March 19 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 9

[Asmodemon]

It’s been a while since I last submitted. I’ve been doing some edits to the previous chapters based on the critiques I received, but lost a lot of time with computer problems and being sick. I’m looking forward to getting back into it.

In this chapter we find Black Rose in the Citadel of Thorns, recently occupied by the Imperium’s second army, led by general Orchid.

[cjhuitt]

This was a slow chapter for me to read, despite its relatively short length.

I suspect part of this may be how Black Rose is the POV character, but she doesn't have a goal or objective for most of the chapter. Instead, she's just standing around and observing things for the majority of it. Perhaps the things she observes will be important later; perhaps they are included more for immersion, I don't know. What I do know is that I was finding it hard to keep my interest in the story for the first half of the chapter. I thought it picked up and became more interesting when she got the mask back, and then the offer of command.

You might tie some of the previous stuff in a little more by having her debate whether she wanted to accept commands from someone who has that obvious of a lust for power (or knowledge, or whatever Black Rose interprets as the target of the General's look of desire). You might also try interspersing a little bit more of the activities of the general and the scholars with the conversation with Black Rose. Have the general multitask, as it were, unless it is far out of character for the general to do so.

The last part, with her trying to get up to the private area (now that she had her mask!) I enjoyed, especially with the ceiling collapsing, and the hint that it may not have been just an accident of old age. I hope that comes into play later, somehow.

I also hope a masked Black Rose is a more energetic, or at least active, character in the future chapters. It's been a good change so far in this one.