Nov 7 - Yados - Black Magic, Blacker Deeds: Prologue (New) [G]

[Yados]

I feel this prologue and the magic system itself might qualify for a trigger warning for cutting. I didn't mean to make those bits graphic (and I don't think they are), but it never hurts to be safe.

I think this prologue does some context work that my first prologue didn't and sets up some back story that I won't have to explain much later. Hopefully.

It's a prologue, so I won't summarize the other chapters here. Though I'll include a summary of this chapter 3 on.

[Asmodemon]

I haven’t read the previous prologue, so I’m coming at this fresh. You say the prologue or parts of it are up for cutting. Since I haven’t read the other chapters yet I don’t know how this prologue fits in, so I’ll refrain from judgement on cutting the whole. I will say that, in terms of things happening, you used a lot of words to describe the events. So you might want to consider trimming it in light of how long the whole book becomes. Mostly I liked this prologue, I found Coil to be a likeable character and the events leading up to the end of the chapter caught my interest.

There were some parts that didn’t work so well, in part because there was some clunky prose with run-on sentences throughout the prologue, but also because some things didn’t make much sense. Take the last sentence of the first paragraph. I wouldn’t call the collapse of a house an anti-climax, even if the previous events showed more force and violence. At the least a collapsing house will sent dust and debris around, and if there are multiple collapses that is only going to be worse. Hardly an anti-climax. If I’d make a suggestion I’d rework it into the following: “Ages old houses toppled, segments of their foundation rose ten feet in an instant with a thunderous crack before collapsing.”

Another really long sentence is “Blood rushed to his head immediately as he stood and the pains of being trampled dug into his flesh in a flurry of more distinct pains than Coil had thought himself capable of feeling at once.” I know what you're trying to say, but the way the sentence goes on dilutes the point you're trying to make. Also, the whole section this sentence is in is one where I had to pause for a moment. Coil is on the ground while a mass of people is fleeing. He’s being trampled and while you write that he’s in pain I don’t see it stick around for very long. I also expect him to be more hurt or even to die in such a situation. Or am I reading this wrong and is the stampede I’m imagining only a handful of people?

I liked the magic system, using blood as a catalyst and tying man to sword, but with the first mention of the red mage cutting a vein I didn’t immediately recognize as him cutting himself. First I thought he was cutting open a different body and wondered why you didn’t make mention of this. When in the next paragraph you start mentioning bodies I thought the timing of mentioning those bodies was off, but that he was using them instead of himself. I mean, it’s not normal to go cutting into yourself and when you say that he opened a vein I’m expecting a massive flow of blood – that’s the imagery I get from opening veins instead of making a shallow cut in, say, a finger. Yet the blood flow doesn’t happen.

In the last part when you’ve got both Black Hands and the red mage I was at times confused who was speaking or who was being mentioned as you started to use both magician and conjurer interchangeably for both the mage characters.

The ending was a good climax and a nice way to show Coil’s character growth and resolve in the face of danger, he’s not dropping his sword. I’m looking forward to reading more of this.

[cjhuitt]

I though this prologue was overall much more clear than the previous one. I also think it does a decent job of setting things up and getting interest in the story, as well as hinting (I assume it's just hints) at what sort of magic there is available.

My biggest problem is likely a good one to have: I liked Coil, and from having read the next couple of chapters already, I have my doubts that Coil will end up in the story much, which seems a shame. I thought you did good in showing a nice small character arc for him in the prologue, and I wanted to see what happens next with him (assuming he does survive against whatever it is behind the door).

If you would like some more suggestions, I would echo Asmodemon in the suggestion to trim and clarify the individual sentences. I thought that the section about Coil's trip outside the city was mostly extraneous and could be cut back considerably. I thought that it would be nice to get a bit more description of Surr from Coil's perspective, since we don't get a lot in the first couple of chapters so far. Maybe also some hints or explanations on some of the terms (such as stompman) and obligations as they play into the prologue, unless you think they'd be too distracting for the eventual story. (Not having read the whole thing makes this slightly more difficult, but that's part of the problem with nearly everybody's submissions now that I think on it.)

I thought it was unrealistic for Coil to survive being trampled without something else preventing him from becoming too injured -- or perhaps in the confusion it only felt like he was trampled, when in the end he was in an out-of-the-way cranny. I thought Bantam's lines weren't as believable as the words from Coil, Surr, or Till, though his behavior seemed fine.

One more suggestion, depending on the tone you want to have for the prologue and the book, you could probably emphasize some of the horror elements in this one pretty effectively. The confusion and chaos around Coil in the beginning, followed by the overconfidence instilled from the magic and his blade, then noticing the black slimy substances, and finally seeing the black lines running from Till to the door, followed by a nightmare creature... it could be fun to try. On the other hand, the other chapters I read had more of a lighter, fun feel to them so far. If the tone later in the book is more along the lines of horror, you could use the prologue to establish this. If not, unless you want the contrast, you probably don't want to play up the horror here. I just thought there was potential you should at least think about.

[Yados]

Wow, awesome! Two critiques in one night.

AND

Conincidently, I'm rewriting this prologue *right* now for my final portfolio.

Yeah, I'm cutting down the language and adding specifics, etc. I've moved some of the sequence of events around so that it's Coil who gets Surr and then brings him to Bantam. I lessen the trampling too. When I was writing this, I had it in my mind that it would be more like a normal epic fantasy book with the more traditonal protagonist, etc, only to turn away from that. But it did turn out more horror at the end and I think all my "traditional" attempts got me was verbosity and more narrative distance than I'm comfortable with.

Fixing that.

I'll email the revised version when it's finished, though.

Thank you so much for the feedback and input.

[KateJ]

Hi, I'm new to this group so hope you find my feedback useful.

First off: you've got some very detailed settings. I can feel you've spent time on worldbuilding and know a lot about the world. Makes things feel really solid.

Second, I liked the prologue a lot more than the first chapter. Unfortunately some of what you did in the prologue set me up to not like Till. I like Coil a lot more. That said: if Coil is not the main character or a main character, cut out the trip outside the city and his mother's death. If it's setting up a character arc, maybe edit it some.

Here's notes I made while I was reading through the first time:

"everlasting walls" - we are introduced to them collapsing. If "everlasting" is a name and not a description, make that clear, because right now it just jerks me out of the story.

Adjectives and adverbs. - "deep groans of shattering earth and the pithy shrieks of panicking civilians, Coil could barely make out the sound of ringing steel". In other places you'll use them two deep - you said someone had a "steady, limping" gait and even on top of the imagery there not working, that's too many descriptors. Try to keep to one adjective or adverb per sentence, two in your long ones. This forces you to consider which of them is the most important and actually adds depth and realism.

"Coil the tasted sweat and musk of a stranger." - typos. You've got a few. Not excessive, but try reading your work aloud and seeing if that makes it easy to spot.

"“Evacuation,” Coil wheezed to no one in particular, his orders not escaping him" - he doesn't wheeze to no one in particular. Either there are people around him he's sort of talking at, or he's talking to himself

"Well," he said to himself as he took his first, uneasy step towards the hold of the red magician, "that was easier than expected." - I'm very confused here, really. Are you evoking an unexpected disaster, or a predicted one? Why was it "easier than expected"? This phrase really doesn't seem to connect with the previous vivid scene. Kind of drew me out of the narrative

Emotional impact of the memory of Coil's mother's death is weak. I think it's because you build up him accepting his own death and then save him and kill his mother. Perhaps don't mention right now that she died, and use it later as a surprise?

"beard that always seemed to need a sword taken to it" - the imagery here is weird. I can't see trimming a beard with a sword. A knife, perhaps, but a sword?

For some reason I had trouble keeping Till and Surr straight. To me those names are too similarly constructed. It got easier when Surr went away but still, find a stronger way to set Till apart and make it clear how important he is to the story. Also, briefly I thought Ayami was Surr's wife and could not figure out why she was there. It's good that you got across how important she was to both men - assuming that matters later.

I really have no clue what Till thought he was doing, what he actually did, and how evil he is. He's coming across as evil, by the way, self serving and superior, so if that's what you want then you did great.

"But then, they didn't come to Till because of his professionalism. They came because he was the best. “That's why they come to me.”" - It kind of weakens the thought to repeat it, to have it both in the narration and the dialogue

The rest of the scene with the merchant works but it's a big letdown after the prologue. Necessarily so! You had great tension and imagery in the prologue. Till is coming across fairly petty here. Is that the intention?

I hope you have a sympathetic viewpoint like Coil to bring back for the reader - I'd get weary of Till's viewpoint after a while and need a break.

Oh - by the way. You do a marvelous job of staying in the head of your POV character. Great job there - the voice is different between Till and Coil, they see the world in different ways, and you stayed with one the whole way through a scene. Very nice job.

[ACharles78]

Yados,

KateJ actually stole a lot of what I was going to say in my critique, at least with the adjectives/adverbs being overused in one sentence, the run ons and what not. Let me preface this by saying you wrote a pretty good prologue. I’m new to this story, so I don’t know any of your character’s back story or any of that, but if you do intend on having Till as the main protagonist, you may want to build our sympathies for him and make him a little less antagonistic. I really preferred Coil’s pov, and when you switched to Till’s, I found myself less drawn to him and actually got bored with the story.

Some things you did that I think worked:

-The blood magic system is very unique, but I think the writing gave me unwarranted confusion. KateJ already mentioned this, but I was sure the Red Magician was cutting himself instead of another body. I’d suggest making things like that clearer. And also, don’t be afraid to elaborate on how the blood system works. The 3 doors is a very interesting concept, and the suspense of one of them collapsing near the end of the prologue was a good way to crank up the tension.

-Coil is the most well drawn character, although I think the death of his mother isn’t even needed as a flashback. I’m part of the group that hates flashbacks, I never try to use them and I would simply convey this scene in part of the narration at a later time. If its not integral to the then and now of the events of the moving story, don’t bother mentioning it.

Some things that need some work:

-The biggest glaring problem I have in this story is the dialogue. It was frustrating to me because the characters feel like they’re not getting their thoughts across to me. A few times it just felt like they were saying things at random. Also, there is a clunkiness and a fluidity missing to it. For example:

"What happened?" Coil asked his superior officer.

“This is an evil place,” Bantam replied simply and spat.

Someone wouldn’t say “this is an evil place” without then explaining why its an evil place. If you let the character narrate why its an evil place, you don’t have to do the work it in the narration. It feels like he would elaborate and he just doesn’t for some reason, and a lot of their dialogue felt like that.

The dialogue should move the story forward, and here, I don’t think it does that (not till the end of the prologue at least). When you added Till, and Surr and Black Hands to the mix, I didn’t even know who was saying what at certain times. The easiest way to avoid this is just say who said what. Chapter 1 begins to have the characters doing more with the dialogue, but I feel like you used the said bookisms a little too frequently. “Bantam spat” is just used too often. I literally thought he was spitting after everything he said.

-Chapter 1 just drags. I hate to say this but I found myself bored after the prologue was over. Its part of the reason why I don’t really like prologues at all (in any book), because they tend to make the burden of keeping the reader’s attention engaged in chapter 1 even bigger. This also may be in part because I didn’t exactly understand what it is Till does. I reread it a few times and think that with a few look overs, you can make it a little clearer.

I hope this is helpful. 

[Skyhunter Commander]

I'm getting to this fairly late, and as such most of what I would say has been said already, but I'll try to find some new comments.

I read the original prologue first, to get a sense of the difference between it and the revised version.

The new prologue definitely flows better, and we get more involved with the viewpoint character which, while good, can be irritating (as has been mentioned already) if Coil is not going to be a viewpoint throughout the book. Also, I felt that despite the issues with the old prologue, it gave more information about the magic system which I missed in the new one.

Hope this is at least somewhat useful, it's been a while since I had time to comment on anything, and I've never felt that I was particularly good at it.