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10 Bridgeman

About mrwizard70

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  1. Fair enough. I'll do that. I'm very interested in the applications of games outside RPG's actually. Eternal war like planetside 2 would make for some really interesting commentary on human nature, but that might be getting ahead of myself, and also possibly stepping on toes even if I changed the name since it's the only one like it.
  2. I got invited by one of my cool author friends to do editing! Excited as heck, but it also means that I'm busy again. @Mandamon it's going to be a week minimum before I get to the society doc, so sorry. Been thinking about trying to do a video game piece after seeing Ready Player One. The idea would be to juxtapose the character archetypes irl and in the game. Farm boy in game is mentor irl, etc. I'm very familiar with the types of people who play games, so it might help me with my character creation issues.
  3. God I took way to long to get around to this. So very sorry. I’m going to put this disclaimer on every time I make comments on this work; I have issues with the subject matter and it clouds my ability give good commentary. Sorry. This character, in my personal opinion only, has great motivations but I don’t know why they’re motivated to do these things. What’s driving S? Is it wanting to be accepted, or using alchemy to get a sex change, or what? There are lots of political stuffs happening. I’m completely out of the loop, the character is in the loop, and this is a POV narrative. I need to know what the character knows, most of the time. Is the interlude foreshadowing M also being trans, and if so you’ll have to explain why so many people in this world are trans, given that three of eight characters so far are.
  4. W and L hurt to read. She gets weird in the lucid/tired section, and the weirdness is weird, and it makes the reading a bit hard to follow. If there are important bits in there, be aware readers will miss details while reading through stuff like that. I can tell you love this section with the D. It’s got none of the problems the rest of the chapter does. Really interesting, great ending with opening the door to let the reader see before ending the chapter.
  5. Everything @industrialistDragon said, plus it feels painfully like an info dump as soon as you get past the telling. Character has no traits, feels like a stand in for an adult reader who got aged down. Have you spent much time with kids? They’re freakishly smart, especially the ones librarians deal with on a regular basis/have kids that have parents who would buy them books. Character is genderless, not sure how effective that will be. Telling about family is painfully infodumpy. Book is about the mom, the kid is just a accomplice, and that literally removes the demographic of kids who have mother challenges, which is a good half of them. The world/plot/side characters seem really well done.
  6. Notes as reading Oh god. I think I have literary whiplash. The tone/themes are not clear and it’s scaring me. Judging from the tone so far, maybe pull the suicide reference? Find some other way to make the point about the character losing it. I, and a lot of other readers, have a fairly visceral reaction to anything relating to suicide, so having it just thrown in there was brutal on my immersion. “Inhuman coercion” sentence needs another rewrite. Is this the way things normally go? I had this pegged as a mystery, but having the antagonist pointed out like this makes “plot twist, he’s not the antagonist!” *and* making him actually the antagonist obvious, with no real good options. I have no idea where this is going, but you’ve just messed up the whodunnit aspect for me, unless things get much more interesting.
  7. This has not that much to do with the feedback, but thank you for your kind words. I used to do fanfiction, I can handle criticism. I’ll try it.
  8. I’m absolutely stonewalled by this and it’s really making me mad. Every single podcast they bring up characters and character conflicts, how they drive the story, and how you have to focus on them. Yet somehow I cannot seem to find anything on how to actually make characters. The best I’ve found so far is Robin Hobb talking about how her characters will just show up in her head. How the heck do you actually design characters? I keep trying to write characters and realizing they’re exact archetypes with one boring twist. No matter how detailed I make them, they’re still boring archetypes. For those of you who read my submission, no matter how hard I constrain the backstory of my main character, (parents must be alive and unimportant, knowledge must come from mundane schooling, etc etc) he always turns out to be the farm boy who goes on a adventure because he hates his current life and wants to see the continent, or wants revenge, or wants to know what happened to his parents, or a million other things. My officer is always the mentor and the duchess is always the love interest/token female power character. Obviously, these are archetypes and roles I want them to fill; but how do you get your characters to not *just* fill the archetype. I give them quirks and flaws and play with the silly slider thing but at the end of the day they always feel like their just fulfilling a silly role because I need the plot to move forward. They never talk to me, never distinguish themselves, never have any personality besides stuff I’m just tacking on. /endrant. Help?
  9. Eh?
  10. Thinking about it again, it’s got “literary merit” too, given the title is an oxymoron if the reader has a decent vocabulary.
  11. TBH I don't see it as all that problematic. if the world the characters use is nether, that's fine.
  12. As a discovery writer, this is problematic for me. The idea I've been playing with recently is to make it about the army and the challenges the army faces, but that deemphasizes the character, who already basically doesn't exist.
  13. Well I completely failed to convey that stuff. Huh. Thanks.
  14. Is it alright if I turn this all into one document and send you the whole manuscript with gdocs comments? Things get hard to keep track of after a while.
  15. Notes as I read; It’s obvious why she’s thinking about the saying, so her talking like it isn’t was a little odd. If they have animal pens in them, why are they called mines? I like the moth. Good symbolism, good way to point out her animal connection. The elder scene is well done, but also canned. I’ve sat here for like ten minutes rereading trying to figure out why I feel that way, but I think it’s mostly just the ordinariness of the plot, which isn’t a valid criticism because there’s also this interesting religious and possibly racial stuff going on. I’m interested in what others think. “She needed shadows.” Is both beautiful and clunky. I love it and I love the implications, but it doesn’t quite fit the way it is. Syntax change in the paragraph might help a lot. The cleaning scene is well written and designed, but hard to follow because the viewpoint character is freaking out. The vision is on the nose foreshadowing, but it also excited me. The lack of voice/tone change was a little weird. Dialogue is cool. Maybe not the easiest to follow, but I like it. Oooohhh. I’m rooting for Lewis. And you storming killed it. Ouch. Mah hert, mah soul. Age difference makes that realisitic and reasonable. Promises I see thus far Creatures and Druid magic, cleric magic, monsters, and wonder and awe, love triangle, woman vs society conflict.