• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

7 Spearman

About mrwizard70

Recent Profile Visitors

84 profile views
  1. Eh?
  2. Thinking about it again, it’s got “literary merit” too, given the title is an oxymoron if the reader has a decent vocabulary.
  3. TBH I don't see it as all that problematic. if the world the characters use is nether, that's fine.
  4. As a discovery writer, this is problematic for me. The idea I've been playing with recently is to make it about the army and the challenges the army faces, but that deemphasizes the character, who already basically doesn't exist.
  5. Well I completely failed to convey that stuff. Huh. Thanks.
  6. Is it alright if I turn this all into one document and send you the whole manuscript with gdocs comments? Things get hard to keep track of after a while.
  7. Notes as I read; It’s obvious why she’s thinking about the saying, so her talking like it isn’t was a little odd. If they have animal pens in them, why are they called mines? I like the moth. Good symbolism, good way to point out her animal connection. The elder scene is well done, but also canned. I’ve sat here for like ten minutes rereading trying to figure out why I feel that way, but I think it’s mostly just the ordinariness of the plot, which isn’t a valid criticism because there’s also this interesting religious and possibly racial stuff going on. I’m interested in what others think. “She needed shadows.” Is both beautiful and clunky. I love it and I love the implications, but it doesn’t quite fit the way it is. Syntax change in the paragraph might help a lot. The cleaning scene is well written and designed, but hard to follow because the viewpoint character is freaking out. The vision is on the nose foreshadowing, but it also excited me. The lack of voice/tone change was a little weird. Dialogue is cool. Maybe not the easiest to follow, but I like it. Oooohhh. I’m rooting for Lewis. And you storming killed it. Ouch. Mah hert, mah soul. Age difference makes that realisitic and reasonable. Promises I see thus far Creatures and Druid magic, cleric magic, monsters, and wonder and awe, love triangle, woman vs society conflict.
  8. Notes as I read: The first sentence isn't explosive. I wondered if the character had been concussed by the explosion because the response seemed so muted. Descriptions are beautiful, but the repeated raking of nails and peeling of skin lost effect as it came up multiple times. Angsty angst is angsty. I don't like it, but many do. The character not going back and looking through the ruins sounded completely nuts. Character's decision-making process is emotional. Hard to follow, a lot of the time, generally gave me the feeling of being stuck in the head of the kind of people who make my life difficult. Age seems good and consistent. Thoughts overall Seems fine, as a new reader not seeing any issues, kinda conflicting messages with the dainty little flower feel I got the last chapter suddenly melting people's faces off. Really like the descriptions. You're writing the way I aspire to write and it makes me jealous.
  9. Well, that's... problematic. First off. Writing with the intent to be published, though that's kinda a pipe dream seeing as I'm a business major. Thank you so much for the corrections. I'm not going to defend, just going back to the drawing board.
  10. Super sorry, this is what I get for trying to submit via iPad. Fixed the gdocs piece, and the second email has the attached double spaced docx.
  11. Hey all, This was written on an iPad in a bus, sorry for any silliness or errors. I have lots of ideas on how to improve this chapter (actually have a whole list of them in another doc) so please let me know what the problems you encountered are. There is a google docs file and a .docx. Hopefully this helps you guys see why I have a problem with my dialogue. This is actually an attempt at starting a story. Thanks, Wizard
  12. Rereading, I honestly think I need to stop going over these in the morning. I somehow didn't pick up on the idea that she was interested in anyone. Possibly I fell back asleep and forgot the last few pages. This deals with motivations in a way that didn't feel cliche. I like it.
  13. Guilding: Put it in the first chapter. I wasn't attempting to say I was done reading this: my point, which I conveyed terribly, was that it might be more effective in terms of sales to let the readers get interested and committed to the piece before you give them the opportunity to put your piece in a little box and decide they weren't interested from the start.
  14. Going to make an attempt. Frog Mongols was an idea I had when I slammed my steampunk Rome into my Jupiter planet: an area of deep mud the size of central Asia, with frog Mongols to fight. Story was going to follow the StarCraft plot arc, which brought me to military on this huge world, whereupon I scraped the frog Mongols in favor of travel.