to come off as cowardly. 

The eight inches part I will give to you. And I don't like making my readers suspend their belief, so I'll be addressing that. I originally had it that the Equos had special armour, but I cut it because it was taking up too much time and it wasn't necessary. I might alter Vis somewhat - make it less about growing in size and more about increased muscle density. Also, out of curiosity, what RPs have you done? I've gotten into DnD 5E recently and it is excellent. 

YA was never in the cards, I don't think. I might be young myself, but I don't have to write for people my age. Brutal violence and swear words have their place. 

It is messed up that Laurentius hails her and then we don't see what happens in their conversation. Also Mya's logic in confronting the alpha is off, and the POV is confusing. All valid complaints. I am actually rewriting the first part of the novel as we speak. The chapter is getting a do-over, with all of your critiques kept in mind. Thank you. 

Cassio is a slip by me. I was reading Othello at the time and didn't even realise. Naming can be a pain. Also Rubumultis is just a bunch of Latin names jumbled together in google translate. 

Solid advice about not smacking readers over the head with things. 

Aldo makes a habit out of bottling up his feelings, don't worry, it isn't a sidebar. 

Also I'm so sorry that you're finally up to date and I'm restarting! I absolutely understand if you don't want to critique my new stuff. 

Thanks very much for your comments, they were very helpful.

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So...

 

The gloom thing, fair enough, I maybe didn't register that at the time.

 

I thought that was what you were going for, but I felt Aldo or even the narration would have registered some impression of the thing, like 'a dark furry shape' or something, whereas I don't remember as much as that - could be I've forgotten though, as it was a month ago!

 

I take your point about the cowardly comment. His reaction just seemed so at odds with his earlier behaviour. I get that this is him coming face to face with some proper, wild danger, not a seemingly more controlled bout, and I suppose I fell for his earlier bravado and didn't expect him to crumble quite so much. I guess I'm hoping to see this trauma as a lasting effect on him as we go forward, putting some doubt in him over his own invincibility - or lack of it.

 

The YA thing was just for the purposes of my wisecrack. I think there's always a temptation to start off thinking a young protagonist is aimed at youngsters, but I got over that pretty early on, for obvious reasons.

 

Being long in the tooth, I've played some old, old stuff - Runequest, Rolemaster, Powers & Perils, Aftermath, Pendragon, Ringworld RPG, Judge Dredd RPG, Bushido, the list goes on. It got to the point where my best bud and I just sit in a room and play free-form almost without a system. One of us leads the story playing all the NPCs in the usual way and the other is the PC, we'll use geography from Harn (Columbia Games) or some such, but all the NPCs and scenarios comes from the GM. It's really like playing out a novel actually, more than gaming. The only 'game' / character we still play (my friend's in my Tashal scenario) has been going for about 25 years, real time, and I've written up the first three chapters of a novel based on it. I've got 770 pages of handwritten notes (don't try this at home, kids).

 

Sorry, rambling there, but I blame you as you did ask!

 

Naming can be a pain, I agree, and it's a very personal thing. I quite like Rubumultis, it's unlike anything I can remember seeing before. I guess the key is the reader not being able to associate it with something else, if it an unusual name. Like, John would be okay (in the right setting) because it's universal, whereas Cassio can be associated with a particular other instance (or two).

 

Don't worry about the critiquing, I'll read anything, I guess the depth of comment might vary sometimes, but I'll get there!

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