Robinski - Waifs and Strays - Submission 6 (LV) 2062 words

[Robinski]

[#6] I’ve revised the chapter titles so far, which means this one pops up again in the submission. I'm also toying with the idea of putting a date stamp in to mark the progression of days. I'm particularly interested in your reaction to that.

 

In the last submission, having escaped the inn and the kingsmen pursuing her, Covelle and Dyllis discussed their situation. She has learned that he is the estranged third son of the Duke of Lufmatho, whereas he now knows that casters use parts of themselves as catalysts for releasing or focusing magical energy.

 

Attention now reverts to Benam, who was taken into custody by the Duke’s Guard.

 

Thank you for reading - comments always very much appreciated.

 

Cheers, Robinski

Edited September 1, 2014 by Robinski

[CommandanteLemming]

I like the overall tone here, and on balance I think it's a good scene. 

 

I particularly like Benam's flashback. It was visceral and I felt it with him. That said, the placement of said flashback after the introductory action broke up the scene for me and felt out of place. I would consider placing the flashback either right at the beginning as a sort of dream sequence, or close to the beginning, right after we find Benam in his cell. I don't like the fact that it interrupts mid-scene after his dialoguer with Ghintor.

 

...speaking of which, I thought the exchange with Ghintor was the weakest part of the scene. It felt slow, I didn't understand what was going on or why I needed to see it, and I'm not sure it did much to move the plot along

 

As for the exchange with Ahma - I think that went very well and I like the interplay between these two hardened characters. Probably could use a little polishing but good on the whole. What I didn't necessarily like was the thought-quotes interspersed with a dialogue on the third page - for some reason that really threw me out of it and I had to go back and re-read it to straighten out who was talking and what Benam was referencing in his thoughts

 

I like it, I want more of it. I'm a lot more interested in Benam now than I was before. That said I miss Covelle and Dyllis, particularly Dyllis - but I know they will be back soon, and what's going on with Benam is just as important :-)

 

Looking forward to the next submission. 

[jParker]

This bit seems like it's full of potential--a gritty flashback to the spoils of victory, intrigue, and a bit of Benedick-Beatrice action. There's a lot that I could like about this chapter.

 

However, it feels very primitive. I don't know if you just have less time now than in the beginning, but this feels like it could stand a few more revisions. The bit with Nertin and Ghintor nearly lost me--I'm confused about who's doing what, the connections behind people getting involved--and while the flashback could be cool, I didn't nearly feel it. 

 

For comparison's sake, let's use the execution scene in the first Mistborn. There's a lot of description that revolts the readers; it's horrible and nauseating. Here, we see a little bit of that, the unpleasantness of death mixed with the blind pride of victory, but you could probably stand to linger. Really develop a feel for what it was like. For example, why use hanging instead of crucifixion? That way, the defeated linger and more people can get in on the gloating. 

 

I also agree with "the rest of the kingsmen". While it's great for intrigue--it definitely kept me tuned for next time--I had to go back and reread and search for it, which is something I dislike.

 

All in all, not bad, but I'd like to see it again after some revision.

[Robinski]

@CommandanteLemming: Thank you for those kind comments. It's very pleasing to hear that the characters are working for you and holding your interest.

 

I take your point about the 'thoughts' - I have a habit of trying stuff like that, and it doesn't often work (ever?). I like to think I would pick it up in the edit, but I thought it worked the first time, so thank you for flagging that, and the other points, which I have noted for the edit.

 

Covelle and Dyllis return in the next exciting(?) episode - it might be a longer one, I finished it a couple of days ago then realised I'd gone off down the wrong track and hadn't ended up where I needed to be - must concentrate and not let the characters wriggle out of the masterplan during the scene!!

 

Thanks again, very much appreciated.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Robinski

[Robinski]

@JP: thank you for sticking with it, much appreciated, and for your comments, which are always from an interesting perspective.

 

This section, like all the others, will get a good revision or three before it gets anywhere near being submitted anywhere for an alpha read so, all things being equal, there should be a goodly amount of polishing between now and then.

 

You're not the only one to comment on some of the interchange between characters in this submission, and that will all get a checkgoing forward.

 

I'm not averse to lingering in the execution scene, and will certainly try some embelishment there, but I'm not convinced about crucifixtion. The people are not intended to be inately cruel, although their worst tendencies come out. The purpose of the exercise is to execute the invaders, not to disrupt the capital excessively by reminding the people of how vulnerable they were for a period, which it could be argued seeing their attackers frequently would do.

 

I do take your point about the tracebility of the "rest of the kingsmen" comments. I'm going to go back and try to flag that a little better earlier. Obviously, it occurs back at the Crowded Inn, and I don't want to spoil the reveal, but it needs to be a realisation, not a point of confusion or read-back, which is not good, I agree.

 

So glad that you are interested to read more. There is more action to come, and no flash backs, in the next chapter - action in real time (gasp!).

 

Thanks again for reading.