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14 Bridgeman

About mrwizard70

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  1. I'll have something different for the 15th.
  2. As I go. I’m not a fan of starting books with quotes. Alien birds? What does that mean? What do they look like? Character conflict is very on the nose. Not saying it needs to be changed, but it’s fairly direct. Not much subtlety here. Your character is broken. I’m an ordinary stable person, it’s legitimately difficult to relate to him. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing either, but I think it is worth saying just so you’re aware of it. Very abrupt transition. Gong, birds, freaking out, and then suddenly another character has agency and is determining the plan. Last two pages are off. In general god I love your world and magic. The characters are sound, but the way they interact is wack. You have a fancisinating power dynamic and political situation. Did that play into the past book? did I mention how awesome your magic is? gong needs to be resolved this chapter, or at least they need to address it.
  3. So generally what I'm getting from the responses here is that dealing with real-world religions, or the ideas of racism, nationalism, and generally medieval culture is a bad idea. Nothing in this section is even remotely close to the vileness I was planning to have characters spew down the road, so I guess I need to rethink the whole concept. My fantasy is not other's fantasy.
  4. okay. So I'm going to turn this into a couple of broad categories. 1. Character comments. These are super helpful. Generally, I'm thinking I may have a character enter the village with the news and join the party, which allows me to have an uninformed perspective. I'll either create a Janissary or redo Ala. T is supposed to be a bonafide genius. She's a random peasant with a better brain than pretty much everyone except maybe some Stratlavian (Italian) princelings and the Riemunate (ottoman) administrators. I was trying to make her come off as head and shoulders more intelligent than everybody else. Ale is supposed to be a natural horseman and farrier which is why there's a scene with a horse at all. I obviously need to make that more clear more quickly. I was going to do it slow burn but that apparently isn't good enough. He's supposed to be the most emotionally sensitive of all of them. Ala is supposed to start out "better" in his mind, than either of them and gradually allow himself to be overshadowed, developing from a prideful guy to a grizzled and veteran field commander. Yeah, he's archetypical, but I basically want him to be a canvas with which to paint the other two on. This may be the problem. I'll think about how to fix. They'll pick up Sammal (Muslim) soldiers and side characters over time, but that's about as interesting as I can go, racially. I guess I can't get away with introducing them and then leaving things to be shown as we go along. see uninformed perspective note at the start. 2. Red flags regarding race, sex, etc. The problem here is that T's character arc is "I'm so much smarter than all of you that it's not even funny." She's supposed to end up as the head of the mercenary company they form. But it's not much of an arc if the main characters start out weirdly accepting and un-racist/religious. I was trying for an omnipotent pov, but I cannot for the life of me get that right. If it's as big a problem as it appears, I can keep trying. That said: Ala is sexist and racist. Ale is vastly more so. It's literally impossible for them not to be unless I want to give them both even more past baggage, and there's already too much of that going around. They're going to have to overcome these traits while working in a multinational army. Nationalism is a really tricky one. The real world was completely defined by nationalism until the rise of ideology and religious conflicts in the 1600s. Obviously, the peasants aren't going to actively rebel unless they run out of food, but the whole Balkan region (where this is set) maintained national identities and concepts for literally five hundred years of occupation and launched fairly regular nationalist rebellions. T doesn't have it because she's a Gene and pretty much everyone except the Sammal kill them for sport. Ala was raised as a nobleman, and so he's got liege loyalty and chivalry, but no nationalism. Ale has to otherwise I don't have a way to show why everyone's killing each other later on. They're all going to sign up to ride around with an army. Armies of the period were basically Nazis except for the people they killed and raped knew it was coming and both sides did it. The fact that by modern definition soldiers from 1200 to 1700 were undeniably some of the evilest people in history is supposed to be the central conflict of the story. Their mercenary company will become a refuge for the people whose lives were destroyed by the army, and this will inspire them to develop a new model of warfare, which will bring them into conflict with the traditionalist elements, culminating in a civil war. 3.Schematics. This is edited and written stream of consciousness, so don't worry too much about that. I'll make the changes you suggest. Thanks for the comment on names. I toned that down significantly already, so short of abandoning the idea of realism within my story, I'm not sure what I can do besides just having the characters not talk about places. However, my standards push me on that one, pretty hard. If this world's going to be realistic in the fantastic way I want it to be, it's got to have a ton of countries, I figured the minimum of independent lords/dukes/kings/etc would have to be at least five hundred. I'll think about introducing nations later. Taldovia isn't even a country anymore, so I'll just remove that and cross that bridge later.
  5. I actually ask for people to do that in my email. please do!
  6. I was inspired by this; Sorry! dont worry about not getting to it, I completely understand. Keep it up it’s the work on the novella, that’s great to hear.
  7. Take 2! I've made some adjustments, but honestly, I'm more interested in feedback from people who haven't read this yet. 1. How are the characters? This kind of piece relies entirely on the characters being extremely strong from the outset. Specifically our protag Ala, but the side characters are of nearly equal importance. Do you need more from them to become invested? How much more? 2. Does it lack plot/agency/stakes? This is supposed to be the inciting incident, and I've basically introduced the major points of the narrative at this point. Do you feel invested? I want the reader to be invested primarily in the characters. Hoping to avoid "save the innocents and protect the downtrodden" as a defining motive. 3. Anything else you feel like saying! People who have read this already; a. don't feel obligated to reread. b. if you do, have I fixed the religion problem? Thank you very much! Hellisforheroes.docx
  8. I'll be resubmitting an edit of last week.
  9. I enjoyed poking around Orbis, thanks very much. Re: religion How hard do I need to scrub them? Are ghetto, caliph, and golem off-limits words? These are notes for me when I start my editing. Thanks for the feedback. ouch. I really need to work on ty. A: being discriminated against and her and Ale overcoming that is going to be a critical part of their character arcs, and I thought that using real-world prejudice would give it more weight. B. She's supposed to be relatively attractive and close to their age. She's also supposed to be vastly more intelligent than either of them. They literally can't see it because she's a different religion, but I guess I should make that more clear. C. She's making a run for the capital, not joining the army.
  10. This is historical fantasy... in that it's set in another world. I've been calling it Alt History because it's got no traditional fantasy stuff. Lemme show what I mean; Finally, she spoke. “Unless the Reimunate is prepared for this, they’ll break into the plains in and burn everything or even try to capture Molbul. The great farmlands of the western Reimunate lie unguarded, and the city of Lylos has no walls. The cedar reserves will be burned, and probably attempts will be made to burn the entire forest. They’ll throw the tools and equipment into the rivers. Without the ability to build new ships, the Stalavan Navy will wage a war of attrition. If things really go according to plan, Molbul could be sieged.” Alash might not be familiar with geopolitics, but he was an excellent soldier. “If the walls of Modbul are anything like what I’ve heard, thirty thousand isn’t even close to enough men.” Tyio nodded. “The Stalavan Primarch will bring in the Emperor of Astrava, calling in the favors he got by letting the Astaravans trade through Stalava. They’ll use the Stalavan fleet to move the great levies from the mouth of the Strelv, and they’ll form the weight behind the Thirstarian spearhead. That army can take Molbul.” Alexander, who, miracle of miracles, seemed to be keeping up, asked the question before Alash had figured out the answer. “What about the Reimunate armies? Last true levy was supposedly a hundred thousand men.” Tyio looked even grimmer. “The Ladimous Trevvia is the King of both Bomark and Thirstaria, assuming Gegian don Streaf died without an heir sometime in the past five years. Bomark can call on many allies within the Blessed Imperium, and boasts forty thousand levies itself, plus whatever the Thirstarian emergency levy amounts to. They’ll become a blocking force and pin down the Reiminate levy, if it’s even in Thirstaria.” There are pages more where that came from if I really wanted to. This isn't really fantasy, because fantasy generally relies on a simple world with limited political or economic scope. My world is Europe in the year 1450, at this point, because I'm focusing on characters and ignoring worldbuilding, and that's the setting that comes easiest to me. (there are minor changes to make things that matter simpler for the reader, but I'm leaving the background complex atm.) However, I changed all the names to eliminate peoples preconceived notions about an area. Seblkina is Serbia. Taldovia is Wallachia. Thirstaria is Hungary. etc etc. I'm doing fun stuff with the religions and need to develop those more, and probably should abandon "Jewish" and switch to something. Not sure exactly how to play that. It's a key part of Tyio as a character, but I haven't developed her enough to know what I want to do there. What do you mean by "making their ways of speech?" Good point about the background. Might replace the letter. Ages: Alash was going to be in his mid-twenties, with Alexander being younger (neither of them know how old they actually are). The problem is they're both relatively grizzled adults by their society's standards. Alash was a full-blown Marshal (master of horse, essentially the commander of the cavalry for a minor lord) in "Zelodow" (The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth) at the age of 23, which isn't particularly unusual. Alexander was eight when the village got wiped out and survived because somebody fell on him. His foster parents died of plague and he assumed full control of the farm when he was fifteen. Again, not particularly unusual. So their characters act old. The whole time writing this I've been trying to come up with a way to convey that to the audience, but I may just have to rethink their characters; I'm not old enough to write a bunch of people in their thirties convincingly. Thanks so much for your help, and no need to respond to all of this in detail unless you want to lol. I'm just getting thoughts on paper here.
  11. Where can I find information on this?
  12. 2.2k words. The big focus of this is not the worldbuilding. I want to flesh out the characters and make sure they're believable. My writing is usually worldbuilding based, so I've made the commitment to keep all of my worldbuilding subject to change until I finish this piece. I am mostly worried about Alash, though responses on the side characters are welcome as well. I want to create a character who has seen war but is also drawn to it. I'm trying to portray that dichotomy and the conflict within him. I'm concerned that I've given him too much PTSD and it doesn't make sense that he would go back to war. Does he need more apparent motivation? Alexander and Tyio will be fleshed out eventually and they are main characters in their own right, but I'm not going to pin them down until I am confident in Alash. Also, I'm struggling with the switch to third person. Let me know if you've got an advice. Hell is for Heroes.doc
  13. I'm back. Glad yall are still doing well.
  14. I'm back. I've got one for monday.