April 9 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 11

[Asmodemon]

In this chapter Rosalin and Serissa find Lady Senna’s camp, but it might not be the haven the rumours claim it is.

[cjhuitt]

This is one of the chapters I've been looking forward to, with two of the main POV plot lines (hopefully) meeting up. Of course, by the end I don't feel like they're completely lined up yet.

While I thought the beginning of the chapter may be the correct place to start, I didn't think the prose right at the beginning drew me in. I think it was due to the passive voice at the start ("when it became clear that"), launching right into a description after that. I think that possibly just going right into the description might be best, although you might try an active voice right at the beginning and see if it helps.

There was a bit of (what I read as) a POV error when looking at the rations, where you have Serissa not wanting the group to notice her attention on the rations. Since the rest of this chapter is in Rosalin's POV (plus, a large chunk of the rest of the book), I assume that this was an oversight.

Likewise on Serissa, I thought her dialog at the beginning was a little awkward. After reading the chapter, I wonder if that was intentional? It might be meant to indicate that she's shading things to present them the way she wants to, which is an interesting idea, but the first time I read it I thought it just didn't have the polish of a lot of the other dialog. An example of this was "the stories of this place being a haven of peace", etc. Also, "might actually offer the safety the rumours imply".

Unless it is somehow important later, or you need to establish that Rosalin can get lost in the small ways of the city, I would suggest trimming the circumlocution to get in the camp from behind to a quick summary, instead of the showing that is there now.

We meet Dias (finally!), but from Rosalin's POV she doesn't know who he is. However, you use Dias' name in a speaker attribution right before he actually introduces himself, when Rosalin presumably wouldn't know who he was.

Rosen piped up again. It doesn't necessarily bode well for Rosalin, but I say hurray!

I continually liked Serissa less and less as the chapter went on, and (dialog quirks aside), it mostly started here when she was interacting with Dias. Assuming this was intended, good job.

Serissa asks Dias about the protector, identifying him as the man with the big bastard sword. Would common people in a city know about swords well enough to know the difference between types of swords?

I thought the description of the rules and what Dias does smelled a bit of an info dump, and not necessarily even one for our benefit, because we already knew a lot of what he was saying. I wonder if there is a way to shorten that section, or convey the same information without seeming repetitive?

The thing with the fly bothered me a bit also. Partly due to the image, but also partly because I wondered if they would really fixate on flies like that, and also partly because I thought that section could use a little more attention to the blocking.

I didn't understand what the squeezing of Dias' hand was supposed to show. Isn't Dias a child, and Rosalin (this Rosalin, anyway) closer to adult?

Skipping ahead a bit, I assume that Serissa staged being attacked by the people surrounding her? It's the only thing that makes sense to me, although the why of it isn't really conveyed. (I'm not complaining about the why -- I don't think Rosalin would necessarily understand either, and we're in her POV, and besides, I'm willing to wait a bit to find the answer to this question.) Assuming that is the case, it makes me like Serissa a lot less. I'm guessing this is your intention, so I can only say bravo for that. You've changed my mind about one of the secondary characters pretty completely in just a couple of chapters.

In fact, I'd say that this turn of events does in fact make me want to read more, in order to see Serissa get at least some comeuppance. Unfortunately, I'm losing a little bit of sympathy for Rosalin. She's in a horrible situation, and she's even doing something close to the best she can, I'll grant you that, but I'm starting to think she's a little too easily manipulated by Serissa, which makes me a little less sympathetic toward her. Also, while she has her goal of getting home, she doesn't seem to be actively pursuing it, or the ability to pursue it, beyond taking advantage of what fate puts in her way -- at least, since she got to the tavern.

Also, I have to assume that Rosen is perfectly happy with whatever Serissa is doing, or else he'd have pointed out the obvious manipulation going on. After all, if Rosalin knows enough from Rosen to know about the guard's positions at the gate, I would expect her to pick up the staged fight from him, or else have him inform her directly.