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20140728 - andyk - Communication (DLS)


andyk

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Something different from my other recent efforts, both in tone and content. A science fiction story which comes with content warnings for everything except violence.

 

'Communication' is just a working title. And by 'working title' I mean the title I quickly came up with to send it around the group - until then it had merely been folder sf49 in my uber-folder of writing projects. So if you have an idea for a title for this please share it - I could do with something better.

 

Other than that, all feedback welcome.

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A very cool story. This is the kind of thing I saw a lot in the slush pile, and while I try not to dictate the length of these things: I think it's a bit too short. The ending element of caffeine and the character dynamics are worth fleshing out. It's not even a criticism, really, I just want more.

 

I also was expecting some symbolism between his boss using his full name/last name, and him not being himself, so I wasn't sure where you were going with "You call me Mr. Atticus".

 

There are so many places you could go with it. The caffeine, the dynamic, the desire of the slug itself. As is, it's a tad on the short side--just enough to convey its idea and get out--which always makes me sad. The protag deviates from his role too quickly for me to care what it is, and his boss is in and out of the story because of its length, so I wasn't really sure what job was being done here. 

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I haven't seen many pieces dealing with playing a host--I like the switch.  Overall, this is good, and captures the attention.  It's different.

 

I agree with Jagabond on the length, or at least the content.  I thought the reveal at the end didn't have enough punch.  We don't really get any contact with the alien, so we can't get any hint of what it's going through.  Then Julian figures out the problem in a paragraph or so, and has the solution (and the solution to the peace talks).  I'd like to see more of the interaction and realization between Julian and the alien.

 

As to title, I'd pick something dealing with both the alien's and Julian's problems with being alone, and how they deal with their issues...and...I can't think of anything good off the top of my head.

Edited by Mandamon
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The others have kind of touched on what I felt: the brevity (not in a good way) and the lack of connection with Julian. The story feels like a really good skeleton, but hasn't got quite enough flesh on it for my liking. Granted, I'm really picky.

 

I really liked the characters, what little we saw of them, and the idea of playing a host, especially with the success of The Host could be a really interesting(read: marketable) story. One other thing that bugged me was that we're just told what we should be feeling, rather than how Julian feels it (e.g. "The sight was stomach-churning") and that kind of breaks my immersion. Not a huge thing, but that early into an already short-story and the balance starts to go.

 

Regardless, a good draft.

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I think this is an excellent story. We dive straight into the situation, but the set-up is so neat that it feels like we’ve read a hundred pages and arrived at this point (in a good way). The characters are clear, there’s loads of conflict, even though we only hear about a lot of the events, there feel real because we experience the immediately after affects. There is even a rather touching and convincing romance in there, all in six pages.

 

I think this is some very accomplished writing. I would have said ‘Fire in the Blood’ was your best writing that I’ve read, but this – albeit a different form – is so tight in its plotting that it elevates it above that. I love the noir tone, and yet it stills feels futuristic. You present aliens as fact, but make them convincing with only hints about their nature, only enough to make the story work, which after all is all that’s needed.

 

Actually, I feel disappointed that there isn’t more. Not that I would wish for anything in this story to be changed, but Julian is a good character, with a good premise. Have you thought of writing any more of his exploits? And whatever anyone says (not read the other comments yet), don’t change the slightly rude and bawdy style, it’s spot on.

 

There are some minor detailed points noted below, but a line edit would mop those up. My significant problem is I don’t buy that what has passed and what the alien has experienced would bring the war to an end, then again, I don’t think you need to end that way.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

I kind of agree with the others about wanting more, but I'm hesitant as to where would lengthen the story. I think you would need to be cautious about that.

 

Titles? If it’s titles you want, that’s one of my favourite parts (not saying I'm any good at them though...)

 

  • Mr. Atticus has a Bad Day
  • Three’s Company
  • Negotiations and Love Songs (oh, that’s been done)
  • Communication Breakdown
  • Where Was I?
  • Entente Cordial
  • Peace Talks
  • My Body and Me
  • Ménage a Trois
  • Freeloader

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Page 1 – Wow, that was a great opening. There were at least two conflicts there, it was all very immediate, like jumping into the middle of a story, and yet enough was revealed in passing statements to indicate the situation in general terms. This felt like a very accomplished opening page.

 

Page 2 – It’s a very interesting concept, the parasite as conduit for the Veng consciousness, simple yet elegant and, I think, novel – although I am not the most widely read contributor on RE, I'm sure.

 

Page 2 – I am really enjoying this. It’s an interesting premise, a very simple set up, and the writing flows very nicely. I like that it has an edge to it, I think that’s important. People swear and talk about sex, so if a story can reflect that in a realistic way it definitely adds authenticity. Plus, “losing self-will mid-wank” is my favourite phrase of the year!

 

Page 2 – “The damned slug hadn’t bothered getting undressed” – This line made me think. I would imagine that Julian would still think of himself as himself, in that, when he is controlled by the Veng it is him being controlled by another, as opposed to him ceasing to exist. My point being, I wonder if he wouldn’t think in terms of “The damned slug hadn’t bothered to undress him.” I mean, it’s not really a body swap – is it? His consciousness is not inside the Veng... or is it? I am really enjoying this.

 

Page 3 – I don’t quite understand what’s intended by the section... “ ‘She called you Mister Atticus.’ ‘You call me Mister Atticus.’ ‘But I think it’s a nice name.’ ” – Is Hannah implying that it must be important because Canning called him Mr. Atticus? I don’t think it’s clear. Also, does he leave Hannah in the room or does she leave before he does?

 

Page 3 – “...was stood by the window...” – standing?

 

Page 3 – “It’s almost as if the Veng didn’t want peace” – why the past tense?

 

Page 4 – “Was my parasite getting lucky behind my back?” – There are some beautifully noir-ish quips running through this, I do like the tone.

 

Page 5 – “Someone was having a great time, and they were using my body to do it.” – New best line of the year!

 

Page 5 – “...and took used the moment to take control” – Suggestion, to avoid the doubling up of ‘take’.

 

Page 6 – “I nodded, sipped at my tea.” – Laugh-out-loud funny!!

 

Page 6 – “It’ll be so relieved we’ll have peace within days.” and “After that experience, they won’t want what we’ve got.” – I'm struggling with this leap. A whole alien race is going to turn tale and abandon an inter-planetary war because one of its number (okay, a hive mind, but still) got pissed, did reefer and got his (albeit borrowed) end away? In relation to the second line, I'm presuming they weren’t fighting the war because they wanted our distilleries, or ganja and our women, I assumed that they would have wanted to annexe Earth, eat us all and use the planet to ease their overcrowding, or some such loftier aims.

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Thanks folks, lots of useful feedback as always. It's very encouraging that you had such positive things to say, as I was very wary about whether this one was any good or not.

 

In answer to Robinski's query about writing more of Julian's exploits, this is actually the second story I've written about him. The first, Our Man in Herrje, was published in Jupiter five years ago, so I've been neglecting this character for a long time. If anyone wants to read that story let me know and I'll send you a copy.

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I'm not a publisher, but I would have thought that 'Communication' (or Insert snappier title here) would be very publishable. Have you submitted it before? It's not something I've ever tried, because I've never had the confidence in any of my stories (and from what I've learned from WE, I'm right!), but it strikes me that this is exactly the sort of snappy, quickfire, edgy story with a clear and satisfying arc that would be in demand for anthologies. Jagabond is the man with the inside knowledge though - what do I know!

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I'm not a publisher, but I would have thought that 'Communication' (or Insert snappier title here) would be very publishable. Have you submitted it before? It's not something I've ever tried, because I've never had the confidence in any of my stories (and from what I've learned from WE, I'm right!), but it strikes me that this is exactly the sort of snappy, quickfire, edgy story with a clear and satisfying arc that would be in demand for anthologies. Jagabond is the man with the inside knowledge though - what do I know!

 

I haven't submitted this story yet - the stuff I send around RE is usually in the 'I'm still working on it' stage. But I have a specific market in mind for this one, and have high hopes based on the feedback I've had here.

 

It really is worth getting the courage together to send short stories out. While there aren't a huge number of venues that pay professional rates there are a lot of magazines, webpages and anthologies out there, and getting stories published has been a huge confidence boost for me once I got past that initially hurdle. Plus it's helped me get over my fear of having writing rejected - at an acceptance rate around one in twenty, I've spent a lot of time licking my wounds and revising!

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Yay. Finally got to read this!

 

I really enjoyed this, though I did have one major problem... and that was it felt WAY too easy that the guy put up a minor quibble about being forced to be a host, and then sort of shrugged his shoulders and did it anyway.  Especially where this was clearly not his job. I felt like a more human reaction would be to fight like a wildman, and pretty much only give in to doing it if absolutely forced. (Perhaps Warren steps in here.) Then, I would expect him to be looking for EVERY opportunity to down some coffee, and there would be an almost continual struggle to keep him from doing that.

To me, that sets up a much more believable conflict, and also would add a lot of interest to the story. Imagine how hard it would be to keep someone from getting their hands on caffeine?

I also had an issue with the change of scenery in the conference room in the latter part of the story, but I'll let you read those comments down below.

Like others, it felt a little quick. I think that is part of what plays into my concerns about his acceptance of the problem, and the conflict between him and the alien is nearly as brief, and him managing to vomit the thing out felt equally too quick and easy.  I bet much of my concerns would be fixed by just allowing us to see a longer run of many of the issues you are dealing with.

I still loved the story, those are the major points where I got hung up. Some specific comments below:

---------

"Thea Canning peered at me across her glasses. The British ambassador in Herrje was used to arguing with alien species , not her own staff."
The 'arguing with alien species' bit was so cool. It gave me so much about the setting with very little effot. This kind of subtle, effective, writing is the kind of thing we all strive for, and you pull it off so effortlessly.

---------

‘So open wide and swallow the Veng emissary.’
‘This isn’t fair!’ Even I was embarrassed by my petulance.
Minor point here, but this threw me for a moment because of the break in the line. I assumed the boss was speaking on 'This isn't fair!', but that obviously would be a little weird.

---------

"I gave Canning one last hopeless, pleading look, then tipped my head back and dropped the Veng into my mouth . "
I found it pretty surprising that he whined about this and then just did it. I would NEVER have done it, and I would have been far worse in my complaints. I’d have told her to ram it and left.  Somehow it feels too easy that this went this way.

---------

", then almost vomited as it wriggled down my throat and into my belly ."
This might be too specific. It raised the question (to me) of how the thing deals with stomach acid. You may have a reason why it can, but it might be best not to make the reader ask it unless you want to explain it.

---------

"No idea.’ I reached on instinct for the coffee pot in the middle of the table, then remembered the sacrifices I was making. That one stung right now . "
Because I didn’t feel like he fought very hard, I find it hard to swallow the things he is not doing as “sacrifices”. They more feel to me like he’s a wuss and needs to stand up for himself.

---------

"Canning, as well as my boss , was a smart lady who could read between the lines ."
For a moment, I thought you were implying that Canning was someone other than her boss. On re-read I get it, but it threw me.
Also... If she can read between the lines and his assistant is being openly concerned for him, I would think she would have already picked up on the personal interest.  Possibly the character is not putting this together, but …

"– carefully avoiding any trace of caffeine  "
Every time this comes up I feel more like you need to sell me harder on his giving up in the beginning.

---------

"but the thought of losing self-will mid-wank was just too embarrassing ."
I want to say this is whiny or too passive. I was expecting more of a “Oh no way. This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules that.” Kind of thing. Might just be the character, and it probably fits into his earlier too-easy acceptance of this, but I had a hard time with it.

---------

"The digits on the inside of my contact lens  "
Nice setting element here.

---------

‘Can I shower first?’
‘She called you Mister Atticus.’
‘You call me Mister Atticus.’
‘But I think it’s a nice name.’
This was great, and beautifully foreshadowed so I caught all the implications flying around.

---------

"When I got to that bleak, minimalist room , the ambassador was stood by the window, looking out across the skyline of Herrje. It was a spectacularly eclectic sight, human skyscrapers standing amidst the vaulted arches of the shoji sector , low groundling domes running up against the battered blocks of the k’kiri markets. I might get frustrated at this place, angry even, but I never got bored."

This is a SEVERELY different setting than we had previously. Before I imagined the dark, oppressive conference room... no visibility outside... just looking back on his reflection. It was such a wonderful setting for the oppressive, trapped nature of his predicament. It seems like the predicament hasn't improved, and yet the setting is now bright, expansive and open.  Also, the bleak statement you make doesn't fit in with the rest of the description ... for me, anyway.

---------

"My stomach sank with me down into a chair. "

I see what you’re trying here and I like it, but I don’t think it quite worked. My literal mind said “Well, of course it did. As did, his chest, his legs, his head…”

---------

"‘Maybe they don’t.’ It was a dark idea, but I was in a dark place ,"

This would work so much better if he was literally in a dark place.

---------

"‘How sexually active are you Atticus?’ He looked up from the readout with a grin. "

I would reverse the action and the spoken words here, as I didn’t realize it was him speaking until the second part.

---------

"Someone was having a great time, and they were using my body to do it. "
Awesome. Loved this.

---------

"‘Separation from the hive mind took away all its pleasure,’  "

I got the impression he could read it’s emotions and not it’s specific thoughts. This strikes me as a specific thought.

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This is the problem with getting to things late, as I am unfortunately doing this week. Most everything I would have said has been said multiple times. 

 

I loved this story. It was quick, fun, and I thought quite clever. Admittedly, I don't read much in the way of science fiction, so I don't know where this falls in terms of originality. I also find myself not caring about how original it may or may not be, simply because I enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

I agree with what others have said - while I enjoyed how short it was, I wanted a bit more. Many of the character dynamics could have been fleshed out more without sacrificing the brevity or the pacing. In particular, and I don't know if anyone agrees with this, I wanted more of the dynamic between Hannah and Julian. 

 

Aside from that, there were some instances where the wording itself was a little awkward, or could have been punched up a bit. For example:

 

‘Mister Atticus, you speak thirteen languages and have spent time with a score of different races.

 

This sentence got clunky for me at 'spent time with a score of different races.' I minor thing, but it disrupted the flow for me. It happens every so often throughout, enough that I felt it worthy of mention. 

 

I normally don't comment on sentence-level things unless they completely knock me out, so take this as me basically saying there isn't much I can find negative about this. The arc was smooth, the characters were strong, and the overall plot was a joy to see unfold.

 

That's about all I have for specifics; everything else has been addressed quite well by others. And the story your mentioned before, Our Man in Herrje -- I would not mind taking a look at that one. :D

 

Very nice work.

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It really is worth getting the courage together to send short stories out. While there aren't a huge number of venues that pay professional rates there are a lot of magazines, webpages and anthologies out there, and getting stories published has been a huge confidence boost for me once I got past that initially hurdle. Plus it's helped me get over my fear of having writing rejected - at an acceptance rate around one in twenty, I've spent a lot of time licking my wounds and revising!

Out of curiosity, where are you published?  I haven't done a lot of short stories as mine tend to get lengthy, but if you have some good sites accepting submissions, I might try submitting some of the ones I've done (or writing more).

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Out of curiosity, where are you published?  I haven't done a lot of short stories as mine tend to get lengthy, but if you have some good sites accepting submissions, I might try submitting some of the ones I've done (or writing more).

 

Yeah, what he said.

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Thanks for the further feedback folks - I'll take it all on board doing rewrites this week.

 

Shivertongue - I find that 'score of different races' bit clunky too, and I wrote the damnation sentence. Will have to refine it some more. Also, I'll find your email address off one your RE submissions and email you the previous story.

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Out of curiosity, where are you published?  I haven't done a lot of short stories as mine tend to get lengthy, but if you have some good sites accepting submissions, I might try submitting some of the ones I've done (or writing more).

 

OK, so, more for bragging purposes than anything else, you can read a list of the places I've been published (some of them now defunct) here:

http://andrewknighton.com/publications/

 

I'll start a separate thread about where to find places to submit, so people who aren't following this can find it.

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