Robinski

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About Robinski

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    Fighting unnecessary capitalisation since June 2013

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    Glasgow, Scotland

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  1. Hey @kais, no need to apologise. We don't expect to give us something to read every week!! I'll forestall congratulations until it's a done deal. Superstition, and all that... (fiction or non-?)
  2. Yay! Not having time just makes it more exciting!!
  3. Undoubtedly! (...still a restaurant...)
  4. "Hello, hello..." *tap*, *tap*. "Is this thing on? Anybody? Nobody, really?"
  5. Err, isn't it a restaurant (brasserie)? Or is that a play on words (bra-sserie)?
  6. Hey there, come on in and post your word count, give and receive encouragement, problem-solve, brainstorm and generally chew the fat about your NaNoWriMo project. But don't stay too long, you've got a book to write
  7. Yes, let's do that, @kais - and always happy to friend up on NaNo, where I am R0BINKSI (that's a zero, apparently, there can be only two...)
  8. Hey Marci, great to hear from you. I still want to read the rest of that story, you know, and I'm not sure I'm willing to wait another 3 years!! If an alpha/beta/delta... whatever-read would be any help to you, drop me a line.
  9. Sorry, I was at least 75% jesting (but will always gladly read more of your writing.)
  10. Yeah, I'll be there. I'm actually using it as my motivation to finish current edit of TMM: 33 chapters in 31 days; on target so far. Nice to have a bit of pressure before NaNo even starts, Then I'll use NaNo to complete a draft of the sequel, TCC, which I'm 24,000 words into. Done by Christmas!! What about you?
  11. Sorry to see you go, @aeromancer, but heartened to know that you'll still be on the end of an email address, and that you feel it's been a benefit to be here. Safe travels, and you know where to find us Peace, out.
  12. Comments. I remember the first line being smoother before. Do we need his whole name? Or, do we need to get the explanation of his nickname in the first line? Feels a bit unwieldy. I think you could say the whole name, or just R but both there is troubling me. Aren’t the first two things he mentions chores too? Sounds like they are not, from the wording. “shortly?” he asked” – seems redundant. “This, it is not as limiting as hearing the music defining the realm of communication or strength” – I find this somewhat confusing, but there’s no explanation of why the HoP (lol) is better. “how great their Symphony was” – Err, but isn’t there only one symphony? Or is that the great symphony, and there are individual symphonies for each of the houses? Maybe I’ve been away from it too long, and ORS (Occasional Reader Syndrome) has kicked in, or maybe I haven’t been paying attention all those other times! “transfer it elseways” – lovely phrase, just joyful. “You do not think of complexities” – Lol, I had an engineer working for me who had the same problem. I sympathise! “He could do his sums, but nothing like MK” – this seems blatantly obvious, he’s a pupil. This line feels like a place holder. In a short, WE would say (I'm sure) that every line has to do something, preferably two things. I don’t feel like this contributes enough. “We canna hear the music of the other houses, but yer say we can still move along their melodies” – Hmm, really not sure how this works. I’m trying to envisage designing a road but not knowing anything about the traffic that uses it. Does answer my question about the symphonies though, I guess. It gets very technical about halfway down the second page. I’m trying to picture myself as a newbie to the D’verse and how well I would cope with some of this stuff and remain engaged in the story. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. “The low, sprawling house was connected” – this is not the first instance. I’ve managed to pick up somewhere along the way, that if listing out different facets of a thing, they should be separated by commas, even if there are only two. I think there are two different sounds to this sentence, and perhaps two different meanings. To my ear, with the comma, ‘low’ applies to the house as does ‘sprawling’. Without the comma, I think ‘low’ applies to ‘sprawling’, describing how the house is sprawling, rather than the house being low. “used to power geared and kinetic devices” – area geared devices not kinetic too? Seems redundant. “His all black garb” – Hmm, I think ‘all’ is redundant. If not, is it not hyphenated? Sounds off to me this way. “but at least it at least reflected off his scaled head” – suggest un-splitting the infinitive to ease / flow. Oh, good grief. Sorry, I'm in a really pedantic frame of mind these evening, and you are the lucky recipient of all the ‘benefits’ :O/ “The musical phrases play in contrast with the harmonic filter” – I would have said that one things is in contrast ‘to’ another, or in harmony ‘with’ it. Maybe it’s just me. “break the music phrases into” – ‘musical’, or delete, since you explain the phrases are broken into scales. Sounded clunky to me. “her new arts funding” – This sounds a bit like she’s getting the funding for her arts. Is it an arts funding ‘initiative’? MK says that his work (‘they’) would be good practice for R; but isn’t he assigning R to the plumbing? This seems contradictory. “He gestured down and Rey, with a sigh, entered the dim staircase” – I think the phrasing makes this sound less active than it should. “It was taller than him, and covered in a mass” – typo. “the result was an incomprehensible block of notes” – does the symphony sound different in different circumstances? I don’t mean the volume, but the actual music. I never really thought about it in this level of detail. Is it on a loop, constantly repeating and always at the same point everywhere in the D’verse, or is it playing in different places at different locations? So, he can sense the presence of the other scales for the other houses, just not actually hear them? “Well, that was flippin’ easy.” – I don’t buy him thinking that’s the issue dealt with. Why does he think there is only one, and why would he think that, because it scuttles under something, it’s not going to come back? I'm sure we’ve all seen a spider run under the sofa. Would you chase it out then leave it in your house? Maybe it’s just me, but that hairy-legged fella’s going in a glass and out to the garden! I feel like R would know implicitly that the task is to remove the creature from the vicinity, not just chase it under a crate. “slide downhill to him” – great phrase. “and keep that critter from coming back” – Yeah, kind of stating the blindingly obvious. I a short, I think you can cut the thought process between here and him seeing the creature, and jump instantly to the knowledge that he needs a longer-term solution. “Now or never” – why is that? “it supplies half of HI’s Systems” – I'm suspending my disbelief that a machine this size can do that; water, power, ‘momentum’… But it’s ‘magic’, not physics, after all. I’ve mentioned that, lately, I’m on a mission to go boldly forth and ‘expose’ the splitting of infinitives. So… “He could technically use that chaos” for me sounds cleaner and smoother as ‘Technically, he could use that chaos’. “tried to block the hole” – I like very much how you’ve taken the crate and used it to show how (maybe?) the previous apprentice failed, making the crate already part of the story before R uses it. I think it was just lying around before? “Then he threw it across the room” – I did like the bit last time where he converted his biological energy into potential energy in the crate by carrying it up the stairs then dropping it to release and harvest the energy. This version seems less elegant, somehow. BUT, I then see that his harvesting of the crates kinetic energy affects and truncates its flight (I presume), I do like that. “and ran down the stairs” – wait, when did he go back up the stairs? Did I miss that? “unpleasant pulling and tearing” – excellent to get a sense of how this feels. “Nothing for it but to try again.” – I wonder if there needs to be an acknowledgment that this problem could be solved physically with a board and some nails, once the creature has returned to its hole, but that the point is for R to learn how to use his skills to do it. “was tighter, evener” – is that a word, compared to ‘more even’? “Oof” – what happened to dissipate the system that time? I couldn’t see the failure mechanism. “Mayhaps he could spend” – this is a brilliant word, but I feel it should be in R’s dialogue. The narrative voice has been consistently unaccented until now, I feel. “It formed a ward of pure energy around the machine” – I feel like there is a smidge of contradiction here. It sounds like he’s going to block the whole, but then it sounds like he’s placing a barrier around the whole machine. “not inviting it to take up residence” – lol, I like the addition of this section with the Et complaining. “to shrink in to the floor” – ‘into’, surely. “favored by the Symphony” – this feels like a clue, as R has not yet twigged, I think, the ‘affinity’ of the creature with the Symphony. “eatin’ the music” – it’s a nice reveal, and adds to the world very effectively, I think. “machine’s clanking faltered, gears grinding” – I like how this raise the stakes. “It was going to eat him” – I feel I need a more dramatic idea of its growth, and what size it is now. If it’s going to eat him it must, suddenly, be much, much bigger, surely. “It backed away from the machine, and gave him a scathing look. It tried again to fasten its mouth to the side” – These seem contradictory. “It was the size of a packbeast” – Like a cow? In this small space, how does that work? I’d like to feel a bit more physical threat to R’s person, and also the practicalities / blocking of the room + machine + creature + R. “There was certainly some other objects” – Grammar (plural disagreement) “suction cups it what was obviously” – ‘in’, I presume. “opened the hole in the brick wall” – I'm not really feeling this. I think perhaps there’s a lack of description in places. Here, I imagine bricks grinding, thumping as they fall, dust in the air, the smell of line mortar (maybe). “much the same stalemate” – excellent to link this back to a past event. I like how this resonates, and has symmetry of a sort. “until it bears forth” – this don’t sound right to my ear – not just ‘births’? I’m not sure about the last line. I’d consider dropping it. We’ve heard nothing of the twins for the whole story, so this is new information in the last line. I’m not keen on that at all. Those who have read the previous stories will know about the twins, therefore not need the line. Those who haven’t will be put out by this, I think. For me, you could generalise it by taking out the reference to the twins. I think this most certainly is better than the last version, but there are still some things that irk me, some of them new. However, there are many really nice touches and details that I enjoyed very much. To summarise, some confusion / contradiction in places, I thought. Maybe a bit of clarity required on certain points, for me. And description would really punch-up some of the key moments, I believe. Nice job. Great step forward. I think it could take another step. <R>
  13. Entirely up to you. No shortage of space (And sorry, I'm still reading the second version! Comments shortly...)
  14. So, only @kais for Monday so far. Roll up, roll up, places available, get your submission places here...