RedBeardRaven

Thank you for having another awesome contest for this!

Cynic and cjhuitt- I appreciate your comments! Thank you. This story was more(or less) meant to follow a guide of purple prose. This was not designated by anyone besides myself. When I sat down and started writing (without planning) I felt good about the flow of how the first couple of paragraphs came out. From there I just continued with it taking it for fun and just writing without going back to nit pick at anything unless I could change it to something more fluid. @cjhuitt - The way that I wrote this was more of a flash through (and with) Tronno as he lived his life. I skipped the majority of the boring parts and kept to the things that his brother did better than him. That or the falling outs that he had. I apologize if it was a bit confusing. Thank you both for your insight!

Thank you! I am glad to hear that the characters are more likable than my previous story. I too agree that a twist ending is generally a bad idea (after writing this and coming back to read it.. ackh) After reading and thinking about it for a while I feel that the best way to add a twist like this is not in the end but rather in the middle of a story. Yay for learning! As for the concept of it, I am going to be answering that below. But I agree if the butterfly effect is real in regard to time travel and the like then it should only be used for a good purpose. Thank you for your comments! I agree, after having the obvious being pointed out to me, that the plot holes are glaring. A slight sore spot on my writing in which I hope to be more concise with my stories in the future. About figuring out something was up; I tried to be very subtle with the foreshadowing which might have been more annoying than interesting. That might have led you further off the story with worse story telling. I apologize about this. Thank you for your input on a possible correction to this. You are correct that Lizzy was terminally ill and so was Richard. They both were "chosen" for the game of it by the players and Lizzy was meant to die the same day. (Which I failed to include in the ending and creating further issues.) The story about the husband and child were just a lie told to Lizzy because Peiterre was a novice at the "game". My main consideration with this piece of work is that; I wondered what would happen if there truly was not significant change in the future if something like this happened. What if there was no true butterfly effect caused from a single change in the past? A part of me has always thought about altering something in the past was relative only to those who traveled back then. (The Dark Tower has a similar idea) What if a change in history occurred and the only thing that changes is the memory of the instance? What if the people in the future were in the altered future already regardless of the change? I figured that humans always have a mischievous side to them that would lead to similar activity like the one depicted in the story. Some sort of tampering/teasing of lives, potentially killing off those who were already dying in order to give them (the dying) or the user(the person from the future) the thrill of it. I might revisit this with what everyone has said and I truly appreciate the time that all of you have taken to just read my story, let alone comment on it for my personal growth. Thank you!

This took a while... but. On the twelth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 1 World-singer in the Cosmere 2 Mistborn 3 BioChroma Breaths 4 Mistings a scheming 5 Diamond Gemstones 6 Shardblades a slashing 7 Returned Awakening 8 Allomatic Metals 9 Koloss afronting 10 Hearalds Oathpacting 11 Kandra under contract 12 Aons a casting

Awesome! Thanks for this!

The train fight I enjoyed quite a bit. It was a perfect scene to solidify the setting into a western/industrial revolution feel. Mistborn style of course. I love the idea of compounding so that made Miles even more enjoyable since every time he got hit I kept imagining T1000 and the wounds closing themselves back up.

I would enjoy another book from John's perspective. Although, I feel that it wouldn't be the same as John is changing into an emotional person. For me, if the next book would not follow this arch then it would feel as a betrayal to the last book. John would have to then be confronted with his dark thoughts and rationalizing them while also sifting through new emotions. There wouldn't be so much Mr. Monster business going on or if there was then over 2/3 of the book would end up being all internal. This would be on top of the awkward situation that Brooke and John would be placed into. But this does bring up an interesting idea. Brooke has this new found knowledge and first hand experience with the demons. Having her accompany John who would probably be some sort of traveling mortician/pathologist for/with the FBI would be nice because of our knowledge of how John's mind works and seeing it from the third person. Plus the difference of John/Brooke being on the offensive (leaving town and acting in new locations) while having the backing of a federal agency. All of this could make for another type of horror/suspense story coming from Brooke's perspective in the Cleaver Universe.

Well, I just finished IDWTKU and I wanted the Marci situation to work out more than the Brooke situation. The main reason for this is because she brought out the person inside of him. The human aspect that he had been lacking. The moment that they shared at the home coming dance was what triggered this, in my opinion. At that moment the seed of love blossomed and was a correlation to the desire to be connected to someone. Just like when he had the connection with his mom in the kitchen. My main issue is that it is hard to say what would have happened if Marci did not die. Would he have kept growing as an emotional attached person or would he have stayed at arms length (after killing Nobody) with the world. Would Marci have left him if she found out his dark side? I honestly do not think she would have because of all the times that they had spent together there was the hint of his dark self still there. She seemed to accept that and possibly even understood it better than Brooke had. I felt Brooke was only testing the waters with John. They were both young and in high school and they lived close to each other in a small town. He was the odd man out in school and that alone could have piqued her interest. We really did not get to know Brooke well before she left John. Her decision is understandable but the way that she just left showed me that she would rather run from a situation than confront it. John was the other type of person (obviously) and he only seemed infatuated with her because of her "perfection". Marci felt more real than Brooke and I would take that any day of the week over perceived "perfection".

I see. Thank you CrazyRioter and Chaos. I just read the first chapter of Liar and it appears that my theory collapsed on it's face. Side note, the "More samples" link does not link to anything now. Chaos, you are correct that the author does not indicate that they were there at the shattering of Adonalsium. It only suggests that the author was alive at the time. Well then. Do we know what the element is then? That has been bugging me since I read it.

One thing came to mind after re-reading The Letter today. We know a few things about the Author of The Letter. The Author: Was alive when Adonalsium broke Was a friend of the recipient Is holding an "element" and is "protecting it's safety like they would their own skin" Is being chased by someone(s) who are potentially The Seventeenth Shard Set a false trail for their pursuers to follow Is angry at Rayse and Bavadin for some reason Is arrogant Is potentially trying to stop Rayse, maybe Bavadin too A part of me wants to believe that there was a messenger delivering The Letter. This could be the false trail that the author states in the letter. The messenger could be going to the recipient and taking the pursuers there to have the recipient be confronted to take action in one way or another. We believe that Adonalsium was broken in the Dragonsteel book(s?) and that there was an original Hoid there. We also know that the Hoid that is traveling through the Cosmere now was given the title by the original Hoid. I am not certain but this could of happened during the same time as the breaking of Adonalsium. We also know that the original Hoid died. Could it be that the original Hoid "died" and fused with a Shard and passed down his name to the "new Hoid" in order to trick The Seventeenth Shard from trying to stop him? Could the original Hoid have written the letter and sent it with the new Hoid to have The Seventeenth Shard stray away from his scent and be brought to the recipient to help aid him? Could it be that the Author holds a Shard and is asking for a "pairing up" of the recipient as Aona and Skai did to try and stop Rayse? I am not certain about this whole thing but a part of me feels that this could be right. I do not have enough information and I have not read enough about the rest of the Cosmere or the other books to know if I am flawed. Help me 17th Shard. You're my only hope.

Ah, but that is the thing. This is saying that Ati was a man once who became something else. Potentially harmful. To me this could mean that Ati and the Shard were what created Ruin. This could be from the event in the past, potentially the breaking of Adonalsium, and that breaking was what made Ati turn into Ruin while holding the Shard. (I don't see any implications that the Shard had it's own cognition prior to Ati since he/she is the original holder.) Ah, very true, I will go back and correct my post. Thanks for that! Also, thanks for that little known fact.

I have been wondering if anyone has really picked The Letter apart. I know that it has been theorized (and basically all but confirmed) that Hoid wrote it. I have not been able to find anything here, on the 17thshard site, where we go over some of the curious things inside the letter. I will quote the letter here as well as previously linked The Letter for referencing. Below will be the parts that I find very interesting and would like to know more/theorize about. I will quote each sentence for referencing so that everyone knows what part we are talking about. I understand that a good portion of this may be redundant. I accept that as sometimes being redundant is necessary in research. I just want to try and figure out more with this letter. 1: Old friend, I hope this missive finds you well. 2: Though, as you are now essentially immortal, I would guess that wellness on your part is something of a given. 3: I realize that you are probably still angry. 4: That is pleasant to know. 5: Much as your perpetual health, I have come to rely upon your dissatisfaction with me. 6: It is one of the cosmere's great constants, I should think. 7: Let me first assure you that the element is quite safe. 8: I have found a good home for it. 9: I protect its safety like I protect my own skin, you might say. 10: You do not agree with my quest. 11: I understand that, so much as it is possible to understand someone with whom I disagree so completely. 12: Might I be quite frank? 13: Before, you asked why I was so concerned. 14: It is for the following reason: Ati was once a kind and generous man, and you saw what became of him. 15: Rayse, on the other hand, was among the most loathsome, crafty, and dangerous individuals I had ever met. 16: He holds the most frightening and terrible of all the Shards. 17: Ponder on that for a time, you old reptile, and tell me if your insistence on nonintervention holds firm. 18: Because I assure you, Rayse will not be similarly inhibited. 19: One need only look at the aftermath of his brief visit to Sel to see proof of what I say. 20: In case you have turned a blind eye to that disaster, know that Aona and Skai are both dead, and that which they held has been Splintered. 21: Presumably to prevent anyone from rising up to challenge Rayse. 22: You have accused me of arrogance in my quest. 23: You have accused me of perpetuating my grudge against Rayse and Bavadin. 24: Both accusations are true. 25: Neither point makes the things I have written to you untrue. 26: I am being chased. 27: Your friends of the Seventeenth Shard, I suspect. 28: I believe they're still lost, following a false trail I left for them. 29: They'll be happier that way. 30: I doubt they have any inkling what to do with me should they actually catch me. 31: If anything I have said makes a glimmer of sense to you, I trust that you'll call them off. 32: Or maybe you could astound me and ask them to do something productive for once. 33: For I have never been dedicated to a more important purpose, and the very pillars of the sky will shake with the results of our war here. 34: I ask again. 35: Support me. 36: Do not stand aside and let disaster consume more lives. 37: I've never begged you for something before, old friend. 38: I do so now.” Line #1 implies that the author of this letter was at one point friends with the recipient. It also, partially implies that the bearer is not the author. I say this because it says "I hope this missive finds you well." I take this as "I don't know if I am or someone else is going to give this letter to you. Either way, I hope you get it. Line #2 implies that the recipient is a god, a Shardholder, or in same way/shape/form immortal. This also implies that at one point in time, the recipient was not immortal. They acquired immortality. This leads me to believe they are a Shardholder more than anything else. Line #3 implies that the recipient is angry with the author. This is hard to refute as the sentence that I wrote and the sentence on line #3 are nearly identical. Line #4 implies that the author is happy to know that the recipient is (still) angry with the author. This could mean that the author did something to vex the recipient on purpose. Line #5 implies a few things. This is especially true when taking into account line #4. This further states that the recipient is immortal or has the ability to have everlasting health. This does not imply that they are not invulnerable to dying by other means. The other thing that this line implies is that the author might have been a pupil/student of the recipient. This could also/rather imply that the author needs the recipient to still be wroth with the author. This could possibly be a necessity for a plan to be executed properly. Line #6 baffles me slightly. This line could imply a multitude of things. This could mean that the recipients anger towards the author could actually have an effect on the cosmere. This also implies that there might/is more than one constant in the cosmere besides the anger from recipient to author. Another thing that this line could imply is that over all of the cosmere the recipient has been angry with the author. With this idea in mind that could mean that the recipient has been traveling through/to all of the other cosmere worlds as well as the author. This might be slightly farfetched but I cannot rule this out just yet. This line could also be just a play on words. Line #7 is the line that really peaked my interested in dissecting The Letter. This line implies that there is something that the author has that is of value that the author is keeping safe. The author wants to reaffirm to the recipient that this is the case for the element. I have no clue what the element is but both of them do. And because they are "old friends" this could lead back to Adonalsium. Line #8 implies (when coupled with line #7) that the element may or may not be with the author at the time of writing the letter. The home that the author found is a place that the author has the ability to keep safe as well as the element. This also implies that the element may or may not be in that home at the time of writing the letter. (The letter only says that the author has found a home and not that the element is in the home.) Line #9 implies that the author is certain to protect the element (when coupled with line #7) like the author would protect their own life (or literally just their skin). To me, this implies that the element could be inside the author and that is the home and a way for the author to protect it as they would their own skin. This could mean a Shard or something else related to a Shard. Possibly a binder/core for the Shards, maybe? Line #10 implies that the author knows for a fact that the recipient does not agree with the author's motives. This could be at the very core of why the recipient is angry with the author. Line #11 implies (when coupled with line #10) that the recipient and the author disagree about something specifically. This could be, again, something from their past that changed their friendship. The disagreement is apparently complete in that there is no part of the disagreement, on either side, that either believes is flawed. Line #12 implies that the author may or may not have been serious or not forward before this line. This could also just be that the author is wanting to ask a question straight forward without any wit or banter to construe it. Line #13 is referring to a past time when the recipient noted that the author was concerned. Again this implies that they knew each other in the past. This could be at the time when they were friends or were not or even in the middle when the friendship was breaking. Line #14 implies (when taking line #12 into consideration) that the reason for concern was what happened with another person that they both know. Ati. Apparently Ati was nice, at the time that both author and recipient knew Ati, but then something changed Ati into being not nice. This something could be an actual object or not. So far it is unclear. Line #15 states that another person that both author and recipient knew, Rayse, had been dangerous and bad person as far as the author was concerned. Line #16 implies (when taking into account line #15) that Rayse is in possession or was in possession, as far as the author is aware, of a Shard that could do fearful things. This does not necessarily mean it is the most powerful shard, just the most frightening. This also implies that the recipient may or may not know about Rayse holding this fearful Shard. Line #17 implies that the author is bringing this information (when taking line #16 into account) to the recipients attention. This also suggests that the recipient is someone who has decided or is not taking any action against Rayse, or possibly Ati too, who could be doing something horrible. This also suggests that the author is trying to get the recipient to taking action or possibly change their view/standpoint on a situation. Lastly, this line could insinuate that the recipient is an actual reptile or is trying to insult or have a jape at the recipient. This is possible to force the recipient into action. Line #18 implies (when taking line #17 into account) that Rayse was or is not inhibited in their own actions. Line #19 is stating that Rayse had a part in some sort of occurrence on Sel. Also, this implies that Rayse only stayed on Sel for a short time and caused the occurrence before leaving. Line #20 suggests that the recipient is refusing to hold or consider that Rayse did anything on Sel. This could be or that the recipient does not believe that Rayse is a bad person. Also the author is stating that two other people, that which both author and recipient knew potential from when they were friends or thereafter, have died. There is an implication that these people, Aona and Skai were killed potentially by Rayse. In this line the author states that what they had was Splintered. Since we know that Shards can be Splintered then this is highly likely. What is uncertain is if Aona and Skai held one Shard between them or more than one. The author is bring this to the attention to the recipient as it might not be known to them and could help sway their judgment. Line #21 implies that the author does not know specifically the reason why that object that Aona and Skai was Splintered. The author believes that the reasoning that potential Rayse Splintered the Shard(s) was to protect Rayse from being hindered in their objective. What Aona and Skai held apparently held either a power or intent that could equal Rayse’s own ability. It is either this or that if Aona and Skai held more than one Shard each then the power or ability between those two was able to stop or hinder Rayse. Line #22 states that the author knows that the recipient thinks that the author is arrogant. This could be what stopped their friendship in the past. This could also be the focal point of what they disagree upon. The author is bringing up so that the recipient is aware that the author is aware of this still. Line #23 implies that the recipient judged the author for the author’s actions or feelings toward both Rayse and Bavadin. Also the author is stating that the recipient did not agree with the continual feelings that the author had toward Rayse and/or Bavadin. Bavadin is potentially another person that they both knew in the past. Line #24 is where the author agrees with the recipients thoughts about the author. The author states that he is in fact both arrogant and holding a perpetual grudge on Rayse and Bavadin. This could be a confession of sorts or just a means to aid the author in swaying the recipient in deciding to act. Line #25 implies that (with line #24 in mind) even though the author’s feelings and emotions toward Rayse and Bavadin is/was (potentially still) strong that their or just Rayse’s harmful or miss intent actions are still true. Line #26 states plainly that the author knows that he is being chased. The author is also telling the recipient that the author knows that he is being chased. Line #27 implies (with line 26 in mind) that the author believes that the people chasing him are the friends of the Seventeenth Shard. Also this line states that the author knows that the recipient is or was a friend of the friends of the Seventeenth Shard. This could mean that the people chasing him are a group known as the Seventeenth Shard or that there is a Seventeenth Shard that has underlings to do it’s biding. This also suggests that the recipient is or was a friend of the Seventeenth Shard at one point or is at least aware of them. Line #28 implies that the author believes but does not know that the people chasing him have lost his trail or are just plainly lost in their ideals. This line also states that the author has led the pursers away from his own path and onto a false path. This could be a physical trail or a hypothetical trail filed with false hints or ideals. Line #29 implies that the author thinks that the false trail that he left for them will keep them happy or make them happier. This line also implies that the author knows what the pursuers intentions/ideals/objective is/was. Line #30 implies that the author believes that if he were to be caught by his pursuers then the mere act of catching him would confuse them. This could mean that the pursuers were created/formed to catch the author. This could also mean that if these people chasing the author caught up to him then they would not know how to actual deal with the author. These people who are chasing the author might not have been informed, have the knowledge, or the power/ability to do anything about/to the author. Line #31 implies that the author does not know if the recipient is aware of what the author is saying. The author could be boasting in order to request through an intriguing comment for his pursuers to be stopped. This could be a feign in order to see if the recipient will take action in order to aid the author or just to draw out an answer (through possibly action/actions) from the recipient. This line also implies that the recipient has the ability to stop or persuade his pursuers. If nothing else then it might mean that the recipient has an influence upon his hunters. Line #32 implies that the recipient could even request that the pursuers help their target instead of hinder him. (when coupled with line #31) This line also implies further that the recipient is still at an odds with the author but if (taking line #31 into account) the recipient is aware of what the author is trying to boast or tell then they could potentially do something and further surprise the author in changing their opposing opinion. Line #33 appears to be of an intent to persuade and affirm the recipient of the author’s actions. The author states that he has not had any nobler purpose in mind and that he is seeking to do this one thing. This line also implies that the foundation of the sky (which could just be a ___ ) will be torn down with the war that the author intends to bring or start. The author might not be meaning to bring a war but believes that with his intentions there will be a war that will destroy/shake the “pillars of sky”. Line #34 is implying that the author is asking the recipient for a second time. It also implies a plead toward the recipient. Line #35 is a request from the author to the recipient to aid the author in his quest/idea/purpose. Line #36 implies that the author knows of a destruction/malicious event being brought to take more lives. This could mean more than kill more lives and could mean that the disaster could be actually taking those lives from one place to another. This also implies that this sort of event/disaster has happened before. This also suggests that both the author and the recipient were there when the event/disaster happened at least once before. Also, this (when coupled with line #34 and #35) seems to be a further plead for the recipient to act instead of sit idle before this event. Line #37 implies that the author has never pleaded or begged with the recipient before this time. The author also states that they, the author and recipient, were at one time friends in the past. Line #38 seems to be the last plead of the letter and the sole purpose of this letter. (As this is the last line) Before we go any further I wanted to make sure that all of the things said seemed to be true with everyone else.

Here is a short story that I wrote for a writing contest (no prizes) on reddit. The prompt is "Describe, depict, or capture a single human emotion. It's broad, so get creative!" If you do actually like this story please vote for me by putting a comment under my submission in the link below. Thank you for reading! http://www.reddit.com/r/WritersGroup/comments/lmboa/r_writersgroup_contest_2_submissions/

Wow, I will have to try and read this tomorrow. It's getting late for me, but the pitch sounds really interesting. I am saving this post for later critiquing.

Thoughts while reading. A few of the sentences felt weird to me. So far it could use a once over for line editing. Nothing major from what I can tell. One thing though that irked me is using vernaculars while being in narrative. I could understand if Jimbo was thinking or saying it but I feel that the narrator should not be using 'd and 'em when describing the story. This could just be me, but I am sticking by my guns on this point. I feel that it is out of character for Jimbo to wrinkle his nose at a minty fart. Then think about it as possibly good manners for giant moths. I also feel that it is out of character for Jimbo to be queasy by a demon thing (with shifting bones underneath it's skin) and then defiant the next. I know that you put that it pisses him off because of an arrogant attitude so that might make up for it. It just seems little bit much of a stretch after being scared and nervous and queasy and now brought before some sort of demon. "This did not help Jimbo’s calm." This sounds weird. I would rethink rewriting this. "Jimbo couldn’t help but notice that the claws matched perfectly the gashes he’d seen along the walls of the abandoned city." This also awkward to read. "They had reached the base of the tower where stood a loose circle of standing stones, each a different shade: sandy brown, striated red, drab grey, and on and on, thirteen stones in total." The part of "where stood a loose circle of standing stones" should probably be reworked as you have stood and standing present within the same sentence. There are a few more lines as I go along, I would suggest doing a good line edit on this whole chapter. Alright finished. I think this is a decent chapter. At this point in the story we are getting deeper and deeper with more promises being made. I know this is a high fantasy/sci-fi story but I just wanted to let you know that so far there seems to be a lot going on and at some point the reader will lose interest in some portions of the story to keep up with the rest. This doesn't mean that you need to get rid of anything. I am just bringing it up because of how much variety you have going on in this world without much being explained at all. I am just accept it all. Beyond this everything else is okay. The epigraph is still awesome and makes me wonder a bit more by the end of the paragraph. Good job on that.