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761 Wyrn the King

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About Robinski

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    Fighting unnecessary capitalisation since June 2013

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  1. It's pretty much directly equivalent to Jules Verne's 'Journey to the Centre of the Earth'. Not saying that's good, bad or indifferent. - Does it give away the ending? Maybe not. - Bit wordy. - I don't get the Minecraft reference, but I'm not 12. - Suggestions: Climb! - (Go the other way, brief and to the point, with some urgency) (The) Impossible Ascent Don't Look Down! - (Danger!) - Nope, there are handfuls of books with this title on Amaz*n Impossible Heights The Roof of the World Climb the Crystal Wall Fear of Falling - nope, a few terrible-looking romance novels already got there The Height of the World [character name]'s Climb To Climb the Nether Climbing the Walls
  2. Hey ID, thank you so much for commenting. Yes, that's how it started out, and now this is back as Chapter 2. Oops, thanks. Will do. I'm moving on now, but these things will stand out in the next round, I'm sure. You've not seen the last of that. I'm inclined towards a novella, and the cricketing ladies are a must!! (I think @kais is going to crowdfund that one ). OM_G, I've just had an amazing idea!!!!!!! I don't think Q is beyond being cringey, so I'm going to let that one ride for the moment. PC is not always in his MO. Yeah, this is untidy now, because I've been back and forth editing bits a pieces without going all the way through the chapter to clean it it. I'll fix this, thanks Hmm, now this is a teaser. Excellent suggestion. I think I might try it this way, but... the museum job is actually a set-up by the old man to try and court Q away from the R job, but I also have sort of committed to the idea of writing that episode as a novella, or collection of shorter stories. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I am keen to make your suggestion work in some form. Thanks ID!! Can we agree on royalties of 0.0005%? Super comments, I love being challenged in this way. Thank you so much
  3. Hey Fox, thank you so much for the detailed comments, very helpful, and challenging!! I will now tackle them one at a time... Phew. That was hard work, a real test of the chapter, which is awesome. Thank you!
  4. Hey Kais, thank you so much for commenting. Always challenging, constructive and encouraging. Deal. Noted on the arc. ???? Yeah, I've added a line from Q. Thanks Novella #1. Book 3, or Novella #2. Done, and doubled as a bit of world building Okay. I've tried to drop in a couple more thoughts, but they are treading water at this point, it's true. Great comments, Kais, thanks again
  5. Thanks so much for those G-doc comments; some good fixes there. Much appreciated.
  6. I'll look into that. Hey, @Mandamon, I'm a little confused. Is that the last line in the version your were looking at? The latest version has an addition at the end, the phone call from the Old Man. I'm wondering if there was a disconnect somewhere. Edit: Ah, but I see in your LBLs you are happy with the new last line, so, I think we're good Edit2: Great LBLs; thanks so much. Questions: 1. You questioned Great Slave Lake, and I wasn't sure why. It's in NWT, near Yellowknife, and appears on the map as a huge mass, which is the point I was aiming to make. 2. "Shakespeare's M is a boy." - Okay, forget all the blubbering earlier on. I missed the point, but get it now. I could call Q's weird and often insensitive sense of humour, but I don't really want to have to go into explanation to demonstrate that. So..., I'm not sure what to do there. I will forge ahead and keep in mind for editing. Thanks again!
  7. Where do serial punners get sent? State punitentiary.
  8. Again, thank you for that. Really helpful. I replied to the first lot, and will get onto this chapter in the next day or two. Yeah, interesting. Too much to hope that everything works for everyone, of course, but glad you have a positive reaction to Q. If you wouldn't mind, can I ask you to edit your post to replace Q's name. You'd be amazed (or maybe you wouldn't) how such things can be tracked to this forum. Although, Q is a fairly generic word, of course. Thanks again. I will respond to the G-doc
  9. Awesome, you rock. Yeah, I'm, 93% convinced of this, my only worry with it is then having potentially having two Yellowknife chapters together, but I'll like at my chapter map and see how i can make it work Ha, and i think these is me having trimmed it a little too. Back to the letter plank... No doubt he can; thanks for calling me on this. What can I say, I'm setting up my novella series here I may well have added it - in fact, I think I did. Noted. I'll tackle this with an edit right now, I do believe. I'll look into that. Superb comments. Really helpful. Many thanks!!
  10. Hey @mrwizard70, thanks so much for the comments. Very helpful to get a perspective from someone not having read Book 1. I can see how that hampered things, but very pleased that Q's section worked so well Thanks again.
  11. Agreed, and I thought the arc was fine. I think you will get away with it in the second chapter, because the first is fast paced. I think you might have more arc problems with later chapters although, that said, I tend to enjoy shorter chapters better.
  12. Thoroughly delighted to hear your news on this. I’ve said before that, meaning no disrespect at all; I enjoyed this story a bit more than Ard. Let’s get going… I’ve gone with LBLs, since this is being subbed, so only the headlines here. LBLs emailed separately. There is some overlap between these comments and the LBLs but there are additional bits in both. Page 3 – I still don't get how a cloak can be tight. Surely their purpose is to be the opposite. Very odd place to leave a certificate. Might it be under mother's untidy mess, or something less specific than unsharpened tools? I don't follow the logic of letting the soldiers in. Surely, they will make much less mess remaining outside? I don't think the mud drips. The boots are in direct contact with the floor, there’s no gap for a drop to occur over. The capitalisation of ‘mother/Mother’ seems to be all over the place. Surely, any parafin in the rag has long since evapourated if S has not been in this shed since their mother left. The cost of the artwork sounds like a very large weight. That was my first reaction. “more than the town made in a year” – I really struggle with this. If that is the case, S and Mother should be wealthy, even from low-level commissions. I suppose maybe they are, I’m just not convinced this makes any sense in terms of econimics, and there is no way S would leave this in a doorway open to the elements. “so our woman alchemist might make a reasonable substitute” – this makes not sense to me. I need a reason why S would serve as a substitute for Mother. However, you provide the explanation later with “She’ll come for you if nothing else”, but that contradicts the earlier statement. Page 12 is the first indication, I think, that it has been night this whole time. I did not get that before. S is too far away to be blinded by a flint spark, surely. “toadstool” – I have severe concerns about this YA thing. How much are you going to have to santise the story; the language; the sex; the body issue? Dare I suggest that you might be ripping the heart out of it? This was as good as ever. I enjoyed it, but now I have this nagging worry that the story is going to be comprosmised (imho) due to a need to soften all the best bits to achieve this YA rating. I’m hoping you’ll be able to allay my fears. <R>