Curiosity's Splinter

Lanny! Know you not that the main reason Brandon actually writes is to impart his secret culinary genius? The books are but excuses to pass on his legendary recipes to us lesser beings!

Funny, I always considered myself an Edgebreaking Skydancer. I guess once you reach that point in Skybreaking where YOU become the law, and see people "forgotten and suffering", you just exact your definition of what the laws should be in order to help them. I'll bet Bondsmiths could forcibly bond multiple spren, in terms of capacity. If Dalinar can bind Odium, he can bind spren. I know I probably would... gotta catch'em all, you know.

Right. I am honesty very offended. If you hate men so much, I think I should leave. And yes, I like purple prose, frankly, and see nothing wrong with. In fact, I consider the opposite bad writing. Elizabethan is a great love of mine, and I see the destruction of real creative writing to be a disturbing trend. I don't know what to do invest someone in a character that quickly. As far as I have ever seen, it's a matter of choice. Your instant reaction is disgust, and presumptive, considering you simply did not give the whole prologue long enough achieve its purpose. You've been a premise to the story. But you clearly haven't considered it yet. As for prologues in general, I like them. I don't care if editors don't. I gave up on publication many years ago, and for good reason ,especially if they complain of race. Substitute "White" for "Black" and see how it might sound. That is how I feel right now. I know this forums' policies have no protection for me, so I feel that must be pointed out now. My primary hope was to share my story in a way that generates feedback, but my interactions with this community indicate it frowns on white men, and men in general. You made some tacid points on description, but it is too hostile a critique to warrant prolonged rumination. I don't expect an apology, but that is fine. We will not trouble each other again.

Yes, that makes sense. I think the word "designer" would have been more appropriate. Then again, I guess there is already precedent for this. The System Beast is built from multiple stuff, right? And from multiple developers, but Manda is getting credit for it anyhow. At least from M, if no one else.

Dream sequences can make up for the seeming pleasantness, if you want to keep it from being such a shock. But shocks to readers can be good. Just so long as it's not marketed as the next At Home in Mitford. Names... I know too little of the plot to start trying. Chase the Sun? Reborn of the Lost? Lost of Reborn? Reborn of the Sunrise? Reborn of the Dreams? Sheepmaiden! No, that one sounds stupid.

I saved my favorite story so for last. And so, Have I expressed my intrigue over M yet? No? Well. I think M is very intriguing. The ben species seems so creative. So, the geas. When I think of that, I think Lelouch vi Britannia sweeping his hands melodramatically while his eyes light up with his geass. So, just hearing about a geas is fine, but it's got potential to be so much more. It would great if there is some noise (I assume the geas is part of the Symphony) and plays like a jingle or somesuch whenever it's mentioned/thought of or whatever it's preventing comes up. Like him being in public and trying to mention it would trigger it, an alarm going off on a locked car sort of deal. Very good with the ben emotions. I can grasp the implications. M is tired, and his life's legacy, as it were, has just been lost. So sad. I would like a description on what the mansion looks like. Last chapter was rather devoid of detail as well once Manda left the office. These places must be spectacular, but for the most part are ignored. But not by me. I question. Next, there is a logical problem, so maybe it's only my frail mind, but: when Manda is narrating about M and Ae worrying more about the secrecy of the society instead of the murder victim, Manda mentions the geas again and how it stops them from speaking. It's no the repeat of the information that bothers me, it's the "why". A list of society members getting stolen has nothing to do with them revealing the truth of their own volition, verbally or otherwise. Therefore, why is he using the geas as a part of his observations of their behavior? It only makes sense to me if I assume the geas works on anyone revealing the truth, which I know is not the case. But Manda is implying something similar here. I understand the point is that they don't care about Thu, but the reasoning, I am not following it. Next, I think you should stop repeating the line about using the Houses of Healing and Potential. Manda has said this several times now, not just to the reader but to M. Better to just say he Investigated. Another Society member should understand. Reading further, and you are absolutely nailing it with M's description movements. It feels like reading about an Ent that's discovered coffee. I love it. and those ones drive the conversation and pacing along quite nicely. But, I have come to a point of confusion. Manda mentions the defense system that uses six parts of the Symphony, and that it was made by a single individual of great talent. But that clearly means, given later dialogue, that he most certainly did not have Six Houses available to him. So how did he do it, exactly? I guess he had help? But wouldn't that mean Manda is wrong and multiple beings built the manson's defense mechanism? Excellent. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I don't much care for first person, but it is wielded skillfully here. And the Ben was an excellent surprise. I wasn't expecting things to keep focused on them.

*Insert Curiosity groan* Nnnnn.... Questions. (Odium goes for passion. Curiosity questions. Go figure) Many thanks for the review, Mandamon. Firstly, I have to say from personal examination that this a bit too swift a judgement of gender presence. Just because a first chapter/prologue has no women doesn't mean they aren't there. I bring this up partially because this is, like, the third or fourth prologue. The first and best (and also the least workable) is from the POV of a self-made scientist named E, a woman. The next one was from the POV of a little girl bravely venturing into the Delfan Caverns 16 years after the events you just read. So yes, I've got female characters. And they were both focuses of prologues. But they didn't work. And I have some feminist friends who really are nowhere near picky on whether or not the first chapters in a book have women in them. They just aren't. So it doesn't bother me to cater to it. But you do have an oddly accurate point, regardless. Usually my stories have active women up front, but the second arc of the story is where most of them tend to shine in AoTP. The first sees most of the male cast developed. I'm not entirely sure why it turned out this way. It might have had to do with me writing a rather lengthy 180k novel about a slave girl's escape from her plantation. As to the prose, it is exactly as I wish it to be. I like poetry, within reason, and description. It's what books do. Describe. Some images are there to paint a picture I can't draw. The sunrise scene, first and foremost. The deepness of the purple is not consistent throughout, though. Often there is not description enough in some places. As you will no doubt see in the future. Notes while reading: The first page quickly draws me in, though the prose is a bit purple. I am... surprised. Maybe I'm forgetting what's on the first page, but that should contain the choppiest, least purplish sentences. They merely describe. But perhaps there is too much. Can you give specific places where the descriptions clog too much? pg 3: "Bloody beams of light" --Not sure what this means. Actual blood, or red sunlight, or what? Yes, red light. Blood colored. That's a running theme for At. pg 4: "He felt the heartbeat of his brother vanish with the hit." --Also not sure about this one. Can you feel someone else's heartbeat? Th's younger brother latched onto his arm, heart throbbing against his elbow." I was afraid of this. I changed the sentence because it was too wordy, but it states he could feel his brother's heartbeat because he was hugging it so tightly to his chest, which is possible if you're especially sensitive and the heart is pounding fit to burst. pg 4: "He saw no one around him. I was the only one who made it up, huh?" --I would expect he would see something, and also more emotion to the realization that his family died. I was afraid of this too. I ended up removing the sentence that says he was too weak to even raise his head up. But in this case regarding emotions: you don't have emotions in this kind of end-of-life combat scenario. And this is no ordinary fighting, it's flight-or-die instinct. He just climbed up a cliff with burning and choking lungs, with the sum of all his fears roaring him deaf not far away. Ignoring adrenaline. Frankly, Th shouldn't be conscious, or even alive. But he has to be awake to bear witness to the events that transpire. (Although there was a scene of him having a breakdown, it felt so out of place. People who break down like that on the battlefield just don't leave it, and the fatigue afterwards makes grief a slow-burn process. Again, this was remedied by yet ANOTHER cut I made, whereby I removed the part where he rejoices over hearing At scream like she did his mother. Which is why his mom is not mentioned. And also would explain why he isn't in instant tears. Growing up a child soldier fighting things like the Ind will do that to people. And so it should be re-added. Less confusion on the character's reactions.I don't know why I removed it to start with. *Bangs head against wall* As to seeing no one, that's because they all were lost in the avalanche and were buried in the inferno. He alone made it to the top of the cliff, so he he didn't see anyone else. But I should have made it clear he couldn't move. I was hoping it was be more apparent what with the need for air, but then I don't really show the consequences of that, do I? I just tell it. A good case where tell isn't going to work in place of show. pg 6: "as if he could somehow pull her back" --why does he want to pull her back? T says it right afterward. Because there's another settlement on the floor beneath the chasm. I should probably shift it so Th is internally explaining it to the reader, which will make his actions more reasonable. Think of it this way, too: if I made a trap for a tiger, in a building, and the floor gave way so it fell to the floor below, what would that mean for my trap? Failure! *sweeps hands* The trap failed and now the hungry kitty is free to kill, feast and mangle everyone below! and I have to build a new trap! ARG! Storming floor! pg 9: The first couple pages were very exciting, but by now I'm getting a little tired of just lots of description. It's good, but it's all action and bravery and Kill The Monster! By now I want to start to learn about the main character and his new acquaintances. Well, violence has its place, I felt, at the beginning. You want a good hook, yes? Rare few are they that enjoy a slow hook. The second prologue was not hookable. The first left the wrong impression, and the first chapter gives a nice story-book style synopsis of everything, but doesn't show the action. So I decided to show the action first. pg 10: "As the folk traveled, the monsters dissolved like sand in water" --why? She's not dead, so what's killing them? Nnnnn. Questions. Yes. Good, good. Give into your curiosity. It will stoke the fires to read more for answers. But the answer is simple. They're dead, and they decay much faster than human corpses and return to a state very similar to red paint. I will change "dissolve" to "decay", and perhaps mention that after losing connection to their master, the hordelings don't last long. (Although I am not 100% certain if they do. I may have it so they can survive a while, assuming they aren't wounded badly.) pg 11: I feel like I'm supposed to recognize Ten, Mat, and Wash, but they haven't really been introduced. I am not good at introducing characters without it becoming a long profile one would expect to find in some classified document or data bible. Aaaaaaand technically I wrote this chapter last among all I've done so far, and Ten, Mat, and Wash were introduced in my head. That probably explains why it plays out that way. My hope was to just have it like with Darth Vader and Princess Leia. We are not introduced to either one properly at the start, but we get a whole scene of them in their respective roles. Same with Ten. We see his Paladin activities, and that Wash is his wingman of sorts. Any suggestions on where exactly to intro them, and how? I am rather stumped here by a brick wall. And by brick wall I mean Black Gate of Mordor. pg 11: Whose brother and son are we talking about? This isn't T, is it? AAaaaaah. Questions. Again, more fuel for the fire. All is not explained at once. Prologues are for questions to tantalize. That comes with the reading as the story unravels. This one is soon to be revealed, though. As you will get the POV of the son in question in Chapters 1 and 2. pg 12: I'm assuming the Dark Lord is not the giant cat thing (Edit--nope, this is explained well enough later on) Right, good catch. So many have problems with that part. But glad you were able to figure that out. Again, a lot readers seem to get confused here. I guess At is just so imposing they assume she's the big bad. But she's doomed. So how could she be? pg 14: Ten's speech is drifting away from the formal style he was speaking in before. That is a grand, core flaw in my writing. I am not consistent with it. It ebbs and flows, and I lament to explain this is a... permanent problem for me. It's not going to get better. Because this IS better than what was, and it cost me greatly to achieve. Let's leave it at that, but thanks for notifying me that Ten does this. Huh, it's been a while, but I think I may actually have intended for this. He sort of pulls a Gandalf. He acts all grim and serious, and then deadpans something. It's his sense of humor. He likes messing with people through his authority. pg 17: The POV of the monster sort of works here, but it's a bit of a switch from the rest of the chapter. Yes it is. But I think the switch is necessary. It provides a good precedent that is followed throughout the book, and it does serve to prepare readers for another sudden POV switch in chapter... err... six? Seven? One of those. "Putting the name at the end reads like this is the end of a short story, to me. I'd be confused if this came after I started reading a story, expecting more. " But would you if you were aware there were many more chapters, and this was but the start? In a way, yes, this is the exact feeling I want you to have. Because in a way, the prologue IS a short story. Sure, the characters appear again, but the events of At's sealing are not the heart or focus of the story, they are part of its origin. And apart from at the beginning, there's nowhere else to put it that makes sense. So, instead of being a flashback, it is the early beginning, with the rest of the book simply time-skipping. :I think since the warning about docx files was from 2011, it's not as much a danger that someone can't open them. I haven't had anyone complain in the *looks up profile* 5 and a half years I've been on here (good lord...)." Grrr. I knew it. *Snaps fingers*

I am confess. The whole "a broken clock is right twice a day" never made sense. It probably has to do with simple but clever math and applied logic. I hate that. Why u do this? That aside, hilarious part with the grave marker stuff. But I would be very cautious of my sense of humor if I were you. People don't usually do my sense of humor. It does them, you dig? Oh, right, you're against diggers. Seriously, whayoug' wrong with moles? Huh? You dissen duh moles? Don't. You. Dare. They will com'n dig a pit an sink yo' house, now. Stop, wait. Back. Up. They found something at the dig. Isn't that usually, like, the high-mark of a dig? Most of the time all that turns up is someone's ancient chamber pot potsherd, a bone fragment that actually belongs to a pig, or some other artifact everybody claims to care about but end up filing away into some dusty storage compartment next to the top secret Nephilim bones for the government in a failing Smithsonian that has to make its end's meet by serving as a archeological storage facility. So, you know, instead of insulting what they've discovered, they should be excited. The only reason they wouldn't be amazed and pleased is if this is satire, or I didn't just didn't read the first chapter to get a clue about the scene. Wait, I didn't read last chapter, but excuse that. Because really? They find modern boxes and they're not surprised? I... I just don't get it. Drop it. Change it. Remove. Excise. Have the characters express genuine excitement and interest rather than constantly play the part of the three fools in chilling in their dorm. They don't come across to me like children on Christmas morning. With wisecracks like that, they'd probably get nothing but coal if they lived in my house. Accept Lucy, too, was false. But they refuse to accept that. Can't be bothered by scientific theory to this day. Locked in the Ivory Tower still, I see. But soon, yes, soon you fools shall awaken the Gnomes, and their armies can once again remake their garden, and use us as distasteful lawn ornaments. Would... they not open these supposedly ancient artifacts in a sealed and controlled environment to avoid rapid deterioration of the inside contents once exposed to destructive micro-organisms and sudden ambient temperature change? To say nothing of rust or the possibility of the contents falling out. But these guys are young, so I guess they can be justified to loot a digging site. I just hope whoever allowed them into the dig learns what they're doing. A very convenient method of avoiding having to follow procedure is for the book case to just open on its own in an ominous but convenient fashion. Ah, volcanic eruptions and their immediate aftermath. How you upset carbon dating so... Because nothing says you care like waking up your victims so they can hear you say "I am going to kill you now." I wants de book too. Gimme de book. *Shard invasion* I DEMAND THAT YOU SUBMIT TO ME THE TOTAL UNEDITED CONTENTS OF GOOD STEWARDS OF BEING BADASS HUNTERS. I AM CURIOUS. *Shard departation. Please proceed as you were* Darn it. I scared the professor away. But fourth wall meandering aside, I guess he was aware of what the worthless fools would find? Ouchies. That part of the narrative would make a degree of sense... seeing as they are disposable. You should probably realize they would need to catalogue, photograph, measure and whatnot BEFORE touching it. And are they wearing gloves? Or those extendable mechanical arms? Exactly what kind of lab do these guys have with them that they think its reasonable to carelessly manipulate 30,000 year old archaics? Of course, they think the stuff is fake, so why are they going with the charade at all? Ok, that make sense, no throwing out the whole slow, meticulous process just because they're skeptical. Yes. *Insert Curiosity's suggestive groaning* Nnnnnn.... Curiousness. Ah, that talk about electromagnetic forces is bringing the Hutchinson Effect to mind. Beware. that kinda thing gets you disappeared. Rewriting the code is bad. Bad things happen when you do that. Otherwise, it was an enjoyable enough read. I don't like or enjoy modern fantasy or archeology, though. So my thoughts ended up being more style than substance. P.S It appears S is possessed. Of something.

How DARE I start this off by nitpicking small, commonly made grammar mistakes? Really, CS? this is what you do to your fellow writers? "They arranged themself themselves in the sky..." Apparently so. Next, the logic of the sentence doesn't make sense. If the colors are arranging themselves, how then can it be God doing it? Yes, yes, he set the sunrise in motion and sustains it, but the way it's worded almost sounds like this, for comparison: "the glasses carried themselves to the table without spilling a drop of water, in such a way only the talented waiter could carry." Frankly, this sentence appears like one of those confounded ones shot in the to-be verb kneecap. Having "were arranged in a natural painting only Alsh could create," sounds better. Ok, I'm done. No more sentence and grammar mongering. I am the LAST person who should be doing that. Really. Also... I feel very, very uncomfortable and not a little offended that you are making use of a true Name of God. Please use a name that isn't heavily, obviously referencing a real name. It's exceedingly jarring, if nothing else. I have the same issue to a greater extent with Adonalsium (This coming from someone who's named himself after a Shard splinter. Ironic. Yes, yes, I'm self-aware of it) Ahh, staring at the sunrise, thinking of where the Sun had been, where it was going, and what it might be like to latch a rope to it and sail across the sky to parts unknown in the west... to be more, to accept that yearning understanding that I could be more than what I am now. Such nostalgia. If you tweaked it a bit, this paragraph (which should be two, imo, but that's my Prose Mongol talking) would be splendid philosophy in the poetic vein. I like that. Don't let the common riffraff tell you it's got no audience. They are just not satisfied unless Freiza is making Namek blow up. Just be careful Ar. Bad things happen to parents of heroes. Their chances of survival literally decrease by the second you hesitate to fulfill your nebulous destiny. But... there ARE pros to being an orphan. While it's less common for females as it is for their precocious male counterparts, orphans tend to increase their heroic values by substantial levels. They are almost guaranteed 95% of the time to engage in heroism successfully. So consider your parents' deaths a useful sacrifice for your own glory. *Odium shudder* Mmmmm, Glory. Don't ruffle the poor things' feathers! Plumage isn't fur. Gently stroke them. Chickens, of certain breeds (Silkies have about a quarter of the the intelligence of a potato) are intelligent and loving! They will want to be picked up and will often go to someone's leg and lean their head against it, cooing softly with love. I cannot believe farmers used to actually slaughter their own pets this way. People in the past were so cruel, so callous. so desperate for meat. *Starts drooling inadvertently* You would be AMAZED at the antics these animals get into. I mean, it actually makes sense, what with all those hens living in a highly competitive harem and all. I'm serious. They fight constantly, form clicks (I think the word may have even originated or been inspired by chicken social behavior), ostracize, grieve, stalk, pout and will shamelessly destroy the eggs of the Rooster's favorite hen. Or just out of spite for no reason at all. And often they hate newcomers. You either hatch together, or you hate the other bird, apparently. You stick with the clutch, even if you HATE the clutch. The clutch is family, the foreigners are bait for the 'raccoons and opossums. (Opossums are the worst, they literally EAT the chicken while it's still alive. At least the Foxes are nicer. I think raccoons do the same thing.) Oh, so he wasn't conscripted. I don't feel quite so volcanic with disgust and rage now. I love the Babylonian themed foreigner names. V and R are perfect! I instantly feel a sense of displacement from them. "Who the object of her offections were changed on a regular basis, up until he left A has been it for quite a while." Oh no. I can feel the urge to do the Heir Grammar. T-t TENSE~ CHANGE! *Insert quavering salute* "Who the object of her offections were changed on a regular basis, up until he left A had been it for quite a while." Ok. We good. "Still waters run deep. The quietest rivers run the deepest." I am watching you, D. They're a handful, you know. Sheep. Very stupid. Exceedingly idiotic. I am honestly surprised they sent a teenage girl to shepherd them. How could at killing wolves and bears and who knows what else is she? Just saying. That shepherd's crook isn't going to be enough. Does she have dogs? Dogs would help with the packs of angry predators. And who's watching the poor wool heads if she's gone? I missed that part. Strawberries aren't really triangular. They're all nice and round and lush and juicy. More conical I'd say. Listen, wolves are always active, Ar. they have to fill their stomachs. And when you either catch something successfully or die, you go for the big, fat, slow, stupid, loud and smelly, and usually easy prey. Like sheep. Especially the ones that like to wander far from the roving horde. No surprise you don't get sent up there much. You know... they don't really control how many children they're going to have. Some have none, some... don't last through the deliveries to have many. And the infant mortality and child mortality rates can be awfully high. And this is a farming community. You want as many children as possible. Because they're natural farmhands who don't have to be paid and can't leave even if they wanted to. which is good, because farmwork isn't all meaningless fun. Constant work, and sweat and wasted effort just to keep the food on the table. Say nothing of droughts, rains, rodents, plague, locust, etc. Their parents must not have a big farm... Oh shame. Saying that about your own children. It's heartbreaking. But at least she realizes that's not what she wants. Gotta chase the sun. Go, Ar! Chase the sun! Your presence alone is causing the percentage of your friends' survival to plummet. Dear heaven, and they are discussing happy matrimony. It's over. It's done. They're all waving death flags. Terrible, horrible death flags. "head off too, not two." Wait, wait wait. Six months is not long. Do they have long-distance telecommunication? Yes? No? If they do, ok. If not, then he probably can't write. Or who knows what. He could be months away by sheer distance. They really are paranoid. Or is the war nearby enough? Their words indicate it's close. I guess the oasis statement is literal. Would be cool to have a scene where war camp fires are sending up smoke over the peaks of the mountaintops. Scary, foreboding, but also reassuring that they are on the other side. You, Ar, are a very wise girl. Except when you fall asleep on trees. you are not a cat. Horses. And there it is... Good. Slice of life. Don't let people tell you this is too boring. Not every story should have its earlier chapters filled with Designer!child ninja toddlers crossing a battlefield of corpses in the middle of a solar eclipse with machine gun katana in their hands and murder in their eyes while facing down the evil T-rex elemental wizard overlord born from Humanity's sins. There's a quaint adventure in living real life, or the things that happen in real life, without the bloodthirst and viscera. I liked the chapter. But if you're desperate for more suspense than the kids picking strawberries while encouraging their friend to strip, perhaps refer to Ar's dreams. Maybe have her endure one before waking up that day. Maybe make it a dream that fills her with the impending desperation to leave, to depart, to get out. Or perhaps have them come as sudden visions, with her falling in the orchard, the basket slipping from her fingers to spill berries onto the dirt. Or perhaps in the tree, so that they must find her there later, hanging lifeless by her dress caught in a helpful branch. Or something. But I find myself not anticipating such a change. Again, slice-of-life. Unless you are going for Star Wars. Then maybe you should have a Deathstar chapter or have some magical death fortress or other looming in the distance. Or just burn the whole Vale and turn it into a pool of ashes and blood while Ar bleeds unconcious from leg wound while she hangs in the tree to escape her ruthless pursuers. I don't know. what is the goal of the story's tone? and what is it called? I don't gots a name, but I want it. Just like I want more chapters. And maybe a description of Ar. But that probably came in the previous chapter. Curiosity himself says this chapter was a 9/10 strawberry children for him. As his Splinter, I pass on this message. Legal Notice: Curiosity's Splinter is not in any way shape or form responsible for the Shard's messages or feelings. Angry rebuttals or retorts will go ignored by his Shardiness, and all requests for personal Investiture will be denied. Curiosity maintains his carefree lifestyle outside the Four walls of the Cosmere, and he would prefer it stay that way. Splinter is also not to be held responsible for any confusion, revulsion, revolution, or angst or hysteria produced by his review. Also not responsible for asphyxiation from excessive laughter. If you have that bad a sense of humor, it's your own storming fault.

Whew! My health deteriorated at the last second! NEVER cough while gargling vinegar. The pain... And then I went and edited the whole prologue with a last action scene. Good news for all, I guess. Go violence? *Insert Odium taking a deep breath* Ahhh... passion. > I'm trying an experiment with the title. It is located at the end. Let me know how you felt about its placement. I think it's a cinematic tool best used for serialized works. But for the beginning of a novel it has a nice zing to put the name of the prologue and story title at the end. > And your general reaction to the story itself, any thoughts or questions, however idle, as even the most obscure thoughts or impressions are important. P.S noticed that everyone is using docx files, despite this being counter to the guidelines. So mine is still a .doc file this submission. P.S.S Ouch, 4,848 words, not 3,848. corrected.

Ah, my bronchitis has returned. (Not that it ever really left...) But with it strangely has come clarity. I do think what I said still stands, that is, not intertwining sexual tension with scenes like the mirror, particularly with horror (as I find that downright satanic), that does not mean it CAN'T be done. In fact, I'd say it would work as character development, showing the character, E in particular, is sex-crazed or hyper-sensative/paranoid about public perception of her. So if that's the impression desired, it works, but it will still take focus. I just want to make clear that it still develops the character, even if in a way I personally do not approve of. Hope that makes more sense. It actually does less to me on paper than in my scatter-brain.

But E wasn't making the attempt at sexual contact. I may be misremembering the scene, but described as a case whereby E thought her partner would perceive it as a purely sexual move when touching someone is more often not a sexually provocative act. Again, this is between two females. Or are you woman? Sorry, can't tell. It did not feel right, but contrived. If the goal of the scene were sexual contact and E was just using the mirror as an excuse, then sure. But that was not the case or point so far as I recall.

One thing I forgot to mention but feel is relevant is how E especially worries about touching the scientist (forgot her name, sorry, I am bad with names) to comfort her when they stand in front of the mirror window. Generally, women tend, from my observations, and Time magazine at one point , which state women tend to see physical contact differently. We guys, we don't touch, not unless there is significant meaning behind the gesture, hence our natural immediate sexual presumptions about doing it and observing it happen. But women are more openly physical. They will hug on meeting good friends, or for comfort, and touch each other for reassurance where it's warranted, such as the scene described in the chapter. Obvious, or constant overt pawing is one thing for E to consider, it is quite another for her to believe any touching at all to be an issue, and makes her attitude come across as a bit... unnatural to me. My suggestion: remove her internal worrying over the touch. Make it a natural, normal touch of the arm for reassurance in the face of something so apparently traumatic. In my opinion, combining the horror of what lies behind that mirror wall with E's sexual paranoia is jarring. Sex is distracting. Make sure it doesn't take away from the focus of a scene. Like a painting, we want to focus on the main subject, not its surroundings and their highlights. Though again, in this case the gesture wasn't sexual, and the reference thereof is misplaced given context.

I guess I will also submit Monday, if there's a spot remaining?

Why ever so?