Penance

------Me as a consumer------- I don't read dragon novels anymore so I won't give an opinion on any of the mega series. Would pick it up off the shelf: Age to Age, We Fall Creation and Destruction Beyond the Barrier of Mist Would not pick it up off the shelf: The Gates of Arraakiel Council of Elements That Which Lurks Beneath Ten Deaths Trilogy Planet Earth WorldHopper Magicians Death

----------This is just me as a consumer------------ Would pick up off the shelf: A Clash of Beings (Trilogy) A Hope for Stone The People of Indura (Collection) King Captain Foundation Sentence Steelwar Kill for Salvation The Other Humans I’m Not a Witch! Would not pick up off the shelf: The Winter Wars Light’s Champion Sword over Spell M Earth and Steel/Goldsteel Death Incarnate Facial Paradoxes Narcissus He

That's a LOT of feedback! Thanks so much for pointing all of those things out, I really appreciate the suggestions and critiques. The bits about italics for third person present and past tense were especially good since I hadn't heard that before. I'm going to review this a few more times to make sure I have a clear understanding. Also, thanks for your feedback on the blocking, my pronouns are obviously ambiguous and need a lot more clarity. Thanks again for the feedback and keep it coming!

Thanks for the feedback Trizee: 1. Good point, I'll see what I can do about that. 2. Again, good point. I thought Madren was enough of a distraction at the time, but I'll figure out some different blocking there. 3. She has a coughing fits that cause her to cough up blood, other than that she gets a little fatigued sometimes. I'll tighten up the symptoms so this makes sense. 4. This is confusing because their home in Fallow Downs is also where her uncle lives. I'll make this a little more clear. 5. Oops. 6. You betcha, lots more.

On the subject of no metal in the world. I would recommend reading A Planet Called Treason by Orson Scott Card. He actually used the no metal concept to keep people stuff on the planet. I feel that he thought things through pretty well.

I felt that your voice went from being crisp and active to being very passive and past tense. Your description is telling me about where he is instead of showing, but I want his view points. Is he awed by the size of the library, etc? I agree with what Akoebel said about the librarians, they were so disrespectful that I was expecting him to have her executed. The unfamiliarity also threw me for a loop. Maybe have the librarian know him somewhat well and tease him? "A magic sword, my Prince? Really? You don't have anything better to occupy your time these days?" "A little light reading about magic never hurt anyone, Trethlee(librarian)." "Not everyone is a Prince, Lord Fen." Fen still feels weak, I thought he would be more self confident in researching the blade of light. He's having trouble coping with all the changes in his life, but this is something he can more easily control.

Chapter 2 starts off the second POV thread in my story, no back story is required. Happy reading!

Thanks for submitting Trizee - I enjoyed your chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one. Below is my feedback: Page 1 – ‘fit of guffawing laughter’ and ‘giggling like a madman’ - I would use one or the other, these words evoke very different pictures for me. Page 2: ‘far more beautiful than normal’ – this makes me think the windows are a new addition, maybe ‘far more beautiful here than in any other room in the palace’? Page 3: ‘In the middle of the hall was the wooden dancing floor, now empty due to the musicians’ large appetite.’ – The musicians ate the dancers!? (Joking ) Page 4: ‘Fen hadn’t been on good terms with his father ever since he discovered that his mother’s suicide was a result of the tradition that his father upheld.’ – that’s a big reveal dropped off-handedly in my opinion. Page 4: ‘After the opening stages of the Winter Wars, each of King Azymulff’s surviving children had come up with a way to prevent a struggle for power within his own country. No one wanted to see his country come to ruin the way Alaia had.’ – this felt like an info dump to me. Maybe include some descriptors about who Azymulff is or where Alaia is? Page 9: ‘Only when I say so will the match begin’ - the language feels a little off to me here, too much mixture of modern and old dialect. Especially so considering that the rules for a duel would be practiced and rehearsed by the head servant. Page 19: ‘shown like the sun’ – should be 'shone like the sun' About Page 9 - I felt like this was a fairly common issue I saw coming up over a couple pages. I am curious to see where you take things, but I'm really hoping you pull Loriyya out of the castle and run her through a few mud patches I like your characters quite a bit, I found them intriguing and I'd be interested to see what conflicts you give them in the future.

Thanks for the critiques Mandamon, I really appreciate your feedback! Page 1: I see what you're saying - I'll revisit this to see how I can get to the punch of it sooner. Page 2: I agree, it definitely is coming across more tell than show. *shakes fist at self* Nit-picks: Thanks for letting me know, those things bother me too. Page 4: Oops! I actually thought of that, but missed adding it in... ahh first drafts... Thanks for catching this! Thankfully, the plot is far different from the standard "good guy in thrall". It's going to be a 2 POV book, next week I'll post chapter 2 (I've written to chapter 5 so far so hopefully I'll be able to release a chapter a week.) so you'll get to meet the other half of the story. I'm glad you liked Plous. I'm disappointed in myself for not communicating the depth of Makaur, I promise that he is far more interesting than a run of the mill demon. I'll revise what I have to make sure I do him justice. Thanks again!

Thanks for the feedback, Trizee! Yes, this is my first book - I owe the small modicum of success I've had to Writing Excuses. I recently started listening to Writing Excuses and have had to start over from scratch about 4 times because of elementary mistakes I was making. I'm glad I was able to start from the shoulders of giants Setting: Like Sanderson I prefer more modern dialog, but I can see what you mean about it being confusing - I'll work on giving more detail here to help alleviate some of that confusion. Plous: After re-reading it I really agree - I was trying to show Plous' fear, but it came across more inconsistent than anything. Makaur: Good points on everything! ...To the lab!

Hi cjhuitt, First off, I enjoyed reading the chapter you shared, I thought it was very interesting and I'm excited to see where things progress to in the future. I like your opening line, I found it intriguing. I feel like after that first line things start to turn into being told about the setting, you did a good job of focusing on the character, but personally I might have tried taking it a step farther: So these are bricks? Jorah thought. Lance had told him these were piss poor compared to the ones near the river, but to Jorah they were still a thing of wonder. But believing everything Lance says is a bit of a fools errand, after all he even said there were bricks down there predating the Scourge, all the way back to pre-contact. I thought your characters were fairly distinct in terms of voice, but I wasn't getting a whole lot of character description, so keeping the 5 people separate in my head became pretty tricky since all of them were thrown at me at once. Giving them some character descriptions might help keep things sorted out. For a bunch of thieves they seem very well mannered and even tempered. I might throw in some language spicier than 'lolly gagging' or maybe use the stand by of 'Lance cursed quietly.' But I'd say that so far so good! I'm looking forward to chapter 2!

Newbie to the 17th Shard and hoping for help in becoming a better writer. Below are the items I was hoping you could help me with: - Glaring mistakes (any cardinal rules that are being broken)? - Are the characters believable? - Does the setting make sense/feel realistic? - What did you like to see? - What didn't you like? - Anything else you felt was worth mentioning? '15 minutes of feedback because you're in a hurry and I'm not that smart!'

Hi Aminar, I just finished reviewing your story and I really enjoyed the concepts and Grants voice. I really felt like he was a real person. I would suggest some additional research, maybe have a social worker review what you've written to see what matches up and what seems out of place. Also, I had a hard time with Caleb's mother. I'm a parent and I can tell you that if she thought he was missing she would do anything to get him back. For story purposes since you want to send Grant in, I would definitely create a reason why Deloris isn't just jumping through a mirror. Maybe she has a circle of family or friends and she's trying to coordinate with them to get into the other world to find Caleb. There were a few sections where you broke the 4th wall for me - I felt like I popped out of the story whenever you referred to 'you'. I'm emailing you a copy of your story with my comments. Keep in mind that I'm not being paid for so take them for what they're worth (nothing ) Thanks for submitting!